Recruitment is a difficult job
Surely, everyone knows that
It is like chasing a target of 350 in 50 overs
However, when you are hiring Investment Bankers
The target remains the same
But the pitch, which is a belter as of now
Suddenly acquires a greenish hue
And the ball starts swinging and seaming
One mistake, and you are back to the pavilion
Meanwhile, the asking rate keeps climbing
Thus, the pressure keeps building
Yes, that's how tricky Investment Bankers are
At least as far as India is concerned
However, European Investment Bankers are a different ballgame altogether
The target continues to be the same
As does the nature of the pitch
However, now you have to chase the target in 40 overs!!
Well, you decide to steel yourself
To bat out of your skins
And do manage to hit a few ***** out of the park
However, your joy is short-lived
As you go for one boundary too many
Only to get caught at deep square leg
More and more batsmen follow
And try their level best
To keep the required run rate under control
But the wickets keep tumbling
Meanwhile, your last hope, Hardik Pandya, arrives at the crease
And takes the game by the scruff of the neck
While at the other end, Virat Kohli stands strong
And the pair manage to build a partnership of 100
However, the European I-Bankers end up having the last laugh
As Virat gets run out
While going for a quick single
And Hardik goes for a maximum
Only to get caught
Just inside the boundary line
By now, you know, as do the European I-Bankers
That the game is well and truly up
Unless a miracle happens
Well, all you can say
Is "Better Luck next time"
Also, welcome to the world of hiring European Investment Bankers

In order to achieve results
You need to work hard
That should be easy enough to understand
The difficult part, though
Is how hard you need to work
Especially when it comes to Recruitment
You see, the nature of the profession is such
That you can't predict anything
Because everything depends on people
And every individual is different and unique
In his/her own and special way
Thus, luck is very crucial
When it comes to hiring people
There are times
When you work out of your skins
And still fail to achieve the desired results
Because luck is not on your side
There are also times
When you do the bare minimum of work that's required
And are able to achieve positive results
Because you are kissed by Lady Luck
On both cheeks
These contrasting scenarios are common
When it comes to hiring Investment Bankers
You spend the entire day calling people
But very few show interest
And apart from those who are not keen
There are quite a few
Who don't even bother to answer your calls
Or call you back
There are also some people
Who say "I will think about it and get back"
Either they get back with a negative response
Or they don't get back at all
That is to say, they just disappear!!
Thus, you have to start all over again
And since you also have tight deadlines
You are forced to work almost till midnight
And sacrifice a few hours of sleep as well
Since you have to go to office the very next day
And it does not end there
Your work forces you to stay at office till 7 PM
Almost an hour later than usual
And to add insult to injury
You get a mild reprimand
From the security staff
Of the business centre which houses your office
For not leaving on time
If you thought the worst was over
Then you were wrong
Because you are forced to work on Sunday as well
In order to ensure
That at least one resume is sent to the client
At the start of the week to follow
If only if you had some luck
That is to say
If even one of the candidates who had said "No"
Had said "Yes" instead
Then you'd have enjoyed a weekend free of work
And got some valuable rest in the process
For all your efforts of the previous week
Yes, in order to achieve results
You do need to work hard
But how hard you need to work
Is something that is almost impossible to answer
When it comes to Recruitment
Particularly when you are hiring Investment Bankers

Recruitment is an utterly thankless job
Especially if you are handling an Investment Banking role
That too when working in a startup
You spend hours and hours
Searching frantically for candidates
Who possess the requisite skills and experience
Followed by days and days
Speaking to a plethora of candidates
Facing rejection after rejection
Watching your own confidence nosedive
After almost every conversation
And then gritting your teeth and continuing to burn the midnight oil
After you finally manage to share a few relevant resumes
By the skin of your teeth
You breathe a sigh of relief
Knowing that your job is half done
Everything runs smoothly from thereon
Till the offer stage
When the candidate decides to back out
Having received a better offer elsewhere
And you are back to square one
However, you resume the search
With a renewed vigour
And put your heart and soul
Into finding a suitable replacement
Your efforts are duly rewarded
However, misfortune strikes again
The candidate develops cold feet
And gets retained by his present company
You have to go back to the drawing board, yet again
However, you refuse to give up
And work harder than ever
Determined to be third time lucky
Alas! Fate turns its back on you, yet again
The client proves to be a tad too miserly
Thus pushing your candidate away
However, you continue to resist bravely
Against all odds
Determined to prove a point
More to yourself, than anyone else
However, history repeats itself
For the fourth time in a row
And you are left bruised and battered
In the face of a year full of bad luck
Which has brought you a record seven backouts
And all you can do now
Is to pray, and keep praying
For 2022 to end as soon as possible
Recruitment, is indeed an utterly thankless job

