Last night I felt the alcohol and darkness slither in again.
So I buried myself into a blanket burrito
and tried not to let the cold take over.
Soon however, it felt suffocating,
tightening around my arms and hands
whenever the night demanded blood and pain.
"I'm protecting you on his behalf," the blanket whispered,
as its warmth imitated his arms and lulled me to sleep.

Everything hurt.
Not that it mattered.

If it's any consolation,
I'll miss you too -

a lot.

We walked along the shore,
separate but joint.
Look up. The broken stars,
the anguished stars will explode.
Beauty in the most shattered souls.

We walked along the shore,
the present in yesterday.
Look up. The battered lives,
the lost lives wander these skies.
Joy in the souls who've suffered.

"I love you (just for tonight)"
That is what is always said.
There's nothing harder than loving you.
There's nothing harder than leaving you.
"Don't leave." "I was never there."
A defective love built on lies.

(glow in the dark stars)
A pack costs two dollars
But the joy it brings is worth manyfold.
They laugh,
Calling me immature, childish.
But have you ever been afraid of the darkness the way I am?
When the dark arrives, so does isolation,
and emptiness and hate and pain and self-loathing.
That's all I know of darkness,
so leave my packet of stars be,
they watch over me when no one else will.

(dreamcatchers)*
A bit of string, a few feathers,
and perhaps a bead or two.
Call it superstition, but I believe.
Because nightmares aren't just bad dreams to me,
they are possible glimpses into the future, where desolation dominates,
where the monsters in my head are as real as you and me,
and they tower over and hunt me.
Be sure not to break the string,
for they say all the bad dreams
will be released into the real world.

Walk with me to the ends of this sad world,
Come follow me to where the grey clouds twirl.
Walk beside me, not in front or behind,
Follow me to where rules are undefined.
Walk alongside me 'til your feet give way,
Come follow me, just please meet me halfway.
Walk next to me to where sky and sea meet,
Follow me to where mankind is complete.
Slowly waiting for the leaves to turn green,
When the spring arrives and the calves are weaned.
Candles, candles, oh how their rays of light,
Burns our weak eyes with it's dazzling might.
Looking forward to when the sun won't set,
Forever I'll stare at your silhouette.

I pick fights with people,
because as Albert Camus said,
"to feel absolutely right
is the beginning of
the end"
and I'd rather have you angry
for awhile
than have you gone
for the rest of my life.

No one told me though,
that constant fighting
only ends in pushing everyone away.

But without the crashing waves
or turbulent winds,
we wouldn't be the ocean we are -
breaking boundaries and pushing limits
and finally finding
where we belong
and who we are.

A hooded figure lying in wait,
winds dance around,
hiding, revealing, twirling in circles,
it's almost time.

Hoarse coughs sound throughout the night.
He is not scared, he will not be harmed.
Time is endless, but time will stop.
This book is ending, another is near.

Him and his friends, they dance,
gracefully protecting,
in return, he gives them life,
one of darkness.

Blinks open his eyes, there is calm.
He greets the other as a true friend.
A life well lived, no regrets.
This new dance, slow and ageless.

Light emerges,
shadows retreat once more,
you are safe, for tonight.

Paper heart, you've been drowned and torn,
you'll never be whole once more.
The cracks have been illuminated,
dry what is left of this fragile love

String of trust, unwound and tangled,
you've been knotted and cut.
What was strong now deteriorates,
hanging listlessly to drift with cold winds

Should've learnt by now
that old mix tapes from you
will
        always
     bring
       me
               down.

The anger built inside me
That no one ever sees
It’s the speck of sand beside the sea
A single leaf among the trees

The loneliness taking me
That no one understands
Surrounded by all this fakeness
No true love; just one night stands

The pain slowly killing me
That no one ever feels
New wounds bleed and old scars ache
Marks that’ll never heal

The sorrow consuming me
That no one can ever sense
Tear stains upon a sheet
Two hands (destined) to never meet

Put you close to my heart
and tell you that you are
so ******* beautiful.
I want so badly
to kiss every inch
of your battle weary skin,
whispering sweet nothings
about how terrifyingly beautiful the jagged,
taunting lines are.

But I cannot bear to encourage this war.

You are beautiful because
you saw ugliness
and you saw pain,
yet your faith in the world,
or God, or humans,
or something,
made you stay and witness more
despite your own suffocating darkness.

