left for the cold wind
the dying embers on my lips still linger
in the distance you created
displayed by the ashes that you used
to paint my face
the last portrait before you embark
through the white layers
of sharp december snow

Through the years of transparent existence, a void of illusion becomes apparent and slowly becomes nothing more than a side-show. The dribbling glimpses of truth fade like the bones of old. No man can create such an indentation in the mold of space and time that the observers at the end of eternity will render their imprint upon the infinite gaian consciousness and body of universal proportions of any significance. Even the earth laughs at such ridiculousness. The ego is a strong bind - it can create maya and attachment to such fantasies easier than a bear can find it's ideal location for a winter hibernation. It's a world of craziness, where nobody knows whats going on.
The man woke up from his deep slumber. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Squinting, he looked around, studying his surroundings and taking mental notes. His thoughts are ***** scribblings on a subway wall. His heart is beating, searching for a band to play in rhythm with. His soul is aching from loneliness and desire. His feet lifelessly surrender their position up on the couch and find the floor, shrieking from the cold of the linoleum. His presence is that of a bird with a broken wing still attempting to fly. He stands up and stares at the ceiling.
The room is small. Four walls of white, one window and one door. The window looks out over the grey city. The door leads into another room - the room most would call a kitchen. In the small room before the kitchen, there is only a couch and a blanket. No lamp. No television. No electricity. No electricity in the entire apartment. The kitchen holds no refrigerator, no oven, no toaster, no pantry. It's called a kitchen because that's what it would be if somebody else was living in the apartment. There are two bananas on the floor along with a box of wheat flake cereal. No milk, no bowl, no spoon. The bananas are almost entirely rotten. The box of cereal is on its side, leaking bits of wheat flake, resembling a dying soldier on a battlefield who's losing all his blood through the wound on his neck rather than a box of the West's favorite morning go-to breakfast.
The man is observing the cracks on the ceiling, along with various stains with no known origin to him. His eyes dart from one corner of the room to another to another to another and back to the first. Spiderwebs. Dust. Decay. A perfect example of life's ability to take care of itself. Biodecomposition. When no one is around to look after a house, over time, Nature will take over it. Vines will grow and overcome the walls. Rain will fall and wear away the roof and general structure. Winds will blow, taking blindshots at the weakened building, eventually cause it to fall. Nothing lasts forever. Everything goes back to where it came from.
The man now steps into the "kitchen", where he begins to study the stains on the ceiling in this room as well. His mind is electric, with no thoughts in the usual sense, but rather just a vague presence of void to help the ceiling stains feel important. He is the space through which everything around him can exist to their fullest potential. After a measureless amount of time, the man walks over to the sad bits of food on the far side of the small room. He picks up one of he bananas and studies it. He feels where it came from. The tropical skies and smells and earth of Costa Rica. There's a little sticker on the banana that says so. Each bit of fruit in the markets nowadays are individually stickered...for prosperity, one can only assume. Though it's best to never assume anything, and instead be open to everything - afterall, anything is possible, at any time. Likelihood and probability are also important factors in the universal constitution of existence. What was the likelihood that this man, when he was a little child, figured he'd be holding a rotten banana from Costa Rica in his hand inside of a kitchenless kitchen? Who knows? The man wouldn't be able to recall his thoughts from early childhood - he barely remembers waking up and experiencing the chilling sensation of early morning linoleum. In any case, everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be, for it wouldn't be if it wasn't meant to be.
He slowly peels open the banana peel to reveal this brown, soft mush of tropical fruit. Just the way he likes it - soft enough to chew with his toothless mouth. He takes his time consuming the fruit, savoring every particle. After a good bit of time, the fruit is gone and all the man is left with is the peel. He takes another good look at the peel, once again imagining where this particular banana came from. Then, in two swift bites, he devours the entire peel - sticker included. He figures the sticker came from Costa Rica as well, and thus must carry that Costa Rican tropical vibe of health and longevity. His eyes then focus on the wheat flake cereal lying next to the other rotting banana. He bends down and picks up the box. The box is upside down when he picks it up and so the cereal spills out all over the area of the "kitchen" floor that seems to be dedicated to eating food. The remaining banana is now covered in wheat cereal.
The man drops the box back onto the floor and takes a seat alongside of it. His fingers hold his face from drooping onto his knees. His knees are keeping his torso from melting onto the floor. He screams with no sound. The pains of existence seep through his hollow eyes and into the receptors of his soul. He screams with no sound. He’s as empty as the American Dream.
The cobwebs are spreading from the corners of the room and are aimed for the human form sitting in the “kitchen” screaming silence with all his might. The cobwebs grow. The commuters of the city highway are commuting. A thousand birthday celebrations are being had. A thousand people sexually uninhibited, joyously seizing the moment in disgusting miraculous unity of mortal physical desire. Junkies are roaming the street for their morning fix. Teaching are teaching their students absolute lies. Governments are stealing the lives of billions and counting. And the cobwebs are growing, encompassing entire walls. The the ceiling. Then the floor. Then they crawl up the lifeless legs of the man who sits screaming in silence and the spiders overtake his body. They stitch his mouth shut and close his eyes with their spun proteinaceous spider silk. The man withers into the wind of time and vanishes from the world without a single soul taking notice. Leaving nothing behind except an empty apartment, overdue rent, and a number in the system of Western Society. His spirit cries sorrowfully as it flees the clutches of molecular existence into the realm of eternity and space. Heaven. He made it. He looks down at the people of the world he just left and sings a pitiful song for them. He’ll see them again. Afterall, they are Him. And He is Them. His Heart, the Sun, burns as the world he left turns. The lessons He left are slowly being learned. One by one. But still, there’s a space between the atoms, between the cells. And that space can never disappear. Without it, there would be no point to the story. All would be one, as it is, and there’s be nothing to overcome. No triumph. Just an endless loop of bizarre beautiful experience and pattern.

