a female dog,
you

a guy like you doesn't like a girl like me;
ugly, gauche, and consumed by her own darkness
a guy like you deserves to go to different places
a guy like you deserves to meet beautiful, ****, and smart girls
my youth is wilting,
i'm waiting
and,
a guy like you,
a guy like you will never like a wilted youth that was once full of life

to you, John
i wish you all the best things in life
i want you to be happy. always.
dark days are inevitable
but i want you to face them with all your might
i want you to face them with your smile
numbers are going up,
and i hope that doesn't bother you.
happy birthday, John.

What was it that you said?
"I don't want you to be alone and sad."

I am now.
Where are you?
I need you right now.
Right at this moment.
I'm breaking down.
I need to feel that feeling again.
That feeling inside my stomach.
The rapid beating of my heart.
The blush on my cheeks.


This is confusing.

i cannot love
shaking my head
something that i find hilarious
i cannot love
i have nothing to give
empty hands, palms up
nothing there
i cannot love
i don't know how

she put a piece of meat in her mouth
i heard her chewing noise
god, i hate when people do that
it was sunny and people around me were
talking
about things that shouldn't be talked about
then i saw the purée-like meat in her mouth
she swallowed
the sunny side-up egg was next
she repeated the horrifying process


disgusting.

We stared at each other.
I swear I thought the Earth stopped rotating.
I looked at you like you were the only person around and
you looked at me like I'm the most unpleasant human being you've ever seen.
It ended.
The rotation continued.
I glanced at your retreating back.
You never looked back.

trash*
i threw it away
i threw myself away
i had a worth
i was important
i was loved
i was in perfect condition

now*
i'm worthless
i don't deserve a second glance
i'm unloved
i'm broken

horrible moments
for terrible days,

sad faces
for terrible nights,

bad weather
for terrible hearts,

*******! ****!

here lays my soul
rotten, beaten
sadness filled its body
it had one
it was full of life, colour,
happiness
sleep
just sleep

the word fills my vision
mixed with frustration and sadness
lethal combinations
shaky hands and
heart is beating
fastfastfast
i didn't make it

i am embarrassed.
i thought i owed them something.
gotta admit,
i hate when i owe people something.
i don't wanna be disturbed
i don't wanna be a disturbance
i'm trying to steer clear from people
but sometimes,
i just have to approach them, you know?

*******.

i know.
i know.
my future life
without you in it.
you'll be happy.
and i'll try not to break down.
my limbs will become weak,
my soul will be empty,
and my skin will sag...
and you'll still be happy.
i'll die alone and my body will be buried six feet under this soiled Earth.
and you'll still be happy.

i'm inside of my room
the moon is bright out
i tried to start a conversation with him
he didn't want one
i'm disappointed
he doesn't want me
my words are all wrong
they made him angry

i feel unloved
i want to see the moon
i want to see all of it
a super moon
a superhero,
bright and beautiful

nothing like me

I'll be happy.
I hope I'll not die tomorrow.
Or after tomorrow.
After tomorrow.
Then the rest follows.
I'll be happy.
I'll not rely on what others think of me.
I'll be free.
There'll be a smile on my face.
I'll buy a house by the sea.
I'll be happy.
I know I will.

i call him that, but is he really charming?
my ****-stained brain is running so fast
and i want him to stop it.

stupid, stupid girl.
you think that's nice?

he can't save you.
he won't.
he will never save you because you're hopeless.

my face.
oh god, i think satan just poured all the chemicals in my *** and called it a day.

anytime now, aphrodite.

bored to death
cloaked man was bored
he wasn't waiting
he lit up a cigarette
puffed
the smoke filled his vision
this is heaven
and so he puffed once more

I swear I tasted death
when you told me that you were leaving me

I swear I tasted death
when I saw you with her
Looking at her youthful face while you were conversing with each other

I swear I tasted death
When I knew that you couldn't bear with my sadness,
my shattered heart,
and my lifeless soul

I swear,
I swear,
I swear

hi..
it's me.

i hate sushi,
i hate vanilla ice cream,
i hate caviar and oysters.

******-clad lips,
i'm picturing a tall and handsome guy,
with dark blue or green eyes,
brown or ***** blond hair and
smile that can melt a butter as hard as stone,
a body that is too beautiful...
a model.
but is he kind? caring?
maybe he likes girls who are skinny, beautiful...
a size 0 or 2 or 4.

me...it's me.
a size 8 girl who loves to eat.
some tell me i'm thin.
but mom always tell me that i'm not fat...
but not thin either.

i want him to kiss me.
my first kiss...
i don't know.
will it happen?
i want it to...badly.

where will we meet?

my imagination is running.
i'm...desperate.
there. i said it.
i'm...starving.
for attention, for affection.

i'm ugly. i know i am.
i'm not good enough.
i will never be good enough.
i'm not worth it.
i'm not worthy of receiving love.

but if it isn't meant to happen...
then it's not gonna happen.

she was ****** that i snapped at her
i told her sorry, i am concentrating
i didn't tell her that i snapped at her because she's annoying
i got out of the room,
crumpled clothes, pink backpack, messy hair,
and confused mind
did i do well?
why do i even care?
*it's okay. i feel full and i have a bottled water and a can of diet soda. it's okay.

how do people know?
how does she know that he doesn't want her anymore?
how does he know that she was with another man?
all i saw was my reflection.
all i saw was my grotesque face.
i saw my frown.
i didn't see any of his emotions.
his eyes were like a clear glass.

everything fall
s apart
like the crumbs
of a building wilting
flowers
sun dimming
and the eyes are bleak
body pales and the casket is
ready
ready for me

concrete walls
big roof
door
windows
where is home?
where is it?
something someone somebody
in the middle of the road,
shaking,
pleading,

then i found myself.
i'm home.

she tells me to look at these dolls
she tells me to worship them

she screams at me when it's too much
she screams at me when it's wrong
she screams at me

she says that i look hideous
i look like a number 10
when i am a number 8

she tells me to go lower
she tells me that she's my true friend
she tells me that she's the only one who knows understands
i don't know
i scream
i stop
i can't

for revolution,
for attention,
for destroying soul heart body
hands down,
you're great
then you're not
for affection,
caress his cheeks
caress his soul.


for saying goodbye,
he's not coming back
no.

hands.
for new beginnings,
say hello
say it with your hands.

i don't know about...
...is ruined
books are...
music is...

you were...

You waited for me to fall asleep.
And I waited for you to say that you like me too.
But you never did.

tears were streaming down my face, my mother told me that i sounded sad and i told her that i'm okay but i am far from it
her voice made me cry,
my situation made me cry i wished that i was dead,
these people believing that i'm never going to be good made me cry

i cried until i ran out of tears
i'm never going to be good. never.

stranger
is
in
danger

lover
isn't
forever

fools
pools

nothing
no thing

something's
wrong with

me.

I'm not good with words
I'll never be able to express how much
you mean to me
You're slowly creeping into my heart
Your smile makes me smile
and it scares me
I don't know what to do with these
feelings

I made a list of
things I want to do with you
It's hidden somewhere close to me
I'll never show it to you
Because
we'll never see each other

You've forgotten about me
A relief
You'll never find out
About how much I want to be with you
About this poem