But I will not encourage this war.

The faceless, jeering voices inside -
they are not real.
They will not win.
They are bullies in a pre-school courtyard.
It's hard to walk away but
eventually you learn to tune them out.
Their unworldly presence is not beautiful
so they take over your mind to compensate.

End this war.

The casualties canceled out any victory
the moment blood was first spilt.

I'm not perfect.
There's a cry for help
that only the city lights hear -
barely flickering in response.
I go deeper in

the labyrinth I've built for myself.
I manage to get lost and
find comfort and pain
(at least I can feel pain),
in knowing no one can find me.
But even that does not last long

when hating yourself
is the only thing you know of.

When will the knife slip,
when will your feet trip -

into myself,
into my freedom?

Whose freedom
are we fighting for,
if we don't even know
who we are?

And he was beautiful
Within his scars
and within his bones
and within the labyrinth, his mind
There was a terrifying beauty
that she could never see or understand


She didn’t deserve to.

I haven't hurt myself lately
but that's okay
there's enough of that
where you come from

Yesterday I swore it'd be the last time
I'd shed tears over this broken love.

Today I heard your name in a conversation
where petty girls gushed over your voice
(the only voice to have ever comforted me)
and I'd never felt so disheartened before.

(what once was, now feels like forgotten lore)

Tomorrow, I banish you from my mind -
no longer free to hide in the dark crevices of my heart
or tear my soul apart.

things are getting harder
but i guess you wouldn't
really know
it's been so easy shutting you out
too easy
to go with the flow

the nights are getting longer
but no one else
really knows
it's been hard spending them alone
without your warmth
in this numbing cold

although it's getting difficult to stay afloat
it's getting easier to just keep pretending
that i belong on the bottom of this river of life  
as mere

bed load

I’m made of bones and blood,
and those bones,
unbroken and holding me up,
is proof of my survival.
And though there is emptiness and fear hiding inside,
put together with the will to keep going,
I know I am stronger than ever.
And there is salt in my blood
from the days where tears infiltrated
into the valleys I built to hide in.
But the oxygen inside each blood cell
is proof that I’m still breathing.
I’m alive. I’m alive!
And I’m trying my best not to forget that.

I don't know what to tell you
except,
I love you,
and I always will

I will not apologise.
I will not apologise for never fully giving you my heart.
I will not apologise for hurting when you were not.
I will not apologise for not hurting when you were.

Because I am not sorry.

I have apologised for every single thing
for as long as I could remember -
head down, “sorry” this, “sorry” that -
and you know what? I am done.

You were in the roots of my hair,
in every cell of this god ****** body.
And the heaving craters within my veins,
made by insecurities coming crashing down,
are evidence of a battle hard won.
Too long have I fought the reflection of a mirror,
too many times the jagged pieces won.  

Now I am marching back to my native land
to be reunited with the home I’ve made in my soul.

I will not apologise for leaving your war.
I will not apologise for not being you.
I will not apologise for being me.
I will not apologise for anything.

I would like to remind everyone
that love is not a fairytale,
or a plot twist in a book or TV show.
It is as real as their warm body,
as it moulds together with yours.

There are no fireworks
or electric sparks when you kiss,
but your heart will pound and you'll briefly wonder
if they can hear your nervousness
as loudly as you can.

You'll love them
and they'll love you in return
for as long as it takes before it fades out
(if ever)
because sometimes it takes the dying of one love
to give way to something bigger and greater.

Never forget those you've loved before,
for that's the greatest insult of all,
worse than every curse and every heated fight.
To forget says that you never cared,
even when you were together.

His skin was clean.
There were no scars,
there were no daily reminders
of the sins he had committed.
And you tried to think
for so impossibly long and hard
when was the last time
yours had been clean too.
Because no matter how long
you had beaten back temptation
you always saw something
other than clear skin.

I'm sorry,
Because you loved me when I couldn't love myself
And yet I could never do the same for you.
I'm not capable of loving everyone,
I want love, but only if I get to choose.
And you probably know,
I never chose you.
I'm sorry.

The sun would bow at your command,
The stars to freeze in your presence.
For you I'd find a way
To spend a night up in the heavens
Along with the moon and its impish grin.

*To the man I'd yet to meet:
Strangers