Sit still,
Listen closely.
Try hard not to be heard or seen.
Instead, wait for the appropriate time to explain how your body isn't your body.
Left your right arm and watch it drop.
Move it fast in front of your eyes to double-check that you are, in fact, not ok.
Sit back down and hope it passes faster this time.
When it's over,
Know it's never really ever going to be over.

I watch you love her from the sidelines.
Waiting for my chance to come over and stop it all.
Nothing ever comes out of my mouth in time.
She leans over to kiss him while I'm trying not to cry.
She doesn't know how much I'm dying standing here.
I pick up a piece of paper hoping this will be my last time begging for someone
To notice me.
The visions in my head get stronger and my heart gets smaller.
The fear grows while the strength not to listen becomes more hopeless.

I wish I could control it.
Not wanting to cry over the little things hoping it will go away.
When will it stop telling me things on repeat.
I tried to listen to the good in life but it's hard when the darkness is screaming in your ears.
Not wanting to burden anyone with my issues but trying to tell the truth at the same time.
Everyone telling me it will be ok and we aren't leaving.
How can I believe all the words when my mind wants to say the opposite.
Do I believe them or my broken mind.
Maybe I don't want to believe it's broken.
Maybe one day my pills will stop this all.
Or maybe I can stop it all.

A son of a cheater,
I saw them all get played.
He used the same moves on the poor women entering his life.
First, gain their trust, then play mind games that way; he’s never in the wrong.
Second, give them what they want, then slowly take it away without noticing.
Third, degrade them but not enough that they will leave on their own,
Enough that they will stay begging for more.
A son of a cheater,
Learn how to cause pain like a hurricane.

Did I ask him for too much?
Was loving me just that hard?
I ask myself wondering why he didn't give me a text every day.
Wondering if he ever cared about me because why wouldn't he let me go In the end.
I gave him everything I had because I thought he was worth it.
I still have all the memories but now the stories are changing.
Now I look back and notice all the things he never did for me.
Did I ask for too much or was I not worth it?

The light grows brighter,
When the darkness starts to fade.
Hold on for another day,
I will hold you tight until the sun rises.

My window
I look outside the same window,
Wondering if anything will change.
Will the flowers finally grow today?
I look at it one time, seeing the snowfall on the ground.
Realizing the start of winter finally happened.
I closed my eyes for a minute, and the snow was gone again.
It all started with a little sadness but ended back with summer nights.
We take four seasons for Granted.
One day everything will be different.
There will be no going back.
Today I looked outside my window one more time.

I look up at the stars every time hoping one day I will see him waving back at me.
It's been almost two years since his last goodbye.
It doesn't mean my love for him is lost,
The memories still stayed.
My heart still stings,
I wish he didn't have to go.

I love you.
I often said the words, but I still got the same nervousness as the first time.
Wondering if one day the word will mean something, Different then, I see your life mixed in with mine.
If this were a book, I would read it every night until all the words were memorized front to back.
I hope this is my last beginning to a forever person.
I love you until I find a word only meant for us.

Did I go too far this time?
Maybe I loved her, and that was the issue.
They never tell you about loving someone that doesn't even notice that you are right in front of them.
I did everything for her to notice me.
I was the person she always wanted, and that's when I went too far.
I should have never tried to get her attention.
Now I'm back at the starting line.
No one noticed that I left; none ever cared that I disappeared.
Did I go too far this time?
That depends on what side of the story you read.

What happens to forever?
I always saw you in my future, but that's what I get for dreaming too big.
I thought we would end up together in the end.
Now I'm watching on the sideline as you live out the moments without me next to you.
I know I'm the one that called us off,
Thinking you would fight for us.
If you showed me anything, I would have stayed.
My love didn't run out,
Only the patience I had begging for attention.
I would have stayed in your arms if you had given me something.
I would drop everything to be back with you.
That shows all I wanted was the bare minimum.
You couldn't even give me that.

