As I pondered,word for word ,
Broke it down to it's atomic pieces
Placed a microscope on the trenches of my skin
Questioned each phase , and  layered the meaning of it all , doubted my own existence and truely made a bed of my wonders . Had I truely forgiven myself.Had I killed at the pesticides hidden in my heart . Burnt my own flesh and truely loathed the skin I wore . Had I become the non existence of my worthiness, had I bled words of complete oblivion, chattered out a sea of revaluations only to pay them no mind, was I the question I had constantly asked and fed off the thrill within the answers . Was it over yet? The grief within my breathing extended my lifespan , the envy of those oblivious to the torture of time , Am I stuck ? Am I lost ? Was it ever really mine ?or was I just masticating at the thought of it being true , had I really fallen inlove with you

There was this thing  you did
Your lips would twitch before you smile
It made you look so lost so fragile
There was thing you did
Your body a trembling mess
As my hands explored the abyss of your silence
There was this thing you did
Your eyes dilated as we fed off the high of our energies
You my only remedy
There was this thing you did
Unintentionally wooling my clarify into pure desire
And dancing to the sounds of my pure want
For you
For us
There was this thing you did
Watch me spill the glass of my love in your hands
Without warning as you watched it fall right through
All because of those things you do

Humanity,An opioid of complete destruction
A feeling of complete bliss
Eating at ones flesh
Swollen with bruises
Kissed on with pure desire
Derailing from its inevitable consequence
Feeding off its relentlessness
Wishing, craving and sweetening in the gums of our passions
Stiffened by our willingness
Consent clogging at our throats
We were starved , uneasy and famished by the pureness of our sacrifice
Ripping at our lungs for air
We were clogged by the  fumes of our betrayal.
Elasticated by our flexibility from the truth
We were judgements , hurting at thought of our comfort
Burning for a feeling of pure want
Escapees from the  prison of society
Harmful to the vendors of our mind
Hurting from the remnants of our predecessors
We were generations of desire
Languishing for a reality of pure lust
Clashing our teeth at the books of our times
We were authors printing our devotion
We were poetry
Drugged out by our literacy
Hardened in our eyes
Knowing, yet still lost in the pools of   our thirst
Illicit and impotent to our progression

I had fallen so undoubtedly inlove with the remnants of you . Kissed at the mere thoughts of you being mine once more . Tortured my own mind into crushing at your memory,and yet salvaging all that I could keep of you . You were gone , many had accepted it but why could I not ? Why was I tearing at my tounge hoping you would hear words I had never spoken to you . Telling you the complexities of my love for you . It was torture simply loving you , bathing my lungs in the smoke from yours . I had known I had loved you but I hated you even more . I had made a room of your beauty, painted it's wall with your sarcasm , lit up the room with your compliments, made a bed of your love , found comfort in your cigarettes, left the window slightly ajar to let you in . Forced myself into your oblivion and finally accepted your existence, withering in the pain of never loving you the same , I yearned , being starved of a fantasy , I made vines of my arms , spat grapes from my teeth , fermented my pride and made a wine for your famished tounge  to lick upon , I had made you drunk for my love , feverish for my touch , reluctant to your reality I had made you mine , but never was I yours , with you I had yearned to be more , to bathe in acceptance and yield off any doubts but you were a man feeding off my young  so it being burnt in my nature how could I trample your pride and lather you walls with rejection. You were a circumstance,a built in fantasy , a book of desires , the embodiment of everything and nothing at all . So word it to me , acknowledge my uneducated being and tell me tales , twist at my oblivion and tell who was I to say no,who was I to perish at your advances , and tell you that you were furthest from the love I seeked , that your touch was bruising to my skin , that I had fallen inlove with a compromise and not a companion. That I had sacrificed the feeling of freedom to be bound by the guilt of my reciprocation, that I was haunted by my lack of mercy to your withering heart , that I knew  to you I was the blood pumping at your heart but to me you were soon to be lover from the past . That I had been feeding off your naivety, that your reluctance to trust clenched at the skin of my lips and sealed a promise in my heart . The I had been crippled with boredom, and forced my being into yours for the pureness of my entertainment. Who was I to tell you ,  what was hidden between the crevices of my smile , who was I to show you the intent within my glistening eyes , who was I to save you from who I truely was ...

In the eyes of a
Week
A moment
A connection
And
A conflict
I had had managed to fit
Every part of your love
That would ruin me
And
Before the eyes of our passions dwells
On the nightfall
Of our imperfections
I decided it would be easier
To watch you leave

I had grown so viciously accustomed to the  ignorance hidden within the history of my chrome heart
I had ventured off into palaces of sexuality , learning a new form of expression
I had fed off the uncertainty of acceptance for those of my kind
Those who so innocently learnt of what to do but never with who
I had wondered if the words kissed at my teeth,were to tell the tales of my ***,would people run or would they embrace me with my celibacy
I was 17 many had tried atleast more than a hug
A sweet caress between their thighs as they gave up what I'm so constantly trying to hide
Maybe I had bruised my body so much that I had convinced the uncertainty in my mind that I am still a women
But was I enough of a women to sacrifice my women -hood for a hood I barely even fit into
But I've held the barrel of my virginity and swung it in the eyes of temptation
I have worked hard to build on my purity
But is it even mine

A calming stretch of existence
Spiralled into an abyss of discomfort
Burnt out by the joy of realisation
Eyes dancing on the horizon
Maybe we are Orphic
Two fleeting souls
Craving the familiarity of scabs between our teeth
Questions
What are you doing to me ?

