I always thought that our friendship would last forever,
But now I can't help but wonder if it ever really did exist

"Why don't you try to reach for the stars?"

"Darling, sometimes I don't even know how to reach sanity"

your sticks and stones
didn't break my bones
but god, did your words hurt me

let's have a court,
the type with guns and swords
and there will be no jury

i'll never forget
the way i screamed
when i woke up and saw her note.

the moment inbetween
where i didnt know
if my only family
the only one who had loved me
was even alive.

i knew from a young age i wasn't right.
i knew my parents didn't like that.
i knew that i couldn't be as perfect as my brother.
i knew that they wouldn't accept me.

but my sister
she loved me anyways
and she tried to die.
what if she had succeeded?
what if she was gone?
what would the last 4 years have been like?
would i still even be alive?

thank god
she's still here.

i walked downstairs to my room
and cried the way i had taught myself.
curled up in a ball
tears dripping to the ground
gripping the floor
screaming
crying
yelling
but never heard.
silent.
i would never wake my family!
why, that would be mean.
so i cry.
silently.
and rip my hair out
and try not to cut
and punch the floor
and hug myself
and punch myself
and hate myself and feel so, so sorry for the little boy who had to deal with this.
for myself.
i hate this

when my love pours beyond
the rim of the glass,
i won’t cry over spilt milk.

what is longing if not a drop,
pressed at once with cloth in vain.

let it run down the table’s edge,
a river of devotion.

and if it stains the wood, so be it
for what is love
if it leaves no mark?

let it rest in the grain,
a memory not meant to vanish
but to remind me, i once overflowed.


n.h.

untying deep memories
tracing pain to its source

a lifetimes healing
a lifetimes work