The buzz that leaves my mind
gasping
My fingers
fumbling
The heat radiating off my neck
The small of my back where you touched me
Your hands shaking ever so slightly
and me
enjoying that movement

Scrollin past ol’ conversations
and wonderin what it is I saw in him

the hate, the anger, the stupidity
the flaws, the unwillin’ness to change

somethin resuscitates deep within me an I struggle
to push it down so the regret don’t drown me
I made my choice--I love ‘im
there ain’t no backin down now

the look in his eyes, the curve of his lips
the broad chest yet untouched beneath his shirt
lookin at ‘im, I’d jest dive into it--no questions asked
turnin ‘round, I feel what he’s stitched of an I flinch

but I em unable to walk away from the choice I made

Whatever happened to chasing after your dreams?
All we are now are the butterflies, released
Because "if you love them, let them go"
Well, ***** ancient proverbs
I don't expect anything to come back
If it's been abandoned, you see

Looks like its going downhill from here
Yet I still gaze up to the heavens
Instead of the hell before me
I guess that's the torture of
Not knowing where you're going
When you're an optimist like me

You tainted this site with your fingertips
Your presence, your words
I came here as an escape--
Or a justification?
But you held me confined
And gave me no answers
Now I am back, but every megabyte screams your name
I hover over the search bar even though you have disintegrated
Yet I still expect your poems to make an appearance
To either kiss me like I would have wanted you to
Or stab me like I know too well you did
But nothing
Your existence has been wiped out
I have no reason to return to computerized data
Other than hoping you’d come around too

It pains me just to hear your name
Three years later and it's just the same
I can't even say I wonder anymore
The tears still fresh like they've just been tore
Your body can't feel the pain
It's just the voices inside my brain

Not even there and yet--
I hear you everywhere

What did I do WHAT DID I DO?

You don't know fear until
The one place that always makes you happy
Is 4,425 miles away and
You wait as each passing day
Gets you closer to never seeing it again

You don't know fear until
The one person that always makes you happy
Won't even recognize you in 4 years and
You just look at them hoping
That will never come true

But it might.
And that's fear.