I looked out the window,
it was the only thing that could calm me,
well that and Nan's tea,
But nan was dead and so was everything that made me happy,

I stood there, just staring out the 2nd floor bathroom window,
somehow the silence, the streetlight and the potted plants on our neighbors balcony calmed me,
I wasn't having a panic attack,
No it was just my friend anxiety,

Anxiety and I met when I was a mere 10 years old,
I never liked her, no one could,
And she wasn't just my friend but rather everyone's,
She was like one of those toxic people who you could never seem to get rid of,

My thoughts came to a halt when I heard a rooster cluck,
It was an odd hour for a rooster to cluck,
It was 3 am,
But then again who knows maybe I heard something else and mistook it for a cluck,

I could hear my school mates voices in my head, Strange old crazy Sabene, day dreaming are we,
They never said it to my face, they were scared to,
After all I was taller than them by a foot,
But I could feel the judgement in their eyes,

But alas, they would never understand me, I had lost my father,
To them it was so what, there were other girls in my school who had lost their fathers and they were fine,
What they failed to understand was that our situations were different,
Those girls were sheltered from problems, had familial support,

Imagine this waking up one day,
all excited for the school trip,
Only to find your Aunt's husband at the gate,
With a crane,
Threatening to shatter your House's wall,

Life for me was like that,
I was happy, that wasn't acceptable, que exhibit A,
It was like this for years and then I decided you know what,
I won't get attached to anything so the universe can't take anything away from me

I died the day I met you,
the devil in disguise,
Black hair, brown eyes, mid 40’s,
I did everything I could to make you like me or at least be civil,
You yelled at me when I told you I didn’t know fractions,
You yelled at me when I told you that I didn’t know how to find absolute values,
I was new in this school,
You could’ve been nice,
But no you chose to yell,
I remember crying for six hours when I came home because you were so mean,
I don’t want your apologies now,
I just want to know, why,
Why did you make me your target?
Why did you a woman in her forties think it was okay to bully a ten year old?

How strange is it, that in a world where people are repelled by the very essence of a storm,
I feel welcomed by lightning,
Why is it that my eleven year old classmates screamed at the sound of lightning?
Fear lingered in each scream of theirs yet my heart felt warm, welcomed.

It was as if I was the leader and the storm my armada,
It besieges me with its roaring and I summon to its call,
Two days ago, it did the same and while my neighbors children ran inside,
I walked outside to hear the lightning thrash, its rumble, a sweet melody to my soul.

I sometimes feel as if I have power inside me, a power that I cannot harvest.
I feel it singing to my heart in the saddest of times, repairing the cracks and edges,
And in the most joyous of occasions, bringing a joy that though great does not last for eternity
It seems to me that that power has a mind of its own and it knows when and where to appear but
That when the storm calls to it, it submissively appears.

It never answers to the sound or smell of rain, it always answers to the lightning,
It doesn’t answer to the bluest of sky but rather the ashiest-grayest sky.
It makes me wonder, if the power is fire, not human fire, but rather fire of the soul
And to the storm, I shall wait for your next call.

THE FEAR OF JUDGEMENT, PANIC AND WORRY SETTLE IN,
AS THE SUN FADES INTO CLOUDS,
NAY IT IS NOT SETTING,
BUT MERELY IT IS GOING AWAY SO THAT THE RAIN MAY COME,
BUT MY PANIC IS NOT FROM THE SUN GOING AWAY,
IT IS FROM THE FACT THAT I DECIDED TO SHARE MY LOVE FOR MAKING VIDEOS WITH THE WORLD,
IT IS THE FEAR OF BEING JUDGED THAT HAS TAKEN OVER ME,
IT WAS MY FRIEND’S IDEA,
SHE SAID YOU MAKE GREAT VIDEOS AND I THINK YOU COULD GO VIRAL,
BUT WHAT IS THE PRICE OF GOING VIRAL,
IS IT YOUR MENTAL OR EMOTIONAL HEALTH,
WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WILL BE THERE,
WILL THEY BE KIND LIKE THE ONE’S WHO LIKED AND REPLIED TO MY COMMENTS ON OTHER CREATORS VIDEOS,
OR WILL THEY BE MEAN AND CRUEL HEARTED,
ONE CAN ONLY WAIT AND SEE IF THE STORM MEETS YOU OR THE RAINBOW

You requested to follow me,
You were in your forties,
I was fifteen,
I ask you why you requested to follow me,

You say we can be friends,
I say shame on you,
You say you don't have friends?
I ask you to stop, your behavior is inappropriate,

I am sure I am not the first girl you have done this to,
and I know that I will not be the last,
but Let me tell you this,
I am not like those girls,

I am not one of those innocent and bubbly girls,
you can not groom me and when you try,I call you out on it,
You say you respect me,
then you try it again,

You say everyone is a stranger until they talk,
you and others complain what's wrong with our society,
well let me tell you,
You are what is wrong with the society,

And sadly, our justice system has failed us,
Creeps like you, wander free,
Ready for your next victim

I am 104 kg and 6ft,
I constantly hear “You should lose some weight”
What do you think I am trying to do, I stopped eating processed foods, went on walks and was happy my weight stabilized,
then you had to run your ******* mouth

What is it about you?
Why can't you mind your own business?
Why is it that you find it okay to imply to my mother that my dressing is inappropriate, just because I wasn't wearing a duppatta

You judge my clothes,
Are you bothered by the fact that I rock both traditional and western clothes?
Are you afraid of the bold moves I make?
Are you afraid that your ladies are no longer under your control?
Let me tell you this, I am no man's Sabene, and I will not back down

Sabene is a phoenix,
her wings, you will never cut
You may burn her with your words,
but from those ashes, she shall rise,
Bolder, Braver and Freer than ever.

Broken, shattered, dreamer,
Those are the words, I would use to describe me,
My smiles are fake,
It’s just so easy to fool people

You know how it feels to listen to everyone’s problems and be their sponge,
When no one is there for you,
Who’s my sponge?

I have two great friends and I love them,
But sometimes even with them, I feel lonely,
They share their problems with me, whether it be relationship drama or family drama,
But unfortunately the same can’t be said for me,

Our lives are worlds apart, while she worries gets mad at her boyfriend for not answering her call,
I wonder if I’ll lose the house I grew up in,
I have dealt with fake people my entire life,
People who, if you placed two plates in front of, along with a hungry child,
Would eat one plate and save the other for later, rather than to give it to the hungry child
The worst part of it, they were family, people I thought I could trust
Greed truly destroys those you hold dearest.