a million words at my fingertips
a million miles from your lips
you moved to where my mother is from

my heart slams sometimes
when you're out of my mind
then I see someone in your same car

I dream, not of you
but of feverish obsession

dazzling, electric
your 11 oclock
meeting a thousand
feet off the ground

cotton candy pink
melted on your tongues
guitars singing
for you the world

for me a basement
the boyfriend upstairs
for me a glimpse
a kiss that you forgot

Looking out a ***** window
The worlds got a funny little tint
Looking over I can hear your smile
And then I wonder what you have to smile about
I flatter myself and believe that maybe you were smiling because of me
Like maybe I could make you forget


No matter what I do , it’s all temporary
You go back to your dad and like he’s another drug you can’t quit
And turn your stomach to blue grey water
it’s a ***** river that I try to clean , but it insists on staying this way

And oh how beautiful you are
With the sun on your skin , like she loves only you
I can hardly blame her , I feel that way too
And oh how tragic you are
You were doomed from the start , never had a chance
And carrying the weight of it all, you keep going


I hate you for the way you treat yourself
And I love you more than you know
If only I were enough to make it all go away

I think I’m in love with you
Which makes it all harder to watch you disintegrate, killing yourself slowly

I wish I was beautiful
Not because I care what the world thinks
Not because I want to be loved by all
But simply so that I could look at you
And feel that I deserve the sensation of your glowing green eyes
And feel that I am worthy of your beautiful smile

Another night of hearing the heartbeat of the house

The thudding and pounding and echoing the floors make when she screams

For a moment , I don’t care

I stare blankly ahead and tell myself it doesn’t matter because it’s not even happening

And then it hits, and like a flood, knocks the breath out of me

The trees are blooming early again
And the air smells like you
It smells like picnics and sunshine
When life was exciting and new
We laid in the grass and you smiled
I blink
Now clouds of smoke escape your lips
Now you are small and fragile
Now your in a quicksand slipping away from me
Your bottles are shiny and i know they look nice when the night is young
Till it's January 1st and you're in a hospital
Wondering what went wrong

you painted my world and made it so bright
But the thunder comes eventually

And even your pretty colors can’t keep away
The darkness, the lightning, the hurt and the pain

you were sidewalk chalk , and I was child
With hope and sun in my heart

But my tears washed it all away in an instant
Why did you break me apart

I used to see roses and chocolate cake
Now there is blood red and black in its place

The pinks and the blues all run together and after a moment it’s like the chalk Was never there at all

I wish you had changed your mind and realized that you can’t just leave when you want

When the smoke clears you'll look around at the ashes
And miss the things that you pushed away
But then it’s too late
And all that’s left are memories and an ash tray


You like to hide your problems
Like they're toys that you don’t wanna share
I guess why it's hard
To leave you there
And then walk away
on with my day

Now i am walking and i'm thinking about this path
I've walked it a thousand times before
And yet somehow every time that i come back
The trees are dying
just a little more
And if i could rescue you
I would help rescue you
I am staring
At a fire
Destroying my whole house
Trying to put it out with water in my hands
And I’m standing here and I
cant stop crying
And you're standing there like you don't understand

Shivers run down my spine
The stairs creak as I walk up to my room
My teeth chatter and I’m sure my lips are blue
So I pause at the top stair and decide to walk back down
I get to the fireplace and throw in a few matches
Much better I think to myself
I sit by the fire till the sleepiness shuts my eyes

I wake to the smell of burning
Flames leap and dance all around me
My eyes light up at the fiery tongues
And as the house burns I stand in the storm of heat
I am engulfed by the flames and as I go I smile , for I know I will never be cold again

We went to get ice cream
And I said I was full
You made a face but you let it go
This place used to be my favorite you know


I don’t want you to stop me
But I want you to care
Does that make me bad?
I want it to matter


I know you know that I need help
I know you hear my silent cries
But you put on headphones
You block me out

You made another mistake .
My friends all ask me why I put up with you
And I tell them I don’t know
But I do know

