My brain feels like something
I am constantly trying to get away from
Unresolved trauma lays
And grey matter doesn’t stay
I’m in pain
A lot of the time
And I can’t stand being alone
Because of this
Distractions keep me occupied
But they don’t allow my issues to get fixed
I tried to go back to therapy
But my doctor hung up on me
And I am alone in the shallow end of the pool
Again
“Just stand up”
Is what I think
Is what I cry
All night
“Just stand up”
Is what everyone tells me
But what they don’t see
Is this pool is full of tar
And while it is shallow
It is drowning me still
It is holding me still
“Just stand up”
Do I create my own problems?
Do I hurt myself?
Am I the only reason that I still feel like this?
“Just stand up”
Molasses
“Just stand up”
A crisis
”Just stand up”
My limbs are numb
“Just stand up”
I stand
And my older brother stares at my naked body like he’s hungry
And I am 7 years old again
I stand
And I can see my father slap my mother across the face
I am 6 years old again
I stand
And I see the boy that manipulated me out of my body like a murderer who says “I love you” before shooting you
If you love me why are you doing this
Why are you violating me
I’m 16 years old again
And no one ever told me that my body was mine
That I could say no to the men who want to hurt me
That not everyone wants to love me the way I want to be
Loved
I stand
I spin
And I’m back down again.

Please love me more than I hate myself.....!💔💔

i miss the feeling of being held
your strong arms around my chest
muscles flexing
grasping around my throat
pulling my ponytail
eyes looking up eager to get rid of this love drought
your fingertips tracing my thighs
hands pinned down while you look me in the eyes
a hard ******
to soothe my craving lust
heart racing faster
breathing increasing
...faster
...faster
...and faster

stop.

like a tsunami of relief
washing over me
ridding me of my misery
all my senses heightened
my vocal chords tightened
let out a scream

Quand je regarde toi je vois le soleil
Et je pense de la lune, ils sont toi et moi
quand l'hiver me laisse brûler
tu ne m'as rien dit, le silence se figea

as-tu fait la lessive
Je me suis allongé dans le panier
Serre moi
comme il la tenait en janvier


Hier il a dansé, je ne l'avais pas vu marcher depuis des années
aujourd hui je n'avais pas de pieds
Je ne sais pas ce que j'ai fait
hier il savait ce que j'ai dit
aujourd'hui j'ai parlé en français cassé

fin

when i look at you i see the sun
and i think of the moon, they are me and you
when winter lets me burn
you didn't say anything to me, the silence froze

did you do the laundry
i layed in the basket
hold me
like he held her in january

yesterday he danced, i had not seen him walk in years
today i have no feet
I do not know what i have done
yesterday he knew what i said
today i spoke in broken french

end