Her body was used as charity.
They used her heart up until there was no more love to have.
The arms were used to as an extra hand to do the work no else dared to do.
Her mouth was only there to agree with those who hated hearing no.
They used the feet to walk all the miles everyone dreaded to even think about.
Her body was used as a overwork Machine that no dared to stop after it was finished with the Days work.
No one even thanked her all they did was tell what was next.

My life became a mess.
I started to love darkness more than the light.
It made me feel safer knowing soon all the stress would be gone.
I know that living isn't just surviving.
It's wanting to wake up to do something new.
To wanting to see the future not run from it.
I don't know if I was running but I was so used to not living I didn't see the reason to keep going.
To want to be happy because I didn't see a point in it.
A point to go to the light vs deep deep dark.

I wish he could see himself through her younger eyes.
How broken his little girl was from the words he used as bullets.
Hoping to be invisible in his eyes,
Then he couldn't hurt her with his twistest phases.
All she wanted was her father's approval.
When she came out, the bond was broken.

I used to be afraid of the unknown,
Never knowing who will leave at the first sign of darkness.
Scared, the man I set my heart on would slowly have enough.
I used to be afraid of hurting those close to me,
Now I let them in at the times when it's the most important.
I'm not afraid of the future,
only shutting those who I love.

Luisina.
Where did she go?
I only see her in my dreams late at night,
When everyone is gone.
What if she is make believe?
My mind is on over drive trying to find her.
The thoughts are talking over that she won't back to say goodbye.
I want to hold her one more night.
To tell her"I love you Luisina".
Before she disappears on me.
I think it's too late.
My love won't leave like she did.

How can he dislike everyone but act happy all the time?
The smile is always there but means words come across his mouth like a loaded gun.
Always talking about how he wants to leave but stays for some reason.

What if this isn’t worth it.
I should just leave and not come back.
She doesn’t notice me anyway.
I’m just playing in her game.
The smile was fake.

He thought she wanted it to happen.
The smile hid the real feelings because she is too afraid of telling him no.
She would cry it out, believing one day he would care for her,
Instead, he went for someone else.
He said he would stay only to take the first exit out.
If she ever spoke her truth, he would make her think she was crazy.
Now, this girl thinks it's love to be treated this way.
Her first love broke her,
the second made her trust again.

She was broken but hiding it.
Her smile was brighter than the sun,
But her thoughts were darker than the moon.
She was seconds away from going,
The thought of love made her stay.

I like you.
My body is hurting from holding this secret.
Every text message feels like a bullet to my heart.
I see the way you look at other boys, not realizing I notice.
Should I move on Or wait my life away?

I really like you.
I'm too afraid to give my heart up again.
Will you promise not to break me?
Will you let me know when the love is gone in your eyes?
I can't watch you fall out of love.
Just to turn around and feel that way with someone else more then you ever did with me.
It's ok to leave,
Don't go without a word please.

My little heart flutters with butterflies.
It's the way he smiles at me and makes me feel special.
This time it will be different, or that's what I tell myself.
I'm not worried about falling, only for the after the mess of it all.
My little heart flutters with butterflies while my mind worries about how to prepare for the last goodbye.

I can't get enough even if I try.
I always want to know more about her.
It's like having a friend that has secrets and all you're dying to know it.
I'm afraid one day she is going to say that I'm too much.
That I'm annoying her with all my messages.
I guess I never had someone like her in my life.
Someone that is there all the time and won't hesitate to fight your demons.
I hope she knows I would do the same

It’s not that I want to leave,
but how much it hurts to see her not in my arms.
Her smile starts to fade when I leave.
I wish she knew how hard I would fight for us to be
I may be 5,875 miles away,
I would walk that to see her once again.
It’s not that I want to leave.
It’s hard to miss someone who you ever had.

