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Timothy Kenda Feb 2014
Letting go of the past is so much harder than it seems
When its ghosts haunt the air around you
And assault you in your dreams
Now I look into the future and nothing is how it seems
And I am slowly letting my life slip away from me

Like a Phoenix from the ashes I fought and rose again
And sat atop the highest perch grinning in the wind
But then I was beaten down by the weight of all my sins
Now the ghosts that were the enemy, well they are now my only friends

I've sat alone and cried, has it been months, has it been years?
Is the earth really dry enough to soak up all my tears?
Self pity gets you no where but my reality has become my fears
And the veil of strength and success has gone from black to sheer

One by one they left me, all the people close from time gone past
They marched away to live and grow until I was left at last
The only one stuck inside my prison oh my how time does pass
Now I sit with their ghosts inside the mudbrick walls as death approaches fast
I'm not strong in my convictions so I wont go out with a blast
And the research shows that from the time I was born my die had been cast

Living here in a foreign world, withering away in fear
Screaming silently in my head oh please come back my dear
But her ghost replies that she is gone and I can feel it near
The black hole of my future expands and everything becomes so clear

Without me the sun will rise and time will still move on
The tides will shift and happiness will reign whether I'm here or gone
A man should not have to suffer a life in which he doesn't belong
So he sits and waits for death to grasp him with its melancholy song
How could I have been so wrong
In the last few months I have lost everything dear to me. Love, my job, my family. And depression has such a grip on me that I am stuck, forced to inaction like a deer in the headlights. I just don't know anymore.
Timothy Kenda Apr 2018
The fire ripped through his mind, fed with oxygen from the cold northern wind
Each change of direction shattering window panes, shards of glass left to lie and reflect the light onto the ash where once feelings had been
Balloon framed tenements, built of century old, tinder dry wood burst readily into flames
They say where there is smoke, there's fire, did the memories living in dire predicaments have any chance at all of escape?
Her words ripped through him, "I wont ever believe you" after the thought brushed his lips "I would never deceive you"
The smoke of small distance, little pockets of silence and days spent mostly quiet and listless
Weren't heeded as the warning of the raging inferno that was to come
These memories came back to him, ten years later, as the smell of hope turned into smoke and caused his eyes to tear
After the fire, there were certain, seemingly insignificant details laid plain, and though he had swept up the ash and glass he knew he would never again be the same
Fire, much like pain, leaves noticeable scars that no amount of time can ever erase
And though he now knew why she had said those words that day, the scenes of the fire still played through his mind, the smell of smoke
Once happy memories stained by soot, now resembled nothing so much more than haunting ghosts
He stood there, on the front steps, not wanting to ask questions for which he already had answers
Nothing was different here, but somehow everything had changed since the disaster had left doubt formed into shrapnel lodged deeply in his brain
Ten years later, he was still cripplingly afraid
Matchstick in hand and a surface ready for the strike
To replay once again the anguish and agony of that night
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I remember when I met you, sitting across the table at a facility
That was supposed to cure us of our ills, clean up our lives and spills
It was a place so many hated, but back then it meant so much to me
Neither of us could see much beyond the pain of the past
Though the rays of hope did their best to shine through the glass
Glass that was cracked and shattered and smeared with black
But sitting in that room that day, I swear I can say now
That I saw a ray glance across your face
It wasn't the last time I would see it in that place
And even if we have grown apart since then
Gone back home to answer for all of our sins
I don't ever want you to forget that hope had touched you once, and        can touch you again
Don't lose faith, gather strength from the fact
That all times, good and bad, will pass
And though you hope that the pain won't last
Remember every scar you've gathered along the way
Is just one more piece of proof that you're alive for another day
And it's okay, yes it's alright, to fight through the dark times
Because you'll find another ray of hope as long as the sun shines
Timothy Kenda Sep 2013
He was swept out to sea and lost to the treacherous waves
His head broke water once or twice but he couldn't be saved
God did smite him to spite him for all  the love that he gave
And he looked up to heaven and he forgave
As he washed away there was no earthly thing that he craved
For what good does it do to curse
When disaster strikes you while you're at your worst
And you are stuck wishing the waves had taken you first
And dragged you out forever to sea
He found himself unable to break through the current, so he ceased to be
His forlorn lover waited like a stone upon the beach
To catch just a glimpse of the man she could no longer see
A man who had taught her what it was to be free
Now is it fair that he had to go?
