I've been through worse
so much worse
and I survived
so I know I can now too

I can make it

but here's the thing,
its not one problem
or some huge thing
weighing me down

its the little things
the way I'm always alone
every time I see them happier without me
the way I don't sleep anymore
every mistake I make
the way I've given up on being clean
every person who leaves, one by one
the way I've lost all energy
every night I barely pull through
all of it

its wearing me down
little by little
it's drowning me

a small stream
slowly corroding my mind, body and soul
till I'm destroyed
a shell of who I once was
so utterly useless
that there's no point anymore

it's not that I cant survive
it's that I don't want to anymore

i can't hold on to   f  l  e  e  t  i  n  g   thoughts
                                                              
what did they give me

                               what am i on?

            can't feel a thing but my scratched raw wrists
                                                          ­                   ...and bloodied palms

    my life is gone,

                                what am i on?
  **** me please
      
                                             i can't hold on

there's bile in my throat
and a burning in my eyes
my chest is constricting
I feel as though I may die

I can't breath
my lungs are breaking
the world is blurry
my hands are quaking

there's this numbness now
it followed suit
so I know a panic attack
is painfully acute

We were fairies
Flying far away
Pixy dust covered us
As glitter would rain
The days we spent pretending
All our problems away
Secrete sleepovers where we giggled and hid
Back when I was truly just an innocent kid
Oh I don't want to forget
When I hung our drawing
Littering my walls
Oh, I remember those days like I live in them now
I wish to go back, I just don’t know how.

How many times can I scream before I drown
Has life always been a spiral headed down?

Should I give up if there’s no end in sight
Or just keep on going, trying in spite
I'm alone

Over the years my walls have all changed
My door closed permanently
In hopes to shut out my pain
When did life shift, how can I go back?
Now I’m sinking, I’m fading away
Why should I keep trying if it all ends the same,
Is it I who is truly the one to be blamed.
I don’t want to be here,
Why can’t I just disappear?
I wish to go back, but I don’t know how.

How many times can I scream before I drown
Why won’t my life stop spiraling down

Should I give up if there’s no end in sight
Or just keep on going, trying in spite
I’m alone

Why hold on,
Why not let go?
How many times more will I breathe till I die
If it’s gonna end, why do I still try
And what if I give it all up tonight
Just lay there, content, as my tears start to dry
Surrounded by the walls of my childhood mind
Where we used to dress up as undercover spies
Maybe, just maybe, I’ll give it a try

Should I give up if there’s no end in sight
Or just keep on going, trying in spite
I’m alone

.          *******               *******         *******                  *******
           I was just            I just saw          I just heard            I was just
           ripped               your                                your                     torn
           back                 eyes                                    laugh                  ba­ck  
           into                 in                                                  in           ­      into
           my                my                                             ­      my               my
           past            reflection                                void mind            past


                                          ­            *******
                                                      that hurt

Well hello
It’s nice to meet
Yes, you right there
Please take a seat

Now, I’ve heard things
And I don’t like what I hear
We have a few things to go over
So let me make myself clear

I know it’s hard
Believe me, I do
But I need you to listen
To just hear me through

So why don’t we start
With the scariest part
Because I hear those questions
That lie deep in your heart

Word is you’re done
That you’re letting go
You think no one loves you
It’s not true though

You are needed and loved
More than you can see
More than you’ll ever know
Even if you don’t agree

I see that you question
How much you are worth
But I need you to know
You’re more precious than Earth

Alright dear
Let’s skip the chit-chat
You do have a future
And I need you to know that

Be kind to yourself
Be your own lover
Live life to the fullest
There’s so much left to discover

Now I know that you’re trying
And that your fears are so loud
So, if no one’s told you today
Please know that I’m proud

I understand that you feel
Like you aren’t enough
But believe me you are
Hey, don’t you huff

Wait, don’t leave
We’re almost done
But listen close
This is an important one

I’ve seen what you think
And I know what you say
But there will be someone
Who loves you till the end of days

Now keep your head up
I’m cheering you on
And go live life for you
Go be that black swan

Know I’ll always be here
If you need a friend
But darling I’ll pray
We never have to speak again

I'm here to write something happy
something true and dear to heart
preferably without exposing the agony
rattling in my chest and tearing me apart

I'm here to use my love for words
to express something I don't feel
happiness, where did you go
oh, were you ever real?

were you in the breeze that made me feel like flying
as I rode my bike with neighbor boys?
or were you in the ice cream dripping on my shirt
on the summer days that buzzed with lively noise?

oh happiness, what were you?
please just let me feel
but no, how could you penetrate a heart
that's made of steal?

To sleep is to relax
To let your body stop
To sleep is to leave yourself unprotected
And let your walls all drop

To sleep is to accept the end of today
And allow it to be morning
To sleep is to stop the day
Then wake without a warning

To sleep is to let time pass by
Without any hope of keeping track
To sleep is to give up control
An ability in which I lack