I know I am not allowed to love you anymore
You're not mine and I'm not yours
But the distance is killing me

I haven't been eating much recently,
It's showing in my face.
I look as empty as you left me.

I love you still,
I probably always will
But we aren't eachothers anymore.

I'll never forget the night we were sprawled on your bed,
Hand in hand and legs intertwined.
I asked you if you loved me and you said
"Like nothing else in the world"
You asked the same and I said
"More than myself."

Its been almost two years since then and now we lay close but never quite touching.
Never quite enough.
I asked you if you loved me and all you said was
"Yeah."
But you never asked me back,
And I've always wondered why that was.

I guess it was because we both already knew the answer, we were just so afraid to hear it out loud.

Are you tired of holding the weight of the world on your fragile shoulders?
Somewhere along the way I saw the smile fade from your heart shaped face and soon be replaced with grimace.
You aren't happy, but you're not sure when it got on the next train and fled.
You know you're broken but you're convinced bandaids will hold your shattered bones together.

Let's pretend to be alive
We'll dance in the streets until three in the morning and kiss in the rain
They never look empty inside in the movies
So we'll reenact your favorite love stories and pretend we'd die for eachother
We don't have to admit we're already dead on our own
We can fake this love if we are anyone but ourselves

"Do you love me?"
His face lit up by the blinking lights on his alarm clock, he answers yes.
"Are you in love with me?" I ask, counting as every second goes by in the reflection in his eye.
15 seconds. "Aren't they the same thing?"

The emptiness I feel inside is nothing but a crater I stumbled upon one afternoon
I had been waltzing my way through the wild
Suddenly I was so deep I could barely see out and I watched as all the dancers gracefully moved around the brim.
I wasn't jealous of the way they moved right above me, still breathing.
I wasn't scared that I wasnt,
I was simply a crater.

You were as yellow as the sun
So bright it hurt to stare directly at you
Full of flowers and the smell of spring

I was as blue as the sea
Strong enough to bring you down with a single motion
But unable to stop myself

We didn't mix and make green
Instead I turned darker and so did you

I was waging wars on myself
And I can't thank you enough for trying to dull the pain
But I liked you better when you were yellow

I know it makes me a terrible person to wish you gone but you shined so much brighter in the sun.

Spilled tea and shaky hands
The silent chill spread throughout your body like lightning
The static feeling in your arms while you watch your partner fall asleep on you
Binge watching bad tv shows on a Sunday
The gut feeling that tells you to run
The friend that tells you to go for it
Mental breakdowns on the kitchen floor
An almost lover

They say "to live is to love" but if you've ever carried the weight of another broken soul, you already know that.

I remember so vividly the night you held me in your arms as I cried about everything and nothing,
I swear I can still hear you promise me you weren't going anywhere, you'll always be right here.

I can still see the look on your face only six months later when you told me that you didn't love me anymore, twisted and sad and so exhausted. I could feel my heart breaking as you added "I'm not sure I ever really did" but all I could do was stare at the dark circles that created a crater under each of your soft blue eyes. I wanted to dive into them and hide in you.

You told me you couldn't breathe anymore, that it was hard enough to carry yourself, that you weren't strong enough to save me, too.

I suppose the only difference between loving someone and living for someone is just one letter.

I told you about all the times I moved growing up,
counted on fingers that held so many hands,
I danced around with the idea of moving into you,
building my walls around our hearts and putting a roof over our souls.
I guess it didn't matter to me that our foundation was a little wobbly or that I knew an eviction was coming,
I wanted to believe that we would build a house that would last.
but you were a trap not a home,
and I was packing my bags but I couldn't get out in time
so I watched as the walls I built around you and I came crashing down on me.