14 hours later, 14 long hours you have been gone
Each minute seems an eternity, each hour drags on and on
I know where you've been, 14 hours in another loves arms
14 hours that I've been wondering how strong
My heart is, where the point I break apart is
The minutes tick by and at every one I wonder what I started
Can I finish it, can I end it all now?
When will the pain get too great, will I get through it somehow?
Or will I give up and give in, because I can finish anything I begin
When will this end, when will this end?
Can I ever trust you again? Will I ever believe I love you again?
When their meanings are shadowed, when their ashes carry no more flame?
14 hours of my heart, breaking apart piece by piece, and the thoughts in my brain
Won't let me sleep, no they won't let me sleep
Slowly, so many memories that close to my heart I did keep
Turn black, and slough away to reveal a rotten core
I don't think love can live there anymore
I don't think I can believe the lies that will be told to cover other lies
I don't think I have any more tears to cry
Tell me that your afraid, tell me that you don't know how to love
Tell me that I was wrong, or all of the above

Do you think that your safe
From the everyday tragedies that
inflict wounds upon the people for all of eternity?
That memory burns in me. The towers went down
Watching in shock no one dared made a sound
They ******* burned to the ground
And we had to go to war
Not since pearl harbor had this happened on our shore
The very heart of America tore
As we watched desperate people jump from windows up high
Our collective conscious couldn't understand why
so many innocent people had to die
People with families communities and homes
Pictures of their last moments the news couldn't leave alone
Twelve years later it still brings tears to my eyes
The day that changed America forever with planes in the skies
Rest in peace lost souls; you will never be forgotten
You are in a better place now, and you didn't die for nothing

This isn't a different time, a better place
Because maybe I won't be the only one
Or anyone to anybody else besides myself
But little is known of all the things that can happen in space
I've seen fear in another's eyes, but I don't see it here
Or are my eyes closed, in those moments I go and visit ghosts
Just to hear them whisper that it is all okay
While I ignore the sadness written in between the lines laid out with lipstick on your face
I swear I've seen two silhouetted hands separate, making a gap where light pours into the lense
But I can't recall if those two lives ended up intertwined again
In the end I guess it probably doesn't matter anyway, what matters was the initial embrace
Any of the pain brought on by wondering what happened after that is pain that time can wash away
You'll have a piece of me to hold on to, or to bury if you choose
All I ask is that you mourn it well, and if I hear a ringing in my ears
I'll know it will be our eulogy, and that our space will be permanent, and infinite
That pain won't be brought on by wondering a thing, though the memory of your smile will never be the same

I could have ripped my heart right out of my chest
Or given you a million valid means of protest
and you still would have left
Your absence is so obvious; it haunts me while I sleep
It clouds over every moment and rips a hole so black and deep
Its killing me, such a silent assassin striking from the depths
How do you even question why I am depressed?
You walked out, all alone, much to my dismay
and obliterated everything you could along the way
Left me for dead; between the lines you read
between the lines is where I struggled for days
Just to make it out of the fire and into the abyss
Maybe it is just the abuse that I most miss
The soul ******* series of never ending mirrors
A lie behind every one, nothing ever seeming clearer
I was three feet away from you when you left me forever
I should have known, you *******, you were always very clever
When I woke up to your mom screaming in my face
I woke up to an entire life of feeling pure disgrace
I let you down, and you were the very best
friend I ever had
And all the ****** or money or god
Can never bring you back
You left me here on this earth alone
to wither and die with a heart of stone
And I will never forgive you for as long as I live
Because I will never be able to forgive
myself

I'm sure if he could tell you one last time that he loved you
He would do anything he could to make that happen
But Adriana, your daddy's gone, and all I can say is that it wasn't your fault
He lost his fight with the monsters in his head
And all I can convey is how much he loved you every second you were alive
When he spoke your name the light shined in his eyes
And he smiled
There is nothing I can do to help heal your pain
You miss him so much, and I miss him too
When he isn't around to take care of you, reach out into the air
He is silent and smiling and he'll be standing right there
And though you can't picture the light in his eyes
Please know that they shined brighter than all the stars in the sky
They shined that bright for you

It haunts me in my dreams
And it kills me in my sleep
Oh I am so afraid yes I am so ashamed
What could it all mean
Black scars that run so deep
Transgressions of my past in my heart that I do keep
Yes I am so afraid and forever so ashamed
Does it make me weak to know that
I can't speak your name soft and slow
Without the searing pain of blame
Welling up in my chest, it makes me so **** depressed
Of your name I am afraid
Of our end I am ashamed

Riding in a van, holding hands in the middle seat
Watching our feeling pour out through soft fragile boundaries
Ask me anything in the moment, Id share with you everything
Next hour, searching for words to explain the depths of my heart
But there were none, and we didn't need them anyway
Traveling to different parts of the state
But then again, what are the chances we would meet in this place
7 billion people and time is infinite, our carbon traveled light years from the collisions of stars
When I walk into the coffee kitchen, blue eyes striking and there you are
Our roads, where do they go?
For now, and for as long as we let them, we can walk down them as one
Holding your hand, middle seat, knowing I wasn't being judged on where I'm from
What I've done
I'm excited to see the beauty of the journey, to find out what we become

I had to meet you now, at this period in my life
One marked by so much insecurity and strife
Because I swear any other time I'd set all this right
And cut you a place in the fabric next to me with a knife
And we would forever be fine, and forever be free
And forever be happy like we're supposed to be
But the problem is mine, and I know you can see
It's inevitable that time will throw it's shadow upon me
And I'll go away, whether by night or by day
And you'll be left lying
Alone in the fray
An unforgivable reminder of the price I must pay
For all of the stupid games I decided to play
As I look upon all of your poise and your grace
The emotions and feelings that flicker over your face
I need to show you I'll be there even while I'm away
And a perfect life is possible, just a little delayed
So though I can't say it's possible, you have nothing to fear
I refuse to accept it's impossible that one day I won't be able
To call you my dear

