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2
tiyaja cianni Jan 2020
2
have you ever gotten a feeling like fire?

this feeling is so aggressive and extremely potent,
which leaves me in the state of
uncontrollable uncertainty.
sometimes i think i'm the only one who really feels it,
but here i am finding it in you.
then again, there is so much light within the person you seem to be
and it makes me want to soul search
in order to catch up.
this revolution is clouding my vision
and is keeping me
from seeing things for what they really could be.
then if i break, i at least know
that the blame is all placed upon myself
since i let you
take me
from me
to give me back
and get me again.
i think a lot more than i should.
#flame
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9/03/21
tiyaja cianni Sep 2021
9/03/21
what could i possibly do
to be able to keep looking at you
without inching too close
to your burning surface

and what could i keep doing
to stay in your good grace
so i can watch you like a movie
and re-read you like my favorite ballad
on a cold winter night

you would be the one to share your blanket


i felt so incapable of feeling
yea there's so much behind this, i feel like it sounds confusing and maybe it is.
#hi
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acceptance letter
tiyaja cianni Mar 2019
acceptance letter
Every writer has a story to tell

My story is about acceptance

Everybody wants to be loved in some way, shape, or form.
Either way, seeking love is way more complicated than receiving it.
The feeling that little to nobody is there is a life draining experience.

I had a dream that I apologized to everyone for everything I've ever done.
Today, I made it happen in real life.
A common thing among the two is that they both ended horribly.
No matter how much you apologize,
no matter how bad you feel,
no matter the weather- it can be sunshine or storms-
no one owes you anything and you should reciprocate it.

This is your acceptance letter.
If you are not loved by them, you are loved by me.
To everyone who has ever felt the way I have for the past 6 years, I sympathize. I would want things like world peace and love, but that doesn't always work out, does it?
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bpd pt 2
tiyaja cianni Apr 2022
bpd pt 2
god, i wish i was capable of feeling
a little more and
a lot less

god, i wish i believed in you
but you're about as real as i feel
while considering the possibility
that this life is simply
a Wes Anderson movie
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empty
tiyaja cianni Apr 2022
empty
sometimes when people say that they're empty, it sounds cliche to me.

an oracle
is what you are
to me
until you're
not.

what happens then?
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goals
tiyaja cianni Apr 2022
goals
to think that i would never be the best version of myself.

here i am, the better version of me, yet still very tired.

to set a goal, to become the newness that i strive for will most definitely be the thing that hold me back.
to know that i am the me that is pinning the soul down and stapling it to the ground is the factor that i choose to ignore.

then again, i strive for unlimited greatness
with passion and enlightenment, again, for the better

i want to be hollowed out and put together with every soft feeling and brave movements tired to me once again

i want to be the better me,
the me with the big smile
or the crazy mind filled with things i have yet to explore
and the promise that i will one day be
- as i've said-
the best version of myself.

i want to be the light in the dark again
with bright eyes and no regrets
nothing to fear and nowhere to run,
for i am in this body and will never leave
due to a karmic cycle of what i must learn
so again, i will dream
to be
the best version of me
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grow up
tiyaja cianni Jan 2020
grow up
you need to stop leading me on.
you and you and you and you and you.
just leave me alone and grow up.
you boys and girls put a lot of stress on me.
#stressed
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impulse mood disorder.
tiyaja cianni Apr 2019
impulse mood disorder.
Sometimes you’re not going to get what you want.
That should be okay, but you refuse to let it be.
Being argumentative shouldn’t be anything to flaunt.
Crying isn’t anything when it comes to me.
What hurts the most is that you’re not sorry.
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my offering
tiyaja cianni Jan 2020
my offering
unconditional love is all i can give you

even after you hurt me many times, i will continue to love you

no matter how many times you kick me down, i'll get back up and hope for better
and by then, unconditional love is all i have given you.

i strive for your light touch and your rough kiss, but i can never reach it
it strays far out into the seas and i lose it,
but then it comes back to me and
i drown.
i like aquariums. not the ocean.
#ocean
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november
tiyaja cianni Mar 2018
november
i will always put you first
because no matter how bad it gets,
it could always get worse.

i want to see you happy
and that's the way you want to see me
but i'm not at my best
which decreases your interest

i'm sorry that i'm sad
but can you find it in your heart to remember
that you're all that i have
please don't leave like last november.
i guess i'm upset. i tried to shake it off, but i'm upset.
#love
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oxygen
tiyaja cianni Feb 2018
oxygen
Oxygen.
I’m slowly running out of it.
My heart beats so fast that my body can’t actually keep up,
so my lungs panic.
My mind shuts down-

and here I am. Asleep.