After hours and hours
Days and days
Weeks and weeks
And months and months
Of sheer hard work
You would have hoped
To achieve at least one closure
In a year
That has been disappointing at best
And abysmal at worst
With backouts becoming as common
As India beating Pakistan in a Cricket World Cup
However, Lady Luck disappoints you
For the third time in a row
As the sheer miserliness of your client
Pushes your candidate away
And it is ultimately you
Who ends up being the loser
But that's not the worst part
The worst part is
Having to start all over again
With a rather limited pool of candidates
Still, it is not in your nature to give up
Especially after having come this far
So, you make a concerted effort
To find fresh candidates
And after a lot of searching
Followed by a lot of calling
You finally land a good candidate
But the client rejects him in a flash
Undeterred, you continue searching
However, the already limited pool of candidates
Starts shrinking rapidly
And just when you're about to lose hope
You manage to find a decent profile
However, the client rejects this as well
Quicker than the speed of light
And with every rejection
Your confidence dips
Slowly but surely
Until you can stand it no longer
And scream at the top of your voice
"Investment Banking Hiring Is Not For Me!"

You have no idea
Absolutely no idea
About the amount of work
That goes into closing a position
Especially if it is an Investment Banking role
Scouring portal after portal
In order to hunt down the right candidates
Making call after call
And subsequently facing rejection after rejection
However, as we all know
"There is always light at the end of the tunnel"
So, you somehow find a way
Yo snag some decent candidates
Who may not be "perfect"
But fit the role well, nevertheless
When the closure ultimately happens
You heave a huge sigh of relief
Knowing that your hard work has paid off
However, there is a twist in the tale
The candidate receives another offer
Which turns out to be more lucrative
Than the one provided by your client
And he gladly takes it
Therefore, you are back to square one
Of course, backouts are common nowadays
So, you work harder than ever
Determined to turn things around
And your efforts are duly rewarded
However, just when you are sure
That nothing can go wrong this time
The candidate develops cold feet
And chooses to stay in his present company instead
Boom! Just like that
Your hard work has gone down the drain, yet again
But you refuse to give up
Believing that it will turn out to be a case of "third time lucky"
However, as always, you are wrong
This time, the candidate is genuinely interested
But the client is too stingy
Thus pushing the candidate towards taking up a better offer
And you are left in the lurch, as ever
The only difference being
That this time, there will be no comeback

Hiring For Investment Banking roles
Is like wading through a swamp
At first, it may appear as easy
As winning the French Open is, for Rafael Nadal
Since there is a decent pool of candidates
Waiting to be tapped into
However, as the old cliche goes
Appearances are deceptive
There are numerous pits
In the form of various factors
That influence the interest levels
Of each and every candidate
Such as, the job location
The salary
The bonus payout
The appraisal cycle
The scope of the role
The reporting manager
The brand
And most importantly, the work culture
It requires a truckload of skills
As well as a fat lot of luck
To maneuver your way through the swamp
And successfully avoid these pits
Which lurk in the shadows
Waiting to catch you unawares
One slip-up, and you may lose a candidate
Every time that happens
You'll find yourself sinking into the mud
Slowly, but surely
The harder you try to escape
The deeper you end up sinking
By the time you find that "perfect candidate"
Your face is all that will remain above the surface
And the only thing that can save you
Is the client uttering the magic words
"This position is now on hold"

Two days of hard toil
Searching through portal after portal
Company after company
And speaking to candidate after candidate
And what I am left with
Is nothing
Absolutely nothing to show for my efforts
One candidate doesn't find the role exciting enough
Another candidate loses interest
After hearing the name of the client
The next one is not looking for a job in the first place
For the one that comes after
Relocation turns out to be a deal breaker
And the rest of them are simply too busy
Too busy to even pick up the **** phone
However, I decide to keep at it
Only for the rejections to continue
One guy eventually shows a bit of interest
But he has too many questions
Questions that neither I can answer
Nor can my boss!
Of course, Recruitment is never an easy job
Especially when you are working in a startup
But to succeed in Recruitment for Investment Banking roles
You really need to pull off a Harry Houdini!!

Dear Investment Banking
Why do you have to be so difficult?
I spend hours and hours
Days and days
And weeks and weeks
Searching every nook and corner
For some really good resumes
Which are as easy to find
As a drop of water
In the Thar desert
I speak to dozens and dozens of people
Some are not looking for jobs
Some politely decline
Upon hearing the name of the client
Some need time to think
And others don't even bother to respond
It's a cruel world indeed

Dear Investment Banking
Why do you have to be so difficult?
After a lot of frustration and heartburn
And helplessness and desperation in turn
I finally manage to find a good candidate
Who also happens to be interested
However, as expected, there is a catch
He hasn't updated his resume
And by the time he does it
We would have already lost the client
Thus, I have no choice
But to move on
And resume the search
Which is already looking tougher
Than clearing the IIT-JEE!
Dear Investment Banking
Why do you have to be so difficult?