roaming through the desert of a foreign land
blood on my hands
armor made from the pieces of sand
bleeding out
unable to shout
there are no echos
or other lifeforms to hear my pleas
dying of thirst
i drop to knees

until behold

a shadowy figure looms over me
holding a canteen
smiling ferociously

unable to speak
desperation fills my eyes
eyes dried up not able to cry

no empathy
a statue of apathy
with a slow stare
you vanish right past me

I want to stare into your eyes
where they are free from lies
I want you to see within me
where you can be free
I want to melt you in soft kisses
and heal the blisters left by clumsy others

This steel knot in my throat is suffocating
the life out of me
keeping me from speaking my thoughts freely
letting them accumulate inside
like an infestation
of confusion
and frustration.

My thoughts are whirring
in and out of my ears
I’m pulling my hair
and breaking these glasses
in replace of my voice box that is lacking.
These gnawing parasites are stuck
in my growing pale
limp body
the darkness has spread and
the angels have died
I want so desperately to tear off my skin
and rip out this heart
so maybe then
I could have a fresh start.

I'm prepared to wait for you
faces dull in comparison
to your love

I won't rush
instead
I'll trust the look
in your eyes
that exposes your lies

I'll smile and be happy
knowing that you're
growing
into an even
greater man

and I'll try my best
to cultivate enough love
to be a better version
of the woman
you first fell for

I want late night drunk calls
about who gives a **** what.
I want your **** opinionated voice
ringing in my ears.
I want you to **** me
by only intriguing my mind.
I want someone open
and honest
That doesn't leave me blind.
I want poetry
of how the alcohol that burns in your throat feels just
as if you're saying my name.

I just want to be left alone
to read my books,
write my poetry,
and listen to my music
in peace.
I'm too tired
to stand up. I'm too tired
to talk.
I want to be left alone
to sleep.

I swear I don't mean to look
like a *****.
I am just ******* TIRED.
I am just
really tired
and weak.

Its this strangling feeling in my chest,
my throat is shut dry.
No words can describe it
This eternal empty feeling
in the pit of my stomach.
This feeling of water welling in my head,
about to overflow behind my eyes.

Like a loopy bumble bee
filled with carefree
wanderlust
buzzing through the spring alone
Until I found you
my bullheaded
Scorpion
With a structured and
grounded, practical heart
that became my
welcoming
honeycomb ❤

Chilly winters
where your frozen fingertips feel like splinters
across my gentle skin

do you even care?

That im here wasting away
your smile plagues me
my words begin to sound like a sad melody

do you even care?
do you even care?

These cigarettes are making me lightheaded
the bed doesnt feel the same
Your laugh is all that plays

repeatedly,
repeatedly,

These sad songs dont suit me
but you're entrusted in my memory
saved
but unwillingly
I'll sing sweet songs and drink till
Im smiling endlessly

repeatedly
repeatedly

she was quiet
and always kept to herself
her face was soft
and her smile was innocent

although she's shy
don't mistake her for naive
because behind that smile
was a snarky smirk  
and if you looked in her eyes
you could see the sharp disinterest

Nowhere to turn, nowhere to run
No beginning nor from
Just forward
And only forward.

Self criticism.
Awkwardness.

Conflicted personality.

I spend hours on end
perfecting my looks.
Eyeliner to energize my eyes,
blush to bring affection
into my smile,
compassion,
and pink lips
to mesmerize you.

But inside I'm a storm raging
of self doubt.
I have demons inside,
that I can't hide
by my superficial skills,
no matter how hard I try.
It doesn't work.

What's wrong with you?

I thought I was fine.

But you're not. Do you hear yourself?

I'm talking to myself. This has become normal.

How come some days you're fine? You're energized,
lively, fun, and outgoing?
Then on others, you can't even get words out
loud enough?
I don't understand myself anymore.
But I'm trying. God, I'm trying.

I'm a mess.
A scattered mess. I can't breathe.
What do I look like to other people?
Do I care?
I'm causing my own demise.
I'm digging my own grave.
I am my own enemy.
I am my own worst enemy.

A girl who's trying to balance herself.

listening to the songs of your heart
holding back tears
welling behind my eyes
chest caving
can't think
im not breathing right

you take my breath away
and stick it in your box
where your feelings hide
closed off
sealed in
tucked tight

im too tired to fight
hold me
kiss me
miss me
come alive
and bring me back with you

i dont want to be a zombie
im begging
please
please
open the box
relinquish detrimental thoughts
im scared
im screaming
wake up
wake up
wake up

please, wake up

4 in morning
Street lights blinding
The sound of wind crying
The rain hits my face
Reminding me that life is calling
My minds stalling
Clinging to sleep
But my eyes won't follow
Day by day
This numbness settles
That my dreams may be nothing
At expense to this dense
Hollow plane
That we call reality
But feels like pain
What is there to gain
Through loss of perception
Of this seeming blessing
Every day is a lesson
To buck up
And not **** up
Tormenting my soul
My body's adjusting to the cold
Far reaching
To this land
Of far away desires
To my ultimate admires
Maybe there I'll be
An elegant flower
In spite of the weather
Finally having my **** together

You are the comfort of a
warm blanket,
wrapped tight around
my body
in those chilly winters.
You are the soft
spring breeze,
that makes the grass
gently sway.
Like the sun that hangs
faithfully in the sky,
you're my lifeline that
saves me,
everyday.

