i stared at a photo of you today
black and white
you were holding a rifle
you looked insane
i wondered what you were thinking
as you stood there
if you had a lover of your own
if you even knew what love was
a bracelet on your right arm tells me
you possibly have
it clung to you properly
as most sentimental things do

gentle
i was not gentle with you
in moments,
i can
and i am
but this place has me wondering at times

i want my thoughts to align
with my actions
and that is something i've been wanting to work on darling
whether or not you continue to stick around

i am feeble
and frantic
and pure
but manic
fleeting
and granite
loyal
but tantric
easily moved
yet stagnant
in this resolve to love
holy
but caustic
loving
yet nothing
chilling
and all consuming
but
pure, pure, pure

i stare out
knowing
that i am where i should be
never knowing
just aligning
life is taking it's time
and who i am to try to stop it
or change it
i will stand in awe anyway
overwhelmed with it's tidal change

*******,
You know how to break a woman
Bend the two halves in the palm of your hand
Just because you can
Tear the chest wide open
And do away with it
And on to the next pretty girl
With half the sense
To jump into bed
To jump into regret
But maybe I'm no better
Because I
I
Am too many things to you

i; anchor
you; featherweight
she; shore

the anchor at your neck
incessant
a drawn bow trembling
at the core
a heavy love
you once wrapped your arms around
i told you from the start
where i'm coming from
and how i am
i gave you all disclaimers
i can be a head full of maladies
and you've not enough hands

the featherweight has so much to lose
two heartbreaks in one year
could snap the best in half
but you'll always snap back
you build with your heart
you build every plan
you're even with discipline
you're sleeping alone tonight

the shore stays
even if still
it's known
please keep away
i'm so tired of drowning

She says
She listens
To Patsy Cline
To pass the time
And I wonder
What it is
Now
That you will
Do
To pass time

the night brings your name
carried against streams of
conscious thought
it is here I know I am better off
it is here I wish you saw

i took a joint
from the nightstand
he'll never know
she took my heart
from the walls i built up
she'll never know

your body aches
without me
but your mind
fights
and you become horrible to me
frustrated
impatient
unkind
and i know it's time to go
because you still don't realize
how often you take me for granted

but one day
my voice
won't be calling you

will you miss it?

come be my crutch
darling
lay me down
or lie beneath
and sleep
swimming
in anger's defeat
while we
drown
in a soulless song
knowing this is
what it feels
like to
grieve

i cannot wait
to lay
and daydream
in bed
and mouth the ceiling
with your name
and swell
in your generosity
your perfect
imperfect
lean
that is now embedded
in my teeth
and *******
just think
with what little
has been said
how you consume
every part of
this bloodstream

if i'm a whale
if i'm a rarity
as you claim
well, then i say
that you my darling
are enough for me to want to stay
right here
in this moment
always
wrap my wrists
in your reverence
wrap my heart
in forgiveness
with your blonde strands
embedded in between
my teeth
in this mind, in this heath
i beg of you to tread through this blood and bone
where you will find
devotion to you
alone
lone
lone
just a silly girl
who feels a lot
who has tunnel vision
of piercing your soul
like you've done
to my own

Ever since my Father died, I have felt a lack of awe.
I stare out before me and feel close to nothing.
I want to fix this but I'm not sure how or if there is anything tangible to "fix".
I have dreams where I see his face so clearly- I see his life laid out in layers and I try my hardest to piece it all back together but I'm too slow at the pace.
I am trying to understand what this world means without you.
It is perhaps the hardest thing I've had to do.

i think
how strange
to have a broken heart
to feel any loss at all
when we control not a thing

most times i feel okay
sometimes, you even cross my mind
and i don't flinch anymore
most times

