the day i saw my mother's soul
she was tied to her hospital gurney -
her mouth cracked open and dry,
lips and teeth bloodied rusty brown.

i called her name, and for god only knows
what reason, she turned her head toward me.
nightmarish.  eyes deadened.  glassy.
blue irises.  yellowed whites.  dull.  lifeless.

she weeps.  moaning and tossing in her bed.
she can't speak but her eyes beg 'save me, i'm hurting,
i'm dying,' as she looks-but-doesn't-see me.
i don't know that i can save her

and to be honest: part of me is trying.
but another part has learned how to live
without her.  just to be safe (after all - do you know
how sad it is to grieve the loss of the living?).

i know i've hurt her.
maybe more than she's hurt me.
and i'm ******* ****** at the cosmic way this
is playing out.  no one wins.  what a *******.

the day i saw my mother's soul
i sat in my car and cried all the way home.
"the light that you could never see;
it burns inside you can't take that from me."

if she only lives to tell.

Chaotic, I may seem; but you've witnessed all my game.
Yet, for all of my monotony, I never seem the same.
I shift within a void that slips between your thoughts,
Shifting voidless, namelessness; what you've tried to hide, I've sought.

I interrogate electrons skipping neuronic paths:
Unhinged and broken walls and doors that kept livid fear at bay.
Dripping Holy Water on evil dreams, giving steel acid baths,
Tinker, toy, explore, destroy; I'll find your "hidden away."

Disguised and masked, though they may be, the habits always show.
Through twist and turn your shadows burn, recoiling from the glow
Of a searching heart and reckless eye and selflessness below.
I've found you once, I swear to you; I'll hind again, I know.

Despise me all you want, retreat from ling'ring words,
In this knowing - of my doing - I've seen the truth behind the lies.
Flit about as you may, controlling thought like wild birds,
Someone taught a treacherous thing; and I'll break those ephemeral ties.