You can find me running
Racing
From one emotion to another
Restless
Feet twitching the moment I stop
Breathless
I try to gather my thoughts
Panicked
What have I done, What will I do
Pained
My head pounding I can barely stand
Crawling
Attempting to keep moving forward
Crying
Desperate to find some peace
Screaming
I CAN'T BE HERE
… … …
You will find me
Sitting
Quietly, forcing myself still
Practicing
Patience as my bones begin to ache
Breathing
Slowing my manic heart
Calm
Letting go of the ropes that pulled me
Standing
Feeling my feet, firm on the ground
Crying
Grateful to have found some peace
Whispering
I am here now
Bowing
Namaste

Hollow
Used
Empty

Still, the pain flashes through my body
The lightning of a storm
Illuminating the demons
That have made their way to the shadows
I trip over the broken soil on the ground
and lose myself to sorrow

I didn't see this coming
I never do
The clouds do not gather and grey
The sky does not darken
The tears begin before I notice them fall
I fail to slow this panicked breathing
Picking apart my last moments...
What was my trigger this time??

Speechless and empty-handed
Soaked from the downpour
Weak from the memories

I lie on the cold floor with my demons
Allow them their attention
Before I start to dig another grave
Shallower than the one before
Eventually, we will part ways
On foot
Or below the dirt

In moments like these
I welcome the latter.

You don’t need arrows to pierce the skin
Your grief will do just fine
You don’t need insults to stab the heart
Your disappointment is enough
You don’t need a blade to cut the surface
Your tears will do the job
How can I be your daughter
While I’m being the parent you never had
How can I go to you with my sorrow
When a single tear of my own
Sends you reeling in regret and tears
That out last mine
When my past
Turns into your own nightmare
Your hugs turn into me holding you up
Me holding you together
Comforting you
Trying to bandage your wounds
While my own bleed uncontrollably
And when you are feeling great you say “we” are doing great
And when I’m doing stuff on my own
It’s a good thing for you, because my determination will encourage you
And when you are depressed is it all about you and your pain
And when it is my sorrow
You are the first to shed tears and turn it upon yourself
I’m trapped in this darkness
Drowning in my own
And waves of yours just push me farther down
Suffocating because you keep stealing my breath
Dying because you keep me from healing
You tear away my bandages to place upon yourself
And I let you
I help you with my shaky hands
Hold you with my bleeding arms
Comfort you with the little air I have in my lungs
I let my tears fall into your eyes for you to cry
I tell you the words that I long to hear from you
That I long to feel
“Everything will be ok”
I wish this was true
I warm you with my heart
And you greedily accept
Leaving me cold
Inside and out
You take my emotions
Leaving me numb
Robotic
And you tell me you love me
After you just killed me
And yet you have no idea
How far it has gone
How much you take from me
How much I give to you
I may have placed the poison in your hands
But you are the one who used it on me
Again and again
And now you watch me struggle for life
And you say “I wish I could help”
But deep down you need me
Need me to give up my life so you can live
Need me to keep coming back for the antidote
Only to poison me again
Once upon a time you called me “Your Baby”
But now I have no name
Because like everything else
You have taken it from me…

I'm so tired
of your hold on me
You're old
You're fat
You're ugly
You will never be anything more to me
and yet here you are
showing up in my dreams
In my mind
these memories
trying to break me down
when You're not even around
You were young
You were wrong
You were ugly
And I'm oh so tired
Of your hold on me
I'm not broken
and I WILL NOT break
I won't let you
**** me again
TAKE me again
to that dark place
laced with blood
and scars along the way
You were wrong
You ARE ugly
and I will not let you
replace my love for hate
replace my joy for pain
You will NEVER
break me again.

Here I am
Apologizing again
for waking up
And seeing red.
Bitter and cold
The tears flow
Draining all my energy
Pitifully I blame
Restless hours at night
Weakly I blame
My very being...
Being a girl
Being a woman

Yet no condolences
Are shared from him
For waking in fire
Freezing over into ice
That melts and
Falls endlessly
Down my face
Only questions
From man
About the monthly devil
Or accusations
Of going overboard
Yet again...
No boat is offered
To sit adrift in...
Only my being to blame
My shame
Of being a woman....