when i was little,
people used to talk about,
how my hands,
were exactly like yours.

every curve,
every swirl,
even the shape.

my hands were yours,
but mine.

now,
mine are swollen,
from punching the wall.

and yours are cold,
white and frail.

mine are red with life,
and yours are white with death.

*s.m

With one black shadow at its feet,
         The house thro' all the level shines,
Close-latticed to the brooding heat,
         And silent in its dusty vines:
A faint-blue ridge upon the right,
         An empty river-bed before,
         And shallows on a distant shore,
In glaring sand and inlets bright.
                But "Aye Mary," made she moan,
                        And "Aye Mary," night and morn,
                And "Ah," she sang, "to be all alone,
                        To live forgotten, and love forlorn."


She, as her carol sadder grew,
         From brow and ***** slowly down
Thro' rosy taper fingers drew
         Her streaming curls of deepest brown
To left and right, and made appear,
         Still-lighted in a secret shrine,
         Her melancholy eyes divine,
The home of woe without a tear.
                And "Aye Mary," was her moan,
                        "Madonna, sad is night and morn;"
                And "Ah," she sang, "to be all alone,
                        To live forgotten, and love forlorn."


Till all the crimson changed, and past
         Into deep orange o'er the sea,
Low on her knees herself she cast,
         Before Our Lady murmur'd she:
Complaining, "Mother, give me grace
         To help me of my weary load."
         And on the liquid mirror glow'd
The clear perfection of her face.
                "Is this the form," she made her moan,
                        "That won his praises night and morn?"
                And "Ah," she said, "but I wake alone,
                        I sleep forgotten, I wake forlorn."


Nor bird would sing, nor lamb would bleat,
         Nor any cloud would cross the vault,
But day increased from heat to heat,
         On stony drought and steaming salt;
Till now at noon she slept again,
         And seem'd knee-deep in mountain grass,
         And heard her native breezes pass,
And runlets babbling down the glen.
                She breathed in sleep a lower moan,
                        And murmuring, as at night and morn
                She thought, "My spirit is here alone,
                        Walks forgotten, and is forlorn."


Dreaming, she knew it was a dream:
         She felt he was and was not there.
She woke: the babble of the stream
         Fell, and, without, the steady glare
Shrank one sick willow sere and small.
         The river-bed was dusty-white;
         And all the furnace of the light
Struck up against the blinding wall.
                She whisper'd, with a stifled moan
                        More inward than at night or morn,
                "Sweet Mother, let me not here alone
                           Live forgotten and die forlorn."


And, rising, from her ***** drew
         Old letters, breathing of her worth,
For "Love", they said, "must needs be true,
         To what is loveliest upon earth."
An image seem'd to pass the door,
         To look at her with slight, and say,
         "But now thy beauty flows away,
So be alone for evermore."
                "O cruel heart," she changed her tone,
                        "And cruel love, whose end is scorn,
                Is this the end to be left alone,
                        To live forgotten, and die forlorn?"


But sometimes in the falling day
         An image seem'd to pass the door,
To look into her eyes and say,
         "But thou shalt be alone no more."
And flaming downward over all
         From heat to heat the day decreased,
         And slowly rounded to the east
The one black shadow from the wall.
                "The day to night," she made her moan,
                        "The day to night, the night to morn,
                And day and night I am left alone
                        To live forgotten, and love forlorn."


At eve a dry cicala sung,
         There came a sound as of the sea;
Backward the lattice-blind she flung,
         And lean'd upon the balcony.
There all in spaces rosy-bright
         Large Hesper glitter'd on her tears,
         And deepening thro' the silent spheres
Heaven over Heaven rose the night.
                And weeping then she made her moan,
                        "The night comes on that knows not morn,
                When I shall cease to be all alone,
                        To live forgotten, and love forlorn."


                                    *Alfred Lord Tennyson