Leave, I don't blame you.*
I'd even abandon me if I could.

Even though I've been battered,
bruised,
and torn,
I know if I stumble,
and lock eyes with your hazels,
I'll truly melt inside.

rose gold eyes
with a smile that hypnotized
and covered up her lies
will her beauty only be defined
by whats on the outside?

mentally sharp razor blades going across
her skin
where her demons begin
will the world ever notice her
for what's truly within?

this may be long overdue
and my vision may be askew
but the way I feel with you
no matter the way I try to overthink it
my heart would never deceit

you're engraved in my mind
and overtime
the wind has still not eroded
the day you first made my heart explode

Its 2:30 am
and
here I am blowing cigarette smoke
into the wind
While sitting under the cloudy skies
I desperately wish to dissolve
into the night

The thought of being without you
doesn't make my chest sink like it used to
I can listen to our old songs and smile happily to myself
without going wild from crushing memories
I don't know how I feel about you now
but it's not bitterness
or even regret
I loved being loved
and showering you in affection
but now I must fall in love with myself
and realize that even being alone is a blessing

The full moon hung in the inky sky,
accompanied by tiny glimmering stars.
The chilly summer air kissed my skin,
giving me goosebumps that reminded me
that I was alive.
That this world was mine.

The darkness of the night filled me,
with a surge of lust, power, and freedom.
Your bright eyes held an enigmatic spark,
that magnetized my midnight mirrors.
Time had become stagnant.
There was a magic,
so passionate,
planets moved.

Nights like this I can't seem to function.
The Wellbutrin and Klonopin aren't
working anymore.
No matter if I double the dose.

I want to be happy.
I want to be loving.
But I'm going insane in my mind
and I want to pluck every strand of my hair out.
I want to tear off this skin
and smash my brain in
so my thoughts can finally roam freely
and not racing in my head.

As I walk through the halls,
I barely exist.
It's all a drift.

After all you said
about being there for me
through thick and thin
and you loved me for who I was
and not the sexiness of my skin
You said this time you wanted to stay, to marry me
but
It was my depression that drove you away.

Simple arguments
Pouty lips
Im a constant headache
With relief in between
But looking at your smile
Cant help but make
My fragile lil heart
Sing

Although its not evident
Im glad to be your Queen

i want to grow old with you
own three kids
two twins
several cats
in a lovely country flat

i want to feel your body heat
each night
cuddled up
while holding each other tight

i want to cook breakfast with you
only in our underwear
dancing
singing
a sight that the kids would be too embarrassed to bear

i want to walk down the aisle
and see you at the end
dressed in your finest with that cute hidden smile
knowing that it was worth it to go the extra mile

cigarette smoke and black n milds
im tired of things that dont matter to me
from a dystopian family
to my unfulfilled being
im sick of things swallowing me
the wind blows and the trees rattle
no stars tonight
but when will i be free
manipulation and guilt
im trapped in walls of 3
family
careers
and who i want to be

Here comes the heavy heart
and ******* thoughts already beginning to start.
Here comes the feeling of my face turning embarrassingly hot from  finding out something I more than likely should have not.
Here comes the "**** it" attitude mixed with "I'm really ******* ****** at you".
Here comes the passive aggression with built up tension; but nevertheless, I hold my thoughts inside because of my worthless transparent pride.
Here comes the overall "what's the point anymore when all the side effects of love just leave me sore?"

It's closing in
Holding back tears
My nose is running
The stuffed feeling in my head is returning
Burning
Ringing
Trapped in the shower
I can't stop screaming
At these weights
Intruding
Deluding
That's crushing
And crushing
My only safe space

I don't have a way with words.
I'm constantly saying **** I don't mean or when I do say what I mean
It only hurts.
I'm constantly misunderstood no matter the way I word and align these letters.
My mind is not put together and the way I express myself isn't any better.

*I'm sorry.

You hate the fact that I sleep too much
But you also hate the fact that I don't sleep enough
What exactly do you want from me: I  don't know
But I can give you the brightest glow just in my smile
And that sparkle in my eye that drives you wild
My depression doesn't define me
because I am a beauty, your queen
But if you can't handle the darkness of me as well
Then obviously you aren't fit to be my king

I picked up the pen
and paper again
Only where will my
journey begin?
Fluttering hearts
frozen with chills
trying to defrost with
nothing but beer.

From a cheeky smile
to swollen eyes
able to change from a loud
carefree soul
to a silent volcano
able to erupt any minute
able to form friendships eagerly
but drop them suddenly

A social lone wolf

Viewed by my right brain
as lively, intuitive, an old soul

Viewed by my left brain
as questionable, bipolar,
and deeply morose

All in all
just an alien to myself

A prism of light and dark
with many different sides
stuck in my head
balancing on the edge
between sanity and insanity
all hidden by this
dimpled grin

What I learned from this world
is that you can't expect loyalty from someone else.