I hope one day I can smile when thinking of her.
I know that day was darker than a sky with no stars.
I didn't want break your heart in to a thousand pieces,
only wanted to smile again.
The way to that was to leave you behind.
I kept the memories but that's all I can take.
A little part of me still loves you but not enough to fight for something that was already lost.
I hope one day I can smile again when thinking of you.

He never understood how a smile could hide,
A world was full of a terrible past.
He tried his hardest to love her, but it was too much in the end.
She didn't understand why it was her fault for loving too hard,
When growing up, that's all she ever knew.
She tried her hardest to move on, but it was too much to carry on her own.

I spent too long in pain.
I am trying pill after pill to silence myself.
Afraid I would lose the battle of living.
I got close too many times,
With only a glimmer of hope left.
I tried the final option,
Which gave me the strength to get better.

I loved him I really did,
I thought what he showed me was everything I ever needed.
Until I opened my eyes and was back in reality,
Begging for a text back, but it never came.
I made excuses for him thinking it would change when summer hit.
I loved him I really did,
Hoping one day, he would turn into my perfect man.
I wished I never went back to reality because now I’m heartbroken.
Now I want to start all over with someone new.
I loved him until I saw how much I really meant to him.
How could he love me when he acted this way?

I wish my life was a fairy tale so you would be right next to me.
I wish my life was a fairy tale so I could finally have a princess sitting next to me.
I wish my life was a fairy tale,
Then maybe all the bad would disappear.
Disappear from everything that made me wish for a different life.
I wish my life was a fairy tale so then everything could be happiely ever after once again

He never loved anyone like his first love.
Plays girls not to be broken again,
Which means hurting everyone to save himself.
Tells girls he likes them then Throws it all away after a hook up.
He see's nothing wrong with what he's doing not understand how many girls hearts are hurting each night.
His smile hides the truth,
The tears that happen the next day revalue what was missing.
Here comes the new girl that won't know what's coming her way

I fear the day you date.
No girl will trust me.
I wouldn’t trust me.
I was texting every day with no response, not afraid of regret.
It’s ok I get it,
Pick her.
I will wait.

I'm scared, not knowing what to expect,
I trust with everything that's inside of my twisted heart.
Trying to erase half the love styles I saw growing up.
When he says he loves me,
Is that all of me or just parts that he wants to believe?
I'm scared he will not understand the truth when it comes out.
I want him to hold me tighter instead of letting go.

Fall for me,
I beg at night while I watch his eyes wander.
Wondering why I'm not getting his attention.
Knowing I will always be the second choice waiting to be picked.
Today he forgot about all the little lies and heartbreak that came from his mouth.
I put on a smile and pretended that he really did change.
Knowing that it's an act that will last a day.

They said it was a simple mistake.
Hiding the Scaring words behind a steel door.
Wishing one day the secrets will be let free.
Hoping they see the damage that was left behind by their broken love.

I'm still mad.
I wanted you to call me your son.
I was hoping you would finally come around.
I thought I would be the son you always wanted.
Instead, you call me your daughter when I'm not that anymore.
How can you not see how much you have hurt me?
Why can't I be good enough to be loved for being myself?
You said you love all your children, But does that include me?

Wind
It's soft but mysterious like everyone I know.
It's the sound of storms coming to an end or just beginning.
It's the warning of leave now or waits until hell comes.
I love storms. I think it all started when I was watching it with my older sister.
We would sit on the couches and look at the windows for almost an hour.
That was all before I knew how bad storms could get.
The fighting/ the yelling. The wishing to be in another place type of storm.
When I finally hear the soft sounds, I know it's finally over.
I leave my room and look out to see what the storm has destroyed.
Usually, it's only a few tears are gone,
On bad days the whole town is scared of living there homes.
Not wanting to pick up the pieces.
I wonder when I stop loving looking out the window.
I wonder why storms started to get so bad.
I remember this one night I was still a kid, and the biggest storm I ever saw happen.
All the things I loved got washed away, and then I knew it was time to grow up.
I kept waiting and waiting for the sound of the wind to come by.
But it ever came. All I could hear was the raindrops hitting every crack in the house.
The lighting was getting bigger than cars at this point.
I hid in my room and just waited for the sun to shine again.
It felt like days passed when I Could see the flowers blowing in the wind.
I still think back to this day and wonder why it took so long to pass.
No one remembers these days, so was it all to make them believe?
Was my mind trying to hide me from reality?
Maybe something happened that was worse than the storm in my head.
I look around and hope that the sky stays clear.
Once in a while, when I visit my old town, I can still hear the wind blowing.
Either tell me happiness is coming or run far away and don't look back.