"to be alone with you"
i hum that thought
to myself
on a nightly basis

what would i say
if you and i were alone
with hours to dwell
with words unsaid

i guess i would start with
a heavy sigh
and a head full of "why's?"
but I would keep those to myself
I would shake my head
place my hand to my heart
and like a chain to my chest
the silence would be enough
with you,
it would always be enough

i wouldn't yell
i wouldn't ask
i would simply acknowledge
and tell you "i am sorry"
and that I know how hard life is
sometimes
well, most times
it can go so slow
learning can go so slow
mistakes are hard to swallow
especially when nothing is saved
at the end of it all
we were a plan, unhatched
unmet
i n s a n e
weathered
before we started
a quiet lull from the norm
but we started
and it was full
it was fire
it was beautiful
and despite the outcome
now
looking back at it
while i'm in my bed
alone
it would be so easy to dismiss
but i'm not a liar
it was something
i could never forget
it was something
I could never forgive
it was something
that cannot
be taken
only stored
for memory lapses
and nostalgia's **** hour
you, my lull

the easiest thing
would be to retreat
back into me
in the parked van
outside her doorstep
crying endlessly
for someone that just won't come
and who will never
again
pounding my nervous fingers on the steering wheel
trying to have you come back
but you took your medicine
and now you're sound asleep in your bed
and i am up, writing all night
high
g o n e
but it's the easiest thing
only having to answer to me
because my words and thoughts turn into feelings
and she just can't handle them
i can hardly handle them myself
i ****** up by reading her work
because it hurt
but it is just that
her work that i admire
intimacy
only creates illusions
and it is the only reason i can't read her words objectively

oh, the way that you used to look at me
i hid behind the pillar of futures unknown
you gave me your bracelet from your right wrist
in the bathroom
within seconds missed
my chest, a closing in drone
heavy sighs my darling
you were such a heavy thing

spiraling down
we both went down
and it was beautiful
until it just was not anymore

but for a few months
it was bliss

tonight i miss
my woman
who's not mine
will never be mine
yet she chooses
to spend the most time
with simple me
an odd thought
to be so in love
with someone you may not have known
had we not ****** up
this mistake
swallows me
often
i grapple at the knees
of this denied giant
once more
but i'm tired
so instead, tonight
i fold into the memory of
you
my great love

i belong to every day, to everything
in no time, i belong to you

your voice breaks
as you tell me
why it is you are back
in the town we both call "home"

well, "home" is a word i haven't used in a long time
and i don't know if I plan on to
anytime soon

i am merely human so all i do is exhale on the telephone
and whisper "i'm sorry you're going through this"
as my mind races and wanders to peaks and cliffs
in all the efforts to embrace you
and heal what life will inevitably crack

no more
thinking
rest your head
and move on to the next
day
we all make mistakes
but we all make choices
and i want to make new choices
i want to surprise myself
i don't think i ever have
this opportunity is here
make it happen
make it count
you're on

to mend and break again
what we would do to outlast
the night

"i want to be with you//i want to be used"

he sings
as i lay in the background
the piano hits the back of my skull
and i am grateful for the skin on skin contact
merely
you
your body beneath mine
and i remember what it felt like
to ******* endlessly into the night
and you?
i hope you do
i hope that single memory alone
haunts you
when you lay alone in your bed
late nights of longing
i wonder if you will miss me
if you already do

morning;
your skin tethered to the side of the bed
parallel to mine
i never took it for granted
not once
the way your thigh felt against my thigh
tones darker
tones collide
noon;
i would full myself up with you
and bleed into the hours
until one and one were fused
nothing felt wasted then
solemn and new
night;
i forgive the night
for turning it's back
for losing
in truth

if you have a chest then you should
******* feel it
I'm not a wall, blank slate either

i don't envy these grey areas
it fills the gaps of space of where I could be loving you
instead, we're all going to deny the facts
and wallow in our sins
and wallow in our half-truths

projections of what we think is proper devotions
holy hymns, I am summoning you
to act out
and turn me out
where I can feel nothing but your absence
can you feel me now?
can you tell I'm not telling the truth?

Trying to tell you this when I'm sober
I fumble down my words like stairs
As if I've never learned how to navigate gently

But that night
We stuck to the bar and to each other's thoughts and confessed the smallest details- the ones that usually make all the difference
And I saw you in a new light- one where I could finally understand your mind

You and I- we are more alike than we realize
The things that bother you are the same things that bother me
We just never said it out loud
Until that night

That night you kissed me again with a glorious fervor
It made my entire body shake and my heart sank onto your floor
And sifted to the foot of your bed
Wanting more
Wanting nothing at all
But your hands and your skin and your mind and your time all over me
And you gave me just that
And it was beautiful.

