i don't get ya sometimes
i'm trying

it's in small moments
when we are honest with one another
and i wish these small moments
lasted longer
so that we could actually grow from them
rather than just mind **** each other

i want to know you
i want to adore and endure this
i want to learn you
i want to love you
i want to understand how easily you change time
and your mind
and your glance

you asked me the other day if you think we are compatible
i haven't been able to shake off your question
because i never once doubted that
but by you asking, it shows you have

and i have nothing to say about that
other than
it's just sad.

the easiest thing
would be to retreat
back into me
in the parked van
outside her doorstep
crying endlessly
for someone that just won't come
and who will never
again
pounding my nervous fingers on the steering wheel
trying to have you come back
but you took your medicine
and now you're sound asleep in your bed
and i am up, writing all night
high
g o n e
but it's the easiest thing
only having to answer to me
because my words and thoughts turn into feelings
and she just can't handle them
i can hardly handle them myself
i ****** up by reading her work
because it hurt
but it is just that
her work that i admire
intimacy
only creates illusions
and it is the only reason i can't read her words objectively

tonight
was not the night
to see your rant about love at first sight
and i told you that
and i am human for that.
for that, i do apologize.
the reason
so many reasons
is that i felt that for you
and for some time
you told me you felt it too
for a time
you told me many things
things i thought you believed
things i believed as well
and i don't doubt your truth
it's thriving
it's pouring out of you
and many times, it is beautiful
but other times it is difficult to see
because i know
there is no room for me
yet maybe we think
there could be
i want there to be
because i do feel that what i've been feeling for you
all along
was geniune
and it's my truth
now spilling onto you
that makes you not pick up the phone
when i call
to try to tell you
exactly this

Staring at the holy hands of the one woman i have truly worshiped
the only one who deserved it
I know I do not have it
And it had been 5 months since I saw her but at the mere sight of
her small self
those ears i adored
her arms that i knew so well
my chest broke in half and i had nothing to say
everything to say
but it’s not the appropriate time
good god- now’s not the time
so i held the words inside my throat
and stared at the sky while you were talking to your new roommate
about the brand of cigarettes you now smoke
and i remember always hating that you smoked
because i wanted you to live the longest life
because you were my favorite person
because in many ways, you still are
even though we hardly know one another
we will always know the major details
how our loyalty comes out during the important times
how we view cereal as a meal
how you know the stupid things i do to try to impress you
when i hate trying to with anyone else
yet we don't know any of the small details
like what each other had for breakfast
what our last t-shirt purchase was
or when we last cried
that is, until tonight
and there you were,
going on about how American Spirits are now a thing of comfort for you
and my mind can't help but wonder
what it is that you need comfort for
but tears are welling up in my eyes
so instead, i stare at the sky
and try to block out your speech with stars and unseen things

not going to do anyone
any good
being in love with someone
who does not want it

in a perfect world

i took a joint
from the nightstand
he'll never know
she took my heart
from the walls i built up
she'll never know

be gentle
be gentle with yourself
for the times i will not

and i promise you
i wish i held grace
but i know none
when it comes to love
darling

i can't stop listening to this song

i can't stop
well, i'll at least commit to something

i write
so i don't tell you
think of it as
a form of protection
of a way that you won't have to deal
nor address
maybe you'll read this
maybe it'll make you feel something
most likely not
in either scenario

i am reminded
of when
you gave me the People magazine that had haunted me my entire life
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of my body beneath you
your chest inches above mine
as you were inside of me
you told me you loved me
and i held back tears
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of waking up next to you
in one of our beds
the countless times
your naked back
shoulders pressed against my chin
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of you making the
effort to come visit me
long taxi rides, even longer bus rides
and you'd wait for me at the bar
at my work
seat 3 always
and you would not be able to stop looking at me
with your nervous, beautiful eyes
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of driving
you
smoking beside you
in that moment,
i knew friendship

i am reminded of you
and i am reminded of everyone not you
and i have only felt this way
about one other person
and i know she will forever haunt me
and i question whether or not you will too
true love
heavy love
is what i felt for you.

and here you are
looking
beside me
inside me
i cannot see beyond it
beyond you
i feel your absence
i see into it
looking away
logic would say that i should not miss you this much
being the short time we have known each other
but logic has nothing to do with tonight

