i need
a safe space
a sanctuary
to shelter
stay in place
watch the madness
from afar
exploding
outside
my window
retreat
to the bedroom
when life
is cruel

feel it
deep in your bones
don’t turn
or run away
accept
surrender
savor it
the pain
despair
of melancholy

above the din
of a yuletide storm

listen carefully
you can hear
a woman
sobbing

she’s
trapped
in an ice cave
a prison
of her own making

in agonizing
isolation
unloved
unknown
wishing
for the warmth
the touch
of another

afraid to love
of being hurt
closing off
her heart
to others

pristine and lovely
is the snowfall
from the queen’s
weeping

who is she
whispering in my ear
reciting tales
and stories  

seducing
then ****** me
with reality
and fantasies

live it
feel it
put it on paper
edit it later

I see the answer
in your eyes

feel it
in your kiss

the hunger
of your heart

the aching
of your soul

the longing
to be loved

what is it
you truly
seek
want
desire
from life

the dumb luck
of ***** meets egg
that made you
flesh and blood

self aware
conscious
of the brevity
of life
and the finality
of death

like a match
temporarily
lighting
keeping
the darkness
at bay

only to be
swallowed up
devouring
all that was created
when extinguished

you are
the bright star
in a dark sky
guiding me

to you

the sun lingers
low
on the horizon
the sky
a patch work
of oranges
and iridescent purples

softly bluing
into black
darkness envelopes
stars light
flicker
twinkling
throughout the night

i feel it now
the loneliness
the yearning
for companionship

to hold and be held
safe and snug
in a loving embrace
of another

do you feel it
when we dance
in a closed embrace
the way I hold you
our bodies
as they move
saying so much
with so few words

do you feel it
when we dance
in a closed embrace
the heat of my body
softness of my breath
the way I hold you
delicate and gentle
my touch
says so much

The moment
you voluntarily
unconditionally
surrender
to fate
like a dried leaf
falling
to the ground
on a windy day
all your fears
worries
will vanish
and disappear

happiness
is not the point
to life
but a byproduct
of consciousness

the pursuit of happiness
is a construct
of the disenfranchised
believing they’re entitled
to more meaning
from existence

brief moments of joy
strung together
to form an illusion
of contentment

are merely distractions
from the pain and suffering
of the human condition

i feel it
when you’re away

an absences
a yearning
deep in my soul

if god is not dead
then indifferent
to the human condition
as prayers are unanswered

the only difference
is how you behave
to love and cherish
and not hurt or hate

you feel so much
so deep
soul of a cello
so vulnerable to love
and hate

pyrrhic is this victory
love replaced with hate
you stood on a plinth
now lay in a grave
earth kisses sky
rage & wrath
of lightning & thunder
when breaking hearts
clash & collide

0 & 1 is 1                my
1 & 1 is 2                love
2 & 1 is 3                for
3 & 2 is 5                you
5 & 3 is 8                is
8 & 5 is 13              eternal
13 & 8 is 21            boundless
21 & 13 is 34          immeasurable
34 & 21 is 55          limitless
55 & 34 is 89          incalculable
89 & 55 is 144        unconditional
∞                             ad infinitum

you’re a bag
a bent

a mind bending
addiction

i can’t stop
resist
or shake

i crave
hurt
need more

when spun
smokin rain
craving you

when you touch me
ever so slightly

fingers caressing
lingering

I ache
to the core

for slow kisses
brightly colored skittles
and marshmallow bunnies

you make me wet
crazy

thizzing
on X

i can’t get enough
of you

late at night
alone
in the glow
of a candle
pen in hand
a muse
whispers
recites
a litany
of emotions
spilled
blotted
staining paper
redacted
through a stream
of tears

am i
in love

is this
what love
feels like

euphoric highs
suicidal lows

suffering withdrawal
anguish

craving you
like a drug

when you
are gone

elated
calm

only
when you’re here

and i’m in your arms

poetry
is the realm
of intellectual
and emotional
aristocracy

forgive me
for my hubris
and folly
if you think this
a fallacy

early bluing
of an autumn sky
nip and chill
of a countryside

as seasons turn
things remembered
nostalgic
for a summer
lost in time

basking in the glow
of a fire
and the warmth
of a lover

snuggled deep
in each other

finding love
and shelter
between heartbeats
and whispers

I write about love & life
while others live & love

lonely girl
eating alone
in a corner
never looking up
from her book
wearing jeans
flip flops
and a sweater

you fascinate me
sitting there
oblivious
to your surroundings
a tourist
in my world

to approach
and talk
are you
a character
in my diary
or something more

i missed the moment
will never know
you paid the waiter
closed your book
met my eyes
smiled
turned
and disappeared

your touch
slow gentle tender
soothes
chases away
my fears worries anxieties
i am safe
to sleep
dream
love
give myself
to you