It's so much colder here in the morning
The rain is cold and the sky isn't blue
It's so much colder everywhere in the morning
Lying anywhere without you
I know you will be happy when your with me
And with you I will finally feel alive
We've both got baggage and the right to be
Able to decide to just put it all aside
On the day we finally meet
On the day that I finally hold you
In my broken down embrace
I'll never want to leave you there
Without me with you in that broken down place
My life won't ever be the same
Just like my past will forever be stained
But you and I will be ok
And I know we are both afraid
Of the thought that we might be making a mistake
Of the possibility of a high price to be paid
Even with the risk looming overhead
It's a chance I'm more than willing to take
If we don't jump off the edge
That could be the biggest mistake of all
Our happiness could fall
right by the wayside; with all the times they lied
and told it was wrong when we knew it was right
But still I have this plight
My past is just that; it's the past
And yes its filled with broken memories of dreams that shattered just like glass
I lived a life that was hard and fast
I barely made it through the other end intact
So I'm sitting on a cold morning
With my baggage and I'm so blue
It's so much colder everywhere in the morning
When I'm dying without you
So please, love, do your best to get here soon
And I will travel to you by the light of the moon
And I will hold you so close; so soon
Forever changed tomorrow at the strike of noon
I hope I don't scare you away
With all of the horrible things I did do and say
Because the past is the past
And the future begins for us right here today
I will never ever leave you
I always want to be by your side
I'll help you carry your baggage
while I'm hoping we can get past mine
I don't want to be cold in the morning
I want to know that everything is fine
I don't want every morning to be so cold
I just want to know that you are mine

They sent me to a place far away through time and space
Deep in the woods where there was nothing safe
They told me it would fix me, program me to behave
I'll never be able to hide the scars that place gave
Locked away, beaten, berated and abused
It wasn't until later that it came out on the news
Only then was it shown that the horrors were all true
It helps to explain why the survivors are so few
They set us up for failure; set us up to lose
For most of us death was not a hard option to choose
I remember when Karlye hanged herself inside
A bathroom all alone and the staff left her to die
The behavioral modification was nothing more than just a lie
In a land with no liberty anything would fly
They flashed horrifying images rapidly up on a screen
While we listened to audio of tortured souls that screamed
Nothing there was ever what it seemed
Stuck inside the hell of Spring Creek Lodge Academy
Solitary confinement for days on end
Watching in horror as they beat your best friend
Within an inch of his life, again and again
From that day on you didn't want another to begin
They broke my mind to pieces in that place
But not matter how they tried my soul they couldn't take
Others weren't so fortunate; I've been to so many wakes
So much pain came from that place it would be impossible to fake
I hope this is the result you were looking for
When you had two men come in the night and take me out the door
I didn't talk to you for months, I came back forever changed
Like an animal, self destructive, angry and deranged
It didn't program me into the robot you wanted me to be
There is a reason over half of my fellow prisoners won't be seen
A suicide rate like that is so high
I don't blame a single one of them
Though you tried to take away their rights, they had the right to die
The only question left to answer now is why?

Watching you withdraw into yourself
Put up your walls, while all I can do is patiently wait outside of the gate
Darling, look outside the window, it doesn't have to be this way
People have died waiting for the glaciers in their heats to melt
Their faces only memories smiling blankly back from picture frames
Their families never the same again, every single heart breaks
The sight of hearts breaking is the saddest sight of all
No fight left, the weight compacts the size and shape of your soul
The walls you build to keep out compassion will become dark and lonely prisons
Please don't do this, you don't have to go through this alone
You have choices and decisions and time to fight back black skies
But if you lock yourself inside, then we may never see your light again
You and I won't be alright again and I just don't have it in me to pretend
That the walls you build are a temporary shelter from the cold
Please don't go now, please don't go

I pray to God to close my eyes
Just grant my wish this one time
Because I see too much, my heart knows too much
My heart knows the difference between ashes and dust
The difference between want and lust
Between wishful thinking and love
Now the lines are drawn, broken right down the middle of trust
"GOD!" I scream, "please send down you hand from above"
"PLEASE CLOSE MY EYES BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS TOO MUCH"
I don't want to bear witness, when our dreams turn to prisons
I don't want to have to make the obvious decisions
Because I'm afraid they will break me, they will take me
Away, back to a place from which I have so recently returned
Who knew that a broken heart could burn
Right through the cavity of the chest
Through the lining of the soul, until there was nothing left
And yet
I am still supposed to go on
Only this time I am supposed to go on without you
I don't know if that is something I can do

The crushing depths below
Suffocating in their innocence
Now it's too late to repent
As I struggle
No breath
Reaching for the surface
And I yearn
For your touch
Just one more time
My eyes affix
On the promise we once shared
But I drown all alone
You are no longer there
Do you know that
I still care
As I die, lack of air

Please tell my brother not to look for me
Tell everyone I'm not the man I used to be
Things can't get better when you can't face the change
Things are always different when they don't stay the same
The shame just built up so I had to take leave
Had to find myself somewhere cause I was down on my knees
Down, but not out, I've learned so much on my way
Learned you gotta love yourself if you wanna be okay
The sad thing is that I can never go back
The future looms ahead while the past fades to black
I know that horrible pain awaits in the wings
I know that I have to learn so many more things
So please tell my brother not to look for me
Because I have no idea where I might be
All I know is I can never look back
So wish him luck on his own journey