In the morning, you woke
Delirious yet loving still
And our smiles bespoke what we never will again
We were happy and thoughtless and yielding
See, this love could be so easy if we let it be

But I understand now where it is you go when I can't quite read you
Your mind turns inward
And your body language follows
When you think I have another
It is not so
When you think of another
I will understand
You have many things to think about
I just want to be one of them

A
Thought that makes you smile
A
Thought that makes you feel this is worthwhile

another morning where i leave a bed
unmade
and taunt myself with memories of you
and i
you hold my hand
in measures
almost apologetically at times
and i understand why
because we're both waiting for the reprise
young love
you've got me
wrapped up in denial and so many wishes
i kiss this
drawn out hit list
and stare out at what i've missed
all along
and it's the accountability
of making one's own bed
each morning
before
i leave you

st. augustine
the pale color above your collarbone haunts me
and i want to swallow you whole
until i can't remember what it is that i allowed

this city is soft and slow
a charming couple stands before me
holding hands
and i want to congratulate them
because i know how such a simple act can in actuality be the most daunting thing
that we humans do

maybe it's the weather
or maybe because i am sensitive
but i am most alone
and i feel it more than most nights

tonight
this city is the last place I want to be in
until it is then that i whisper to the orange haze above me
"ain't nobody here with us in this Universe, baby"

caution
be cautious, my mind says
and i'm halting
slowly pacing my thoughts
dragging them in a line
until i see which space is mine
and it's taunting.
the leveler
is the true decider
of where this will go
of what love will deny here
i am blood i am mire
hung up on the fence that you straddle
but i've allowed the noose and the wire

It was 4:30 when I got the call.

I knew immediately.

Father,
were you finally at peace?
Last night when you fell asleep, did you know what you'd do in the morning?

The darkest parts of you make up the whole of me.
I've known this my entire life.
I will sleep inside this grief and mourn you everyday.
You and I were more alike.

2 hours later and this does not feel real.
The space between us exists as it ever has.
And I just hope you know how truly loved you were.

the body
lies
on the bed
you helped build
staring at the ceiling
mouthing lyrics
to a song on repeat
i can lay here all night
i'd have no problem with it
and sing the same words
until they fell from my teeth
hitting the floor
as softly as they came

i was your ageless phrase
an exhausting prelude to things you need to say
but i won't
devoured i am
devoured you were
scrimmage love

you
slept
beside me
for some time
young thing next to an younger thing
our bodies amassed
our heads unbowed
you
left
me with questions
i'll never have answered
our hearts tethered
our hearts in passing
you
regret?
that is a question.
i am asking you because i cannot assume another fact
when it comes to you darling
see,
there's nothing left.
so this I wonder
tonight
most nights
if it's something you regret.
and if so, what exactly you will do with that.

most cannot live with their history
a straight night into the void
here, i digress
i want the truth to plummet into my chest
consistency is the greatest romance
i am i am i am
no life lesson

i wish i had a time machine
(and time for you to love me)
i would stall every second
just to see your face how you would look at me
from across the room
you and i
we were undeniable babe
then
i would pause space
to feel you kissing me with your entire self
with your confidence in your actions
we would kiss all night
and all morning
i never wanted to leave the bed
then

then
you would touch me with a passion i had never felt
true intensity neither of us needed to hide
then
then
then

If I had a time machine
I would hold your hand in confidence
before we knew pretense
of what right or wrong felt like
and keep you as my sidekick
and we would thrive in this life (time)
I would hold your hand in 1993
and watch Michael Jordan in his prime
front row seats
you and i
you and i
We may never see our prime together
But I have no doubt in my mind
that it existed
sometime, somewhere
out there

sometimes, don't you wish you could just
disappear
disappear
disappear now
(2)

I wring my hands of this
I wring it all
Shake my head in anger
Shake it off
If you're looking for a savior,
well, aren't we all?
I'm still looking for repair of what's been done years before.
And I stare at the world in different tones
And I swear, sometimes
I just don't know.
Would you forget, would you forgive, would you  go?

