Searching for the name of this pain
Maybe find the knife that is jutting out of my chest
Because when no one is looking
I know that red lines will spread across my skin like red vines spread across the table
And while the lines are healing
The black hole is screaming inside
but its  constricting the lungs' oxygen supply
like the boa constrictor squeezing the life out of it's meal
The prey slowly losing the light in its eyes as it is consumed so quickly
The heaviness in my gut is sickening
As as I sit at the dinner table full of delicacies
I try to remember the joy they come with
The sweetness of this cherry pie
The savoriness of the poultry being passed around
Taking just enough not to be questioned
because if they felt how I felt inside
if they felt the knife in my chest when they hugged me
if they saw the light in my eyes dimming
if they felt the heaviness in my stomach
And when they ask me how I'm doing
I hope they don't notice my knees quaking and voice quavering
I hope they don't notice the fear that is sticking out of my pocket as I try to find answers

They look at my scars and ask me why
But unable to give them answers
I just let the tears flow
The begin to notice the cherry pie still on my plate
the lack of movement of my fork
I just shake my head
Because how are you supposed to explain the knife in your chest that doesn't have a name
How do you explain the red lines that spread across your skin
And the red vines that have become stale that are spread across your table
When you don't even have a name for the pain you feel inside
when you don't even know where the knife came from
When at the end of the day all you can see is these red lines and red vines
And all you feel is the pain inside