I want you to stay
But I also want you to leave
You said it was better for you
It was better for me
But how can I see
When love is blind
I can only walk through walls
When you're by my side.

One Christmas Eve
when I was four years old
I climbed into my bunk bed
shivering from the cold.
Anxious for Santa to come
I asked my sister if I could
crawl in her bed.
I laid on the opposite side
and lifted up my head.
Surprising my little heart
outside my window not so far.
Something I only thought was
in the Bible but there was
the shining Christmas star.
Shimmering brightly
outside my window
I watched it glitter
and I watched it glow.
It stayed there all night
on that night of December.
It was so cool to me
and I will always remember.

It wasn’t my choice to come
I wish I had better things to do.
But I did not want to leave.
You almost lead me to the altar.
I asked where is the sacrifice.
I should have asked who are we sacrificing to
I did not see the knife held behind your back
That was about to be plunged into my back.
All I saw was a type of smile
That seemed out of place.
I just turned
And saw a quick motion
I thought it was a helping hand.
But it was more sinister than that.

At first, all I felt is pain
That I could not remove
That I could not reach
That I felt, I could not endure.
You were gone.
Made one excuse or another
That I had stopped believing long before this day.
You were gone
And left me alone
Not even on the altar
Just alone.
You had wanted me to come with you
As you were leaving
But no one is that beautiful.
And at the end, you thought everyone was more worthy.
All you left me was this open wound.
This wound, that was not yet behind me.
But you were gone
And as I freed the knife behind my back
I also felt free
Because you were gone.