Is it right that nobody knows
Where his soul went after his body went down below
Dragged out into eternity by the undertow
So she sits and waits for his return
Though it was long ago that his fate was learned
Because still her body yearned
For his seasick touch, caring and concerned
Then one day she finally broke down
As the waves receded and there in the sound
She found his body drowned
And his soul was no where in sight
The whole time he had watched her on that beach
Forever waiting and wanting but out of reach
"I'll be here waiting forever" he silently screamed
Just waiting for her to cease to be
And as she walked out in the waves
She looked to the sky to not be saved
And at that point she was filled with dismay
She didn't know if she'd find him there
At the end the air burst from her lungs
The ******* sound of the sea made her undone
And they were reunited as one
Two souls lost forever at sea
There was such beauty in her death
Her fearless attempt to reach across the stretch
of desolate darkness past the confines of the flesh
Just to find that she would be with her lover yet
Under the waves forever
Timothy Kenda Oct 2013
And as he lit himself on fire
he though "you are all just liars"
And he knew deep in his heart
We wouldn't die for our beliefs
As the flames grew ever higher
and the man became a pyre
We realized right from the start
We were never really complete
And as we watched this martyr burn
Before us into ashes he did turn
We knew that he knew what it all really means
He would burn for his beliefs right out there on the street
For all of us to see he burned right in front of me
Sending a terrifying message with his manufactured scene
It is obscene, that we won't even stand up for our dreams
We get herded just like cattle to the end of everything
But that man, he went and chose a different way
He didn't want to be herded for another ******* day
I appreciated all his rage and his savage final play
And I think I understood right then what he was trying to say
Screams sounded out from the hollows in the daylight
As the people rushed towards ash and dust just so that they might
Help to save a poor depraved and crazed man with firm beliefs
It was at that moment that I felt like I could finally see
I doused myself and shouted out against the worlds injustice
I followed the example and led the most extreme of protests
I wept and screamed as my body burned, though I am not much of a crier
But sometimes in order to change the world you must set yourself on fire
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
I lie awake, some nights
Silent music in my head turns down such a sad alleyway, and it's dark there
But really I can be happy most of the time, I swear, just give me time
Preferably during the daylight hours
Protected from the memories that climb through picture frames on the borderlines of sleep
The smoke on the bedroom walls won't ever leave
And I'm so sick of my mind playing tricks
Letting me fall into playing the game
The one where I find myself guessing at things that won't ever be
I can be alright, at least most of the time
When I'm not, that's fine too, I'll get by and get through
But in the confines of bedroom walls at midnight
It's hard to lie and say I don't miss you
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
.
