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Oct 2023 · 94
Life
V Oct 2023
I’m still just as ****** up just a lot more numb now.
Sep 2016 · 585
Monster Mind
V Sep 2016
The saying goes "You are your own worst enemy."
Well my mind is the ******* ****** from "SAW."
It's trapped me within the confines of its own walls,
And everyday it teases me to get out.
The cynical little ***** knows **** well that I can't.
So she has me peel my skin off strip by strip until my nerves are exposed.
Daily I sit raw, in pain, and ready to end it all.
Salt is her favorite especially on the old wounds.
She pours it on thick and when I scream she proceeds to rub it deep in.
There are no "let ups" or "breaks."
Even in the attempt of dreams she is there.
Restless nights, restless days.
Endless torture.
How many times have I imagined putting a bullet through my head,
Or a knife through my heart?
She teases me with escapes.
Allowing me to imagine.
She quickly snatches it away with knowing I'll never be able to  do it.
She's evil.
She has made it so I can't look at my own reflection.
She has distorted me.
She has destroyed me.
She has so deeply confused me.
Unhinged from birth, she makes me feel as if sometimes I'm going to explode.
I literally feel like my brain will explode.
It's her gift.
She makes me wish it would happen,
But she is too cynical for a quick ending.
She likes to pull it out.
Elongate it.
She feeds off of the pain and sufferring.
She would rather I sit here and saw off my foot with a rusted butter knife for nothing at all.
No easy way outs.
She's a crazy ***** that I have no control over.
She destroys me everyday.
Why do I destroy me everyday?
Sep 2016 · 346
Fuck
V Sep 2016
What the actual **** is happening?
I have no idea.
Play it cool.
Roll with it.
What?
May 2016 · 264
Full circle
V May 2016
I need something good please.
V Apr 2016
Dear you,

Hi it's me the idiot girl who fell in love with you.

As much as I don't like admitting this, I can no longer refuse to call it to the surface after 6 long years of mentally denying it.
I wish I hadn't; fallen in love with you that is.
I thought after what happened I could easily cut you out and try to forget, but I say this honestly now, that never really happened in my heart.
You don't have to worry though as much as my heart breaks and hurts I won't confess to you.
I will continue to play the role of "friend" and pick up my pieces after.
I will keep it locked inside me and one day, hopefully, I won't be the idiot girl anymore.
I will have let go and moved on.
But I'm not her now; as much as I would like.
Cause here I am still in love with you.
The memories I have of us are joyous but laced in pain.
When I delve into them it's like I willingly place my heart into the fire...... I can't help it.
Sometimes I wonder was any of it ever real?
You made me question my value.
Even to this day I shy away from intimacy and others that may try to get to know me.
And you know why?
Because it's your face I see, it's the way YOU make me feel that I feel.
They can't compare.
Then I wonder will I be like this forever?
Even when you lied to me, even when you began walking away, I still loved you, I still love you.
Sometimes it's hard to look at your face.
As we have begun to be friends again, I find myself holding back.
Reminding myself not to go back there again.
As much as I still love you, I know that it is just as much you still don't love me.
I have been asking God lately to help me when it comes to you.
I pray that He would change THE WAY I love you.
I have asked Him to help me see you as a brother, but He made me realize that first I must be willing to give up all the feelings I have for you now.  
My grip is a lot stronger than I thought so it is going to take some time.
There are moments I physically remove myself from you so I can be firmly planted on the ground again.
Believe me when I say I am trying.
I don't want you to be constantly worried if I will like you again, although I have admitted to loving you this isn't what you have to watch out for.
This is a me thing.
This is a path I have to walk and funnily enough I have to walk it alone.
You can't fix it, you can't prevent it.
Only I can.
So I will continue to love you at a distance until my grip loosens and my love is able to change.
You don't need to worry, I've got this.
Continue being you and I will continue being me.
Eventually the knots will untangle and we will both be set free.