You werent there when I needed you most
I was never as much your son as a ghost


Drowning in the depths of severe mental afflictions
Oh don't I know this sensation so well
When everything seems to grind to a halt
While you languish inside your own hell
There is an unbelievable sense of friction
A feeling something close to nuclear fission
When we cannot break the surface
To find our sense of clarity and sanity
We struggle to survive at an unsafe depth
Where the pressure is so great we lose any sense of vanity
Where the darkness soaks into your soul with every breath
And you cannot understand how your existence has any purpose
I felt my mind slowly slipping so I swam into its sea
My bones are rusting from the acid in the mix
There is no escaping this you are sick until you die
There is no tonic or sensible quick fix
You are condemned to the dark until you cease to be
This disorder is a tragedy and i think its killing me
I'm loathe to fill my lungs with the death that exists here
But we don't have a choice; our fates are sealed
We stand out like rusted giants our sickness can't be concealed
And we live with the things that saturate us with fear
We are barely any better than the rest that exist here
We are legion but in reality we're alone
We are ****** and we are learning we can't make it on our own
We are barely treading water and so we drown
And we are taken by the sickness without resistance, without sound
I know that at any given point if I look around
I will find someone else who is on the journey down
To the blackest ocean in existence
This ocean cannot be discovered or found
It sloshes in the darkest places where you fall with little resistance
It takes you and it chokes the life out of your soul
It drowns you in sorrow so complete and so cold
And keeps you in its depths until death
Only then might your soul get a rest
But something in my heart makes me doubt it

We were barely half asleep
As you crawled from bed
So cute and drowsily, another day
Filled with pure joy
And you looked at me so coy
As I leaned in for a kiss then you were

GONE
And I snapped awake in my cold sweat
All alone with nothing left and so I broke down
And wandered aimlessly trying to jump back
Into that dream I wanted right back in that scene
What does it mean
Oh god just take me already
Dispose of this ******* husk
And as sure as at the end of all the days come all the dusk
And if I must I will do whatever it takes
Stick a needle in my veins just to orchestrate
My escape so let me slowly slip away
Back to that dream into that scene
Back to a happier time and place where I was
Not yet a disgrace
Where I could see the smile on your face
Where we were happy, and carefree
And had all the love there could be
Before I was all alone
Before my heart was set in stone

We took our dreams and crushed them into dust
Stirred them up with our own blood and spit
We built a prison to hold our souls forever
We built it up with stones made from the mix
And if the walls ever start to crumble
We'll crush more dreams and fashion bricks
Keep our hearts locked in the dark until the end of time
Until we're forced to wade across the river Styx
Only when we are stranded staring back at shore
We realize it's too late there is nothing we can fix
We never learned how to let ourselves be happy
We lived a life that was filled with tricks
While others ****** the life right from our bodies
They swelled up with disease like swollen ticks
Good decisions and outcomes mostly escaped us
On a losing streak we made horrible picks
And we never learned our lessons well
As life passed us by we just chose to sit
I have worn down the leather in the soles of my shoes
Our bones have shattered like brittle little sticks
Walking forever down a dark and desolate road
The sad part is the path was mine to choose
Now watch me stack needles end to end
And attempt to balance on the top until I lose
My footing and come crashing back down to earth
And die alone with no obvious clues
Just a dark void left in the shadows of the earth where my soul once was
And a prison built of broken dreams to show I've paid my dues
Over and over again I have fallen down
The look of your broken heart shows me you have too
We are all stuck in our own prisons of spit and dust
We have watched it all disappear down the drain
I will show you my deep black sars if I must

Now, maybe we’re beautiful, but it’s hard to discern in the dark
Trying to leave our mark on this world, but the earth is harder than our bones
We feel so alone now, could we really be so alone?
I’ll light my last match for you, but the sulphur burns quick
It’s hard to illuminate the way out with nothing but burnt matchsticks
Still, the glimpse of your face was worth my last light
Turns out we aren’t alone at all

Still, the darkness sticks to our skin like oil, blackness hanging from our frames
I shout out against the weight, waiting for you to respond because I’ll feel better when I hear you
A glimpse, summer days sitting on a park bench and I see your eyes move
What did you see then? Will we see anything again?
Fighting back against the suffocating darkness of the world is tiring
Then your response echos through the ink, and we aren’t alone anymore

The smell of the sulphur, the sound of your voice, how did we end up here and was it a choice?
A somber decision made, looking for ways to escape the life that we had to face?
I contemplate too much, the devastating memories through which we **** and pick
So I go to the wall, turn on the light switch, 4:30 AM and neither one of us lifeless
You ask me what’s wrong, I lean in for a kiss
We aren’t alone at all

All of my friends; they are on ******
I doubt I will see many of them again
Hour by hour they are dropping like flies
Not a day passes where one doesn't die
Can you imagine the pain you have to feel on the inside
A pain so deep it goes far beyond a cry
To stick a needle in your arm just to feel relief
The substance in the needle becomes your only belief
From safe happy children to roaming the streets
Dying again and again every day every week
No logic behind the willingness to throw away all you have
Sell your soul ten times over just for a forty dollar bag
I can relate to the madness that becomes every day
I can relate to the struggle that comes in so many ways
I can relate to the attraction of chemically induced bliss
I know what its like when your whole life is ****
And so the dealers get rich
While my friends fade away
Looking gaunt, hollow, and sick
Passing slowly through nights and days
It makes me sick
Knowing what someone will do for a fix
Once proud sons and daughters now
On the corners ******* *****
Black tar becomes the holy grail
Black tar becomes your heart
It ensures you will always fail
You will pass into a hell of dark
All my friends are on ******
I wont be seeing any of them again
They were noble and proud and right and so good
And they all end up in coffins of satin and wood

