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Oct 2014 · 612
// no //
Ting-Jun Oct 2014
I will not apologise.
I will not apologise for never fully giving you my heart.
I will not apologise for hurting when you were not.
I will not apologise for not hurting when you were.

Because I am not sorry.

I have apologised for every single thing
for as long as I could remember -
head down, “sorry” this, “sorry” that -
and you know what? I am done.

You were in the roots of my hair,
in every cell of this god ****** body.
And the heaving craters within my veins,
made by insecurities coming crashing down,
are evidence of a battle hard won.
Too long have I fought the reflection of a mirror,
too many times the jagged pieces won.  

Now I am marching back to my native land
to be reunited with the home I’ve made in my soul.

I will not apologise for leaving your war.
I will not apologise for not being you.
I will not apologise for being me.
I will not apologise for anything.
Ting-Jun Jul 2014
i. I've fallen for the way you write certain letters in two separate strokes, almost as if telling them that every single part of them is unique and deserves more.

ii. The way our nails are shaped the same, as if our bodies were made to match, if only barely.

iii. When you grind your teeth while arguing with me. As though your mere teeth could crush everything you ever hated about me.

iv. Or as if you could trample all of the words you didn't want to hear me say.

v. There are thousands of buildings I'd jump off to remind myself of how it felt to fall for you.

vi. I liked the adrenaline of falling but I'm done falling for you.
Apr 2014 · 606
15 word story
Ting-Jun Apr 2014
There's a lot of things I don't believe in,
but you're not one of them.
Mar 2014 · 823
live
Ting-Jun Mar 2014
I’m made of bones and blood,
and those bones,
unbroken and holding me up,
is proof of my survival.
And though there is emptiness and fear hiding inside,
put together with the will to keep going,
I know I am stronger than ever.
And there is salt in my blood
from the days where tears infiltrated
into the valleys I built to hide in.
But the oxygen inside each blood cell
is proof that I’m still breathing.
I’m alive. I’m alive!
And I’m trying my best not to forget that.
Nov 2013 · 468
Ting-Jun Nov 2013
Everything hurt.
Not that it mattered.
Nov 2013 · 658
skin and scars
Ting-Jun Nov 2013
His skin was clean.
There were no scars,
there were no daily reminders
of the sins he had committed.
And you tried to think
for so impossibly long and hard
when was the last time
yours had been clean too.
Because no matter how long
you had beaten back temptation
you always saw something
other than clear skin.
Ting-Jun Oct 2013
When we kissed, I fell
into the grave you dug.

I loved you so dearly,
I forgot to love me.

You said, "goodbye, for now."
I said, "stay, for awhile."
3x 10 word poem
Ting-Jun Oct 2013
My dear:
I hope you know,
that I love you, truly.
More than you'd ever see,
more than I could ever show.

I love you,
so please don't go.

I love you so,
please don't go.
Sep 2013 · 811
Bitter bitterness
Ting-Jun Sep 2013
There’s a scar on my heart that refuses to fade
– an unwanted companion of sorts,
and it’s building bridges that can’t be burnt
and unlocking cobwebbed doors  
with keys I thought I had long buried.
Old habits die hard.
Sep 2013 · 672
End this war.
Ting-Jun Sep 2013
Put you close to my heart
and tell you that you are
so ******* beautiful.
I want so badly
to kiss every inch
of your battle weary skin,
whispering sweet nothings
about how terrifyingly beautiful the jagged,
taunting lines are.

But I cannot bear to encourage this war.

You are beautiful because
you saw ugliness
and you saw pain,
yet your faith in the world,
or God, or humans,
or something,
made you stay and witness more
despite your own suffocating darkness.

But I will not encourage this war.

The faceless, jeering voices inside -
they are not real.
They will not win.
They are bullies in a pre-school courtyard.
It's hard to walk away but
eventually you learn to tune them out.
Their unworldly presence is not beautiful
so they take over your mind to compensate.

End this war.

