When you are sick
Helpless
Stuck on bed rest
That blue is what keeps you alive
That liquid blue
The blue that eases all the pain
The blue that goes down so soothingly
Liquid blue
Blue like the ocean you'll never swim in
Blue like the sky you'll never touch
Blue like the tears that roll
If you don't have it

a cross between the sky, the ocean,
and blood; like that of a tiger, they
run the form of moral existence and the being of lifting corners on pink
and pale flesh, wanting to sink in like the visible pores

you got me daydreaming
staring at the ceiling
searching for a meaning
daydreaming
waiting for the stars
and wishing on the sun

holding your breath
while driving past cemeteries
because if they can't breathe,
why should we?
what makes us better than them?
just because we have air in our lungs we are alive
except the dead could be more living than any one person with air in their lungs
2:45pm 8/17/14

when a candle burns the wax melts into itself. then the flame gets blown out and the wax hardens; then the flame gets relit and the wax warms up again, tenets and takes more of the candle with it everytime. the candle does this until the wick is gone and the candle is no more. so do not let your burdens or your past be candle wax to you because it will eat you alive until you are no more. instead, when your flame is lit, blow out the match and glow on your own.

Do you know how much you really messed me up?
     This is not a poem of love, but of sadness, sorrow, rage, and hatred.
     I am sad when I get flashbacks of all those times you let me down. All those times I cracked; sat shattered, on the ground like broken glass, but you were screaming too loud to hear my cries of terror.
     The inescapable terror that is my life.
     These flashbacks then put me into a deep sorrow. Where I isolate myself, because with every tear I'm tearing down the emotional block that I stayed up at night, while not getting any sleep, to build. So you, or anyone really, could never could come in.
     Once I am drowning in this sorrow, and my body is still because I've stuck to one position to keep me from pacing, it turns to rage and my body (bones) starts shaking. I can feel the blood in my veins heat as I gather up what's left of me from the area surrounding me. With these sharp, broken pieces I starting building. And as I build the usual wall around me with every piece I place, a stream of swears comes rolling off my tongue, in regards to you, and I pretend that each piece is in you, harder than the knife permanently in my chest.
     And once my barriers are back, I continue to hate you with the deepest hatred I can muster up from my broken soul.

don't get hung up on me
because im about to hang up the phone
got him knocking at the door
silencing you

no need to call me back

it'll ring twice
then dial tone
you should've known
not to get hung up on me
because i'll hang up on you

i don't have to be nice
when you're trying too hard
to kiss me through the phone

muted

the mountains just sit there, helplessly beautiful.
bumpy and jagged,
the clouds cape over them.
and they don't realize
that every rock is in its place,
creating the perfect landscape.
and when the sun rises
over their curves
they don't see the beauty
in their layers and their history.
they allow nature to take them over,
without giving it further thought.
they let life explore its wonderland,
as the depths of the shadows get deeper,
and their peaks higher.
not even realizing the envy,
that they embrace.
although sometimes,
they do crumble and break,
under all that pressure,
but that doesn't even faze their onlookers,
because even their downfall
is a sight to see.

serial killer love 3/1/17
you've never killed anyone but you did ****** my sense of being, my hope in security, and any trust i still had left.
you never touch dead human flesh, but you made my skin melt, my heart skip, and my lungs gasp for air.
you'd never admit to it, but everything you said held my heart and your silence ripped it out.

did it feel good? making me feel bad.
do my tears get you off?
does my incapability to move on keep you going?

you are a person, but also a ****** weapon.

so next time you rip a girl apart, please stay to stitch her back together.

serial killer lover 3/2/17**
but it wasn't even love at all. it was all part of the game you were playing. you are simply a serial killer lover, and nothing more. you break hearts to add to your collection, but you have no recollection of the bruised bitten bodies you leave behind on your search for warm flesh.

when the number of miles exceeds the number of beats skipped
and the number of tracks exceeds the number of skips allowed
and you're forced to hear every word spoken through your headphones
and with every lyric is a stab in the chest
and a painful reminder of the lights flashing past
and so you wipe under your eye
and try to forget his hand wrapped around the steering wheel
and how nine hours never gave us a chance

For a long time there has been a storm cloud over me.
It is always raining,
no matter what,
sometimes when I'm with people it just drizzles,
but other times it pours.
And I'm drowning in the constant raincloud.
And I always seclude my because I don't want to get other people wet with my downfall.
And I often try to cope with it by holding an umbrella,
but that never works
because it's hard to stay dry when you're standing in a puddle.
But when someone comes along with their own umbrella
and an extra pair of rainboots,
it's really nice
because you can almost see a sun beam shine through you cloud
and start to break it up,
in hopes that there's a clear forecast in your future.

