you were a trivial person to be around but i enjoyed hearing your laughter and holding your hand
your hand
hands
holding your face in my two hands, wow i thought
what a pretty boy he must not have intentions set
your hands
they trailed up and down my thighs
im really uncomfortable, please stop
im too afraid to move your hand away
this is turning into something else
you ask if your uninvited hand is okay where it is and i don’t say no but i don’t say yes either so that’s some sort of sign
right?
i wish it was but your hands continues to circle my porcelain slit thighs
opened the other day because i was overcome with a wave of disgust
must i always show of my chest or thighs
it’s when you were most interested it felt
i hated doing this
im only sixteen
i felt disgusting i still do it hasn’t been too long since it happened
boys don’t like people like me just for me
it’s always something having to do with the rest of me that doesn’t think
oh god i cant stop feeling your hands on me i pretended it felt good but in reality i was to afraid
you know what happens when they say no
it hurts im hurt i love you i trusted you
on my couch on my bed in my own clothes you took advantage of me
i just wanted to feel the comfort of your fingertips against mine your head on my shoulder not your hand in between my thighs your thumb shoved down my throat and your lips on my neck and chest god
i wish i could forget
incoherent thoughts gone since the day it happened i’m not making any sense am i
was it a crime for wanting you to make me feel wanted for more than just my body?

There they are.
Of course they’re there, they’re always there.
But when do you take the time to notice them?
To look past the matter and see?
It’s not just static.
It’s not just an illusion.
They’re there, and there they are.
What are they?
They’re what’s seen when your eyes don’t do their job.
Yet you’re not truly out of focus.
You’re looking beyond.
Beyond what “matters” in the world.
And into one entirely different.
That’s where they are.
What do they mean to you?
Maybe they used to scare you.
You thought they were coming to hurt you.
But there they were.
What did they want?
Maybe you learned to care about them.
Maybe they became a source of comfort.
Something to focus on when it was all too much.
And there they were, even in the dark.
What would you do without them
Maybe they became charming.
They became your companions, in some strange way.
They were there for you, and there they were.
Where would they take you next?
Maybe you forgot to notice them.
And over the years, you began to ignore them.
You focused too close.
You didn’t look beyond.
You didn’t see.
But there they still were.
Why did you let yourself forget?
Then maybe something reminded you of them.
You brought their world back to you.
They’re something to get lost in.
To wonder about.
To smile about, when everything is too much.
When everything scares you, like they once did.
Maybe you have your companions back.
And now, there you are with them.
What took you so long?

So I came to your night with my sorrow
With the sound of a silk that touch the ground
I feel my vein run into you eyes
A bit of startle took a second of my thoughts
The joy doesn't come at all, the joy i was looking for
I am away, I am far away for your white pond
There's a smell that lingers upon my nose
The musk is finally wandering around
and the breath seems more far away