I lie awake, some nights
Silent music in my head turns up and down
But really I can be happy most of the time, I swear, just give me time
Preferably during the daylight hours
Protected from the memories that climb through picture frames on the borderlines of sleep
The smoke on the bedroom walls won't ever leave
And I'm so sick of my mind playing tricks
Letting me fall into playing the game
The one where I find myself guessing at things that won't ever be
Like sunflowers growing in the winter
I can be alright, at least most of the time
When I'm not, that's fine too, I'll get by and get through
But in the confines of bedroom walls at midnight
It's hard to lie and say I don't miss you
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I took your love I took your pain
I got left holding all the blame
Now it's time for my long walk in the rain
Through the heartache and back again
The bough was bent beneath the weight
It cracked in half in the hands of fate
When it learned the sorry's were all too late
It retreated back into that place to break
As I took my heart and gave it away
I asked you to keep it warm and safe
You promised me with a smile that it would be okay
As it shattered beneath the flame
Now I'm picking up scattered shards
My life not measured in time, but yards
The distance for us is too hard
Love for me isn't in the cards
Because we threw the jokers from the deck
I didn't know they'd be all that's left
So as the final wave does crest
I pray that it drags me out to sea
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
Movie frames, playing on the dark backsides of closed eyelids
The things we thought we conquered fighting back against our sleep
The mistakes we made and guilt and shame and regrets played on repeat
But they can't define us unless we allow the weight of them pull us under
The places in the grey, sticking spikes into our veins to orchestrate temporary escapes
I can sense the desperation seep through your skin when we talk of them
Please don't go back, I'll walk through the movie screens and shattered dreams to stand by you
Please don't go back to the dark where we can't find you
I've been there before, lost hope, lost sleep
Standing in self imposed prisons, broken and alone again
It's not a place a bright soul like yours should ever be
But if the weight drags you below, back to where you never thought you would be
I'll do all I can to break you out, forget the movies and my lack of sleep
Timothy Kenda Mar 2016
The look in your eyes doesn't look like you anymore
The dark circles under your eyes, the smell of smoke upon your clothes
And you haven't said a word in hours, because you don't speak, you close
Every inquiry off with misdirection and no's
We know you aren't okay, dear, you can't hide it from anyone
Especially when you can't keep the secrets from yourself
How can you expect to get your pain past everyone else?
When the world turns to ****, you try to disappear
Your look changes, you give up on everything you hold dear
You run to those you hate, because you feel you won't get through
But you know when you leave, I'll look for where you flew
Because even when you can't love you, well, I still adore you
And when your look isn't the same, that's okay
Because I'll help you find yourself again anyway
And for all the time your silent, I still hear the chiming of your laugh
I still see you there smiling, our love transparent like glass
I know you can't understand it right now, and that's fine
Because you'll come to understand our love in time
One day you'll be ready, and you'll finally take my hand
And we can float up into space as planned
Timothy Kenda Jul 2018
When I left, footprints depressed into the dirt on the side of the road
Soon to be blown away by the wind, or covered in snow
I knew I would never be coming back
I hadn't told anyone, with only a sweatshirt to cover against the biting cold
I didn't bring a bag because a bag signals a journey
I just started walking because I knew I had to go

I thought, and I kept thinking, and tears kept filling my heart
I didn't bring a bucket to evacuate the water, but it never came close to sinking
Because I knew I had to go for a reason, and wherever I ended up would be peaceful
And beautiful
And whether I found you there or not, there would be quiet
My heart needed the silence I knew would be provided by the forest and the snow
I didn't know where I was going but I knew I had to go

For all of the days I spent, counting down the seconds until the moment of my demise
The days I spent in the noise, just looking for love
But only finding blank expresdions in every pair of eyes
If I had known to just walk when I felt I needed it
To not forget the past, but not stay stuck in it
I would have left the chaotic scene so long ago
Because I've found beauty in the silence and the snow
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
You are hurt, I can see the pain there in your eyes
Some days you can't face it, and then you fly
But when you come back home to face
It all you know I'll be in place
Just like you will always be in my heart
Because being there is where I'll start
To show you how much you're really loved
So that you know when you look above
And see the stars, and see the moon
That I'll be looking at them too
I'll be here, until they disappear
Along with your pain and all your fears
So that you can share in this love with me
It's the only place I want to be
Like when I'm lying in your arms