I sit in front of the computer
with my hands on the keys,
not typing anything.
I am at a holt.
I have writers block, I guess you could say.
My head is at a blank,
just completely empty.
I type a word, then erase it.
I look out the window, then back at the screen.
I type another word,
a new word, a different word.
I read it over again and again.
Then I hot backspace,
and it's gone,
just like all my thoughts,
like every idea I've ever had.
My page is blank, my curser blinking,
my cursing increasing.
Maybe I shouldn't be a writer,
maybe I should try something new,
take up something else.
Something else just to fail at,
to not succeed.
That's my biggest achievement
and my greatest pet peeve.

feeling belittled and trampled down
and can't seem to find out how
to make people stay

some one please tell me
why i drive people away

when you're alone so often
you start to wonder
and conclude
that it's all just you

how do i make everyone want to leave

i try so hard to show my love
but it must be wrong

it's hard to the ones that come and go
when i'm the only one still here

i get walked on because i wish on it

i just wished it wouldn't be that easy

My throat hurts from screaming
Screaming, "Stop!"
"Stop the beating!"
My heart hurts from seeing
"Stop the bleeding!"
My heart hurts from feeling
My head hurts from the memories
The memories, of the sounds
The sounds of the screaming
I hurt
I hurt on the inside
The inside of my soul
Where emotions are stored
Emotions you can never let go
You can try
Try by screaming
But you can't let them go
They follow you
They follow you everywhere
They are present at all times
Just screaming in your ear
Screaming, "Stop!"
"Stop the beating!"
The beating of my heart
Please stop
Stop screaming
Stop hurting
Stop seeing
Stop feeling
Stop beating
Stop the bleeding
Please stop

when the number of miles exceeds the number of beats skipped
and the number of tracks exceeds the number of skips allowed
and you're forced to hear every word spoken through your headphones
and with every lyric is a stab in the chest
and a painful reminder of the lights flashing past
and so I wipe under my eye
and try to forget his hand wrapped around the steering wheel
and how nine hours never gave us a chance

(nine hours away, you are, nine hours away)

there isn’t a mile short enough for us
not enough love to make up for the distance
the distance between us
because you’re falling through my fingertips
and I can’t keep this grasp if there’s no reception on your side
and you can’t hear me in Arkansas
saying I want to be wrapped in your arms

i need you here with me
to help me see
why it can’t be

when the number of miles exceeds the number of beats skipped
and the number of tracks exceeds the number of skips allowed
and you're forced to hear every word spoken through your headphones
and with every lyric is a stab in the chest
and a painful reminder of the lights flashing past
and so I wipe under my eye
and try to forget his hand wrapped around the steering wheel
and how nine hours never gave us a chance

(nine hours away, you are, nine hours away)

should’ve never lead me on
knew you’d be gone

trip should be a breeze
driving out of my grip

but I need you here with me

Every day is the same thing, the same routine. Every morning I wake up earlier than I would like too, and waste my daylight inside a confined concrete building that feeds off of conformed thinking and dead end ideas. Seated at desks, row after row, are robots in training being programmed by words written on white walls with various colors, coded for correction.
          We walk the halls of so- called "social structure" like veins and arteries with no source of life. Sit. Stand. Strut. No strolling. We must coagulate with the clicks of the clock. Strive. They cut our wires and reroute them periodically. Don't soar. Stay. They have us tied down by the laces of our shoes to keep us here, to keep us from wandering, because wandering leads to wondering. We are each a 12 point letter, of the same font, standing, double spaced, staring at the same blank paper in front of us.
          Except every now and then, there's someone that gives off a little more reception than is acceptable. Between the cords connecting our control panels is cartilage, flowing through our system software is life and thoughts and memory. When our thumb drive is hooked up to our monitor, our eyes open bigger, with three cones, we see a spectrum that was once incapable. When we leave our daily life with a wrong, or right, turn we feel the drops of water falling from the sky on our hands and we don't immediately go up in flames, instead we let out a sigh of relief.
          The next day I try to install this into others, but only to be told I am simply short circuited. But I know better now, I am not malfunctioning. I was struck by lightning and now my brain is storming.

i'll let you go on
won't hold you back anymore
don't wanna tie you down
shouldn't have to make you stay
so leave
leave me today
this isn't easyy for me
but you need to leave
leave me today
can't do this countdown
don't do goodbyes
won't plan for the future
no, play it by ear
because you can't be here
and i can't make you stay
cause you won't even look back
to see me collapse

we'll be alright
what are we holding onto anyway
can't hold you back anymore
so move on
move on
move on
don't want to tie you down
so leave
leave me today

because you're already gone
and weren't even mine to begin with
so move on
move
from what we're not

don't want to leave
don't want you to stray
but i can't make you stay

so move
baby, move on
from everything we're not
everything i wanted us to be

leave me
leave me today

couldn't make you stay anyway

i really want to talk to you,
and lie with you,
and ask you why you left without saying goodbye,
and why you chose her over me,
and why you couldn't wait just another short moment,
because i've spent a ton without you
and in that time i have realized that
i have nothing to say to you.
the glow you put into my eyes has dimmed
and the seeds you planted in my heart are dead to me.
you died the second that you sent that,
interrupting my thoughts.
and now instead of feeling your thumb run back and forth along my leg,
i feel my blood start to boil when i think of what you've done to me
and how your hand will never have the chance to move from my calf to my thigh.

