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Sin Sep 2018
I found true love,
not in another heartbeat

But in the way the stars and moon contrast against the midnight sky

the smell of pine trees and damp dirt
On a rainy day

The sound of birds chirping in the early morning

The way the waves of the ocean reflect the light of the stars on a lonely night

The crows on the telephone lines
Because although they are plain
There are times when less is more
And there's beauty in simplicity

The setting sun,
Because the swirling pinks, oranges, purples and yellows
Remind you of a sorbet,
And sorbets remind you of the times when you used to go out as a family for ice cream

The late night car rides with people you no longer know
But it doesn't matter because everyone's laughing and smiling,
And at that moment everything feels right
All troubles and worries exhaled with the smoke
And nobody cares if they died tonight

The silence at two in the morning when everything is still,
And you're dancing in the middle of the empty road
Because the night is yours and for the first time,
in a long time
You don't want to die

I found true love,
Not in another heartbeat
But in the idea,
That there is more
to this life.
Sin Sep 2018
BFF
We were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could touch us

Invincible as we ran through the field at recess
We swore we were the
Fastest
The quickest

We grew up together?
No.
we grew apart together.

held hands with my best friends
In 6th grade
Making a pact that neither of us would do drugs

But it's three in the morning
And I'm smoking my second bowl at the beach.

Traded my Capri sun for a cup of lean

We run from the cops because we still swear we're the
Fastest

The quickest

We still think we're untouchable

Even as we walk through these halls sleep deprived

Nobody knows what happened last night

We wish we didn't know what happened that night

We refuse to acknowledge the events of that night

We won't even manage to look at each other in the eye

When they ask who's at fault
We repeat
Not I
Not I

So what does this mean for us?

Is this what we were so excited for?
Is this the moment we were so impatient for?

I couldn't wait to grow up

Now we're in the bathroom throwing up

These drugs we refuse to give up

I'm lost in a life that I was not prepared for

It's not like I didn't have a plan

In fact,

We had a plan

V was going to be a teacher
J was was going to be a fire fighter
N was going to be a power ranger
don't know how but we were five and everything seemed possible

And I
well
I wanted to change the world

But you know things happen

People change

V is having a baby
J is moving dope
N is six feet under

And I?
Well,
I'm trying really hard to keep it together

after that night we were just not the same

We lost ourselves
Just not the memory of that night
Unfortunately

Some parts I remember more  vividly

My skin feels *****
Just remembering

I know you felt guilty
And I have to admit that
For a long time
I hated all of you

But never as much as I hated myself
For losing control

For not finding the words to say
No

For thinking that maybe,

That maybe if I drank enough
I could drown the voices in my head telling me to **** myself

I wasn't satisfied with my life
I'm still not satisfied with my life
No matter how much alcohol I drink
No matter how much I fill my lungs with smoke
It won't ever fill this empty void.

Everyone was laughing and dancing downstairs.

But I felt sick.

He said he would help me feel better.

He was my friend.

My body felt heavy I just wanted to lie down.

I could smell the tequila on his breath as he whispered

"Trust me".

I closed my eyes in hopes that he would stop.

He said
"Don't worry, I've done this before"

My voice was gone
I stayed there in silence

He left to the bathroom
I left his bedroom
Stumbling
Crying

He almost got what he wanted
And nobody helped me

Instead,
We tried pretending that nothing had happened

We all blamed each other

Best friends forever
But
No longer together

I'm done pretending that nothing happened
I'm done making up excuses as to why I freeze up when I'm touched at times
I'm done staying quiet

But I want you to know that
I'm done being angry
It wasn't your fault
I shouldn't have blamed you

And despite everything,
I forgive him too.

I remember back when were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could ever touch us.

Back when we were

invincible.
Sin Sep 2018
I wonder if he cried this hard.

Hard enough to be heard if you were really listening.

But soft enough to be dismissed completely if you weren't paying  attention.  

I wonder if he felt his chest rip apart as he imagined his mothers face as she walked into her sons room to see him dead.

I wonder if he replayed every little thing that lead to his death.

I wonder if he tried to scream out for help.

I wonder if he threw everything on the floor of his room in desperation.

I wonder if he was angry?

I wonder if anyone knew

I wonder if they were listening

I wonder
if
you
are listening?
Sin Sep 2018
M
I remember the first time I saw you

On that stage

You stood

You opened your mouth and the words flowed with such grace

I was left in awe

Mesmerized

It was as if those words were only meant for you to speak them

I wanted to know you
To touch you

See what was behind the person you showed the world

I observed the way you carried yourself
And wondered how someone so hurt could carry themselves with such confidence

You asked me if I ever had my heart broken

and I told you the story of the stupid boy who ****** me over
Not knowing that, that wasn't even close to the heartbreak I feel right now

Heartbreak is knowing that we could have been so ******* great
But you were too scared to let me in
And I was too scared of commitment

I'm not one to write about relationships and ex's but you had me writing ****** love poems about

you.

You taught me things I will take with me forever
And for that
I thank you

Sitting on your porch getting high in hopes that maybe we wouldn't feel this ******* low but here we are

Your face imprinted in my mind
I wished to have made you mine
But my mom says God works in mysterious ways
And maybe we just weren't meant to be
But I sure as hell had a good time

****** decisions
****** pick up lines
****** thoughts

Such a beautiful mind
Such a beautiful soul

In a blink of an eye
you were gone

I wish I knew that would be the last time I'd see you in person

Maybe I could have done more
Maybe I could have said something

It's not like you're dead so why am I mourning something that didn't exist?

I didn't hit up anyone "like it was nothing"
You were in the back of my mind
The whole time

But

you had me feeling like there was no space for me in yours

Had me believing that you simply didn't
give
a
****

And now it's late at night and we're having a conversation about things that should have been said before

But I guess it's easier this way
We won't be smoking on your porch anymore

There is more to life than this hurt that you feel
And as time passes I'm sure you'll forget my name
I'll always have love for you
Although I'm not in love with you

I'm just not ready for love and to be honest
I never was.

Don't be scared to let someone in
It just maybe wasn't really meant to be

For us.

— The End —