The casualties canceled out any victory
the moment blood was first spilt.
Sep 2013 · 712
Eyes
Ting-Jun Sep 2013
As mysterious as the world’s greatest oceans
but nowhere as empty,
and nowhere as dark;
Your eyes were my light,
the light
I saw every single night for
256 nights
before I fell asleep.
The cause for my pounding heart
moments before darkness embraced
a lonely heart.
I thought you’d be my saving grace
but I ended up falling –
what goes up must come down.
There have been songs written about your eyes,
and poems, and letters upon letters.
But I know better,
they were all a lies touched with
a little bit of magic called love.
Ting-Jun Sep 2013
"I love you (just for tonight)"
That is what is always said.
There's nothing harder than loving you.
There's nothing harder than leaving you.
"Don't leave." "I was never there."
A defective love built on lies.
A six by six, requested by Quentin Briscoe. Each line is a complete thought made of six words. Oh and look, even the title is six words! Enjoy :)
#micromoment
Sep 2013 · 577
Ting-Jun Sep 2013
-6w- [x2]
My words belong to your heart.
Even if I don't belong there.
Sep 2013 · 897
100
Ting-Jun Sep 2013
100
I'm falling from a hundred feet
and I don't know how I feel

A hundred feet
a hundred thoughts
a hundred poems I wrote for you

A hundred feet
of me questioning if anything was real
if anything was true

A hundred feet
Ninety
Eighty
Seventy
But everything else remains the same

A hundred lives I'd sacrifice for you
A hundred fools
All of them for you

Sixty
Fifty
Forty
Thirty feet to go

But now the tears begin to flow
Thirty
Forty
Fifty
Sixty

Rewind time and step back
or is it too late for goodbyes?

I knew
I knew
I knew within my heart –

I knew it was too good to be true
Sep 2013 · 633
hurt hurts
Ting-Jun Sep 2013
I haven't hurt myself lately
but that's okay
there's enough of that
where you come from
Ting-Jun Aug 2013
things are getting harder
but i guess you wouldn't
really know
it's been so easy shutting you out
too easy
to go with the flow

the nights are getting longer
but no one else
really knows
it's been hard spending them alone
without your warmth
in this numbing cold

although it's getting difficult to stay afloat
it's getting easier to just keep pretending
that i belong on the bottom of this river of life  
as mere

bed load
Ting-Jun Aug 2013
I give you my tears,
I give you my joy,
take my darkness,
take what's mine.

Between pain and numbness
which would you choose?
One is red, blinding, dangerous,
and flows erratically through your veins
the other is black, sinister, shrewd,
and dances around your mind
before swallowing you whole.

I give you my tears,
I give you my joy,
take my darkness,
take what's mine.

*Save me.
Aug 2013 · 452
00:06:25:178 (10W)
Ting-Jun Aug 2013
If it's any consolation,
I'll miss you too -

a lot.
Ting-Jun Aug 2013
It’s times like this, when I’ve realised I only have six months left here, that things really hit me. I know, six months seems a lot, but with exams are coming up, six months will be gone in no time and I’ll be back in Melbourne before I know it. And it’s ironic, I’ve been pining for the place I grew up in for so long, I’ve completely missed the fact that I’ve grown the most back here, in my little home town. I’m going to miss this place and the amazing, gorgeous people I’ve met. Perhaps, too much for my own good.
Aug 2013 · 1.1k
Marching Band
Ting-Jun Aug 2013
I missed you the way the stars missed the sun -
knowing that we were in the same sky,
yet not in reach of each other
hurt more than the impact of any falling star.
Aug 2013 · 930
Strangers
Ting-Jun Aug 2013
The sun would bow at your command,
The stars to freeze in your presence.
For you I'd find a way
To spend a night up in the heavens
Along with the moon and its impish grin.

*To the man I'd yet to meet:
Strangers
Aug 2013 · 517
*
Ting-Jun Aug 2013
*
I'm fine.
                                      I promise.
                            