Kissing across the surface of your scars
Each one a sign of your strength
For which I would go to any length
This love can endure all of our pain
It can weather the dark, weather the rain
I just know it to be true
If you ask me how, I'll say "I just do"
Timothy Kenda Mar 2016
You view yourself as everyone's anchor
But I see you like the sun, you've just set, and I have faith you'll rise again
For without you all of our days are just varying shades of black and grey
Your mothers tears fall from the sky like a never ending rain
You're not living but surviving, trying to **** off all your pain
But I have faith that you can face it, and though we can't erase it
We can heal as broken bones and become stronger than before
Even when the sun seems to stay set for so much longer than before
It always rises, for the blackest black comes just before the dawn
And without you all our hopes and dreams just stagger on and on
All along, I have seen it, the bright light I swear I mean it
When I say it comes from within your soul, I've seen a hopeless one or two
But that's not you, because faith can take away the very pain you can't escape
I just need you to believe that you won't break
And if you shatter all to pieces, look down at the shards that make the whole up of your past
Please see within them that even the darkest days don't ever last
Because the sun it always rises, the skies they always turn from black to blue
So please stop fighting, surrender to the light inside of you
And then shine it, illuminate the places you've been through
You'll realize it, that your fears can't get the upper hand on you
Unless you let them, unless your only though is of numbness and escape
Then I guess we'll have to wait for the sun to rise on another future date
Timothy Kenda Mar 2016
The third time writing you a letter
It's getting darker, the weather worse
I'm trying to get across all of my feelings
It's the third time it wouldn't work
The lights, they flicker, my heartbeat silent
As the hurt builds in my head
And I'm wondering if there's violence
Just hoping you aren't dead
You've been missing, for a while now
And this exercise of writing is so absolutely futile
Because there's no address, no location
No means of tracking, no simple stations
On the radio where once I heard the music of your voice
Only the sounds of your mother, sobbing at your choice
I can hear her, so very softly, withering away
As day in and day out we wait for any sign at all
Waiting for a message or a letter, or god forbid the fateful call
Third time writing you a letter, maybe one I'll never get to send
The postmaster just returns it
When the address line says lover and best friend
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I was stuck at the bottom of a well, looking up
Grating my hands across the damp walls, in futility they got cut
I had never felt such humility in all my life, the hurt and the price I would pay for trying to find the water in the first place
Then it came to me, and I came to see, gave one last desperate plea
Because the circle of light at the top grew darker but never extinguished
And I thought of all you'd been through, and through those thoughts I came to
The realization I wasn't finished, oh no my time had just begun
Because I can only imagine how you recovered, kept the faith and held the brightness of life inside your smile
Even when so many people acted vile and tried to rip your soul away
And if you never gave up, I'd be ****** if I died in that well
I'd be ****** if I didn't fight through the fires of my own hell
I felt God then, and from his hand I drank the water I so desperately needed
I tore at the walls with my soul until my own hell was quelled and defeated
Then, as I lay gasping, hanging over the lip of the pit that had taken so much of my blood and spit
I raised my eyes to the sky, because I refused to die, and and angel came down and soothed all my scars
That angel, well she looked so very much like you, the life inside her smile was one and the same
As the life we had fought for, the life I had seen in you
The grass was green, the dew was clear, the moon was bright and there was no fear
Inside my heart, anymore, no all I had left was love
The love I still have for you
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Don't you see what I've done here
The blood on my hands, my own
Mistakes and for all our sake, I better leave now
Because there are going to be consequences I can't face
I guess we'll all hurt one day
Brace yourself, but there is a slight difference at play
You can forgive yourself of your past transgressions
While mine have become my prison
It's here that I should die, maybe I never should have tried
To escape in the first place, self hate is the worst place
That we can allow our souls to reside
Can you see it now, how it's rotting at the edges
Black through and through, worn away
That is what happens when you live in this place
You die in these ways
You fail to see the light, for almost all of your days
Timothy Kenda Jun 2014
Staring at the silence that you made
The same silence that destroyed you while I was away
And today I heard nothing
Just the screaming of your voice
But that might as well be silence because I didn't have a choice
And the best things are gone only our memories plod along
Singing of all that went wrong in our melancholy songs
Do you know what it's like to dig a hole so deep
That from inside it just looks like a grave?
