I don’t know whether at once
She was happy or infuriated
When I saw her, as I’ve seen her cry before
But in joyous confusion I consoled her
Caressing her fear and loneliness aside
Along with the hate raging inside her tears

Talks for hours consumed us yet again
And sleep never followed long into the night
Replaced with eons of lost laughter and joyous memories
At least… that is what I’d wish for her.

I do admit that this is only just a dreamt folly
As she continues her days without thought
Of the mistaken one that longs yet for her
But unable to show outside of simple lines
Known, unknown, cared and uncared
These words reach out to grasp a wisp of sound

Tumbling longingly into the memories once had
Now without thought I myself write about her
In mistaken hopes of gaining that which should not be gained
To heal a decade of wounds that cannot be healed
And so I only write, neither with name nor truth but my own
and hope her life prosper without falling back into my arms

At least… that is what I wish for her.

© 2014

She was dressed like a sweet mint candy drop
And roaming through the aisles as if to shop
For a new adventure and a brand new taste

Caught up no less than a romance film’s drama
A little boy that was ‘fresh from his mama’
Out to explore the Candy Store one day

And the aisles slept like a movie reel running
Just to end when the suspense starts coming
A thread of taffy that could be called ‘love’

But who could surmise that the taste was such a dud
And that both candy hearts had trampled through the mud
Just like a thousand little wrappers on the ground

Felt it like it was just another yesterday
When his candy heart was on display
And he could see the joy twinkle in her eye

For the life of him, he could’ve seen it coming before
As it she let it slip and shatter on the floor
The moment she finally said “Goodbye.”

As I fail to subdue my demon
I separated the instruments I craved
I’ve dripped and spattered
I cringe and spasm
Another comes again and again

As I fail to repel my demon
I covered up their flaws
I’ve wrapped and bandaged
I hide and wonder
When the next will come again

As I failed to overpower my demon
I exposed my every wound
I’m tattered and torn
I revel and dance
As it emerges through me again

As I have become my demon
I’ve nothing left to hold back on
I regret and revile
I judge and remorse
And wait to become a demon to my own again

© 2014

I'm ashamed to believe
I thought you had answers to questions I had to ask
But learning of you, I've questioned you more
And now I’m wondering why
What do I do?
Can I pay the price when you say it’s due?
The tricks of the trade that I thought I knew
You've seen them all because they were no use
But despite all the conclusions that I've come up to
You've defied every one and there's only one left
That I can accept

I’m ashamed
This firm assumption I can always defend
Till the end
I'm ashamed
For what I've taken from you to use
Because I’d take again and again

I'm afraid to see you now
Avoiding every glance to make it safe somehow
Detoured and yet again, I’m cornered
Because you're at my every turn
And I’m wondering how
How did you come true?
For what have you've gotten this close to me to do?
And have you gotten what you needed to?
Now this push's come to shove, still I lean on you
There's nothing else that I've come to trust
But you've never lie to me, yet I knew
That you’ll betray my instincts again

I'm afraid
This constant fear that I've gained from you
You're gone, but even then
I’m afraid
You'll come to collect when my price is due
And I'm running again and again

I know there’s no use; I would have never won
You’re far too kind to chase me every time I run
The days never end
But now I’m giving myself back to you
To end this eternity
Despite all you could've done to collect me

I'm ashamed I'm afraid
I'm afraid I'm ashamed

The mongrels had come to pick me apart
But then I had learned of the darkness at heart
I'm ashamed

The snow of that day where you've carried my will
The dead are still scattered and the earth barren still
I'm afraid

You've come to collect, yet I still run away
I thought I could live out the last of my days
I'm ashamed

Here I surrender and my heart is my key
My life's torn asunder, in hell we will meet
I’m afraid

© 2014

It was barely just a thought
But it circled like a vulture
I never meant to give it more
Than a scrap of a voice

It was barely just a word
But it dragged you down
Weighing like a feathered stone
At the lobes of your ears

It was barely just an inch
I saw you move just as quick
I scarcely breathed the moment
And saw you disappear

And it was barely just a year
Until I heard you return
And the vultures are waiting
For barely just a thought again.

© 2014

Atoms circulate between the nuclei of touch
Schrodinger’s laws exposing deceit and truth
Lamenting in the protons, electrons, and neutrons
Encircling the senses between the eyes and fingers

Particles flow between the elements of breathing
Of soul, of emotion, and memories worn thin
In terminal velocities of thought and contemplation
Barriers of consciousness and reality

Molecules of intentions, intricate and delicate
Bound together by ionic twists of fate
And strained into bent bonds of insecurity
Providing violent reactions of regrets

Ions, formed in this union, complicate the formula
Indifferent to the imbalance between the sighs
Requiring the impact, to leave a free electron of motive
Resulting in a positive change of heart and mind

© 2014

And in the shallows of time she laid
Fated on the unclear ripples of uncertainty
Yet seeing through the mists and murky depths
Made claim her life is finite and impact undefined
She floated amongst dreams without fear and obstacles
And loved all with strong words aside from her own
As fate would recall her, she was naught an angel
But shone brilliance onto the water’s surface
Was naught a demon bearing ill nature
But tempted good fate with every word
Her life, lived; her bounds, boundless
And every moment in stride without fear

For her memory, I honor her my words in heart
And live to breathe another day amongst the scattered leaves
Only admiring her fiery strength and determination abound
I could only wish her a final farewell, delayed, but earnest
To see her off to the rivers and seas beyond her shallows

In loving memory Ina, always.

© 2014

Immorally, my lustful gaze eyes in a false bid to need you
Unappeased from the respites of my attempts to dream you
And in my efforts, I’ve still yet to ascertain my conviction to find you
But until then, an entire sense devoted to imagination to taste you
However, taste is a mean fraction of my malicious, intent to use you
And in a blinded craving, good intentions eluded, will involuntarily scar you
In a perverted aim to behold and savor you, to protect, enjoy and *******
Is the beginning of my undoing, as I callously sin again and again, and break you

And then with no further defense but to erase you,
and politely in my heart, I move bitterly to bury you,
I return fruitlessly to the beginning again, to need you.

© 2014

Consciously unavoidable and these thoughts do persist
Because in time all will cease to exist in this state of mind
Occupied and reoccupied with tangible artifacts of a memory
In this present day of the long past in the short future’s ascension

May it shatter lungs in its recourse or asphyxiate the will
Seizing all oxygen of thought and a last spark of regret
May well rally life in mourning of the clock’s tick last
But with the last tock’s tick, the final second passes numbingly slowly

The bitter reality never knows how it comes about
And the bitter truth is its best never to know
As it comes often silently, sometimes loudly in its realization
It’s the sunset of all memory and life one holds
Known best by the bitter name
Death.

© 2014

And I’ve erred to try loving you
As I’ve dreamt of gazing upon your moons
For the smiles of your suns
Burn intensely through my intentions
Even in your shadows
Where my honesty becomes bitter
Within your cruel eyes
I’m blinded by a solemn light
Merely to follow afterimages, faint and frail
Leading to estranged pastures
Of masked sins basking in the meadows
Only a deceitful tranquility
As on these bladed dreams do I bleed in peace
Feeding my lustful hope
Of a fruitless love into the soil beneath me
Growing nothings short of
Forget-me-nots in a memory-less heart

© 2014