Why did the light go out inside your eyes?
Why did the music stop, and in it's place you only found
Deafening silence, why didn't you make one single sound
Telling anyone that you needed help, you ended your life in violence
Left a little girl scarred, when she found you swinging there
You had to know that she would forever be altered, never the same
Yet you went on anyway
Is it because you were sick, did you just not really care?
When you left your body swinging in the shadows in the middle of despair
So maybe it's not fair,  It wasn't to others
Not your wife or your daughter or your two older brothers
Who still wake up thinking of your green eyes, but remember them being nothing but grey
Filled with a pain you couldn't shake that let you take yourself away
When you were tying the final knot, did you think of the boy scouts?
About how you felt completely alone but kept a smile on your mouth
Because you knew what you were learning was something that would one day
Allow you to escape from the discolored family photo that you left framed
Hanging on the wall, though everyone told you that you should just throw it away
Escape, and a self hate to which I can very much relate
No, it isn't you, it's your illness that is to blame
Not that it makes it any easier for her to deal with her pain
Can you imagine, the sight of your indestructible father at the end of a rope?
"One day he was here", she whispered, "and the next was just a ghost"
And so she sits there, with tears streaming down her face
As blank stare after blank stare tell her everything will be okay
But that memory is not erasable, that torture inescapable
And she feels, just like you did, like no one really understands her at all

Now look here baby girl it's only natural to be depressed

You're bound to see the bad things when you're looking for the best

The best is what you deserve; I don't want to see you settle for less

Please remember that I'm thinking of you when life seems like its a mess

I hear it in your so sad voice, I know you'll get up off the floor

Just remember that if one door shuts, well it's only just a door

A girl like you in a world like this is bound to see so many more

You just have to keep moving onward and upward just like you have before

When the going gets tough and you feel all alone and you're unsure of what to do

All I can say is that you've got a friend in me, a friend who wont ever leave you

I'll be by your side, until one of us dies, through the good times and the bad

I hope you know it hurts my soul to see you be so sad

So take my hand, use my love like a crutch to limp through troubled times

I don't expect a **** thing in return, its enough for me to know you'll be fine

I promise I can relate entirely to the anxiety that you feel

This life of mine has been crazy and sublime; anxiety is part of the deal

I know what its like to have such bad anxiety that you miss another meal

And no matter how tired you are you can't sleep

So my heart goes out to you sweetheart, and I swear every single word I say is true

I'll be here through the good and the bad; I'll be right here with you

Even if right here constitutes an actual distance that is a million miles away

I'm right by your side in spirit, I just want you to be ok

The little kid had nothing to do with it
Lying on the sidewalk, bleeding life onto the pavement
I want go back in time, see his face as he heard
The sound before the bullet hit
And split into tiny fragments like memories
Do you think his place in heaven is assured?
I don't think he will get in, no his life was too cheap
All this over forty pieces of paper owed to the street
Forty worthless nothings, well they don't mean ****
Blasted away by senseless hate while the real target sits
All strung out, forty feet away
Later on the ****** celebrates, it wasn't his day
He lay on the pavement, a modern day Jesus
Sacrificed for a modern day Judas
Forty pieces of paper for a life isn't ****
So many lives impacted as the bullet hits
I want to look into his eyes as the impact occurs
Does his soul pour out, does he see what he's worth?
Forty pieces of paper, a senseless crime
The shooter still loose, never to face time
The modern Judas thought that low sum was worth
while the modern Jesus is forever cursed

How did I let myself go down to that place?
Dying slowly as I sped up and down the interstate
Everything had been great
Until reality came crashing with all it's weight
And I felt like a waste
Bleeding out half dead and disgraced
Forever hopeless forever displaced
My dreams shattered and misplaced
They all died there in that place
The searing memory of the look on your face
As I screamed and clawed at the ground
Just trying to plead my case
Withdrawal set in, from the drugs and from myself
I didn't foresee ever getting out
Normalcy didn't exist for me; it hurt so bad I shout
And screamed and clawed at the ground
Do you know what its like to dig a hole so deep
That from the inside it looks just like a grave
And you know you might not make it out alive
After all the love you gave
At that point my only choice was to be brave
I knew that God wouldn't come and save me
As I am standing here before you can you see
That that person is not who I wanted to be
I dug myself out of my own grave and I'm alive
I've been through so much and I've survived
You aren't the only one who is surprised
I was sure I would die by 25
Somehow now I am here with you today
I am damaged now but I know I'll be ok
And I'm ready to get going on our way
Through treacherous roads to a better place
A place where we are sound and safe
Where the darkness only comes when it is late
If you look closely you can see the dirt under my nails
Do you know what that dirt entails?
Its a sign that life is so frail
I was buried alive but I refused to fail
I'm stronger now, and smarter too
I've learned from what I've been through
Now there is only one thing left to do
Have to keep pushing onward upward always
Through harsh nights and desolate days
Through mist and through mistakes you've made
Don't ever stop climbing up
Don't ever admit that you've had enough
Even if you have to dig yourself up
And out of a grave that you dug yourself
Even if maybe you think you belong there
If you give up you'll die
I know it's hard but dig yourself out of the grave
Keep living so you can feel alive

Like a desperate feeling that you can't seem to escape
Like having a fate that simply means you'll be erased
I can't take, the enormity of it all, the violence of a car crash happening
With soul rending surety, and knowing you have to feel the pain
At least for a moment, before you fade away into ether
Into the black that is the great beyond
The hardest things aren't easy
The hardest thing is death

