i feel as though
all i am is a second choice.
im never good enough,
and am never able to give my voice.
they just yell,
and scream,
and curse.
then tell me how the other one
is so much better than the first.
i am the first.
it started on what feels like a long while back.
now,
all i am is the one,
the one who with a heart split in two, with a giant crack.
they caused it,
but i am too sensitive to say,
to say how much I still hurt.
i now feel as though,
my light is burnt.
i am tired.
i am hurt.
i will not give my voice,
for all i am,
is a second choice.

No.
I guess
I guess I
I just stopped caring.
And it never came back.
I was done.

I grab it.
I look at my arm.
Push it in.
And think of the beautiful harm.
As the blood drips,
One drop
Then two.
I stare at myself.
And think,
What did you just do?

she's always there
like a shadow
you don't need to look
you know she can't leave
"youre my bestest friend"
she says
"bestester"
it's an on-going game
"I love you more"
"most"
"moster"
no winners.
because she doesn't need to win.
she'd let you win.
because she's your shadow.
she's mine.

you have bad days.
the days where it all comes back to you.
the days where you know what you're doing to yourself is real.
those are defined as "Bad Days"
but to me,
they are the good days.
they're the days you know you're still living.
you know you can still feel pain.
but on the so called "Good Days"
you feel nothing.
a happy feeling might succumb you.
you think the pain has stopped.
but
once again,
those are my "Bad Days"
the days you don't feel.
the days you smile.
those are "Bad Days" because you know they will end.
and that isn't fair.
to have your "Good Days" called bad and your bad called good.
because
for some of us,
we don't have any "Days" at all.

She danced.
She laughed.
She fell in love.
He broke her.
She cried.
She smiled.
She started it all again.
She walked.
He grabbed her hand.
She fell in love.
He broke her.
She smiled.
She started it all again.
The cycle went on.
Everyone noticed but her.
They all knew.
But she was the one who couldn't see.
She fell in love as often as leaves fall off a tree during Autumn.
All the time.

i do love you.
i love you more than any words could ever describe one concept.
because my love for you is not a concept.
it is more real than my body and mind themselves.
and I drown every morning, every night, every second.
i drown in the love i have for you.
my love for you is more vast than any ocean, than any heart, than every heart.
my love for you is yours alone.
yours to keep.
i hope you know that.

im weak
i didnt realize it until I had gotten so mad at myself I needed to scream
i grabbed a pillow and shoved my face into it
i couldn't scream
i couldn't do anything
i just laid there
pillow to my face
tear stained
quietly breathing
voice shaking
thats when i knew
i was weak
and since then
i haven't been able to go back.

she tried.
but it was too strong.
her lies.
they were more right
than they were wrong.
why couldn't she handle?
you might ask.
because
unlike you
her life
was more of a test.
more falses
than there were truths.
more wrong turns
than polite "How do ya do's?"
so she quit.
she stopped in her path.
she said "no more..."
and that was that.