It does not matter how close you are.

The only loyalty you are sure to get is from you to yourself.

life is weird. life is lonely. we have all these people that love us. we all have friends and family, but somehow life still ends up feeling lonely for each of us. i believe that we'll always feel that way, but life really isn't terrible. feelings and emotions can muster into things you never expected. they can take a shapeless form. not to be fake deep, but feelings propel and restrain. feelings rustle, feelings harbor inside and out. with me knowing that, it's hard to stay upset. i'm not necessarily happy, i'm **** ******* lonely. but i can only hope that there's things like internal success and interaction that can make me feel full for a bit. i wanna be something for people. i wanna be what i want to be in this world and more, while i'm here. from the moon to the stars, i wish to be tranquil, happy, loving and loved.

And our meeting was just a thrill I was meant to experience in order to become more real
The fuller version of me that I kept repressing finally combust and catapulted me in the right direction
To find a love that would accept me
And honor me
By showing up with respect and full authenticity
Transparency is not earned, it is a must and
Fated or not
Predetermined or not
No longer will I let Cupid’s arrow being shot take away what I was born with inherently
A love that I am deserving of and is my true destiny
Momentary desires are fleeting compared to a slow burning fire that nurtures and inspires
So maybe you were nothing more than a spontaneous flicker
That fizzled out once you realized my flame was indeed, much bigger

And after all we been through
Whenever I hear "Wonderwall"
I still think of you..

with tears streaming down my face
bathed in sorrow
i emerged from my sullen state
to a figure lending a hand
eyes swollen
but the aura was clear
felt like a familiar warmth
from a masked entity
wiped the streams
and invoked light beams
shining throughout me
wings expanding
i would finally fly

she was the kind of crazy people thought they liked
had a bit of a wild streak
not much of a filter
and didn't really distinguish who could get with her

at least
that what they thought was all to her

in reality
behind that beautifully masked facade

she was a fragile girl
going through the world
looking only for affection
with maybe just a hint of validation

her eyes dreamed for the world
thinking she was ready
going head first but never steady
not afraid of difficult feats
but quick to leave if her desires never meet

maybe she was fickle
loathed tediousness
and badgering of regrets
(also, the grossness of sweat)

but on the contrary
her patience was weary
and with the dullness of life
she was starting to lose her faith in faeries

maybe a bit scary

but you
you loved her
full and through
and there was nothing
you would not do
just to hear that goofy laugh
and see that dimpled grin

you finally came to terms with it,

your love for her was a blissful sin.

Where's an outlet when you need it? Searching for power
Power in myself
In my words
Power to let go and finally disperse

I say
Mouth shut
Too damaged to work

Wipe those tears away
and fix your face
Clean the blood
thats dripping down
your arms

You're going to be wearing long sleeves for a while.

God forbid these scars are seen
or right back to the mental hopsital
you go

I remember being too scared
to climb on the tire swing
We karate kicked it
We laughed so hard
I felt like a little kid again
We got lost in each other
that the time had slipped
And in that darkness
your eyes were still just as bright
as the stars above us.

She doesn't have the fairest snow white skin, and naturally straight silky hair. If it isn't the common stereotypical European looks that would classify her as beautiful, it would be the way she covers her smile when she's shy, or the way she glows when you remember just a small detail about her that shows you care. What makes her beautiful is her bright butterscotch skin and deep dark eyes that you say "has a sparkle in them", outlined with bags that has nothing to do with how much sleep she has. What makes her beautiful is the way she nestles into your neck and makes the sweetest sighs. What makes her beautiful is the way she can go from a raging storm destroying everything in her path, to a seductive flirt who always gets her way, to a truly sweet innocent girl who makes the cutest baby-like noises that you start to catch yourself doing too and it becomes you two's own secret language. What makes her even more beautiful, is that to others she looks cold and detached, but to you, you see a whole broad spectrum within her that she gladly opens to you, and only you.

Your eyes are mirrors of
the blue ocean sea,
and I'm drowning with
every look,
you take of me.
Your stature is tall,
and you have a look of
pride,
but your heart is soft
and gentle,
which drives me wild.
Such delicate skin,
and a soul warming
smile,
you bring peace to my
fierce spirit,
I hope you stay for a
while.

dull, gray faces
compared to your eyes
these things mean nothing
compared to how you make me feel

this may be a deal breaker
but I want to be your only love maker

look me in my eyes
and tell me you don't realize
that my heart beats for you
and that my feelings are true
though I have no right
I've had this fight for too long
and your smile is my favorite song
I'm love sprung

laugh at me
brush me off
even if my face turns hot
this feeling inside my heart
will not burn out

this isn't an apology
but instead an anthology
of past mistakes
I'd like to break and amend
with the admittance of my sins
and offering of everything
I have within