Interrupted my latest terrible nightmare with desire to start this morning with alacrity,
I want to feel alive.
Today was unlike yesterday or the day before that or the day before that…
Unkempt? No. Today, I am not a mess, no matter how much more comfortable I feel to be.
“C’mon” I tell myself, “breathe… 1, 2, 3… breathe.” Here comes anxiety, my best friend.
Always here, it never leaves.
So used to the stoic nature I create for myself when I go out, zero emotions whatsoever for anything, everything.
I think of myself with such animosity, hatred fills my mind.
Vacillating my thoughts, I can’t decide. Do I fight off this “great” friend of mine or do I settle?
Fight off? Can I?
Nice try.
Another fiasco this morning, complete failure. Will it always be this difficult?
I get dizzy. I feel nebulous, so unclear and confused.
Trying to get out of bed, I force myself to feel less maudlin, less emotional for once
Seeing my family in the morning, I seem boorish. Where are my manners?
Succinct conversations, it’s all so brief. “Good Morning” “Hmm…” “You okay?” “Yep.”
I always make them the scapegoat of my self-pity, as if they’re at fault for my mind’s catastrophe.
They probably think that I am never complacent towards them, I don’t try to please them even when it comes to the way they feel… especially that.
One day they might just stop being so kind and it wouldn’t be fortuitous to me, no surprise.
Though I am completely deserving of that, I’d hate for it to happen.
I tend to purposely cause rifts in friendships, I just have to break apart all my friendships.
All these mood swings can become shameful.
Being so adroit with anxiety is shameful, I’ve mastered living life with anxiety and it’s so unhealthy.
It’s the one and only relationship I cannot get rid of.
My best, best friend, anxiety.