Trying to sleep with a heavy heart
Is like trying to read in oppressive dark
It's like trying to breathe under crushing weight
It's like trying to escape a useless fate
The heavy heart comes about so quick
Upon the realization that your one love is sick
When at one moment she claims we were meant for eachother
How lonely it can be in the eyes of another
Trying to sleep with a heavy heart
While the world outside rips itself apart

******* will you all stop with your pseudo-intellectual ******* please
You're killing me
So busy trying to fit fancy vocabulary
Into the structure where your heart should be!
There's no heart I see, and ******* with the argument
That swears are not intelligent
At least they invoke some sort of feelings
Instead of 18 stanzas of irrelevance
Your aristocratic airs are pathetic and irreverent
Come back down to earth now, you drink coffee like the rest of us
Another armchair poet pizza stained can stand among the best of us
I want to feel the pain you try desperately to convey
Not spend 20 minutes looking up definitions in a dictionary
I want to know who you love and why
Describe the scene around you at the moment that your friend died
Stop it with your intellectual *******, please
Simply describe to me how your heart did bleed
Upon the lack of the presence of your lovers touch
You try too hard and harp too much

And there was a breaking sound
When your heart fell out
Through the crack in your chest where your rib cage cracked under the stress
With the weight of the world on your shoulders  
You looked down at the shattered dark red pieces on the ground
It's funny how you thought that something as fickle as love could hold us
Through bright days, and dark nights
The hundred ways you convinced yourself that you would be alright
It's almost as if the lies you told yourself papered over the stress cracks
The ones that became obvious in the sleepless moments of the night
Started walking, one foot gingerly placed ahead of the other
Leaving all the broken mosiac pieces to continue to fall and land where they may
Never bending down, never picking up
Mouth moving violently but there were no words to say
Stress cracks, blood drains, first slowly until you stumbled in an obvious way
Pieces fell, broken heart, love had left you and the implication tearing you apart
All alone, stop walking, mouth no longer moved because you stopped talking
Look ahead, dark nothing left, the human heart could only take so much stress

Trapped in an obelisk built to contain only pure beliefs
We tore the icons down off the barren walls
We had no choice but to take our falls, and **** it all
We can't except anything less than pure defeat
We have been put here by our peers and our fellow man
The fact we don't share their beliefs doesn't register on their scale
Instead they would rather run and impale
Die as martyrs or at least try and fail
Instead, I am going to do all that I can
To make life better for everyone I know
In the end I will not let you die alone
No one here has to put on a show
Lets rip apart our hearts like hyenas in the dark
Caring about nothing because the future looks so stark
Then I realize that I have torn the Icons down
I realize that I have navigated the pitfalls that lie around
What happens when you fall, do you really want to know?
Do you want the description of the horrors that you're shown
When you make the mistake of speaking to soon
When you realize that you might have something to lose
And you retract your former statements and sing a different tune
Tear those Icons down but don't you leave them lying around
Ready to corrupt and distort without evidence or sound
Destroy the Icons so the future generations may live in freedom
Don't contemplate your mission because their total control is near
Their control is the thing that we most have to fear
And it's clear
We are at a disadvantage, easily manipulated and steered
Towards paths more self destructive than they originally appeared
It is the Icons that are to blame
The remnants of the old times that bring us pain and shame.
That is why we smash them into dust
That's why we smash them because we must
When we break the Icons we dig our nails into the crust
That connects each and every one of us
Don't ever lie down to rest in the chamber of prayer
Don't ever let you guard down while passing through there
Because no one there seems to care
So all of us now, let us riot on the streets
Let us show them what we need to feel complete
Let us ask them for what we really want
Let us seek what we desire and refuse to stop

New sores open like pores over my once perfect skin
The pressure in my head is building up yet again
As the cancer eats away I'm forced to contemplate the end
I guess in death I'll find out if I have any friends
It hurts me to say it but god I'm so scared
They say don't give up hope but I'm just not prepared
Soon I will be just a shadow of my former unimpressive self
As it eats away the marrow and turns my body against itself
When its over I hope you don't realize I'm gone
I hope the little things I did will somehow carry on
There might be reminders of who I was in clouds and in songs
Though I think everyone will be too busy living to listen
Every night I lay down now I lay down to die
Sometimes for a moment, just briefly, I shed a tear and cry
And wish I believed in something high in the sky
But like most things I've found out that heaven is a lie
So in all truth, yes, I am scared of the end
I am in no way prepared for the end
But the tumor is growing, so I'll send my love while I can
To all of you, everyone, incase I don't wake up again