I put up with you because you are laying on the earth on a kids playground in the rain
You are driving in my car with the windows down and the music loud
You are making cookies and laughing because you put too much salt
You are kissing in the forrest
You are sitting in the grass and looking at clouds
You are falling asleep in my room while my favorite record plays
You are all of these things but I don’t know how to explain that
So I shrug and change the subject

I remember standing where I am now
Looking at the little girl in the yellow sweatshirt
Whose haircut you make fun of now
I remember

She flashes before my eyes then is replaced by you
Her , three years later
This time there is no yellow
This time I cannot see the colors
My eyes are clouded by your cigarette smoke
Your eyes are tired and unsatisfied
They shift around and I wonder what you are afraid of

This room hasn’t changed
But we have

I cannot write down my thoughts
Their colorful bodies
Dance in my mind
And refuse to leave

I wish you could see
How beautiful it is
Here in my tired mind
Brought to life only by
The few words that leave my lips

I am a body unequipped for this soul

As my head hits the pillow I remember
I’m in love with a girl who needs a lighter to feel
It hurts seeing her ache during every fleeting moment of sobriety
I watch her in the in between and realize this is how it works
She can’t go with out it
I can’t do what the liquor can
I can’t compete
It’s selfish, I know, to be angry at her
I try to understand, I really do
And I want to help
She is slipping out of my grasp
A weak branch is the only thing stopping her from falling off that cliff
And at any moment she could decide
It’s not worth it to hold on
Every time I see her I am filled with relief
And also regret
I know I will never be enough to make this go away
I wish I was enough
My thoughts look like angry scribbles on a torn sheet of paper
They are written in another language and so I decide
That’s enough thinking for tonight
And I go to sleep

I sit by your side and I am faintly aware of how much noise I am making

I try to catch my breath without you hearing

I can feel the dirt and particles dance across my hands and I feel disgusting

I look at you, you are how life should be
You are clean without trying . Your body isn’t demanding of space.

This skin of mine is an ill fitting outfit and I want it off .

Your pure white petals caught my meandering eye
And your bright yellow center glinted gold in the sun
A stranger may have seen you and kept on walking
But for better or worse , I stopped down and picked you

Now I keep you in a glass , it’s all that I have
With some tap water from the downstairs sink
I put you in the window to give you some light
And watch as you start to die.
Your white is tinted with a grayish hue
Your leaves are frowning at me
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I wasn’t capable of taking care of a flower
And now it is too late

You tell me to look at the bright side
And I’m trying
My windows are nice
But covered in blinds
I don’t remeber what the sun looks like
This old house
Collapses slowly
And I stand and watch
With no feeling at all
at least now I can see the sun

One day I hope you cry
Not because of your sorrow and not from fear
But because you see the most beautiful thing in the world
Because you discover the meaning of life
Because you look directly into the sun and feel alive  
One day I hope you cry
Because somebody knows you fully and loves you
Because you are so happy
That you cannot stop yourself
From letting out a tear

The roses you spent all spring trying to grow were crushed in a moment
The rain was too heavy, it fell too fast
They are gone now, there is no changing that
Its cruelly ironic to think
the very thing those flowers need to live
Killed them in the end
I know , I know
You loved the roses
I know the hours you spent with them
I know how your back aches from kneeling over them
I know
But I promise you this terrible storm
Will make new flowers
Sprout up in their place
New flowers for you to grow
New flowers for you to love
All because of this rain

Four walls painted the most artificial yellow I have ever seen surround me

I sit at a desk that has been written on by some poor soul who was tormented as I am being tormented now

I am told authority is beautiful
Fabricated moments of patriotism
Create an illusion of virtue
And in the same breath
I am declared a sinner
Unworthy of love from an entity of unconditional love
I know they are wrong
I know they are hateful
But sometimes , when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long
I believe them

How could I not? I sat at the desk for years being shouted at

This is the truth. There is no other way.

I think about the man who painted these horrible walls
What would he say if he were here?
Does it matter?
I will never know him now but somehow he had become a small part of my life , he has taken up a space in my brain no matter how seemingly unimportant  

These seem to be very trivial thoughts
And perhaps they are
Maybe I only think them to fill the time
To drown out the yelling

Either way I hope the man who painted these walls
Is better off than I