Written on paper, handwritten mess
Swirls of cursive, great, fancy lines
Another generation, or maybe two
Won't see the art, can't read it's ink
In three, the best, the paper lost

Maybe a scrap, burned, incinerated
Thrown by a child, young woman's maybe
Remnants of a past, great, great grandmama's fire
Doesn't open the note
A journal unread
It's wasn't written in stone
Only temporary, illusion art

A woman deserves, poet's heart
To write in stone, a love that lasts
Too heavy to throw
Hard to burn
Written in stone

The most precarious of words
Linger and doubt, remove all that
Not written in water, sand or spout
Give to history, not shapeless grave stone
Something to be passed
Proven in stone

Where are you now?
I look in to your eyes
Don't see your gaze
Broken trees brush the sky
To the scent of dead leaves

So far away,
Hide your face
Half hidden, close friend
Clouds drift, lazy in haze
Twinkling stars
Paint your sky
Heartbeats away

Gone so quick
World turns so low
You've seen so much
Above and below
All our stories, quick

Whites and greys, greens
Brown mountains wear
Blues oceans, they spray
Invisible winds, haunt the air
Sing your song, no one cares
A melody of sweet chance
Broken hearted last dare

Stone angels protect
A child's long sleep
Away, poor angel
Give wing to leaf
Please serve and keep

You've seen them all
From Christian to Zeus
Which is which, who is who?
They take before time
Leave us here to die
Threaten, and cry
Broken, you fly

Your strings, I can't see
Float there lonely, never turning
Your mind does not sleep
I have one question,
Just why?

Drowning, numb to fate
I want to let it all go
Bring peace to where
I wouldn't know
It's all a mess

Emotional swirls
Flushing all away
I just can't believe
He promised, vowed
And I meant nothing
Robbed of hopes
Mentally *****

It's a dark, dark soul
Evil in its form
To act without concern
To think to ones self
I just don't care

Who is this *****?
Another broken soul?
Why couldn't she find her own
Someone loves her
Much I'm sure
Tortured, now
There is no cure

Hatred consumes me
Burns with passion
A mess of flame
So confusing
Broken love

How is this?
I still love
How pathetic am I?
What does this make me?
Am I ***** like that?
Round and round
Circles, patterns pass

Mother dearest, you taught me
See the future, and believe I can't
Know all too much and crush it out
All the little things I wanted; dreams
Deny my happiness and drive it out

If it's beautifully special
I'll find one thing
Break that moment
**** the well
Force it down
Resentment
Swells

Lash out at others
Any independent hope
Find it's problems
Make them mountains
A journey too dangerous to take

My mind races, a broken thing
I just want happiness
And then to put it out
My lovers scattered
To the wind

I can't deal with change
Chances, forlorn now
I can see them here
But cannot take that step
Lovers arms made a cage
Prisons, impenetrable
Bars too thick to break

Mother you broke me
Made me slaved
Never to be released
Never unchained
Soiled, wasted and unclean

No one should want me
Not this broken shell
Who sees the future I want so well
I'll take the chance bury it deep
Defeat my hopes now
Your perfect daughter
Now without your help

I'm stubborn and deep
Wounded in sleep
Put down bleeding
Cuts inside all seeping out
I bleed from ears, eyes and mouth

I knew he wanted me
Loved me so well
Somehow I turned that
Warped it, created a hell
You took warm arms
The safest place
And slapped my face

It's so terrible
To see a path
Happiness ahead
At long last

But then I'm programmed
My attention can't last
I see myself falling, unwanted
Death, destruction and forgotten

He loved me so
With long glances
Looking to my eyes
Seeing past defenses
It was too much
Scary and defiled
To realize it was special

To be laid open
Made me feel gutted like a fish
To feel so loved, like the one
I took it apart
Broken puzzle parts

Twisted his love
Found hate in parts
Blew it up and made
Cracks, created earthquakes
Lightning, fires and strife
It was all defied, his love
I would not permit

It smashed my reality
Saw myself unfit
My walls were invisible
Defenses cast aside
His glance saw through

Opened me inside
I resented this intrusion
This building down
Who was he?
To see nothing invisible