Do you know what it's like to run out of tears to weep
Because you know you cannot be saved
My life is so ******* depraved, then there's you
The anchor to my chain pulling me down, being blue
I used to swim against it, now there's nothing I can do
But watch it all turn to black as I separate from whats true
Timothy Kenda Oct 2013
It has brought us to this dark place
This dark void from which there is no escape
Oh my god if you could have seen your face
tearing itself apart at an incredible pace
As we were ****** into the black hole in space
A love like ours could never be replaced
And so with all my might I braced
Against the inevitable that would lay us to waste
I just hope we will be placed
In the afterlife together not catastrophically spaced
a million miles away from each other every day
I would weep with sorrow in every way
I couldn't live in the afterlife's tragic play
And I would fade away
without you, so please stay
By my side where no distance can separate
Our love that was designed by fate
Oh what a horrific time
That we had to go through in our minds
Just to find each other in the mistakes and crimes
To learn that we would be forever entwined
And its fine, the fact that we weathered all the storms
It made our souls stronger even if we had to mourn
And now my soul would be torn
If we were ever ripped apart by the waves
Oh my lover, I couldn't breath without you near me in the seas
And without you there would be no more me
Timothy Kenda Sep 2013
"I'm feeling weak in the knees
And every day of the week
Is silent and grey
And it's always the same"
Can you relate to feeling worthless
Or like you have no soul?
Do you know what it's like in the gutter?
Just a ghost with no place to go?
I do because I've been there before
Desperation rotting at your very core
No day has any sort of meaning
Something always seems wrong
Try to numb yourself to what your feeling
Always listening to the same sad songs
When everyone turns their too good backs
You have to deal with the pain
Your future bleeds the deepest black
Caught outside in endless killing rain
You don't know how your not insane
Suffering through such a lonely existence
Fell to the wayside with not a sound
The killing rain took you without any resistance
It killed your soul and left your body where it wont be found
The killing rain made every day the same
It washed everything in silence; in grey
Timothy Kenda Apr 2016
This is the moment we've lived for
That we strive for every day and that's okay
Yes that's alright, because although it took some time
I want you right here by my side so we can look into the sky
And feel alive, knowing that everything is fine
Because we have the strength in us, we were so **** sure it died
But it sat dormant through the moments in which we struggled and cried
And now here we are, brought together with all the pain behind
To experience this beautiful moment where we put everything aside
To find our strength and find ourselves, on our own yet not alone
Where we can let the beauty of the universe fill our bones
Because I look at you now, and you're smiling
I swear I've never seen anything quite like it
And I realize that right at this time I'm smiling too
While soaking up the beauty in the sky, me and you
Timothy Kenda Aug 2018
The expectation of a lack of vulnerability
Because connection is not nearly as important as saving face
Like the act of eating is not nearly as important as saying grace
Do we even have the ability to feed our souls at all?
I don't know about you, but mine had been empty for far too long
My mind consumed by the specter of future events that aren't real
The fear is there, but now I chose to hear the siren song of love instead
It rings through my head, and through it the I becomes we
We feel, and we falter, but we don't bow before dark alters
Instead thumbing our noses at weakness to stand in the meadows of the sun
Because we would rather make our mistakes in the warmth before the twilight of life comes
There is beauty in vulnerability, just as there are lessons in pain
But when the sunrise catches your ocean eyes a beautiful song is sang
I could listen to it on repeat, over and over, again and again
We are open, and worthwhile, let the future come and bring what it may
For a place where we hold hands in grace, we can chase that fear away
Timothy Kenda Sep 2013
They can never take away our pain
They can never understand all of our disappointments
They will always judge us but they will never know
We are not our failures
Do you remember times gone by when
You just felt like touching the sky and
Anything felt possible then?
