I would have told you of how there are seas beneath this skin, how there's a storm inside that never ends, how despite it all there's a light within me that never goes out.  

Of how the ocean whispers in my ears as the voices submerge, how I'm put together by broken promises and shattered dreams, how I've drowned in alcohol for nights just to forget.

Of how I balance these fragile smiles amidst the pain, how I've mastered the way to make tear stains on my face disappear by morning, how I wanted to never wake up from that night with you.

Of how you took me home,
but wouldn't be home for me.

(A.H.Z)

i lost and i
love you,
still

the days are
mere seconds,
we are only the
echo of heartbeats

there are silences and
then there is silence,
i have a smile made
for the show

waltz through the steps
rehearse every line -

in these faces i
am only looking
for you

(A.H.Z)

we had coffee stains on our faces and grass on our arms, sugar breath drifting over the small space between us. you were the last remnants of sunlight and a beaming smile in the shape of a waning crescent; a sunrise in the evening. laughter like the tinkling of wind chimes echoing back and forth, the smell of petrichor and innocence.

i want you to remember me like this; golden haired, bright eyed and curious, as soft as the day we first met. in my dreams you are still there, we are still in love. our hands are together, the sunlight is still warm.

"don't be afraid," the past you whispers, "i am here."
your arms are around me, and outside the storm rages on.

-

"you never actually forget your first love, y'know? even if they leave you, you don't forget."

my eyes are closed, a ghost of a smile on my face.

"i know."

(A.H.Z)

if concealing means forgetting,
I will make myself invisible;
translucent in emotion,
audible to the voiceless,
the shadows glide amongst us

the candle flickers with each breath
and i take my year with pride,
practiced steps in phantom bodies
each inhale is hollow; sometimes
I even forget to breathe

smile cracking, teeth shattering
the moments are fleeting;
how you whispered words
but as always the silence
is louder than the noise

(A.H.Z)

it moves -
invisible,
almost.

a catalyst after
our own chaos,
I stand in the midst

and the ground
is soft beneath
my feet.

I hear what I cannot see,
feel what you cannot say
the glass rattles,
shatters;

rain smashing against
our hearts -

love was a storm.

(A.H.Z)

i cannot seem to form sentences or coherent paragraphs
anymore. my words crash upon each other like waves, only
to crack and fall apart like the earth under our feet. they
stop and go, start and repeat. you took everything of me but
my trembling hands and so i am left to write, or at least
i try; through brokenness so jarring, pale and numb.

alphabets are meaningless. twenty-six letters do not add up
to the way you make everything better and worse, and this
language cannot solve us; none can. i speak three to your two
and yet there are no phrases or similes or metaphors that come
close; sun, moon, stars and all. i only mourn what we could have
had, the possibilities were infinite and of all the endings, here we are.

when words could still flow, i wrote you letters in your absence;
how of all the people possible, you chose me. how years and months
and days of waiting left us stranded and further from each other than
ever before. but you read and will read none, this is certain now.
perhaps forever is certain too, the skin you left me in is hollow.

i want to tell you so much, but i have forgotten
how to speak. i want to write to you, but i have no way to
tell you everything that matters. i forget to form poetry
and prose. a reverse dementia, in which i forget everything
from the beginning except you. maybe we were meant to break,
humans are fragile beings. i love you. i hate you. i miss you.

words fail me, but i can't forget.

(A.H.Z)

the day i wanted to tell you
everything, the words
were stuck in my throat
and refused to come out;
filling the spaces in my lungs
sunlight in place of cigarette smoke.

eyes shifting
unreadable, flickering.
i am okay as long as i am
with you; a smile, the quiet.
truth slipped through our
fingers; flexing, the sound
of nerves audible and
our silence louder.

the day you left, the sky let the
sunset spill into vermillion hues
watercolour painting and i,
alone -

you never said goodbye
yet here i am still
waiting.

(A.H.Z)