I hate that I'm always trying to fit myself into a box
I get so frustrated with myself
Trying to be what everyone wants me to be
A different version of myself for every friend, lover, family member, stranger
It doesn't matter
I want to please everyone
But you can't please everyone
I can't
And I can't stand it
Why can't I be exactly what you need?
Because I can only be me
Me
Who am I?
Such a cliched question
I always thought I knew who I was
But lately, I'm never sure
Am I sarcastic and hardworking and cheerful, like the girl at work?
Am I silly and jokey and fun, like the girl with my friends?
Am I quiet and thoughtful and sweet, like the girl at school?
Am I **** and nerdy and fun, like the girl that's with you?
Who am I?
I'm all of these things
All of these things at different times and at the same time and it's making me crazy
I can't even write good poetry
That's how crazy it's making me
And you know what the worst part is?
None of it's good enough
I feel like so few people truly love me
So I'm trying so hard to be these different people and I'm falling short every time
So what I really need to do....
Is to stop trying

The worst of all enemies is in my head
She does not wear a mask or look like a monster
In fact, she is beautiful
Far more beautiful than I am, as she constantly reminds me
She is smarter, sexier, funnier, calmer, more confident than I am
As she constantly reminds me
She knows what everyone else really thinks of me
She knows what they say when I'm not there to hear it
And she's always there to remind me of the silly things I might've said
She doesn't have to hide behind baggy sweatshirts
No, she wears whatever she wants, and always looks beautiful
She doesn't smile very much, but that's because she hates me
"Like everyone else does" she likes to remind me
It's hard to silence her
She especially likes to visit me when I'm alone
Likes to scream at me when I'm curled in bed
Her words as dark as the night around me
She likes to keep me up a lot
When I could be sleeping, dreaming, she reminds me of all the wrong I've done today
How I could've been so much better
But of course, how I never will be
It doesn't matter how late we stay up, she can keep going for hours
But sometimes I've noticed that she doesn't visit me the morning after
When I fall asleep in class, she's nowhere to be found
Which is good, because that's been happening a lot lately
The only way to keep her at bay
Well, not the only way
Me and this other girl in my head, we've found some ways
But the other me, she's young
Not as smart or cool or experienced as she is
That's okay
I like her a lot more
She's quiet, but she pipes up now and again
She usually has nice things to say
Or nothing at all
Which is probably why she doesn't speak up too much
"Not too many nice things with you, are there?" she'd remind me
But the little girl
She hangs out when I'm tired
Reminds me of when I was little
How I could get lost in a book
I've started reading again
She doesn't like that
"Only losers sit inside and read books. But I guess you don't have friends anyway"
Well, that's okay
The little girl reminds me how the sky looks at night
And we go running together
Slow at first, then faster
Then we venture out in the day
She's happy for me
She's not
But the little girl is helping me
She's a little louder now, a little bolder
She argues with her
Sometimes they fight so loud I can hardly stand it
And I stand dazed, eyes glazed, until one of them wins
Lately, she's been losing
Tonight she won a battle
But we're going to win the war

Moments I felt like I was falling for you
1. When you made sure to get my phone number
2. When you picked me up and kissed me goodbye
3. When you held me all night and kept me up with your whispers
4. When you asked me what my friends called me
5. When you asked for my middle name
6. When I felt you breathing in at my neck and you whispered that I smelled good
7. When you talked about how much you love fantasy and science fiction
8. When you told me you love to read
9. When you placed little kisses on my cheek as I was falling asleep
10. When you told me you never smile in photos, but you smiled just for me
11. When you walked me to my car, pushed me up against it, kissed me hard
12. When we said it would be just the two of us
13. When you teased me about how much I love Iron Man
14. When you put your arm around me, in front of everyone
15. When you flexed, because you knew I liked it
16. When you asked me "Are you sure?"
17. When I said "Yes"
18. When your friend called me your "girl"
19. When you sang along to Frozen
20. When we fell asleep that night

Now all I have left are moments
And regrets
No you
No more freckles and lips bitten and makeup on my neck
No more first times
No more empty promises or lies or sweet nothings

That's all you were
A sickly sweet nothing
And I to you?


I was nothing

I don't want to write poetry about you
I don't want to remember
I'm scared to forget
I hate that you were my first
I hate that it didn't last
I can't stop thinking about you with someone else
I wonder who she is
I wonder if you miss me too
I wonder if you meant anything you said
I thought you were different
I had so much hope for you
I don't know how it ended up like this


I don't know how I'm going to get over this

It's getting late at night
The perfect time to start a war
All we needs a keeper
Someone to hold the score

I come on rather strongly
Right out the starting gate
Throwing two yawns in your direction
Because it's getting late

The first one catches you by surprise
The second you deflect
But you can see by the look in my eyes
I'm not through yawning yet

Before I have time to react
You throw one back at me
Pretty soon the entire room
Is in a yawning melee

We vow to take no prisoners
In this battle between you and me
We will both keep yawning
Till one of us falls asleep