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Nov 2020
Is it my fault or isn't it not
i dont't know.. i just can't get rid of this thought
even before it was said unto the air
the thought would follow me everywhere
maybe I could've been a better daughter
maybe I could've tried a little harder
to pull myself together and make her proud
or kept my mouth shut and been less loud
maybe if I hadn't been so annoying
then everyone here could still be enjoying
the gift that was her wonderful presence
but as it is her being gone represents
what a failure I am, I wasn't good enough
I didn't try hard enough to keep up
I couldn't be selfless and pull myself out
of the depression that's constantly dragging me down
so I piled even more on top of her shoulder
and now it's my fault that she won't get older..

or isn't it?
i don't know anymore I'm losing it....
this battle I'm fighting within myself
cause I'm still too scared to ask for help
I mean.. they know the basics of the problems
and they think they've figured out how to solve them
but there's this voice within me I'm scared to make known
I fear they won't understand that it's not really my own
it tells me troublesome and worrisome things
the more I force it out, the louder it sings
" no matter what you do you'll never be enough!
don't you think it's time that you just give up?
No-one would care if you just disappeared..."
and on and on it goes, voicing all the things I've feared

I'm just a bundle of crazy irrational thoughts
that scratch and poison my heart as it rots
stupid and ugly things that don't make sense
like: I don't deserve those clothes, I'm just a waste of expense...
and a small part of me knows they're not true
but a bigger part of me's tired of pushing through
like when my mood drops and it's hard to even eat
my stomach feels nauseous and my heart quickens its beat
my mind feels raw and my feelings are sensitive
even if the insults you give really aren't inventive
the smallest word you speak still cuts me deep
it's gotten to the point where I don't get enough sleep
I mean I sleep for hours & hours and yet when I wake
my eyes are still droopy and my whole body aches...

and I know I should say something about it
but I'm just too scared that they'll all just doubt it
I'm not making this up, it's all truth I swear
there's just too many monsters that scream "they won't care!"
it's a constant battle between reality and fiction
and I really feel that words aren't an accurate description
it's hard to focus and hard to concentrate
there's too many thoughts inside of my brain
it's complete and utter chaos morning and night
'till I run out of energy and start losing the fight
and I don't know what to do anymore...
so I guess this is my cry for help?
i dont know what to do anymore...
Written by
Kade  18/Gender Fluid/Still a headcase
(18/Gender Fluid/Still a headcase)   
     Reyna, Wock Tof, SophiaAtlas and ---
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