I yearned for an eternity
A lifetime where it was only me
Where each fibre soaring in my lungs would finally breathe
Where humanity rested at my feet
I craved the feeling of utter destruction
The feverish feeling of everyone dying
But I was no GOD , no worthy being to rule the world

I wanted to glue every part of me to you
And dance with the devil you had become
I wanted to feed off the pain in your eyes
As you cried rivers of bloom
I wanted to be your spring
An everlasting flower loitered with thorns
I wanted to feel the beat in your chest
And match it's rhythm to mine
I wanted to be yours in every form of the word
I wanted to paint onto the blankness of your canvas
And ruin the innocence dancing on your tongue
I wanted to burn the engravings of my name on the nape of your neck
I wanted to kiss at the scars I made
I wanted to caress the coral on your cheeks
And watch your smile fade into pleasure
I wanted you to want every burden bruising your shoulders
I wanted you to fade into the distant thoughts of others
Yet vividly lust at the thought of being mine
I wanted you to be mine
I wanted you to cradle at my yearning
And feel all that I feel for you
I wanted you
I wanted to graze my teeth on the layers of your skin
And read between the creases of you eyes
I wanted to learn every twitch of your thumb
And trace it's skin on my lips
I wanted to drown in your abyss
I wanted every single piece hidden within the creases of your eye
As your face creased with a smile
I wanted you to be mine , feel like mine , dream like mine , word like mine , walk like mine but with that unjustly sinking feeling I drown in the realisation that you could never be mine

As I pondered,word for word ,
Broke it down to it's atomic pieces
Placed a microscope on the trenches of my skin
Questioned each phase , and  layered the meaning of it all , doubted my own existence and truely made a bed of my wonders . Had I truely forgiven myself.Had I killed at the pesticides hidden in my heart . Burnt my own flesh and truely loathed the skin I wore . Had I become the non existence of my worthiness, had I bled words of complete oblivion, chattered out a sea of revaluations only to pay them no mind, was I the question I had constantly asked and fed off the thrill within the answers . Was it over yet? The grief within my breathing extended my lifespan , the envy of those oblivious to the torture of time , Am I stuck ? Am I lost ? Was it ever really mine ?or was I just masticating at the thought of it being true , had I really fallen inlove with you

Tuesday night, my mother sits , her face buried in her screen
Blues playing on the radio at the neighbours house
My brother yells from across the bolder keeping us apart
My door opens , freshly presented with a new responsibility

Breathing , had so feverishly left ,
As the words echoed through the pen keeping me sane

My mother had brought me a request ,
A journey through the cracks of our house,
Whispering the imperfections of my efforts
My books sadly abandoning me in the abyss of my cluelessness
Pots ringing in the distance ,my mother notices my exhaustion
Considering her yearning for my duty
The door shuts pulling the last of my efforts at its tail
Victory! Shortly lived , as the voice blasts into the oblivion of my echo
“RUN ME A BATH OF COLD WATER"
“AND DONT FORGET TO BREATH"

I had fallen so undoubtedly inlove with the remnants of you . Kissed at the mere thoughts of you being mine once more . Tortured my own mind into crushing at your memory,and yet salvaging all that I could keep of you . You were gone , many had accepted it but why could I not ? Why was I tearing at my tounge hoping you would hear words I had never spoken to you . Telling you the complexities of my love for you . It was torture simply loving you , bathing my lungs in the smoke from yours . I had known I had loved you but I hated you even more . I had made a room of your beauty, painted it's wall with your sarcasm , lit up the room with your compliments, made a bed of your love , found comfort in your cigarettes, left the window slightly ajar to let you in . Forced myself into your oblivion and finally accepted your existence, withering in the pain of never loving you the same , I yearned , being starved of a fantasy , I made vines of my arms , spat grapes from my teeth , fermented my pride and made a wine for your famished tounge  to lick upon , I had made you drunk for my love , feverish for my touch , reluctant to your reality I had made you mine , but never was I yours , with you I had yearned to be more , to bathe in acceptance and yield off any doubts but you were a man feeding off my young  so it being burnt in my nature how could I trample your pride and lather you walls with rejection. You were a circumstance,a built in fantasy , a book of desires , the embodiment of everything and nothing at all . So word it to me , acknowledge my uneducated being and tell me tales , twist at my oblivion and tell who was I to say no,who was I to perish at your advances , and tell you that you were furthest from the love I seeked , that your touch was bruising to my skin , that I had fallen inlove with a compromise and not a companion. That I had sacrificed the feeling of freedom to be bound by the guilt of my reciprocation, that I was haunted by my lack of mercy to your withering heart , that I knew  to you I was the blood pumping at your heart but to me you were soon to be lover from the past . That I had been feeding off your naivety, that your reluctance to trust clenched at the skin of my lips and sealed a promise in my heart . The I had been crippled with boredom, and forced my being into yours for the pureness of my entertainment. Who was I to tell you ,  what was hidden between the crevices of my smile , who was I to show you the intent within my glistening eyes , who was I to save you from who I truely was ...

I had grown so viciously accustomed to the  ignorance hidden within the history of my chrome heart
I had ventured off into palaces of sexuality , learning a new form of expression
I had fed off the uncertainty of acceptance for those of my kind
Those who so innocently learnt of what to do but never with who
I had wondered if the words kissed at my teeth,were the tell the tales of my ***,would people run or would they embrace me with my celibacy
I was 17 many had tried atleast more than a hug
A sweet caress between their thighs as they gave up what I'm so constantly trying to hide
Maybe I had bruised my body so much that I had convinced the uncertainty in my mind that I am still a women
But was I enough of a women to sacrifice my women -hood for a hood a barely even fit into
But I've held the barrel of my virginity and swung it in the eyes of temptation
I have worked hard to build on my purity
But is it even mine