Now I look back
See mother's hard hand
Manipulation's a tool
Taught to survive
For a child that cries
To always come home
To mothers vile and high

I can't see the future
My relationships fall
To myself, I'm broken
All resentment, emotional
Anxiety, puking lies

Subconsciously
I know, see the future just clear
That's why my choices
All bring chains and tears
I just can't admit
Allow happiness to seed
Life watered and well

I break everything so well
Sabotaged so my loneliness
Is true; only pain, I know
My mother is far, live but unheard
Out of my life, her destructiveness gone
It's all remnants of living
Programmed below
Her voice is still there
Shrill, controlling, gripping
Teaching me all I needed so well
Now alone, I'm leashed
Her choices my own

I'll make them without thinking
Forgetting what I have known
It's sabotaging relationships
Building upon lies
Those to myself,
I needed to survive
Breaking promises of hope

I'll come complete
Force my infections on love
It's a test, lesson for all
A flame of my hell
To put lovers through
And to force friends away

I'll foster the evil, become someone else
I can feel it seeping, building cracks
Breaking promises to myself
Of what not to become
Lashing out at others
Letting them take blame
My responsibilities to them
Only allowing them my shame

I'll give them the pieces
Only what they deserve
If they asked for my pain
Let them preserve
But when I see them look
Staring at me, all love in their eyes
I've been taught to hate it
It's beauty I don't deserve

It's patterns in my life
Things I thought secret
Hidden reserved
True love opens all that
Makes them unreadable
Hurting their perfect reserve
Isolating me, forcing retreat
I just want to hide, run, find peace

It's the demons she gave me
They can't stand the sight
When love looks at me
They cower and fight
Why can't this be easy
Too many years in the making
I feel so betrayed
My mother's hands made me

He looks at me so easily
Sometimes I make him betray me
Force his word against him
Even his I love you
Now brings apathy
I confuse his love with hatred
My mirror, she sees me
Please don't be me

Heed me, sweet souls
Ignore instinct, find peace with your past
There is no worse pain than knowing
Seeing defenses laid bare
The pain and the suffering
He knows he can repair
But being forced to a distance
Because of mother's past glare

Go to him, take the chance
Show me it's true
My advice I can take
Love is more powerful
Than the demons embrace

Not myself
I've never known that
Too many scars
Sifting through
Emotions
Pains
My
Eyes

See the world
But not the world
Seeing what I want
Ignoring what doesn't
For my my reality
That's the reality of
A past that was only
My life
All I knew
Is all I became

I wanted, sweetness
A part of me that I couldn't find
And thought lost

Thought gone forever
Unattainable, all my dreams
Crushed beneath my mother's
Jackbooted high heels

I carried this through my life
Not to use, but be used
Love, not beloved
And everything suffered
Husbands, children, friends
I tortured them all
Whipping them
With a reality
Only my own
Trying to impose it
To make it real for them
Force them to see
Why I was so damaged

And maybe,
I reached to them
How I wanted to be understood
When they saw me for
Who I wanted to be
Rather than just my scars

Pity,
What I wanted was pity,
Unspoken and vehemently denied
Always the victim
Of the world, of others
So unkind, this internal
Screaming, but silent
Defender of mine
Making me the victim
Again and again

Driving forces
An unmet sister of my soul
The mirror, mine
Showing me hope
By bringing up my past
Reliving all the pain
But giving perspective
I had never held before

She is saving herself
Healing, with a husband's
Sometimes less than gentle hands
On her shoulders, around her waist
Holding her high and giving her ground
Becoming an anchor
A port in the storm
And I heal, through her
Patching scars, and
Giving return
Vanishing the lingering doubts
Rebuilding hope against fears

For a moment, just one
I found the world
It's bustle and pace
Less scary
Just knowing
My mirror
Was out there
Looking back at me
And maybe,
I give her hope

Returning
This precarious,
Precious gift

Do you know the feeling?
Air being forced from your breast
Drowning, without water
Air, close, but no regard
Heart ahammer

I remember the feelings
Desperate
Clawing
Panicking
Betrayal
And
Fear

It came as a surprise
But inside I knew
Denying my instincts
Something about him changed
Uninterested, just motions

I had found his letters to her
Pictures of him, so far from home
Sent to her, what I asked for
I pleaded, almost cried for
Attempts to be close

