When I reflect back on past times with you
I don't get choked up on hurt like I used to.
Rather, I smile similes of what joy might feel like
And turn laughter into metaphors, I don't really know what for, but I imagine that you are happy.
When I reflect back on past times with you
I try to remember what it meant to me,
The feeling of comfort in a crowded room where everyone is screaming at me,
I wonder how long I ignored them at the expense of selling my weaknesses for your soul that doesn't reflect anything back anymore.
I cannot recollect all the memories because I burnt most of them the same way you set our love on fire, see I squeezed myself onto the flame like gasoline in an open field, I used my bones as match sticks, and lit them all simultaneously, I turned myself to ash, a cremation of good will and broken girls who fell in love with broken guys, see I burned for all of us.
When I reflect back on past times with you,
The remains of my heart emulate something close to beating, close to life, but our past times were just moments that passed us by a little too soon, who was I to know that you had no intent of staying, I wouldn't have built this home, a little too big for only me to occupy.
When I reflect back on past times with you,
I find my self in a state of constant whiplash, I am jetlagged from the high you gave me, I am not me without you.
So when I reflect back on past times without you,
I try not to cry because most of my life I spent with you, opening up, in more ways than one but you treated me like a Jack in the box, I was a joke to you.
I try to remember what my name sounds like when it's not you calling it, it doesn't feel the same because you gave meaning to the language that only you and I spoke. Now I am deaf to anything that isn't you.
When I reflect back on past times without you,
You are still there. You always were, even before.