neon time capsule
hung over our heads
half broken thoughts where drunks stupor
i stared past, right into you
as you waved your body in front of this one woman crowd
i bow
to all that is implied of you
how does one handle such grace?
where does one define such feeling?
when time is nothing but fleeting
but you are nothing but faith,
to me.
i rally my head around and
i finger the emblem of knowing
that this body before me
is infinite.

one of these days
i plan on burying you
in the left corner of my gregarious backyard
it will be such a strange sight
how land so fraught can fold into smaller loves
let the dirt turn you over
until i've nothing left to scour
my devotion pealing off me
like a strange leaving
into the ground
goodbye, heavy hour
farewell

it starts with your name
lay me down
so we can begin again
i kneel by your side
like a practice at the pulpit
swallowing whole sins you may have owned
beforehand
i stare straight past
all we have seen
because i want to believe
there's a lot more left
for you and i
so, show me this time
while i'm on the floor
while you have me
undivided, unhinged
knees bent toward
all my love for you
what it is
i just can't live without

one afternoon
in Dallas
i found wet concrete
or rather
it found me
i eased my hands
into it
and spread every word
evenly
a myriad of thoughts
of you
and loss
reign public
on those downtown sidewalks
today

Patience. All my life, I've held onto it like a stone dead center in my palms.
I am not afraid of slow. I crave it.
I know it will make more sense that way.
Even restless as I am.
I've seen some take aggressively and there they go, further upwards.
But I want to do it right. My whole life. I want to treat people good while I'm here. I want to create and live as much as I can in an authentic way.
If that means taking the slower pace, then okay.

holy space
i embed you
in my brain
to keep sane
i'll retract
from
the things that don't make me feel safe

i stare at the sky
all nights
and think about the things that make sense to me
that matter:
loyalty
truth
peace
tact
music
knowledge
love

i want a calmness
that you can't pronounce
but i know we are all just trying to live
and do the same thing
so i see you
in a different light
in hopes that you'll see me as such
as well

oh, well.

i was anxious

so i pulled my hair one by one

and adored the strands washing out

between my fingers

fingers you once loved

fingers you once worshiped

like the base of my neck

you once called “perfect”

now time drones

each strand i now let go

and watch it float to the floor

such a pretty lull

you are

known

love-lord

my roommate is crying
down the hall
i hear it
and i know
why
because he is gone
and it's not the fact that he is gone
but because
we have thought
about leaving too.

no armor
needed
when it comes to you

only ardour,
undressed.

your love
it gives
your love
it tests

my initial thoughts
on what it was that
i even thought loving is

i want to be made out of brick
the malt of her residue
i taste the salt
on my lips
of you
of you

thank you
for your absence
it reminds me
of why I had to leave

you know i'm a selfish *****
i want it all
i want it endless
tooth & gone
'til i'm breathless

i write
so i don't tell you
think of it as
a form of protection
of a way that you won't have to deal
nor address
maybe you'll read this
maybe it'll make you feel something
most likely not
in either scenario

i am reminded
of when
you gave me the People magazine that had haunted me my entire life
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of my body beneath you
your chest inches above mine
as you were inside of me
you told me you loved me
and i held back tears
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of waking up next to you
in one of our beds
the countless times
your naked back
shoulders pressed against my chin
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of you making the
effort to come visit me
long taxi rides, even longer bus rides
and you'd wait for me at the bar
at my work
seat 3 always
and you would not be able to stop looking at me
with your nervous, beautiful eyes
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of driving
you
smoking beside you
in that moment,
i knew friendship

i am reminded of you
and i am reminded of everyone not you
and i have only felt this way
about one other person
and i know she will forever haunt me
and i question whether or not you will too
true love
heavy love
is what i felt for you.

man, this time lady year
I was soaking my feet
into new thoughts
of you
while laying my head to rest
in old memories
of her
January
always a blur
of residue unrest
Head cocked and tilted
Towards wounds and names
that I wanted to forget as soon as my
tongue hit their pavement
working on erasing
while sitting crossed
on a stranger's living room floor
Serpents
repent