Light had not yet begun
and still she lie awake

Angrily she stared at her alarm
3 hours till it would sound

Soundly he slept next to her
she listened to his breathing

She felt his warmth
these moments were peaceful and aggravating

Why was her slumber disturbed
while his continued
...
She gave up on sleeping more
only one thing would do now

Coffee....

in...out
in...out
in....
suddenly i have stopped
"BREATHE!"
my mind yells
...out...
Panic washes over me
like waves eager to be on land
drowning in invisible waters
this storm has formed so quietly
all was calm just moments ago
"Calm"... take another dose
down the hatch
serenity is a small white pill....
entrapment is a small white pill...
mind is screaming
heart is racing
body still as stone
BREATHE
BREathe
BReathe
Breathe... ... ....
in...out
as i wait for the storm to pass
in...out
knowing another is soon to follow

i have not forgotten
how to put a pen to pad
but i have been absent

my hands are unsteady
my voice aching
the ink is eager to be released

i have not forgotten
and gladly neither has the pen
I'm ready,
I'm ready to start this relationship again...

It's funny
How easy a task it is
To take apart a razor
For a single blade.

It's funny
How quickly, painlessly
The blood seeps out
Of a single cut.

It isn't funny
How I still feel
Numb.

You told me you loved me
Without uttering a word
The look in your eyes
Would make some hearts flutter
But it makes mine burn
I cannot hold this candle
Your flame is too bright
My wick is broken
My matches used
I sit here freezing
As your arms try to warm me
My body warns me
Colder I become
Alone I will stay
I've been here before
No more, no more....

In this moment there is just us and the music. Slowly goosebumps find their way all over my skin, but I don't dare move; don't want to disturb the perceived peace.... It's anything but- her mind races I'm sure, as she itches her skin obsessively. She types away on her phone... Telling all to someone? I don't know; I don't ask. I just want to be here... Pretend there isn't violent winds pushing her closer and closer to the edge. The storm is not new, it has lingered behind her eyes for the longest time... It's the severity that makes her limbs tremble, her eyes water, and her mind scream. Swallowing another pill to conceal the impending doom, just to skip along in slight denial for a while longer. The blade causes solace for when the faulty fiction fades... Until she swallows more. More. More. More.

Losing control
Willpower
Urgency
Pleading me
Bleed.
What a tempting offer

I watch
As the words I've written stand still,
Bold.
The fire creeps ever closer, enclosing.
I'm mesmerized.
I've written your name
a thousand times,
And always it burns the same...
Quickly, unforgiving, gone.
Only ash, dust,
and my unsatisfied sigh remain.
You do not catch fire
As your name does
But you have left your mark
along my skin
Scorched.
Yet still I linger
Playing with the match box....

Do you know the definition
Of insanity?

Just be still
with me
Close our eyes
as we lay
next to one another
breathe softly
as our fingers intertwine
we don't need words
not even stolen glances
not now
just quiet bliss
warmth in my heart
on my skin
where yours touches mine
forget the deadlines
leave responsibilities behind
just you and me now
breathing together
simple
sweet
these are the moments
I dream about
as long as I can have them
with you.

Sleep has eluded me
restlessness my friend
I keep hearing my voice
the panic arising in my chest
"I can't be stuck here!"
trapped here
falling victim to my own psychosis
what a devil you are
feeding on my insecurities
loneliness my enemy
kicking me while i'm down
searching for a remedy
a resemblance of peace
tranquility you bore me
I'd much rather fall
I've known this sensation
my entire life
I can handle it all

Foolish child
you are crumbling now
failing quicker than ever before
resisting solutions
to hide in conflict
this you cannot fix
there is no perfection
only deception

Tranquility
Closing in on me
Peace is not included
Darkness
Rushing over me
Sleep is escaping
Voices
Screaming out at me
Anger, fear, despair
Loneliness
******* me
Peeling away the facade
Reality
Crashing into me
Fantasies no longer in season
Silence
Laughing out at me
Piercing my heart
Reflection
Deception
Facing the truth
This is me….
Possibly….

the need to express
my unhappiness
mingled with my mask
of forged smiles
gifted to me
since i was a child
pretend to be
who they want to see
that's who you should be
my mind tricks me
the you, you are
is never enough
a shameful mess
blessed with a voice
hushed and ashamed
uneventful
tamed...
but the pen explodes
the paper is alight
fire burning
breaking the night
expression
confession
simple poetry
gifted to me
since i was a child
foolishly i wrote
staining blank paper
with my woes
my depression
my questions
betrayal by family
alone, lost, abused
searching for approval
embrace your child
mother, where are you...
why have you gone?
father is blind
sister is brokenly
holding me tight
protecting me
from our mother
our father...
trapped in a house
closed in
stay in
force normalcy
they must never know
you held your mother
while she wept
your blood staining her sheets
how foolish of you
to ever speak
close your eyes
sing a sweet lullaby
everything will be alright.