Sincerely,
The idiot girl in love with you.
Feb 2016 · 398
Depression
V Feb 2016
A hand wrapped around your throat.
Every once in a while squeezing a little harder.
To remind you of the control it has over your happiness..
Playing mind games from time to time,
Letting you experience the taste of joy. Only the very next second to be flung back into the pit you could have sworn you were almost out of.
Light is an illusion.
The hope you once had everytime you saw it dwindles.
You eventually find yourself turning your back on it.
You don't stretch out your hand anymore.
You don't try anymore.
You don't believe anymore.
Who you were, who you could have been is slowly swallowed by the darkness.
Color is no more.
Life is no more.
Never knowing what you did to deserve it.
Only knowing that you do.....
Deserve it that is........
I don't ask questions anymore.
"Why" is a repeated pointless word with no answer.
So I made up my own.
"There is no why. It is only what it is, it is just you."
The hand squeezes until death becomes you.
Fight as you might some of us won't make it.
Blood shot eyes of my soul, I might not make it.
One simple fact,
I'm not gonna make it.
Aug 2014 · 332
This kind
V Aug 2014
I feel like crap.
It isn't the coming and going kind.
It's the stick to you day and night
Occupy your dreams kind.
There's no escape.
I don't want to talk about.
I do but I don't.
It's the leave me alone kind.
It's the ask me what's wrong kind.
It's the care about but don't care about me kind.
It's the I just want to be normal kind.
I want to be good enough kind.
It's the nothingness.
It's the emptiness.
The I want to go home but I can't.
I've lost every part of me.
Give it away and get it back broken
Snapped in half, mutilated.
Now at that point where there is only a little left to give.
And I have decided not to give it away anymore.
I'm keeping it to myself.
Not my friends,
Not my family,
No one.
I can't give it away anymore.
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck.
Jul 2014 · 711
Betrayed
V Jul 2014
Just when everything was pieced back together, it explodes.
Gears and pulleys no longer function as they should.
No respect, or decency for an abused harborer of blood.
Each time stripped and pulled apart.
Restructured with stitches of lies and broken promises.
Cracked open by the unworthy.
Tainted by ***** hands, and chipped blackened finger nails.
Cut and infected, poisoned and bruised.
Stupid thing.
Crying "love me, love me!" over again.
**** it learn!
No longer make yourself out of soft, breakable, easily torn.
Instead surround with metal and iron.
Impenetrable.
Make it so.
I blame you.
I will stitch your mouth shut with iron thread.
I will make it so that you beat only to live a little longer.
I will stop listening, I will no longer allow you to have a say.
You will become nothing to me.
I am sending you to the basement, I am taking all feelings away.
You will no longer roam free.
You will become my unspoken shame.
You will be the secret that I keep.
No one will come to know you.
No one will ever see you again.
You cease to exist this very day.
I will not feed you, I will allow you to die.
I will chain you up and watch you wither away.
You don't deserve to live for what you have done to me.
I trusted you to many times and now you must pay.
I lock you up.
I bury you deep.
The only link you have to me is the blood you pump through my veins.
I owe you nothing.
From this day forward you are dead to me.
Mar 2014 · 468
Forget her
V Mar 2014
Walk away now.
Turn back before you have gone to far.
To good for black widowed ways.
More than her preying mantis love.
She knows the monster that she is,
This is why she tells you to run.
Her greatest creation,
The masks for which she has spun.
Intricately woven threads of silky lies
intwined with bits of brokenness.
A warm summer breeze to mask the inferno within.
A sweet delicate smile to mask the bleeding tongue.
A flutter of her eyes to mask the cold dead stillness.
Run.
She gives you fair warning,
Run.
This is not what she wants for you
But she can not help who she is.
She would rather you in the arms of another lover
Then to remain with her where she will eat you alive.
Her darkness is contagious.
Her beauty only a facade from afar.
Get to close she will cut you
and allow the Black Death to seep in.
She doesn't want this, she doesn't
But she is to weak to stop
She is only strong enough to warn you
But you must chose to walk.
Turn around.
Run.
She cannot feel though she tries
Forget this girl and move on.
You are to good for her.
Need I tell it to your face?
You are to good for me.
(And he did)
Feb 2013 · 364
Heart Stop
V Feb 2013
Sometimes I feel this tugging at my heart.

It's weird cause I haven't felt anything in a while.

I hate that tugging.

I know it's trying to revive itself,

but I don't want it to.

Whenever I come across a memory

It jumps,

as if its trying to say

"Remember? Remember?"

I lie and tell it

"No, now shut up."

It's just better if it remains silent.

Of course it doesn't get that

Nope there it is

Jumping.

Tugging.

Can't you see I am lifeless?