When his hands are on mine, I slowly melt in the arms around me.
My voice starts to fade, He holds me tighter to reassure me I'm safe.
When his hands are on mine, I feel the time has paused.
He brings out a part of me that I hid away afraid of getting hurt again.

The lost love,
Hidden between secret friend's ships.
Holding on to the memories before it turns into long-lost tales.
Before her heart is gone forever, Always remember my love will never fade.
In the end, my heart was made for you.

If love was a book,
It would come in many forms.
Starting as the tales, we read at night to chapter books that take months to read.
If love was a book,
I would read it over and over, never wanting to stop hoping it would come true.
Dreaming of the day when I no longer have to read to figure out what it means.
If love was a book,
I would hope I was secretly reading about you.

He is my movie, my book, my music.
The entertainment keeps me distracted when I wish upon it the most.
He makes me feel loved for all parts of myself, even those people who told me I should change.
When I say I feel safe with him, he makes me feel ways that I haven't felt in a long time.
He brings back memories that I have forgotten existed.
He is everything I dreamed of, and when I say I love him, I mean I will fight for him no matter what.
We are not perfect, but he is ideal for me.

I liked you.
I never wanted it to end like this.
Please come back and tell me I’m worth something to you.

This is my final goodbye
Keep all the messed up memories and the fake I love yous.
The pretending to know me only to leave me days later.
My heart had a lock on it that only opened for you.
Now it's locked up once more.
I thought I was too much,
I thought it was my fault.
I learned true love doesn't end like this.

Battle
I was only 17 when my battle started.
Thoughts filled with horror,
Long nights of fear.
I tried pill after pill to fix my issue,
Finally, two and half years later, I was free.
The day I tried my ADHD meds,
It was the day I could finally breathe again.
I’m sorry for leaving,
It was finally time to move on.
I will miss the feel of comfort,
But not the misery that came with it.

I won at last.
In a week, my past is gone.
I get to start over finally,
I will smile bigger than ever.
I will cry from happiness,
And smile until the sun goes down.
In a week, I will be me more than ever.

Freeze.
I stand still, waiting for a single whisper.
If I move,
Will everything good disappear?
Holding onto the memories that help me stay quite
Wondering if this moment will ever pass.

I woke up wondering what happened to us.
Sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring,
Hours pass, and no text messages are sent.
I remember when we stayed up all night chatting until the sun came up.
Picturing what our futures hold,
Now all I see is empty memories of what could have been.

He was my first love,
My first heartbreak.
The only person who could hurt me worse than my self.
He also loved me more than anyone else could.
He was the voice of reason but also brutal.
I gave him everything to be thrown out with nothing.
The worlds I love you forever replay in my head when sitting alone at night.
How could someone love you that much and regret meeting the next??

Stay where you are.
Don't move, or everything will go up in flames.
I wait another minute, hoping this nightmare will go away.
Nothing has changed besides the laughs that turned into wines.
No one knows if we will get out.
Stay where you are, or be ready to fight something you can't see.

I wish he knew how much my heartbeat,
Even if my part of me fears the worst.
Deep down, I’m scared that one day I will wake up, and he’ll be far gone, that I will be left as a fading memory.
One day all the love you could turn into nothing more than words.