a brand new balloon
treasured by a naive child
he tries his best to keep it safe
but the wind carries it away
the string  drifting from his hands
moving further and further into the sky
and he can do nothing but watch

The more time I spent with you,
the more addictive I became
and the more I needed you every day.

Being away from you gave me withdrawl.
The more I put you into my head,
the more dependent I became on you.

I didn't love you.
I don't think.
It was the idea that you made me feel safe
and helped me escape my own thoughts

I loved the idea of you
The idea of happiness
of a good, impossible thing.

And now that you are becoming
more and more distant
My mind is too.

The universe only offers two options:

Being happy but never being good enough to the people who are supposed to care about you.

or forfeiting your own happiness to be seen as perfect in the eyes of the people you love.

I choose the second one.

I sailed my boat through a raging ocean
Even though I saw the danger miles away.

I am engulfed in the violent waves
Tossed around in the sea
without knowing which way is up

until my lungs fill with water
and I sink to the bottom

"her name"

I'm not overreacting
Not making up
negative scenarios in my head
I feel too much,
too fast

A thousand needles
rip and tear me
from the inside out
A weight inside me falling,
breaking my heart into a million pieces.

My heart feels like it has stopped beating
and it begins to be hard to breathe
for my lungs stop working
and I try to gasp for air  

I clench my fists
draw blood from my palms

Forcefully, I let out a smile
using it to cover up the pain I feel
And the tears hiding behind my eyes
As I laugh making painful jokes.

But you'll never know it
Because I hid it from you

I need to get to work
Remove these bandages from my chest
and cut off these lumps with a chainsaw
Carve into my jaw with a knife until it’s sharp
Cut open my neck and pull my Adam’s apple forward
Chop off all of my hair and super-glue it onto my face and chest.
Take a chisel and hammer to my chin and hammer nails into my eyes.
Pump my muscles up with Co2, and stretch out my legs until I'm 6 feet tall.
Mold out the pieces of me that are missing and staple them on.
Cut and resew.
***** and Drill.
There’s just too much.
Too much of me to fix
And I don't know how much time I have left.

A girl. A sophisticated college student.
The pretty girl wearing a dress,
singing in the church choir, and is loved by the church
The perfect oldest daughter
and an example to her siblings
The smart granddaughter that everyone is proud of.
Taught to stand up straight,
Act and walk "like a lady"
Always smelling like fruit and flowers, in bright vibrant colors.
A beautiful young woman.

A boy. Scared to be himself.
In the same college,
working toward the same goals
Wears a suit,
doesn't sing for the choir
doesn't even feel welcome in church
He Smells of cologne, and his voice is higher than most men.
Always he wears baggy clothes in dark colors
He has siblings but they don't know him
Has parents but they are oblivious to his existence
His grandparents are proud of his accomplishments
but think he is someone else.
He slouches when he walks and sits weirdly
but still, he was taught to be chivalrous and knows how to be a gentleman.
A handsome young man.


Two lives. One truth.
The boy hiding behind the girl.