Lies, left out for me to see
Couldn't even delete the evidence
A thorough betrayal of heart

I see it now again
Youth, another heart to be broken
What has happened once
Will happen again
Do these men know?
What a woman can feel?
Cuts her down, destroys her

On one hand, beautiful words
Promises and dreams
Trust misplaced
Eating at the soul
Ignoring her

Deepest emotions
But worn on the sleeve
A pattern of pain
I can only imagine
Her devotion true
Every thought of him
Her love's warm hold

He strays, first nothing
But words, beautiful words
Time spent away, he stays away
Writing with intention
Emotionally ******

Broken promises
Vows, turned lies
To have and to hold, *******
For better or worse, lies
Til death do we part, only when I die

And that's me
Dead now, a small part
Never did we speak
About how I felt
How he made me feel
That crushing weight
That put nails to my coffin

I see the pattern again and again
I cannot believe the strength it would take
To go past something like that
Men, liars and cheats
Don't they know how their words
Become actions, words build

All lies

Sits up on a mountain
But turns all those
Who come away

He'll spend a day
Maybe four or five
And eat what he likes

A solitary life
Up, up, up
Down, down, down

He might wonder
Which is more difficult
The ups or downs

But if you asked
And if he answered
It would be neither

And leave you
In question
Because

You wouldn't get it
It would be the journey
And he's trying to make it

Marriage is, as they say, not easy
One, two, three have come my way
a blessed cheater, the first
the second, a liar and a cheat
The third showed me my soul

To see bone's soul, and then to cringe away
is a difficult way, who I thought I was
Then stark relevelations, a bitter taste
Its a marriage, blending of souls
My efforts were like that of the fairy tales
In the last, I expected, but did not give
I didn't know how to love

I didn't know what love was
we fought, leaving hearts ******
Torn, ragged and scorned
But he always believed he could
He was an elemental
Nothing could stop him
He would not fail

I broke him, like so many other men
His dreams of us, because I had none
Crushed his plans, because my future
Always so bleak, always so failing
he could not live in my world of dispair

He had a poet's soul, beautiful
Grand, it made me pale
how could he be so sure
so confident to a future
Together, I so frail
I had to break his,
My reality, his not real

I bent him slow
My mind's strength and glow
Made him crooked,
Stretched and broke
Turned him, roasted

The blending of souls
My deepest dream
All I wanted
All I need
Stolen

I spent the time
But not the work
I did not know
that princesses
Must work

Words are power
Creating and building
No unringing a bell
They were said without conscious
Without thinking too well
Sharp tongues
Blister then swell

Listen, listen well
Love sometimes cools
Pretends to die down
True love is passion
Romantics, that's swell
But in real life
It's different

Love is a fire
It burns and swells
But sometimes
It smoldered
It dies

For true romantics
Pure hearts,
Who am I to tell?
But I know this
There is nothing but hell
In love, real romantics, do tell
No matter the fire

A liar will tell
I know her name
Poor broken soul
Take hold your man
Through him, save your soul

All thing considered
My life is a forest
Lost and abound
Running for shelter
No map, no compass

All I see is the forest
Nothing but trees
The distance is staggering
Ignore all the signs
Aligned in the night
No stars to see
Losing the fight

Braided dreams
Wrapped desires
Layered hopes
Dependent together
Holding hands

We, are
I am
Completed worth
Hallowed vows
Eternal souls
Timeless tears
Unconditional love

Ultimate fears
Searing anxiety
Feelings soaring
Emotional yoyo
Cheating heart

Flagged notes
Conversations made
Outside influences
Preying inside
Tainted advice
Showing colors
Breaking mates

Friends betray
Not real
Agendas abound
Seductive lies
Hidden words

Once upon a time
A man planted two trees
Maybe a symbol
To a lover, a history lost
Maybe just because

I bought the house
And the trees came with
Grown and strong
First apart and then adjoined
At their base, they were separate
By time, they joined
Leaning on each other

Their strength was together
Withering many storms
Winds that crashed
All too many others
And they were the last I owned

One day they fell, some fool
Brought nails, too early on
Pegged a sign, maybe for some yard sale
And the nail was planted
But they grew around
Thought, together
Thought they were strong

