Maybe I'm selfish
With all my misgivings and flaws
But I think you're the selfish one
With your sly smile and condescending tone
You've sat across me many times before
In this same coffee shop with the brown doors
And held my hand on top of the table
Looked into my eyes and said you'd never let go
Well, now its different and all you've done is lie
Always held your phone too close to your chest
And kept your secrets locked up tight in your mind
As I tried my best to crack the code of you
Well, now its different and all you've done is lie
Fell in love with someone else while I was clueless
As I slept in our bed in our apartment in our town
And never faltered in my love for you

Maybe I'm an idiot
With all my trust and hope
But I think you may be the idiot after all
With your fake tears and falsities
You've said it a million times before
In every inch of this room 
Spoke the words so crisply and clearly
And let them reverberate around the room
Well, now ******* because all you've done is lie
Told me there was no one else when there always was
Went to work and became someone else
Stepped out the door and lived a different life
Well, now ******* because all you've done is lie
Thought of her while you kissed me goodnight
Still slept in our bed in our apartment in our town
Even though you've been unhappy for years

Maybe I'm wrong
With my anger and desperation
But maybe you're the wrong one in the end
With your sorry eyes and apologies
Because if you were really sorry
This would've never happened at all.

She said she was fine
but under her breath 
was a heaviness that he had never encountered before.

He said he didn't hurt anymore
but in his hands
he held the heart that used to fit in his chest.

She said she was happy again
but under her tongue
she kept the bitterness of before.

He said he still loved her
but in his eyes
was a darkness that she could never escape.

I have this list in my mind
Of all the things I wish I had said
Numbered from the most important
To the frivolous passing sayings
A hello in the brisk morning light
Or a goodbye in the star filled sky

The list gets jumbled and muddled
As time moves forward without us
Knowing I had plenty of chances
To speak on behalf of my heart
But I held the words too close
Until they filled my head with thoughts of you

I say them out loud to myself
As if you were here by my side
But instead the words fall
With no one to catch them
And I’m left with my mouth open
As an “I love you” barely escapes my lips

I could be jealous by the way he looks at her
Or how his hand is on the small of her back
She laughs into his chest and he breathes her in
And I’m frozen in a corner on the other side of the room

I was invited to this party by a friend of a friend
Not knowing he would be here with her
He brushes her hair back and she smiles
And I’m stuck in a corner on the other side of the room

I could be angry with him for what happened
Or how he never thought to tell me about her
She looks into his eyes and he looks back
And I’m glued to a corner on the other side of the room

I came to this house to get drunk on a Friday night
Not knowing how seeing him again would affect me
He turns his head and he sees me
And I’m paralyzed in a corner on the other side of the room

I could go up and casually talk to both of them
Or flash a smile in both of their general directions
She whispers in his ear and he points at me
And I’m frozen in a corner on the other side of the room

I know by this point she must know who I am
Not knowing how he told me he loved me
She looks angry and he holds her hand
And I’m stuck in a corner on the other side of the room

I could be happy he eventually chose her instead of me
Or delete the texts I still get in the dead of night from him
She lets go of his hand and he sighs
And I’m glued to a corner on the other side of the room

I should leave this party and walk away forever
Not knowing this affair would have ruined us both
She starts to walk towards me and he follows
But I’m paralyzed in a corner on the other side of the room

I felt you slip from my grasp

As I scrambled to catch you


In between my fingers


But you moved too fast

And the current was too strong


So I let you be taken away


As all the things you said

Violently washed over me


And I was left alone


To think of all of you

Your gentle voice


Forever gone


Instead, replaced with

The sound of waves crashing


Beat back and pulled under


Until all I could taste was

The salt of you


Vile and unpleasant


I drowned that day

As a final goodbye


Escaped your lips.

There are two sides to me:

The one I present to the world,

And the other that I try to keep to myself.

 
The one who sings in the car

With the volume maxed out

And the other who screams at the top of her lungs

When she needs to quiet

All the thoughts running through her head


The one who can't stop laughing

With tears forming in her eyes

And the other whose hands shake uncontrollably

When she gets angry

Revealing to the world just how upset she is


The one who loves sunshine

With not a single cloud in sight

And the other who never wants to go out

When the act of just walking out the door is

Like pulling teeth


The one who talks your ear off

With meandering anecdotes

And the other who shuts down

When the idea of loneliness

Seems like the better option

 
The one who isn't embarrassed to smile

With her imperfect teeth

And the other who hides behind pursed lips

When she can't stand for anyone

To see any part of herself


The one who dances in her bedroom

With the moonlight filtered through the blinds

And the other who lays alone at night

When its too late and she's too tired

From crying for hours


There are two sides to me:

The one I want you to see

And the other that I hope you never do.

Tonight,
I watched you quietly again
But all these future memories
Kept projecting in my brain

We'd go to baseball games
And play footsie on top of the littered popcorn
Comfort would take over
Mending a wound we used to mourn

We'd eat breakfast in bed
And tumble on top of each other
Laughter would pierce through
Filling a void left by another

We'd see concerts at dusk
And dance under the twilight sky
Lightness would bloom
Where sorrow used to be disguised

We'd make love in the afternoon
And feel the weight of us two
Desire would burst through
Finally finding something that's true

We'd stay out late in the city
And kiss in the light pollution haze
Love would wash over us
Sticking where it never used to stay

But tonight,
You didn't even know my name
So I settled for a shy smile
From across the room as you looked my way.