desperately clinging
to a false sense
normalcy and acceptance
i seeked validation
in romantic relationships
when all that i cherish
has been taken away
i realize
that i’ve aged out
and lost my identity
stripped of purpose
and meaning
I don’t see any hope
or reason for being
i find solace
in addiction
i realized i’ve lost
and surrendering
accepting the fact
and letting myself slide
into another depression

living on death row
sequestered in a cell
never dreaming
no more hoping
living between tests
and a doctor’s stethoscope
a positive result
and i am
a dead man walking

all and everything burns around us
a wall of flames consuming the world
a personal hell projected into reality
a final reckoning for our collective sins
none are absolved not even the innocent
an angel’s dream the beginning of the end
overwhelmed wrung out by the quotidian
too tired to fight too tired to care
we lay down and wait our turn to die

as a child i was frighten, as an adult, i am weary when i walk the forest’s edge, a real and imaginary line between night and day, light and dark, life and death, the delineation of my tamed civilized world, and the chaos of the savage wilds.

i remember walking along the edge as a child, holding my mother’s hand, looking into the darkness, hoping to see something magical, to justify my fears, dismiss my suspicions, anything to alleviate the mundane, monotonous, insipidness of my bleak, desolate quotidian life.

i imagined mythical creatures in the forest, with the thrill and horror of an occasional siting of a real wolf trotting along the tree line, stopping at the site of me, making eye contact for a moment before slipping back into the darkness of the forest, feeling like prey, a rabbit in the middle of a meadow, hyper vigilant, knowing death is an instant away

meaning is a myth, reality an illusion
resigning to the black inescapable fatalism
accepting one’s fate is predetermined
or worse yet, accidental and serendipitous

we all know our end, the end is coming
our life, consciousness finite and limited
the moment when the light extinguishes
and we cease to exist

I just wanted
to be close to you
any excuse
to touch
press against you
feel the heat
from your body
smell your scent
taste your lips
reassuring soothing
melting away
my anxiety
hear your voice
feel your breath
warm and soft
against my neck
sending shivers
up my spine
wishing desperately
you’d kiss me
that night
on the dance floor
at the house of blues

i envy them
the young
their beauty
naitivity
effervescences
oblivious
of what’s to come

i envy them
but not their futures
the catastrophe
and horrors
oblivious
of what’s to come

journaling of emotions?
    expressions of the heart?
        externalizing of thougts
            cathartic musing
                a rorschach test
                    therapy?
                        art?

the black box
called the mind
a byproduct
of physiology
dreams of love
a phantasm
of the heart
so two
can become
one

it doesn’t exist
it’s a creation
of a black box
called your mind
absurd insane
pareidolia of the eye
seeing factuals
hoping there is order
terrified of the nothingness
pleading for grace
from a divine

youth ephemeral fleeting
only blooms during spring
attracts lovers in summer
fades in the gentleness of fall
dies in the icy blue of winter

this fairy tale
called love
is an illusion
a distraction
a respite
from the brutality
of the human condition

the last dawn
never ending
eternal
everlasting
sleep of a mortal

a sand mandala
drawn then destroyed
who will remember
once you’re gone

the sun sets
for the last time
Horus closes
his eyes

as you slowly
die

the deeper you go
fewer will follow

the deeper you go
words are profound

the deeper you go
the truth is closer

the deeper you go
the soul is found

existential crisis
extinct or extant
what comes next
remember snow
how about clouds
the IPCC says
it’s too late
we’re past
the point of no return
children cry
now it’s time
for all to die

i hate laying in bed
hearing my heartbeat
reminding me
of my mortality
and how few beats
i have left

you’re beautiful
but not useful
conceited and vain
an Instagram princess
a scarecrow
without a brain

what does it all mean
this blank canvas you gave me
what do i do
with these paints and brushes
with no instructions or directions

damaged
put away

like a used toy
discarded

forgotten
in a dark closet

desperate
hoping praying

to love
and be loved

i didn’t keep the gift
you gave me
the fairy tale yarn
you’d spun
i threw it away
when I woke
to the reality
that you’d left
shattering my heart
extinguishing my soul

you are a siren enchanting mesmerizing
beckoning calling daring me to approach
when you sing no man can resist
like a fool i jumped from the of my ship
swam an ocean of lustful emotions
reached the beach beheld your presences
approached kissed your lips
knowing on a whim death was certain

your breath
is tender
a caress
surrounding
enveloping me

i ache
when you are gone
wistful
longing for another

i saw her
from across the room
wrote her script
from start to finish
which she never read
or auditioned

i never approached
instead
walked away
afraid
of rejection

more comfortable
in isolation
and loneliness
but craving
her attention

rehearsing tragedy
sucker punched
by reality
wanting change
from living in pain

afraid to live
scared to die
all i want to do
is cry

a broken heart
the first of many

a broken heart
one of many

a broken heart
another of many

a broken heart
the last of many