It hits you suddenly
Burdens of grief
Piling in a moment of joy
A sad realisation settling in the creases of your smile
Their gone , but life moved on
Within that moment you press at your throat
And hope no one can hear you heaving
No one likes a party pooper afterall
Life moved on , so why haven't you
Suddenly your words feel thick
And a silent cacophony dwells at your feet
No one notices as you leave the party
Life moved on so why would you stay
Then the doors pile in with people pressing the edge of your chin
And you scream
Hoping someone would hear your plea
Please sympathize with me
I'm battling a lifetime of grief

When the world is silently crumbling
And your only evidence is the tears
No one gets to see

As the brittle leaves of our bones
Fell
And words could hardly explain our
Existence
It feverishly fed on our death
But it was alive
So who was there to blame?
And for the first time I prayed
Which was funny
Since I didn't believe in God
And sadly he reminded me that
It should stay that way

She was all we had left of him... “was" a sullen reminder of her passing. Soon we would see the self proclamation of those who said they loved her . But only when she was bruised and beaten down . Her son's a brutal reminder of a motherhood she'd rather forget . Soon she'll be forgotten like the rest . They'll wear black and praise her name , reiterate her dance moves and leaving a space just in case , maybe she knew when those promises would subside , when the demons hushed as those around silently watched as she died . Each sentence riddled with past tense , you lost a sister,we lost a mother and a best friend . At some point , I had hated who she was , swore she was everything but human , but as time aged my mind I saw it all, the brokenness of her , but still she stood tall . She giggled through the torture,even tripped on her own words , made humour of her troubles, clashed her teeth to the next, her defiance a sight to relish in , as frail as she became no one could stop her dancing, glistening with pure wonder, she was everything. Worded within the beauty of torture , chaotic and derived from pain , she grew wings , even with blistered feet she flew again , cackling at the wolves baring her teeth at our sympathy, I knew she clawed her lungs for her last breath , broken and barren we still rejoiced in her absence, licking the dregs of our tears , feasting off our grief , we danced through the night .. barely mentioned the reasons for our gatherings , we swore at the stars , praised a God we'd barely believed in , kissed our teeth to class of wine , clogged our lungs with memories, today we danced with acceptance, tomorrow our feet will hurt with reality. Time will  scan our misfortune, conformity dwelling at our feet , we'll sing of your memory, Even though though we know that you're gone

Chaos was evident within her mind . Her words drunk off a poison she had never tasted before . Her own existence was stagnant. The dancefloor riddled with uncertainty, she had lost her groove,only those around barely even noticed . Her spine had switch directions leaving lying flat on the dancefloor, she fumed with anger as she hated the pity within our eye. Though she listened to our music with understanding, since she knew all we did was care , even if that meant till the music ends , soon enough she swayed her hips to the new rhythm she had been dealt, staring into the oblivion of her end . Still anger burnt within her eyes when she stared into mine , forgetting the promise that she made , our faces glistening in gold as we swayed to the new song we shared , acceptance settling within our hearts
But still with our hearts broken , knees cracking ,calves swollen with exhaustion, tears rolling down our faces ,she whispered with such glee, let's have our last dance again

Skating on a bruised ego , darkened lungs , failed social life, academic failure and lack of relationship status... Overall growing up fucken *****

There was something hidden within my loneliness
A never ending feeling of settling within the edge of my glory days
I hadn't had a drink in ages
Why was I so complacent
I have broken from my prime
Why am I so concerned
I haven't had a smoke in a while
Why do I smoke
Why
Why am I alive
Why
Why
Why
Such questions without a question mark
I've burdened myself from my younger days
I'm incoherent, indecisive
Why do I care
No body cares
If I ****** at my dignity with parentheses
An overload of unbearable redundancy
My patience has strung its way through my teeth
Why am I failing year 11
Why do my peers smell like sweat
Do I smell like sweat
All these questions without question marks
Have I become a period
The end of every sentence
The after thought hidden within the tortures of teenage hood
I haven't cried in a while
Why
Why
Why .... She whispered in the hollow room she shared with her therapist

My mind can't bare listening to love songs
Without you consuming it's every thought
But maybe that's because my whole existence
is hidden in every melody
My love for you in every verse
Sadly I listen
Knowing your existence isn't in a single chord
I know you don't love me
As much as I wish you would

We grew desperate to feel something
Pacified our insecurities to feel nothing
Walked on the dirt of our desire
Burnt the uncertainty to a simple late night text
Swore we were holding onto our impurities
And fed each other our brokenness
Held pen vein
As we swore we were poets
And painted the walls with our ink
Fled the dusk
To dawn in the dawn of our indecisiveness
Walked on broken shells
Just to fall at the cathedral of our love
Words unmatched
Palaces of misfortune
Clung onto the shreds of virtue
Yet inevitably broke at a crossroads

My pen broke
Between my fingers
And before I knew it
Words came to difficult
Hardly a thing known to man
I had lost my worth between the creases of my page
I have never felt this before

Why can I not write
When my heart yearns for nothing more
?

How do you know that you're still alive?
Well you wake up and you're still breathing
How unpoetic of you

And suddenly
...
You stumbled back into the barren field you once called home
Sat on your side of the bed
And threw your socks across the room
Told me tales of where you've been
And I listened , whilst straining at my teeth
Fighting the urge to cuss you out
The words fly right out of my mouth before my mind could brace you for the fall
"I don't remember letting you in"