A black heart as cold as the oceans below
A broken heart left to wither and slow
Did I consider it? The consequence?
Of trying but failing to reach for the sky?
I don't think I ever understood the implications
Of learning the answer to the question why
When I learned the answer my lust for life was killed
My shallow sense of hopelessness was filled
Set back every time and forced to rebuild
My idealism was riddled with holes of misconception
Lies just keep coming from inexplicable directions
And I'm glaringly aware of my every imperfection
Why do I bother to struggle through my days?
Like a rat without a clue I'm lost in the maze
When I hold the map I always choose the wrong ways
And I am too old to think that this is just a phase
This is never ending; this is considered real
There is no room for happiness in what you should feel
I don't think I can live like this
I can't live with the memories of the friends I miss
I can't deal with all of my past transgressions
God doesn't love me because I don't do confessions
I'm not important so I don't get exceptions
I just sink down into the depths of depression
How many times am I expected to fight back?
When do you throw in the towel against the attack?
The attack that forms the very basis of life
A life that is filled with so much terror and strife
Every day beats me down; it's harder to get back up every time
It becomes impossible to convince myself that I'm fine
So my heart turns black like coal from the mines
As my soul finds shelter in a simple configuration of lines
Soon this will be all that's left of me
I will never live up to the person I want to be
Some might label my loss a catastrophe
Remember I told you from the beginning that I was a mess?
From the day you first saw me you knew I was depressed
And we shared and understanding that if I were to go
It would be no ones fault but my own
Please don't try to stop it now
I can't handle what this world has in store
But I promise I will be by your side forever
And you wont have to deal with me anymore
Im sorry if you are saddened by the initial shock
I love you so much and I'll miss you a lot
But the only permanent way out of this mess
The only way to stop feeling so much more less
Is to hang it up at the end of a rope
Until the end separates the pain from my ghost
Out of everyone I hope you understand the most
Because you and I were so close
I don't want to leave you but I've got to go
I can't do this again my heart is so low
Please let me make the journey in peace
A journey with a destination so incredibly sweet
A destination defined by never ending sleep
I want to die, dear, and we both know it was in the cards
We both knew my future was always marred
Don't miss me too much; I won't leave you side
I'll always be with you long after I've died
And on the day that it happens I hope you won't cry
I will be so content to forever just lie
I dont deserve anything i have any way
I dont deserve the promise of another day
I dont deserve friends and i dont deserve you
So I think that dying is the best thing to do
Killing myself will be easy
Leaving you will be harder than you know
But I'm finally beaten down and broken
I'm sorry but I've got to go

I ripped my heart right out of the cavity of my chest
I left it bleeding and beating on the platform where the train was
I left it pooling in its own black blood while I stepped
Onto the train that had to take me away from our love
As if there was any other feeling that I could expect
Except the pain that the distance insidiously creates
A pain so severe it leaves me here trying to connect
As the train rumbles on and our lives separate
All week long I sit alone in silence and reflect
How we are so malleable in the hands of our own fates
And with your heart beating within me I can respect
How much pain we are willing to take just to try and make
This love grow, for it is more powerful than anyone knows
I am bleeding out for it so I know it isn't fake
I left my heart there on the platform because its yours to take
And the pain, it can seem so oppressing and extreme
Endless days are endlessly longer without you or so it seems
Because I have to leave something that's come to mean
So much to me, you are the woman of my dreams
There is nothing I wouldn't endure to bring your love to me
So don't you see, now we have each others hearts?
We have each others pain when we are forced to part
And we have had each others love right from the start
And though it hurts I will never let go
Even if  my flesh starts to tear so slow
If I am ripped in half, so be it, at least I died that way for you
Every second apart from you is like forever and there's nothing I can do
I left my heart there for you with no regret
Ripped it right out of my trembling breast
I am no way perfect and sometimes I regress
But with you I know I can be at my best
So I ripped my heart right out there in open air
And I left it for you because I know that you care
I am going to love you forever through the distance
For you the pain isn't too much to bear

As I lay here I think of how I couldn't lie to you
How I just want to provide for you
How I would gladly die for you
A million miles away, through all of time and space
You're the only thing I think of while I'm lying here awake
You are the only one I dream of when I'm sleeping in this place
Soon, so soon, it will just be me and you
You and I, side by side, consoling each other at the end of time
I will be the man of your dreams; you're already the woman of mine
I have never laid eyes on a soul so sweet and fine
Our conversations make the world around me seem sublime
And though  I have never held you in a loving embrace
Or had the chance to wipe the tears of the past off of your face
The moment is coming, and I eagerly await
for the destined day when I sit on the train so that we can learn our fate
I am possibly the luckiest man on the face of the entire earth
to be able to talk to you every morning; its the thing that I do first
When you send me your parting message at the end of every day
My heart melts into puddles and I smile; everything else goes away
I just want you to know dear, that with your heart I won't play
It is possible that our heart have been on a collision course
from the very beginning of time
I hope you will give me your heart
You already have all of mine
I am riding in on my big silver horse
So soon, my love, so soon
I just want to whisk you away to a place we can stay
Where I can give you the sun and the moon

Little letters rearranged, thoughts become entwined
As I sit here so desperately trying to speak my mind
Speak of beauty and love and how you are so kind
But I can't come up with the answer, because no words combined
Can explain the power of my feelings, describe how you left me reeling at first sight
Left me dreaming till first light through the nights and the bright days
No this is not some fake phase, no this is something real
And the words fail at their job of conveying how I feel
Because there is one phrase, overused and abused
The "I love you's" and equally ubiquitous "I love you too's"
Worn out through the ages like our favorite pairs of shoes
So let me show you, that all I want forever is to know you
And that I owe you more than all the gratitude found in this earth
And so I'm cursed, forever bound by these simple little words
When I want you to read is the love and the sunlight, even if it sounds absurd
So I'm begging you, bear with me, for this is just a simple beginning
To a journey, one which we can walk down the same path together
And though these words will be inadequate forever
Well you know me, as I know you, and striving for perfection is what I do
Though the goal is just never quite in reach, I'll still try to tell you and paint pictures in your head that you can see while you're asleep
So please dear, accept my apologies that these words cannot give you a sense of how much you mean to me
Because the feelings underneath are so strong and I swear that as long as I have a chance to breathe
I'll give you all my love until we both fade off into eternity, and cease to be
And our journey brings us into the next life together
Though the words might not show it I swear I'll love you forever