The emotions are sprinting
Jumping out in opposite directions
Pulling me apart
My body cannot contain
My mind cannot refrain
Stop her screaming
Screeches coming from my lips
Anguish falling from my eyes
Darkness invading
Stealing my breath away
Creating chaos
To handle chaos
Erupting from defeat
The quiet temptations to bleed again
Have increased their volume
Come to me
I will help you feel
Only sweet, sweet pain
Sincere clarity
Follow these thoughts
A single line of escape
Except it will not stay single long
I can see the scars of past
Healed
But I'm so broken
Break the skin
Watch the blood
Escaping
Witness the healing process
A calming sensation
Follows these thoughts...

Soft warm kisses
tender touches
simple bliss turns...
sudden withdrawal
body trembles
don't make my mind stay
don't let me float away...
cold hard lips
intruding hands
despair and darkness
greets me again
don't tell me that you love me
don't hold you love from me...
gentle bodies mingle
lust and passion
grasping for each other
gasping for air
stealing the innocence
power and greed
don't look at me
don't let me lose your gaze...

My thoughts lead me down
a dangerous path...
who knows if there will be light at the end?
for now there is my shadow
that seems to ever so slightly
consume my being...
blindly i walk forward
to my hope
to my despair
to my fate...

My mind is a constant jumble-****
Of emotions.
Questions.
To-do lists.
Taboos.
Fantasies.
Realities.
Secrets.
I get side tracked
And confused
When I try to voice my concerns
Because I'm concerned on how
What leaves my mouth
Will enter the ears of the ones around me.
How insane will this make me sound?
And sometimes the words flow
Jumping from my throat,
Trapped too long inside.
I need to express all that goes on!
It's been too long,
Since pen has touched paper
Intimately...
Lately I write what needs to be said
But only in the sense of
responsibility.
Emotionally I'm a mess;
Sensibly too.
I'm insensitive to my own being
Simply because I censor myself
for the "need" of others
The need I place for them.
I'm so concerned that I will offend
Off put,
Miss represent,
Everything about me
In a single sentence...
But the crazy seeps out
One way or another.
My tongue will dance
With the devil I have convinced
Myself that is truth.
I'm so afraid of who I am really,
I've made up another being
Who is me
And not me
Or at least who I used to be
Who I am no longer
But whom I still
too often, long for.
Lusting after what I worked so hard
to be free of.
The shackles still whispered on my arms.
The temptation to dive
Undeniably out of control
In order to feel
Complete control
Understanding
Emotions.
Questions.
Taboos.
Fantasies.
Rea­lities.
And those extremely tasty secrets.

I want to feel the type of love,
that undeniably
forcibly
steals the breath from my lungs...

I want to cause the longing,
despair of missing,
loneliness
whenever I’m away...

The entrapment of power
unspeakable beauty,
love
confusion and clarity in four letters.

I find myself
ever concerned
with everything
stopping constantly
thinking...
waiting...
perfection must be reached,
yet there is no such thing...
only I
will see every flaw.
the words don't fall
into place quite as easy
and the thoughts,
though endless...
don't make much sense.
I'm going mad, you see...
blissfully,
I might add.
I laugh at simplicity,
envy it really...
but never able to obtain...
the truth is,
what scares me really,
is the possibility
that I'm totally sane

there is something so comforting when you look at me
as if your eyes hold the answers to my questions
your arms surround me
and with anyone else i would panic
afraid they would soon crush me
but you i know
pull me into a deep embrace to build me up
you may not know that even just your smile
will keep me walking mile after mile
and though we are far away most days
the times when we are close
keep all the fear away.

darling I love you

The following poem is not complete... but I would really enjoy some feedback for what I have already*