Of course not

the heart doesn't have eyes

Unfortunately.
Feb 2013 · 681
Don't Give a F***
V Feb 2013
A heart that is so scarred,
It no longer feels.
A mind that is so overwhelmed,
It no longer thinks.
Is this what I have become?
A mindless,
Expressionless,
Emotionless,
Girl?
Life feels dull
Not even black and white
just
mute.
No pain or hurt,
I have suppressed it so much
None of it exists to me
anymore.
I could careless
about anyone else
right now.
I would rather just float
through the scenes
of the rest of my life than
make an effort
to change what will
inevitably happen.
I want to throw a lot of it away.
Throw it into the wind
And not even watch
as the things i had once
worked hard for
disappear.
I don't give a ****
about anything
anymore.
Feb 2013 · 523
Garden of Hope
V Feb 2013
A gentle breeze,
Like an open palm.
I lean into it,
Letting it caress me.
It dances through my hair,
Lifting and swaying
In the warm summer sun.
All is right in this moment.
Thoughts not so jumbled.
Peace attainable,
If only for a moment.
To sit and not only hear the stillness
But to feel it.
The breath that was forgotten
Comes back
Like a rushing wave.
Inhaling deeply.
Everything fades.
In that moment I am alive
I close my eyes
Letting it wash over me.
The feel of the earth
beneath my hands and feet.
Time stops and its ok.
The softness of the grass
Rocks me in a silent lullaby.
I am Alice and this is my wonderland.
The rustling leaves,
The singing birds.
A love affair,
Between my heart
And the place that I find myself.
If only I could stay forever.
Feb 2013 · 337
..........
V Feb 2013
Sometimes I feel infinitely messed up.
Jan 2013 · 721
Made in ____________.
V Jan 2013
There are those who have a place,
And those who lost one.
Those who change the world,
And those who are never known by it.
The seen and unseen.
This girl is average.
Like every other.
Manufactured in a child labored factory,
Under horrifying conditions.
Yet she makes the cut, as imperfect as she is.
to live in this imperfect world,
Obsessed with perfection.
Twisted into believing that it is.
Has not enough beauty marks,
And to many zits to pop.
Focuses on high maintenance,
Forgets the festering wound.
Not quite a reject she is.
The bi-product of searching for that ONE with IT.
****** into a fast paced life with a slight limp, and a stuttered lisp.
Unable to catch up.
Yet she hears, and sees,
And knows.
"I was created to fill a space, and yet I have no place."
A clone of every other,
Same microchipped thoughts.
Walking aimlessly on a planet with no room.
Purpose for the purposeless,
Eat or be eaten.
But you can not eat without utensils,
And you weren't packaged with these necessities.
To feed with your hands is primal,
And not accepted.
Live this life until you die,
Unknown and alone.
We all walk the same stories,
Each thinking we are our own.
Some separate, and find a way,
Never looking back.
But for those of us who walk with that limp,
We will never get it fixed.
And in this fast paced "perfect" world,
Where we can't catch up,
We will never find our way.
Live unknown to die alone.
But alas it is our mindset that makes the difference
Is it not?
The challenge is re-coding what we were made into.
Loving ourselves, and fighting for the imperfect world.
Instead of accepting the roles given by society.
That's when we will become someone different.
But it's not easy.
It rarely ever is.
Nov 2012 · 665
You took it away.
V Nov 2012
You took my wedding day away from me.
Even though you have forgotten about me
I have never forgotten about you.
Someone has even taken your place
And I'm torn in two
Because he was always there
When you never were.
He is the rightful owner of the title
But **** my heart
I can't bring myself to hurt you
In the same way that you have hurt me.
When I think about that special day
In the future
I feel a pain because
Although I know who deserves to walk me down the aisle
I can't imagine having you just sit off to the side
Feeling horrible because you never lived up to who you were supposed to be for me
I'm a fool
It should be easy
But every time,
Every time I think about that day
Instead of feeling joy
I just feel pain and heart ache.
So I have decided,
I won't ever have one.
It's hard to choose between the one that loves you with a fullness in their heart
Versus the one who could never love with depth even though they are blood.
You took that day from me.
I don't want to break your heart
Even though you so easily broke mine.
At the end of the day,
He is my dad through and through
But there was a time that I remembered where you were once my dad too.
Now I see
Princesses grow up
And fairy tales were never real.
You taught me that.
And you took my wedding day away from me.
Sep 2012 · 1.6k
Issues
V Sep 2012
How are you not to be damaged,
When the one that you think is supposed to love,
Doesn't really love you.
I mean it feels like there is supposed to be some sort of unwritten rule somewhere
That states if you have a a kid you must love them.
I'm not just talking about muttering those three little words.
That can be scribbled on paper, or typed in an email.
I'm talking about a deep rooted, carved in your heart, can be felt from across the world, no mistaking, pure and sacrificial love.
Tangible love, seen, and felt, and heard.
No I don't need money from you.
I would prefer to feel like I'm worth knowing
Rather than the feeling of my forgiveness being bought.
See how am I supposed to feel that others in life will like me,
If my own parent doesn't care to even know me.
Yes the world is a wonderful place and I understand the feeling of being caged.
So wouldn't it have been better in the beginning if you had never even made the effort?
So that when you decided that the world was worth more 
and that I was just an anchor to a place you didn't care for.
Wouldn't it have been easier for me,
Instead of feeling like I was a piece of trash tossed over your shoulder missing the waste basket because you didn't even care to look as you threw it.
Not even put in a rightful place, left to wonder is it something I did wrong?
Only to grow up and find out it was much worse
it wasn't anything I did, it is the simple fact that I wasn't enough.
Wasn't enough for you, to much work to wipe off my ***** face.
Wasn't enough for you to pick up and kiss the ****** knee that I scrapped.
Wasn't enough for you to watch me as I grew, to give me advice on making life's toughest decisions.
Wasn't enough for you to see that although it was good for you to escape the cage from which you felt confined to, 
you didn't realize that I had followed you in, and on your way out without so much as a backwards glance, you locked me in.
Maybe I got it wrong.
Maybe there shouldn't be some unwritten rule that makes you love your children.
Because there shouldn't be anything that makes you love.
Maybe I just need to realize that some people are loved and others just aren't.
Some people are capable of loving.
Some are only capable of hurting those who have a twisted look on life 
Thinking that by just being someone's own flesh and blood qualifies to being loved.
Only to be taught the truth.
It doesn't.
Sep 2012 · 1.3k
Lifetime scars
V Sep 2012
Just words