But the trees felt rot
It crept right in
They had ignored the wedge
Guilt and rot set in
And, together they fell

Their roots, I found
Together, tangled and proud
I couldn't tell, one from another
So close they had grown
How broken they ripped
The trees were close
Almost just as one

The greatest trial they faced
And that bit of nail
Rusted and brown
A storm like no other
Brought them both down

One fell away, another the other
Both against even the wind
The great storm, just another
They broke at the nail
Created by another
Such a small thing
But never recovered

It's a testament to strength
The building or rebuilding
Of love
Where it was once fallen
It grows once more
Stronger now
Far more, evermore

When you look to its eyes
You can't see it without
Looking inward at your own self
Replace all the negative you find
And replace with your lover's eyes

A self, so fragile
With the baggage of a lifetime
Ego and pride to tell yourself
Not to break
An already broken heart
But to mend, heal
The goal of true love

One day at a time
Brings the closure to wounds
Replacing all those words
Fat, skinny, empty, fear
Washing over anxiety

Love exists, it breathes
With every embrace
A needed hug, a quick kiss
When he looks at you
Asks what he can do
Kisses you goodnight
Blesses you good morning

It's the time spent
The commitment of love
With his every breadth
Every touch, every glance
He loves me

Behind my eyes
Resides a beast
An animal
Barely controlled
On a thin leash

It looks at you
Through everyone
Past you
All you are
Just another meal

I see you
But you don't understand
With your
"My you have pretty eyes,"
I see you as flesh
Something to be devoured

My hands hook to claws
My fingers itch for blood
My mouth waters
For a taste of your meat

I lick my lips
And speak pretty
I fear my eyes betray me
But you'll lie
And be trapped

Its late or early
The wee hours have come
my mind, ashambles, my mind arace
I think of the past, relive all moments
My passion, alust

Its a chemical thing
I am my own drug
Want to rage, throw
Tantrum and moan
Scream at the world
So unfair
My own

Chances have come
and then they have gone
My path, I realize, only now
my wasteful own
why me, why this

Some have told me, again and again
Time for this chance or that
but I fought, stubborn in my bones
Argued for spite, for independence
unknown

I want what I want
Need for my own
He said its not done
My dreams just ahold
My will not my own

My youth was spent
Independence so broken
I rely on the leash
The teather of the known
I lied to myself
Not brave, and scared
To my soul

He pushed me so hard
Beyond my will
To shatter my strength
But creating grand art
Desires yet unknown

I couldn't see, would not stray
All I know, destroys his trust
I built the wedge
To break what I love
to deny my soul

I'll make the devil blush
Turn his head with my legs
Heave heavy in his breast
My pleasure in laughter
Wincing when he delivers

A Catholic sin, to be so full
Riding it like a bull
Enjoying the drip
Flushing body
Replenishing soul
Good thing my God
Has blessed me with this
Insatiability and the chance
To heal, to be pleasures, pleasured
Killing off the demons in my mind
I'm built for speed, sleek, lithe
Hard bodies, desperately in love
Show it with my grind
Indulge it in kind
Hips bring quivering thighs
High heels, fishnets
Behind closed doors
My Man knows how to please
With lips, hands such a tease
Bringing waves, little deaths
One by one, until the big one
A sensual massage
That lasts for hours
To which, I lose
My mind

A fall's chill wind
Like silver garland
Stings the earth
Bringing Jack's frost
Through the wood

He touches, gentle
Then, fierce, a want
Kisses finger tips
Wrists then thighs
Hands outstretched
Chest, face on the bed
Knees apart brought up
Back ached, pleasures in bed

Rough in places, touched instead
Opened, taken, dripping wet
Dressed in leather, fishnets
******* pressed hard, hands locked ahead
Heels, black, thigh highed and red
For him I am his, for my pleasure, I said

Let me be taken, on this satin bed
Bound by steel, and silken thread
In candle light, oiled I wait
Not begging for sin
But waiting for him

He takes me in kind
Roughly, like fury
I buck, and let ****
My skin likes him

Together we ***
But for me, I win
Mine lasts longer

Almost forever, for
His soft hands wring

I am, for whom he lives