Then time went by, things went wrong
With our mistakes we believed we belonged
Our mistakes led us on and on but
We are not our failures
Please believe the words between you and me
Please just see that together we
Can put to rest all of our failures
And voyage into tomorrow unafraid of falling rain
Because together we will conquer pain
We will make it through just the same
They make us who we are
Teach us lessons on the way
But they are not all of us
We are not our failures
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I'm sitting here, listening to the same song on repeat
Seeing all the same mistakes, repeat, repeat
I can't feel your soul touching mine for the first time in forever
But I'm just not able to admit defeat
So I guess I'll never sleep again, at least not until you're safe in bed
Until I can get your words out of my head
Until I can swear to you that I meant what I said
I was never worried about whatever price had to be paid
I just wanted to help the light of happiness shine on your face
Help you be content in the present time, present place
And be there to give you my hand if you did fall from grace
So my eyes are glued open, blurring the blue screen
Looking for my chance to show you what I did mean
Because I meant I love you, unconditionally
It's unlike anything you've ever seen
Timothy Kenda Feb 2015
I never thought you would leave
The way you did, with such flourish and poise
You left me feeling like a lost little boy
It did all made sense, didn't it?
The rip in our consented consciousness
Left concussions in our confidence
And we learned that if trust is never present
Well then our only chance will be heaven sent
So we left each other standing on cellar stairs
Based on our promises I wouldn't thought we'd have left everything there
Just to ascend to our new lives
It's not right
How we had to fight to get to where
We could coexist without a fight
But is it wrong to state that on this night
I miss you, and in my dreams I thought I spoke
Unto your ghost
You said everything would be fine
And I believe you, and I still do
After everything we have been through
How could I not?
So on to your ghost, I swear with my prayers
Because I can always feel you standing there
Timothy Kenda Sep 2013
Don't you dare mistake me for something that I'm not
Don't ever underestimate all that I am
Every time you think that I'm just an afterthought
I come back like cancer again and again
Ill never stop fighting
To give up is to die
Life is a battle; a beautiful battle
Fighting makes me feel so alive
So strive, everyone reach
For your goals and your dreams
No matter how impossible they might seem
The world will do its best to make sure you break
Show how much you can take and put the world in its place
Do all that you can to not just survive but thrive
It's the journey itself that makes us feel alive
People will mistake you for things you are not
People will underestimate all that you are
Live for yourself, live in the moment
Find your own self in your own heart
Love freely
Fight fiercely
Carve out your place on this earth
And fight for it; you own it
It's what you deserve
Don't let the length of the road ahead
Or the dark twists and turns throw you off track
Be all that you can be; forge ahead
You don't ever have to look back
And if you feel like you are in an inescapable hole
Remember it's all in what you make of it; you don't have to be alone
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
When I'm out carrying the message and I'm counting all my blessings
Don't ever doubt in your heart that I'm counting right on you
When I'm in my head and stressing or finding things upsetting
That is when your words strike right through
My heart, god it can be such a depressing place
And my shoulders, they are tired from bearing all the weight
Of the suffering of others, I place it squarely on myself
But I have come to find that you are of the greatest help
Yes, you are always there for me when I cannot help myself
And the abundance of wealth that springs from what we share
Even when I can't see you I always feel you standing there
When the pain is too much to bear
And when I feel like I'm about to break
When I question how much more I can take
The strength of your love envelopes my heart
Steels my soul, so that I can walk through the fire another time
Whenever I do it, when I make it through it
I always find you waiting with open arms on the other side
When you share your worries with me, of karma gone wrong
Doubts of whether what we have is real or strong
I need you to know that though we have promises and sweet words
When the times get dark I won't forget what I've heard
I won't forget what you've done
I'll never leave you alone, unless the heavens above
Open up, and rip me from your grasp
The hand of God is the only thing our love won't outlast
So keep holding me close, and I'll keep holding you
Through the trials and tribulations of all we've been through
I'll never break again
I'll never break on you

— The End —