I wake up in the morning, I drag myself out of bed
Sometimes I don't know where I am
Why I feel the way I feel, why I do the things I do
In those moments, when I can't find it, for inspiration I look to you
And I gather up my strength, it comes in waves against the shore
Just as you do when you don't know if you can take anymore
Then I hit my knees, I pray to never lose the sight of what we share
Lose the feeling that is without equal, to which nothing can compare
Then I'm standing there, inhaling cold smoke into my lungs
Thinking of all the things we've never said or never done
Thinking of our future, or sometimes cringing at my past
Because back then I was alone but now I have found this love at last
And so I cast all my fears and doubts into the sea
Before they bury me, no I will not let us drown
I'll lift you as you lift me when I am feeling down
And I'll kiss you as you kiss me and there needn't be a sound
Except for our beating hearts and breathing, well that may be a little loud
Because I see you in my minds eye and I gasp, yes you take my breath away
I swear I love you more at the dawning of each day, and it's okay
For us to be imperfect as we are, because the carnage of our baggage has left us covered with a million tiny scars
We've come so far, and now it's time for us to heal, for us to learn
That though love is just a tiny little word
That can be uttered in an instant, can be spoken from some distance
It's true meaning is infinite and when it sparks it burns persistent
Your strength and inspiration keep the fire ever growing in my heart
As long as it doesn't burn out we will never have to part
And like art, which is understood by only a very few
Our love beautiful and growing, the perfect amalgam of me and you

There was nothing left and things seemed so surreal
You seemed so far away as if in a dream
When I finally died and you just screamed
All I heard was your voice reaching through the blackness
I leave this life so reluctantly
The needle with the poison still stuck in me
I was so sick; why couldn't you see?
There is no hope in reaching through the blackness
Now I am gone and you are left with all the blame
Your tears will sear and burn with shame
And you will never be the same
When you see me in your dreams at night
Just remember that my life was filled with lies
And when you realize that something isn't right
Just remember me and my dark plight
That led me tumbling through the blackness
And when depression grips your very soul
And you don't know which way to go
Deep down inside you will always know
At the end you will be lost  the blackness

I walked by and heard your voice
I looked around but I couldn't find you
For every love that didn't mind you
I can't just wait forever and sit
In a place without you; it's just not a choice
But you weren't here and I swear I heard your voice
Filled with so much beauty and poise
That every other voice just fades to noise
It is such a shame that I am all the way over here
In a land where all the men are mere boys
Where insanity reigns and everyone plays petty games
Children don't have love, just plenty of toys
Nothing around here is as it may appear
But with you everything is so crystal clear
Not here, everything is hazy in this place
People act out of frustration and fear
The anguish and hopelessness is thrown in your face
I will not succumb to this misery, darling
I will find my way to you or I will forever be disgraced
I would forever be shamed
For though the distance is a temporary pain
Our hearts still beat the same
On mine you've staked your claim
And regardless of flames or the rain
Or the end of the earth due to drastic climate change
I am making my way to you to love you
Until the end of all of time because I am yours
and through the void you are mine
It's through the void that I hear the beauty of your words
And though you aren't here I am coming to you
Because a love like ours deserves to be heard
Where I am now is ripping at me; making me depressed
And you deserve nothing but the best and I am so blessed
to have the opportunity to love you like you deserve
So I am coming there and getting out of this place
So that I don't have to hear your voice echoed by ghosts in the space

I still remember how the distance tricked us,
and lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.
I still remember how we held so strong to this,
though we had never really settled on a way out.
I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way
to turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.
My dear, I hear your voice in mine.
I've been alone here, I've been afraid, my dear.
I've been at home here. You've been away for years. I've been alone.
I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.

This is for my best friend
You were beautiful, and loved, you had so much left to give
I can't believe it's already been two years
No matter where I go you still find a way to make your presence clear
I still carry the weight of your life everywhere
Like whenever I see sunflowers I run to the spot they live just to see if you are there
When you told me I had a gift
I swear your face is scarred into the back of my eyelids because I see you when I sleep
I see you in my dreams just doing everyday mundane things or maybe smiling
When I got the phone call from Eileen, I dropped down onto my knees and screamed, bursting into tears
Realizing we are weaker than we feel or seem is pretty humbling
When people ask how I'm doing now, it's more an instinctual reaction to reply "well me, I'm just fine"
Blame it on an indifferent demeanor, or on an educational system that forces teachers to teach students to fill in bubbles and not use their minds
I guess they don't read what is said in between the lines
That I'm overwhelmed by the presence of your absence
Unanswered questions on repeat of why'd this happen, why it happened
When we all know I was far more reckless and less loved than you
I had a conversation with someone I love greatly the other day and we were talking about why I never feel like I'm doing enough
And it didn't occur to me that I can never do enough because now that you're gone I'm living for two
I love fully, my life is a vivid picture of possibilities and realized dreams of being of service to others in recovery from this disease
But vivid pictures stand in Stark contrast to the piece of my heart that you took when you left, now a hole shaded grey in what was once a beautiful place
Just like yesterday, I was speaking to a group of people in a detox and it was just a room full of people and they all had your face
"Live for yourself, don't live vicariously", a lofty idea hammered home through a million motivational speakers and yet
You don't really have a choice, because if you don't live through me in my mind you might not even be alive at all