Thinking about what the world would be like without oxygen.
I feel like I’m dead, but I’m not.
I’m still.
I am tired.
I am slowly wilting away because I let you take my breath.
If a single word can bring me to this state, then come closer.

A touch will **** me, but it is worth the risk.

Satisfaction is all that I crave, so if I die today or tomorrow because of a mislead, then it shall have to stay that way.

I will die a perfect death.

The lack of air and the lack of anything in my lungs will have to just let me wilt away.

Oxygen.
I think I need it as much as I need you, but why balance two things that cannot compare to each other? Why put together something that will equally repel? You will fight because I need you both, but why? Why does someone compare to something that has been given to me since birth?Why does someone who has their own supply fail to share it with someone who needs it?

Oxygen.

A wildcard. Puts me together like the petals being ripped from a flower in reverse. But you are the actual motion, yanking every little bit of anything that I could ever have left, but why?

Ask yourself.

Your oxygen is different than mine because it can only exist if you’re taking it from helpless girls that have had so much air that they might as well be falling from the sky, but now they are just done. They are done. Because you took their oxygen.
Corpses. In a coffin. Stuck without any oxygen. Dead. because you took it. You took my air. I’m a useless body of decayed skin because you took it all from me. You took my oxygen.
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promises on valentine's day.
tiyaja cianni Feb 2020
promises on valentine's day.
Sometimes I wish that I could keep every promise I've made.

When i told you that i was gonna give you the world and nothing less, i gave you MY world. And the realization that my world was too much and not enough at the same time has just hit me so hard that it makes me ache inside. I just feel like you’re gone for a reason. You’re gone because you can’t stand the person that i used to be and probably still am, but that’s okay. I can’t change how you feel, I can only tell you how i feel… and man.. What i would do to get you back..

It’s almost been 11 months and I am just so full of doubt that i’m ever going to get better. Because wow. All i ever wanted was for the both of us to be happy, but i guess we’re both not. Or at least that’s what i want to believe. I really want my baby back. I want to be able to call you and talk to you and hear you breathe. I want to know that you’re okay and that you’re mentally functioning in a stable way. I just want to be able to look you in your eyes again. That is all.

To be able to constantly feel like trash. To be able to constantly feel like just straight garbage because I know that deep down, me giving you MY world is what ruined us. Me, showing you my life and all that it had to offer just weighed you down. It’s crazy how you go insane over the fact that my life ruined you, but how do you think it’s treating me if we almost think the same. We couldn’t be any different for facing things as they came. Where are you now, though? Still with me, probably. Because the person in your body right now is not who you are or should be. That is not my baby. And i want my baby back to me.
i miss you.
#promises
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unsure.
tiyaja cianni Jan 2020
unsure.
i like how i look attached to you
and you like how i look when i drive you crazy.

there are things that i want to figure out about
as time goes on

then when you leave, i'll be as broken as ever
for i don't know what i would do
without someone like you
right now.
I couldn't imagine missing you, but here i am
#tired
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Who are you?
tiyaja cianni Nov 2018
Who are you?
Every single day, you look into that ******* mirror.
Are you happy?
Do you see what you want to see
or is there a stranger glaring back at you?
Well, no. There isn't.
When you look into the mirror, you shouldn't see anything except for what you created.
That's all and that's it.
You shouldn't think so low of an amazing thing that you have made on your own.
You did this, so own up to it.
But still, you look in that mirror the next day
and you ask yourself,
"who are you?"
i love you <3
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winter
tiyaja cianni Apr 2019
winter
Winter.
That one season
            that keeps you warm inside,
        but slightly numb and dead on the outside.
Winter.
          I figured out that the snow wasn’t just everything,
           but it was only a fraction of what makes us cold.
Winter.
                 It changes your feelings, and ****** you off
                      until you’re late for school
                          because you were up all night,
                                                    sleepi­ng in class,
                                                         passing out in gym,
                                                     coming home half-awake,
                             and laying in bed with your eyes in a shade of red
                      
                           because you know that you’re tired.

You’re tired of Winter,
                 and begging for spring.
Spring.
       She finally came around
                   and    danced   like   the   melody    of    moonlight  
             sonata.
                    She was slower than the rest of the seasons.


I was still dead.

Spring.

The feeling of seeing others happy makes me shiver, I hate it. I hate being the only one with
                                      nothing there
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you
tiyaja cianni Jan 2020
you
All I could think about was you

The day you left, I felt uneasy and sick to my stomach,
and the only thing that stayed was your smell and your name floating around my head

so i sing your name in the most humble way i can so i can cherish every single vowel and note.
#love
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— The End —