This gin
It ain't workin
But I'm trying
And this conversation having around me
Only reminds me that you are not the one talking
So I am in this bathroom
In a bar I won't remember tomorrow
Thinking of you
My darling
You

Everything reminds me of you
Goddamm
You

fight it

when i’m in it

but honestly,

these kind of nights alone

are the ones i’ll remember most

everyone on here

we are all writing about the same thing

lost love

gained love

broken hearted

learning to live (again)

hell, you know i’m no different

but i wanted to be

the one woman who could present to her a tarnished offering

something worthwhile

something that would make her see

that i’ve loved hard before but it’s next level when it comes to her

could hardly even try to explain that before i got shut down

with

"we weren’t even together-so i can’t really end it"

so, i swallow my words

because you’ve no use for my nouns or verbs.

I remember waking up to your texts

it would baffle me-the various ways you could say “good morning”

you kept it interesting and i fell asleep every night smiling, knowing i would hear from you

but now my phone stays silent most of the time

the blanket where you came is still in the corner of the house

the ***** laundry pile reminding me of the last time you were here

but the mark is more than a stain

it is a clear vision of what we were for a time

for some months

but then something changed

your love don’t mean what it meant before

and confusion never felt so constant

and “sorry” doesn’t quite mean much anymore

And then I say to myself
"Chill out. Nothing is that extreme nor important."

Is what people say to lessen the blow
of hearts benign
I stare at you and want nothing more
than the time you give me
yet your mind races and you fight yourself
while giving it
It's not the best feeling but I am feeling it.
You say you don't want love and I hear it.
You say you want only a friend so I'll be that.
Give me that chance rather than posing and stalling your words- I can see you using your mouth as a trap.
You're gonna **** off what was once such an easy, beautiful thing
All because you don't believe I can be what you need.
And that simply is- a friendship so deep
only we could understand, only we could reach.

You wanna hold my hand
You wanna break my heart
You wanna share your mind
With no regard

Oh, you're gonna lose me
If you keep this up
I believe in loyalty
But I'm not a fool
At least not yours.

the meticulous beast
of what it is
that you are
and what you are not
is something that cannot
consume me any longer.

you want a friend.
you want a lover.
you want nothing really.
yet i would be all three things to you
if you let me.

could go crazy over
this
over
analyze
over
think
this
but i'm over
over thinking
so you come to me
with what you will
when you will
and that's just what we call life,
now ain't it?

to wake
and see it
was frustrating
but no one's gonna **** up my way

the past of you
hides
and taunts
in interesting ways
i am learning
how to develop
a soft
armor
around
my heart
and mind
in order to move
(you)

don't need a label
to have you be mine
i'm yours
i've been
since the night
these eyes
caught on to you

i swear,
your voice split the room
and my brain
into two halves
a visual i could not apprehend
or understand
so i didn't try

i wanted you
in my mind
i was already on top of you
but i sat there
with an ache that ran through
my body
while you spoke about
your favorite things
and recited popular rap songs

you held my hand at the corner of the bar
for a brief moment
and i died
i lived
my ******* heart fell to the floor
and i swallowed my words
along with my sighs

months later
and you give me the same effect
it's sad to think
that you may never
know this
that you question this
when it's the truth
i cling to most

i know that
upon leaving
this town
i will have
changed
and i'm grateful for it
i'm grateful for anything

twice
on repeat

and it's at times like that, i'd rather just walk
into unknown spaces
but at least i'm moving

as if i could

be gentle
i said
be gentle
as i'm fumbling small gestures of love
in my hands
i'm holding
tiny strands of wanting
fall between my fingers
i want nothing
i want it all
i want to be gentle to myself
when it comes to this

when really all i want
is to lay in your lap
and recite my love for you silently
in my head
while reading my favorite excerpts
of Kerouac
"The Subterraneans"
out loud