These are just words.
A storm in the distance 
Advancing with rage 
Escalating in time 
Take the power away.
Just words.
High pitch shriek 
Piercing ears 
Traveling the connection 
Between head and heart
These are just words
Spitting out the mouth 
Tornados
Harmless breathe
Butterfly wings flap
Lethal turning.
Just words
Beauty that seems to fly 
from angry hands
Beat the things 
Only supernaturally touched
These are just words
Hurled in a corner 
Knees to chest 
Just words
Raging war 
Settling scores
These are just words
Tearing like paper 
Childhood taken
Just words
Target set to ****
Bullet bursting 
These are just Words!
Rivers flowing 
Shame imploding 
Just words.
Regret for tomorrow 
Can't take back what stains 
These are just words
Memories flicker
Weight upon the shoulders
Just words
Empty, 
lifeless 
These are just words
Nothing that can come to cut the heart
To chain the soul.
Destroy the life.
Just words
Repeat, 
repeat
These are just words.......
Sep 2012 · 12.7k
Regrets
V Sep 2012
I don't understand why  it is so difficult now
When before it might not have been easy
but it by far was never this bad
I can't hear the whisper anymore
I don't know if I ever will again
Why can't I wake myself up?
I haven't cried in a long time
I haven't truly expressed any type of emotion
except for anger
in a long time
I don't remember myself anymore
I miss a lot of things
If I knew back then
what I was going to be like now
I would run like hell
and try to change a lot of things
Someone once asked a question
"What are some regrets that you live with?"
This is what I would answer with...
I regret the day that I didn't ride my bike anymore.
I regret the day I started wearing make up.
I regret the day i straightened my hair.
I regret the day I didn't wear my retainers.
I regret the day I stopped playing sports.
I regret the day I stopped swimming.
I regret the day I stopped doing gymnastics.
I regret the day I stopped being a kid.
I regret the day my Grandma died and I realized I knew nothing about her.
I regret the day my Grandpa died and I never got to tell him how much I love him.
I regret the days I took for gran-it when I could talk to my mom face to face
I regret the day that I didn't be a little nicer to my brothers.
I regret the day I didn't live up to being the Youth leader I should have been
I regret the day that I decided I wasn't good enough
I regret the day I couldn't look in the mirror and not hate myself.
I regret the day I boxed up my emotions.
I regret the day that I let society take who I was.
I regret the day where I no longer felt important.
I regret the day that I ran away from everything.
I regret the day that I told myself "there is no turning back"
I regret the day that I lost a friend.
I regret the day where I became angry.
I regret the day where I saw my friends turning and there was nothing I could do.
I regret the day the world fell upon my shoulders.
There are so many regrets.
Far more then just this short list.
I'm in a moment of life
where things never seem to get any better.
There are still the same unsolved problems as yesterday
and life still doesn't get any easier.
The best I can do for now,
Is smile,
and pretend like nothing really matters

— The End —