The tears start to fall
rolling to the ground
faster she runs
as if speed could stop the pain
clumsy she has always been
in life and love
falling down hard
the sudden halt stole her breath
yet it was the sight before her eyes that made her gasp
the brown blades of grass turned lusciously green beneath her tears
and flowers effortlessly bloomed to life
the sun shone through the gray clouds above
she was caught in its warm embrace
her crying faltered and laughter sang
despair melted away

it's horrible of me to look at him and be in lust
for everything about him
to long to be in his arms
and get lost in his eyes
oh those bright, beautiful, blue eyes
that make me melt and freeze in the same instance.
and oh how I wish he would share with me
the way I have shared with him
the intimate and dark past behind me
how I have cried to him and asked of him
and always he obliges
but not a single tear shown to me
or secret even crept from his lips
oh those wonderful lips
I wonder how they feel
against my own, against my skin
or how sweet the sound would be
to hear those three worlds
I Love You
a symphony written for only me

we have stolen the night together
not in passion
but in so many words
so many glances
and even the question
will you ever love me?
but no.
I have broken that which I wish for daily
when I had him as mine before
I tossed him aside
crushed his heart
and stole his trust
i cheated.
I was young
and in love with another boy
another fool
who made me smile and feel on top of the world
but then took my all
as it had once been taken before
I was lost with him
but too afraid to be without him
...
but long has it been since that chapter was written
and the first man, oh how he has grown
and changed
yet not...
he accepted me
as a friend,
back into his life
kind to me every time we talk
every time I act like a fool
.....
i have apologized so many times
but he says it doesn't bother him
I was just a child
....
how young and stupid I was
...
and now I watch him
love another
ironically with the same name as mine
so how bitter sweet the words sound
when he claims "I Love You Taylor"
my heart races
skips a beat even,
but it is not for me.....
it will probably never be

how horrible of me to think of him this way
to get lost in the thought of his arms around me
or smile when I even see his name...

He is my friend
whom I love....
More then he will ever understand...
I just hope and pray for his happiness...

The compass turns
spinning around to find its correct course
and where the arrow points
we follow

I close my eyes
stretch out my arm, finger pointing straight
I turn
Spin
Laugh
and eventually
fall from dizziness
Still my finger points
directly at the path I did not want to take
but even my silliness knew it was the correct course

Sometimes it pays to be childish

I want to pick up my pen
and draw the sky
with the words as my clouds
that rain inspiration
for me
for all
down the drops fall
and up, spring the flowers
blooming in all colors
bright, strong, and free
they grow and reach for the sun
smiling upon them
their scent dance in the soft wind
capturing the birds and bees
how wonderful this sight I see
the sight I made with simple poetry

I want to stop
And catch my breath
After a kiss is stolen
I want to get lost in time
Gazing into those eyes
I want to feel my heart pound in my chest,
And feel the butterflies
Flutter by so quick in my stomach
I want my smile to linger
Ever so softly as you look
Look deep into my eyes
Love me forcefully
But care for me gently
I am fragile in your arms
Though I have strength to push away
Never let me go
Carry my love in between your hands
Feel it beat for the warmth of your skin
Skin next to mine
Oh so sweet and divine
This thing called love…
In my dreams anyway…

I dreamt about flying again last night...
I had wings of an angel yet they were dark like the night sky.
I flew higher and higher, feeling the chilled air brush against my skin.
I had never felt so alive.
I mingled with the wind itself as I gained speed in this everlasting space.  
A man appeared flying next to me;
He was someone I had never seen before,
And yet I had known him my whole life.
He took my hand and instantly I was warm.
I knew everything about him and I knew he could see everything about me.
He whispered to the clouds as we passed by and they formed his words before my eyes.
Twisting and tangling the message fashioned out ever so gently,
As gentle as his words were when he first spoke them.
I love you. I need you.
Two simple words love and need,
Yet they are the hardest thing for me to give.
Saddened I looked away, but he was there.
It’s ok; he tells me, I love you anyway.
I was filled with a feeling so pure it went straight from my heart to the hands that held his.
I smiled and looked at what surrounded us.
There were birds below and stars above;
We were in between earth and heaven,
In between lust and love.
It was beautiful.
I looked back and was about to speak when I was struck,
By lightning or fire,
I’m not quite sure but it burned my hands.
I pulled away from his, quickly as if he was the source.
And regret instantly shot through me,
I tried to mend the broken touch but I was already at fault.
He had not caused the hurt,
But my body remembered faster than my brain could justify the sensation.
And so I fell recklessly,
Painfully.

When I woke I was alone,
Painfully.