Often these days, I am convinced that I’m crazy. As crazy as my mother, whose fear of loneliness caused her to transform from her fiery, beautiful self into a demon.  As crazy as a storm that in its chaos rips the roots of trees from the ground and destroys the home of families and sometimes families themselves.
I have the dark and light on both shoulders, my inner devil and inner angel. The devil me, with her knotted hair and ***** snarl, whispers words of suspicion and anger, constantly aiming to manipulate and self-destruct. Then there is the angel me, with bright green-blue eyes and perfect white teeth, whispering soothing reminders of beautiful memories and quiet thanks.
We all, every one of us, have our own devil and angel. Why is it that we allow this devil to exist within us, and allow our angel to be thrown to the side? Sometimes our angel wins yes, but still… until one side or the other wins, we Allow a part of us to Want to self-destruct and cause continual suffering. Why is this?

You loved him, didn't you?
The way his eyes sparked in the light.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he held on to you so tight.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he sounded when he would sing.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he laughed at everything.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he'd smile when he caught you staring.
You loved him, didn't you?
The way he was so gentle and caring.
You couldn't show him, could you?
Because he now decided he didn't want your heart.
You were broken, weren't you?
Because you already give it to him from the very start.

I think of you always.
I see you
In a stranger's face,
I hear you
In a friend's laugh
I think of everything about you
That I loved
And everything I didn't
And I use our time together
As a template, a guideline
A checklist
Of everything to avoid.
I think of you always,
A toxic reminder
That I am better off
Alone.