you you you
you
you you

i should've never let you in
let you into my world
my heart
me

you turn me to ocean
bringing salt to my irises
compliments of violets
forever sunset gazing
but never sunrise

i really want to talk to you, and lie with you, and ask you why you left without saying goodbye, and why you chose her over me, and why you couldn't wait just another short moment, because i've spent a ton without and in that time i have realized that i have nothing to say to you.
the glow you put into my eye has dimmed and the seeds you planted in my heart are dead and need to be dug up because you are dead to me.
you died the second that you sent that, interrupting my thoughts.
and now instead of feeling your thumb run back and forth along my leg, i feel my blood start to boil when i think of what you've done to me and how your hand will never have the chance to move from my calf to my thigh.

now the stars
(on my ceiling)
have no meaning
and i want them to fade
into the night sky,
the pavement,
the drywall.

the stars will come falling out of the sky and they will fall right through the holes in the bench.

i can't look up, day or night, without thinking of you.
when it's day and the stars are not visible, it reminds me of you because you are not with me.
when it's night and the stars are out, it reminds me that you are no longer there.

i'm turning the page
changing the chapter
and forgetting you
the words you never said
only the ones i ever read
so talk
talk
talk to me
don't need to be close
just feel close
want to run my fingers right through you
but settling for a screen
so much space
between
us
sleeping on skype
sigh on the phone
not letting you go

i think the reason that i loved you is because i did not know you.
i fell in love at first sight, just like you do a movie poster.
it's all a mystery, as were you.
but there's no sequel, not even end credits.
and i'm still unsure if you were sci fi or horror.
i didn't know you at all, i only saw the trailer, but it was thrilling and i never wanted to leave the theatre.
you made me jump back in my seat and kept me up at night.
i just wish there were less extras *and that i was not one of them.

she sighs; sleeping beside you.
your warm, tired, motionless body breathing, not a foot away, radiating heat.
your heart beating slower and slower as you inhale and exhale as the moon shines through your window, forever luminous, like your eyes, that are now tightly ****.
your eyelashes fluttering as she plans her morning escape, contradicting our midnight escapades.
the sun rises as she slowly slips away, just like her, your fingers left mine, once intertwined with me, she untangles herself from you.
her heart left untouched, and me covered in bruises.
your grip tight on her thigh, you break away from me more and more, but the chains get stronger.
you traded our laughs for her screams.
even though the stars smiled down on us when you did.
you twirled my hair as much as you did my tongue. now she just twirls with the door.
your strings still dangling from my eyes, because she runs with scissors and i only own tape that has lost it's hold, since you were out of my grasp.
and falling into her with the lift of a finger, as i fell for you.

your arc has left the dock and i am still on shore.
i crossed my heart that i would not try to float to follow you because surely i would drown.
instead i stood and waded in the waves for a while.
then i let the sand fall from my hands and i said my goodbyes to each grain.

im trying to cope with my pent up feelings but actually i'm drowning in my insanity and anger and sadness. and although i am engulfed and completely surrounded by water i still cannot seem to wash these emotions off of my hands. maybe i need that trigger from myself to clean out my chest and my brain, but in order for that to happen i need to load the bullets and pull, but i don't think i can do that. i am losing grip second by second, slipping and sinking into the depths that i cannot seem to paddle my way out of.

your mind is diluted,
must be,
if you think you're fluent,
don't lack communication
and common characteristics of caring.
must've skipped that chapter
in the book by your side
not once opened

Lights flash by
Blues
Once pretty
Once lining a picture
Now have a whole new meaning
No longer just a filter
But a scare
And a savior
A scar
And a human ranger

get out of me
and let me look inside you
i know there's more to you
so stop blowing trees
and let me get a little deeper

You smoked about a pack a day and you kept on smoking them because you were addicted and you kept on smoking even though they could **** you and you still kept on smoking even though they were killing you.
Meanwhile, I was loving you, unconditionally; hoping that you’d never and that’d be your last pack.
All the while you kept on smoking and I kept on loving you, but you never noticed because you kept on smoking and the smoke would blur your vision and you never saw me clearly, or maybe you did, and that’s why you kept on smoking.
Because it was better to be addicted to something that kills you rather than one that you’re killing with every inhale you take.

i'm going to end all my poems
about you
like how you ended your relationship
with me
how you ripped my heart
out of my ******* chest
abruptly and with no explanation