          (Ask again, I might tell a different story)
Jul 2013 · 1.6k
IOU
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
IOU
I have apologies
for every single person
that I've ever wronged,
intentionally or not.
They ranged from the simplest
'sorry' to that stranger whose coffee I spilt,
to a three volume text of
all my emotions and regrets
where 'sorry' doesn't cut it,
but it's all I've left to say
to ease the guilt.

Except I don't know
where to start,
There are far too
many IOUs
and not enough time
but you're telling me,
"start by apologising
to your very own body,
your mind and your heart"
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
When I changed for you,
I also changed my beliefs.
I forgot about pragmatism
and went for idealism
and fell head first for you,
with the most foolish thought
that someone like you,
could love someone like me.
Especially when I had yet to
find love for myself.

Faithfully following you,
without any concept
of what love and
devotion really was,
I lost myself in a religion
that never existed -
except in you and me.
Jul 2013 · 939
Goodnight and goodbye.
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
I'm not perfect.
There's a cry for help
that only the city lights hear -
barely flickering in response.
I go deeper in

the labyrinth I've built for myself.
I manage to get lost and
find comfort and pain
(at least I can feel pain),
in knowing no one can find me.
But even that does not last long

when hating yourself
is the only thing you know of.

When will the knife slip,
when will your feet trip -

into myself,
into my freedom?

Whose freedom
are we fighting for,
if we don't even know
who we are?
When will the day come, when I'm free of my demons and out of this labyrinth with it's deceptive mirages?
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
Exploring the mountainous terrains
and open fields
you stumble across an empty cave
it goes deep, and inside
is something so wondrous
but even the greatest explorer
has yet to lay eyes upon it

You whisper
quiet promises of exploration,
the slight echoes replying
each movement of your
caressing tongue,
leaving the earth
trembling in anticipation

Inside the cave
something is stirring
but it knows than better
than the earth, which it lives with,
sweet words and gentle treading
mean nothing if the
intention
is all wrong
Jul 2013 · 687
A haiku about you, for you
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
Lies will not soothe
a healing or broken mind.
Not now, not ever.
Jul 2013 · 443
My downfall (15w)
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
I don't know what to tell you
except,
I love you,
and I always will
Jul 2013 · 4.3k
Origami Elephant
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
I folded what remained
of my weak paper heart
and made an origami elephant
hoping to create a façade
of being stronger than
I really was.

*Never forgetting,
but always moving on.
Jul 2013 · 695
A sonnet about you, for you
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
Walk with me to the ends of this sad world,
Come follow me to where the grey clouds twirl.
Walk beside me, not in front or behind,
Follow me to where rules are undefined.
Walk alongside me 'til your feet give way,
Come follow me, just please meet me halfway.
Walk next to me to where sky and sea meet,
Follow me to where mankind is complete.
Slowly waiting for the leaves to turn green,
When the spring arrives and the calves are weaned.
Candles, candles, oh how their rays of light,
Burns our weak eyes with it's dazzling might.
Looking forward to when the sun won't set,
Forever I'll stare at your silhouette.
Jul 2013 · 348
10w
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
10w
All you left me
were pretty lies
and broken promises.
Jul 2013 · 606
worse to worst
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
Don’t dance with the faeries,
don’t trust in half-truths.
They’ll leave you broken.
A beautifully shattered mirror.

Don’t deal with the devil,
don’t trust in promises.
They’ll leave you falling.
An innocent child turned renegade.

Don’t sing with the sirens,
don’t trust in lulling songs.
They’ll leave you gasping.
A soul burnt to the ocean floor.

Don’t believe in anybody,
don’t listen to practiced lies.
They’ll leave you bleeding.
They’ll leave you broken,
                                        falling,         ­                                     

                          ­                         gasping.

**We are the worst of all creations.
We destroy all that has been made.
Jul 2013 · 340
down
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
Should've learnt by now
that old mix tapes from you
will
        always
     bring
       me
               down.
Jul 2013 · 722
Beginning of the end
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
I pick fights with people,
because as Albert Camus said,
"to feel absolutely right
is the beginning of
the end"
and I'd rather have you angry
for awhile
than have you gone
for the rest of my life.