"and i go home, having lost her love and write this book"

long after you are gone
you are still here

i could sink in this daydream
for
ever
but i don't believe in forever much

what are words
but tools to help us either
heal
or hurt
offend
or mend

i can't worry either way

your voice
sounds different
that is
after the initial
"hi"
you always greet me with

it is then and only
then
that you were the woman i fell in love with
the only one in this world who knew
our secret
we lived like children then
and worshiped every second

you, huddled in our land of blankets
you, skin that never left mine
life was simpler back then
it was hours
and ours alone

you used to hate to talk on the phone
and i imagine you still do

tonight
amongst all nights
my brain is running from me
holy screaming beneath
and i am gone
and i am loving it
your words give my body a physical reaction
i feel your wounds in my teeth
and i know you've a mind full of questions and doubts about me
but i want you to know that i'll stick it out
i'll stay around
because i'm in love
and you're all i see

you lay in my lap
your head a gentle weight
hair, black and unkempt
you stared at my eyes and whispered
"you know you can't look back"
and I never knew what it was that you meant
until tonight
6 years later

later i would lay in your lap
and sigh silently as i mustered the courage
to tell you
strangely that i was in love with you
the night before i was to move
i'm so glad i did

what we got into
inevitably ended
but you were the age of love
that i know will forever
be embedded

the telephone feels foreign in my hands
when you call
your calls always come without notice
without fail though
once every 3 months
never more
sometimes less
and i have come to expect
nothing
and be happy with what i can get
your attention is devoured
enamored i am by your instability
what the **** is that with me?
i laugh and simply shake my head
because there is nothing simple about
lost love
or heartbreak
or letting go
and girl, i've let go months ago
but you keep your hook
left cleft
embedded in my lip
and you won't fully
let it roll

one night
one simple night

caution
be cautious, my mind says
and i'm halting
slowly pacing my thoughts
dragging them in a line
until i see which space is mine
and it's taunting.
the leveler
is the true decider
of where this will go
of what love will deny here
i am blood i am mire
hung up on the fence that you straddle
but i've allowed the noose and the wire

last love's shadow,
exhausting
my mind is a rat race
shook and breaks
and i am not withholding
arms upon arms
wring your regrets around my neck
my darling
i'd still kiss every finger
until you've nothing left
we'll overthink this to death
and then it's up to you
where you'll stand
what's next

This hell in my head
I can't shake it
This hell in my head
I can't fake it

I think about it all
about what was lost
I think about it all
about what we had

'Cause no one's gonna **** up my way
No one's gonna **** up my way now

If I told you what's on my mind
in the night
would you be careless with it
would you fight

What an odd thought
of what's not, of what's gone
A strong bond
I knew it wasan't the one

This hell in my head
I can't shake it
This hell in my head
I can't fake it

Babygirl told me to own that ****
so I'm gonna own that ****
gonna wrap my legs and heart around it
'til the armor, it cannot fit

Babygirl told me to own that ****
so I'm gonna own that ****
gonna wrap my legs and heart around it
'til you cannot but feel this *****

How strange
How strange
It is to love
How strange
How strange
It is at all

no armor
needed
when it comes to you

only ardour,
undressed.

your love
it gives
your love
it tests

my initial thoughts
on what it was that
i even thought loving is

archaic
like the times
i used to play basketball
in the street in front of my house
with my brother
(David)

archaic
like the times
i sat on my bed
crossed legged and
filled with wonder
(terra)

archaic
like the times
you would braid my hair
and i knew you loved me
(Faith)

archaic
like the times
we finished each other's poems
on the rooftop of your tiny bedroom
(Lucas)

archaic
like the times
you took me for night drives
and we listened to new music
without speaking
and i knew that we didn't have to
(Strands)

archaic
like the time you took me
to Stinson Beach and
we played basketball
on a tiny heath
and you kissed me
wholly
fully knowing
we wouldn't last
(Strands)

archaic
like the times
all the times
these lives
that we live

your tethered past
lingers and surfaces on days it chooses to
and i'm left guessing which mood will greet me in the
morning
i'll always live in your last love's shadow

wrap my arms around you and miss you
as if i've the right to
well, now we do
and we allow it

words
leave me
confused
minute by minute
playback commentary
but i've no listen left

It's not confusing
just the past is all

such a heavy love
at times, i choke
on the shape
of forgetting you

your voice breaks
as you tell me
why it is you are back
in the town we both call "home"

well, "home" is a word i haven't used in a long time
and i don't know if I plan on to
anytime soon

i am merely human so all i do is exhale on the telephone
and whisper "i'm sorry you're going through this"
as my mind races and wanders to peaks and cliffs
in all the efforts to embrace you
and heal what life will inevitably crack