I found her bright and beautiful hiding in plain sight
When we met it was immediately set; it felt so right
We only had met in person for one day and one night
But if she asked me to stay forever I just might
There was no time; no space
Nothing but the two of us in that place
Two souls touching with caring grace
While everything around us faded away
With her I would forever stay
There is no doubt I will love her every day
Do my best to make her happy in every way
Because she means so much to me
We understand eachother in ways hard to believe
It might not be easy but I couldn't see
Something so beautiful wash out to sea
With her forever is where I want to be
My love and I, we have been hurt before
She doesn't deserve to be hurt any more
And the kindness she shows makes me so sure
That hurt is not what my future has in store
She means more to me than words can express
She deserves the best and I will give her nothing less
There is no thing on this earth
That could stop me from reaching her
Her kindness and humor is what I've always looked for
No mountain too high or distace too great
Could interfere with what can only be fate
She has a beautiful soul
I'll never let it go
She takes me as I am
She opens her heart to understand
And it's like I've known her my whole life
It seems like I've known her from the beginning of time
She opened her heart to me and offered it freely
And the she knows that she has mine
It won't be easy; relationships are never easy
But its so nice knowing we will be fine
I have never been so incredibly happy
This love is so amazingly devine
We have waited for all time
For this moment when our shooting stars collide
For this perfect moment
Where I am yours and you are mine

Sometimes everything is broken
Sometimes everything is fine
Once in a while my pain is your fault
Mostly it is mine
Did Jesus ever get depressed
Do you think maybe he got down?
The only man who could walk on the water
Maybe instead wanted to drown?
I can relate to mixed emotions
I know what it's like to swing between extremes
Sometimes I feel like I could move mountains; oceans
Sometimes I just want to cease to be
The wild ride through downs and ups
There is medication that takes all of that away
Caring to much and not giving a ****
Knowing tomorrow wont ever feel just like today
If we are made in the image of God
Coming into this world chosen and anointed
Why is there times I feel like a fraud?
Why so often do we leave disappointed?
Does God take his Lithium
His SSRI's and his benzo's too?
If we are made in his perfect image
Then why can perfect feel so blue?
why is it that we all have something wrong?
Some deficiency or disorder
And why should we take our medication
When God is so bipolar?

What will I find?
At the bottom of the riverbed
Will I find our hearts down beneath the sand and stones?
The silt and the bones and the millions of reasons why
It's only with you in my arms I feel at home?
I might have to wait a thousand years for the surface to erode
On top of the thousands I've spent all alone
But I know that when the river washes away
All the fear and uncertainty, both of our pasts filled with pain
I'll sift through the dirt like a miner sifts for gold
And I'll find two hearts beating, so beautiful and bold
I'll find that our two hearts beat as one, and that they have for eternity
Just like the fire of my love for you continuously burns in me
Then I'll look into your eyes, and see your beautiful mind
And for the rest of our lives we can know peace, and smile

Can you feel what I'm feeling, now, when I think of her?
I can't imagine everything in those final moments, just a blur
We had given up love, just friends, and I was sad to hear she was dead
So I thought of her story, how she shared it all so openly
How she had been acting so insane, how she thought she'd beaten pain
She said then that she didn't need to run from fear any more

Can you feel what she was feeling, then, when the specter of fear
Kicked down the door she had closed and made himself clear
We weren't in touch then, no longer close friends, but it hurt to hear of her loss
It hurt to hear that her demons had exacted the ultimate cost
She drowned in the sea of misery and was lost

Can you picture what her father saw, later, when he found
Her swinging from the rafters, can you picture the disaster
Streaked mascara running down her cheeks and an utter lack of sound
Until his cries for help pierced that veil, because he thought that he had failed
To save her, not realizing he never even had a chance at all

I can see it and feel it all, forever, when someone's misery
Takes them to a place so dark that they can't see
And makes them extinguish their own flame while trying to find some light
When it takes them from despair into the endless depths of night
Can you feel it too? Can you imagine it all?
Someone who stopped the fight just to fall?
Misery loves company, and I have no one else to blame
Because I feel like I'll be the next to fall victim to my shame

I can't seem to bridge
The gap between
Who I am
Who I was
What I do unaligned with what I've done
It's all still unbelievable to me
Looking at where I'm from
How did I end up with so much to give?
So much love
A tainted past
A broken man
Washed out lines drawn in the sand
Yet here I stand, unafraid
Letting go of mistakes oft made
The past no longer consumes my day
I'm whole now in a blessed way
Who I was
Who I am
Standing strong in victory yet again
The weight of the world brought me to my knees
But standing back up brought me
To being the man I was meant to be

Surrounded by the multitudes yet feeling so alone
Dreaming of your drug abuse while out there on your own
The silence plays a different way when you are lying by yourself
Somehow you found something so special in a connection with someone else
It's killing me to have to see the distance play its part
But the distance became much smaller when you lifted up my heart
Still sleeping here without you has a withering effect
So get here soon so me and you can sit down and reflect
And pierce the veil of quite loneliness in ways we can't expect

Some days, I swear I can feel you
On the ocean breeze, during the rising tide
As if the ocean will subside and reveal you
Then you'll be whole again because the cleansing water heals you
At least that's what you always insisted, that's what you said
Where was the water when we opened your door then?
How about when I couldn't feel you with me at all?

Please come back
Let us know you're safe, that you're okay
Don't leave us sitting any longer, suffering for days
Wondering what happened, when your thoughts changed
Will we ever see you again?
Will have to identify you in the hospital, fresh tracks on your arm?
Will you leave us, your friends?
Oh God, please don't disappear, please don't do yourself anymore harm
We are praying for you, and it means nothing because God isn't here any more

The sadness sinks in, as the apple falls right from the tree
Into a grave, filled with ashes and the broken pieces of promises made
Where once before, there were passion and praise
Now lies only sadness and the tears to wash the memories away
And as the day dawns, no I don't want to see the sun again
Even though I have to, because you'll never see your son again
You'll never hear the words of us mere mortals who barely knew you
The ones who tried so desperately to stop the pain from ripping through you
The only words left for you to hear are those of God now
As an angel you won't concern yourself with our questions of How
Because it was never for us to know
It is only for those who's souls are above, and bodies below