No one told me though,
that constant fighting
only ends in pushing everyone away.

But without the crashing waves
or turbulent winds,
we wouldn't be the ocean we are -
breaking boundaries and pushing limits
and finally finding
where we belong
and who we are.
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
Of all the stars in the sky,
you were the loudest, the brightest,
the one that spoke my name,
the one that kept me sane,
the one that was the light to guide me home.

Of all the stars in the sky,
you’ll be the one I always treasure, forever,
the one that made me laugh,
the one that made me cry,
the one that eventually made it all worthwhile.

*When love seems to have faded, we’re just lost in the confusion, the anger, the stress, but the love is always there waiting to be uncovered once more. When we feel as though we’re drowning, if we try a little harder, we’ll find the shore, it’s not too far, love, we’ll get there, sooner or later.
Jul 2013 · 621
Daemons and Angels
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
Oh you'll lift the heaviest corners of my heart
and of course, lift that faltering smile
Daemons haunt us and chase our mistakes,
monsters who'll tear us apart

Oh you'll bring back the memories which made me cry
and of course, bring back the hope, which you destroyed
Angels will listen for the simplest lies,
faeries waiting for the quietest sigh
Jul 2013 · 379
Tonight. (6w)
Ting-Jun Jul 2013
I love you
                                                  *(just for tonight).
Jun 2013 · 523
2359
Ting-Jun Jun 2013
We walked along the shore,
separate but joint.
Look up. The broken stars,
the anguished stars will explode.
Beauty in the most shattered souls.

We walked along the shore,
the present in yesterday.
Look up. The battered lives,
the lost lives wander these skies.
Joy in the souls who've suffered.
Jun 2013 · 1.4k
2am
Ting-Jun Jun 2013
2am
it’s hard to stop writing about you
because you were my 2am inspiration
as well as my tears

it’s been a long time since you’ve left
yet you still haunt my dreams
and epitomise my fears
Jun 2013 · 1.0k
The small rocks will add up
Ting-Jun Jun 2013
Every traitorous thought you harbour
ties a small rock to your ankle
as you tread water in the open ocean.

Every spiteful thought from a family member,
friend, acquaintance, stranger
ties another.

It weighs you down,
of course it would.
You know how to swim,
you know how to float and tread water.

But that is not what will save you.

Everyone tires eventually.


You hold a pair of scissors in your hand.
It is slightly blunt,
of course it is.
You've cut your wrists and thighs and stomach,
your worth
so many times.

But even the bluntest of scissors will be helpful
when you're about to drown.
Wear down the string
then leave them behind on the ocean's floors.

It is easier to cut away what weighs you down
than try and pretend it doesn't bother you.
I have far too many rocks, and a pair of scissors that are far too blunt.
I'd rather drown, and leave something for the fishes.
Jun 2013 · 764
Façades
Ting-Jun Jun 2013
Under the lake's sky blue waters
which appear ever still,
ever calm,
there's another universe
buzzing with paranoia, pain,
but also with intelligence, creativity,
life.
It's too great for the world to see
for now.

You are this lake
and you are as beautiful,
if not more.
Jun 2013 · 388
Falling, crashing
Ting-Jun Jun 2013
I never told you
but I fell in love with you
not just once,
but many, many times.

The first time
was when you told me:
"You have me. You don't have to be alone anymore",
and I smiled so hard
my cheeks ached for days
(the same way my heart did when we weren't together)

I last fell for you
when you told me for the final time
(although we didn't know it then):
"I love you, always".
Except this time as I plummeted downwards
you weren't there to catch me
because you had wandered elsewhere.
Jun 2013 · 1.0k
Discarded.
Ting-Jun Jun 2013
Paper heart, you've been drowned and torn,
you'll never be whole once more.
The cracks have been illuminated,
dry what is left of this fragile love

String of trust, unwound and tangled,
you've been knotted and cut.
What was strong now deteriorates,
hanging listlessly to drift with cold winds
Ting-Jun Jun 2013
Yesterday I swore it'd be the last time
I'd shed tears over this broken love.

