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John White Dec 2018
I'm discouraged
and ashamed of myself
so I binge and binge until
I'm discouraged
and ashamed of myself.
John White Nov 2018
What can I say?
What can I possibly say
That will make any sense?
I am living a lie,
tapping words into my phone
that are selfish
and cruel,
all the while smiling
and being polite.

You have all been so kind.
I wish you could understand
how much you've meant to me.
I love you all
that is why
I feel physically ill
thinking about the pain I'll cause.
Right in the pit of my stomach
I'm crushed.

I see my family soar,
their confidence spellbinding
I love them all so deeply.
Why am I doing this?
Why am I being so hurtful?
Why am I sending them hurling off course?
I can't explain.

It just is.

I am sorry.
I am truly sorry.
When my thoughts are at their darkest I write them down to clear my mind.
John White Nov 2018
Living is not about creating the future
or fixing the past.
It's about opening yourself up
to the possibilities of the moment.
John White Nov 2018
Every day I'm defying death.
Every day I'm more exhausted,
fighting the fight
that never ends.
I'm ashamed of my thoughts;
frightened by their intent.
I just need to hold on
just one more day,
every day
just one more day.
John White Nov 2018
I work alone.
And when the words are finished
and the ink is dry
I put them in a bottle
and throw them out to sea.
John White Nov 2018
Lots of people have helped me
but none have truly healed me.
I guess that's more my failing
than theirs.
They can give me
all the tools in the world,
but if I don't use them
it is my fault I fail.
John White Nov 2018
Today I want you to find a stone,
a small smooth stone
that fits into the palm of your hand.

It's not shiny or colourful.
It doesn't have a professional polish.
You will not find it at the store.
And it's not inside your house.

It's somewhere outside on the ground.
where you walk by everyday
when you are heading to your car
or on your way to the park.

When you spot it, you'll know.
Everyone else sees an ordinary stone
but you see why it's special.

I want you to pick it up
and hold it in your hand,
first with your fingers out flat.
Feel the weight.
You'll know it's just right.

Now close your fingers tight around it.
It should fit perfectly into the space.
No part of it should show,
completely protected in your hand.

There's no need to carve the stone.
There's no need to stretch your hand.
It just fits, perfectly.

Your hand will not grow any bigger.
The stone will not change
its shape or size.
It will always fit,
just as the first day you found it.

Don't ever try to be more of "what I want".
You already are.
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