Today I heard your name in a conversation
where petty girls gushed over your voice
(the only voice to have ever comforted me)
and I'd never felt so disheartened before.

(what once was, now feels like forgotten lore)

Tomorrow, I banish you from my mind -
no longer free to hide in the dark crevices of my heart
or tear my soul apart.
Ting-Jun May 2013
will you think of me?
when the last leaf has fallen, or the last train has left?
stay through this harsh winter,
wait for me.

this world’s gone crazy,
i can’t find you in the crowd.
held by chains of guilt,
wait for me.

repeating numbly the rituals of life,
do we ever leave this place?
always a few steps behind your silhouette,
wait for me.

when the mind is a broken mirror,
reflecting one's lost memories.
how long can one last?
*don’t give up on me.
May 2013 · 1.0k
Artificial Safety
Ting-Jun May 2013
(glow in the dark stars)
A pack costs two dollars
But the joy it brings is worth manyfold.
They laugh,
Calling me immature, childish.
But have you ever been afraid of the darkness the way I am?
When the dark arrives, so does isolation,
and emptiness and hate and pain and self-loathing.
That's all I know of darkness,
so leave my packet of stars be,
they watch over me when no one else will.

(dreamcatchers)*
A bit of string, a few feathers,
and perhaps a bead or two.
Call it superstition, but I believe.
Because nightmares aren't just bad dreams to me,
they are possible glimpses into the future, where desolation dominates,
where the monsters in my head are as real as you and me,
and they tower over and hunt me.
Be sure not to break the string,
for they say all the bad dreams
will be released into the real world.
May 2013 · 548
Plain
Ting-Jun May 2013
I'll never write those heart wrenching poems or lyrics.
I'll awkwardly stumble over my emotions in hope that you'll fall in love with me.

People won't look up to me, girls won't envy me.
But I promise I'll love you with all my heart.

I'll never be noticed in the shadows
(perhaps it's for the best).
Never be more than a follower.
I'll be content with you by my side instead.

I'm that spare part that was never needed
because the machine was already perfect as it was.
But if you're missing something, that part might just be me.
Can't particularly decide if I really like this or really don't. Feedback please?
May 2013 · 473
Time
Ting-Jun May 2013
The past haunts me:
in my head,
in my dreams,
no explanations
to be made.

The present mocks me:
at my life,
in my face,
no empathy,
to fall from grace

The future scares me:
in my eyes,
through my lies,
no more running;
it's time.
Written in 2010 (which feels like forever ago), so I apologize if it's not top notch.
May 2013 · 519
Death and Shadow Dancers
Ting-Jun May 2013
A hooded figure lying in wait,
winds dance around,
hiding, revealing, twirling in circles,
it's almost time.

Hoarse coughs sound throughout the night.
He is not scared, he will not be harmed.
Time is endless, but time will stop.
This book is ending, another is near.

Him and his friends, they dance,
gracefully protecting,
in return, he gives them life,
one of darkness.

Blinks open his eyes, there is calm.
He greets the other as a true friend.
A life well lived, no regrets.
This new dance, slow and ageless.

Light emerges,
shadows retreat once more,
you are safe, for tonight.
Written last year after a very strange discussion on death and time. Always a topic that fascinates me.
May 2013 · 813
-
Ting-Jun May 2013
-
Last night I felt the alcohol and darkness slither in again.
So I buried myself into a blanket burrito
and tried not to let the cold take over.
Soon however, it felt suffocating,
tightening around my arms and hands
whenever the night demanded blood and pain.
"I'm protecting you on his behalf," the blanket whispered,
as its warmth imitated his arms and lulled me to sleep.
This feels so forced but I needed to write this to get it off my chest.
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