------

The peace finally settles begrudgingly,
Wrestled down by logic
a restless defiant twitch still huffing under its breath lingers
I force my self to bestow the usual cruelty,
Indifference.

-------

My mind is now my own.
Dissertations written at lighting speed across my mind scape
Once flashing dire warnings, fade.

------

I breathe deeply...
It's time for me to unfurl,  lay myself out like a star
And soak in the glorious day
Melt away the furrows and deep valleys of concern
And focus on a bright future of freedom and whimsy romance

-------

Who the **** am I kidding?
----

She came to me in the eyes of a child
Blazing a warning!
shelling out new hopes as if they were endless
She flood my veins with a burning sense of invincibility
Clarity stricken,
the glug of decomposing viscous opaqueness
Melts into warm throbs  
flushed with the fluidity of vinegar in saline truths
Death is a fools comfort,
A nothingness in mind, body and soul.
I caught a light
Seered into renewal
Though the birth of a new day
With new hopes
A new vision
A future so bright
burning with beauty
She has once again baptised my eyes
With a new fight
Written in all the colours of light.

Numb. Lost. Depleted.
Hollow victories pile themselves around me
The casualties strewn across my hopes
I am one of them
Dead eyes watch eager crows picking
I can't see anything but the end.
There's no struggle left in these veins
I wonder of the phoenix
So often pulling my soul back from the ether
No where...
Still I watch from the corners of my eyes
For her blazing beauty
Even knowing my unworthiness
I catch a beat of hope
Only to watch it fade
through milky coalgulations
The Stiffening crawls
I wait,
Steeling myself for the impending darkness

Desolate days and endless nights pass  extraneously slow
Broken by intermittent episodes of almost breaking through
to Suddenly plummeting into the abyss of darkness
plucked up and tossed about by hell beasts
Dropped and swooped upon
in a sickening game of amusement
leaving suddenly, only to return
before the heartbeats settle
Living on the edge of destruction
Closed in
paranoid delusions make themselves at home
Like fleshy entities adding credibility to my vile suspicions
I trust them,
more than I trust myself.
I'm still here though in some reasonable fashion
Watching the carnage fall
I know it's not real, but the cards are falling
I see the flashes of what could be
As they turn over and over never seeming to land
This is the unknown.
The fear of losing control
Funny thing fear,
What it has the power to do
Even funnier is,
I know all this
And still I feel
there's nothing I can do.

As the stresses of the day wear on,
My furrowed brow tucked firmly in pensive thought,
My back torn open from the malicious whips of jealous competition
Lips pursed tight,
chest groaning with slivers of painful angst
Mind racing foul
I carry my heavy load yoked firmly home
I walk through that familiar door
bright eyes burning with warm welcome seer through me
my furrows are swept away
tension easing,
I unfurl as you  rise to greet me,
Warm smiles contagiously leap on to my gaunt expression
tender lips move so gently over my  mine
softening every hash word passed through them,
My chest unclenches releasing butterflies from thier  paranoid chains
Warm arms brush away the stings of the days warfare
Relief washes through me
My armour falls away
As my soul tucks tightly into you
A whisper from my heart releases
'I'm home'.

(Scribblenaughts and swoon theories) (c)

The stars part
The comets hail our victory over the death of love
Galaxies cartwheel
The fanfares of supernovas herald our impending union
Finally after tracing each trail of ether humming your frequency,
Looking under and over every last hope
Twisting into one dimension after the next
To feel this indefinable moment of chasing so close now,
Through everlasting travels to find eacother over uncountable millenia,  
Infinite universes with nothing but a burning desire to find you
Tracing the whispers left as webs  crossing the universe
Drawing the constellations marking our tribulations,
And declarations of love with glittered lines
As signs to bring you closer,
As answers to your own markings
To show you where I've been,
Where i'm going,
Like notes in the sand.
Only the lines got crossed and the countless glyphs so many
In desperation became scribblenaughts
And my desperate hope to find you an endless exercise in swoon theories;
All leading to this one true moment when I hold you in my gaze
Will you remember me for what the whole universe is now
Ablaze?

I'm here,
I'm on your frequency,
In your atmosphere
Love,
Please say you remember me?

Dear Universe,

Bless the poet's and their pearls of pain,
Steel them, so they may return to write again.
Bless thier jewel encrusted crowns of thought.
that every delicate word of verse is caught.
Let them pour out their soulful words
to transfuse our bleeding hearts.
Scrolling pages to guide us
through our darkest dark.
Lighting our highest joys
and deepest passions,
May we always preserve
these sacred bastions
May the poets never truly heal or break,
nor stop thier cries;
lest their flowing rivers of verse run dry.
That we may ever bathe ourselves
in rivers of consolation and joy
sending empathy through thoughts
of comfort and care,
to knit us closer in understanding
through words
in universal prayer.

What use is love if it can't find its constant
I'm tired of falling from the cliffs I climb
My identity eludes me trying on all the sizes to see where I fit
Can't go by feel, can't trust it
Can't go by logic it doesn't apply
Can't go by intuition
It just keeps leading me to you
And the space between us
cluttered by every Immovable barrier thought of to destroy love
no leap of faith could ever hope to overcome.
But love hasn't died yet
And I keep taking the fall.

You do not see peace love,
only war.
Your blood is boiled
the heat escapes you
catching fire.
There are no words to cool your ferver.
Lost into the abyss of misdirection.
Pull as much as i can theres not enough rope.
enjoy the sweet addiction of unrest.
Swallow your bitter pills
I, am of nothing
but cool disinterest.

I'm here,
I'm on your frequency,
In your atmosphere
Love,
Please say you remember me?

It was  a fraction of a flicker,
Though  it seemed so drawn out
passing through each other's spiritual planes
It all rushed through me,
An instant in forever
like time didn't mean a ****
And none of the writhing pain remembered,
until well and truly sobered,
And not in any depth,
even now in this forced reflection
Writing this useless scrawl
seeking a justification
for our concrete separation.

No luck.

The universe won't answer

The Sands of Time
keep slipping through
the glass walls that dive us.

Only the deepest sleep
brings the opportunity
To skip amongst the stars
cast away the game of hide and seek,
To play joyfully our celestial kiss chasey,
To catch each other in our arms,
Where the empty spaces of youare filled
And meld into a complete
Alchemic etherial union.


But like sleep,
astral dreams must end.
The light of reality
breaks through the window,
And I know every degree of separation
Our crueltly is the highest true sacrifice of our kind
The highest love requires the highest trust
And belief that nothing else matters
But the ethereal elevation
of every version of existence,

The karmic heart lessons must be learned
The test must be endured

I've drawn out every awakening
I've walked around in circles waiting for you
Every chance I slip,
Every time I see you again
With these earthly eyes
Feel your presence with this grounded soul,
I don't want to come home
But it's all in vain
I'm ready to leave this test,
I have to go;
The stars are calling,
hurry dearest  love,
I dont want to go
Please,
don't make me goto another plane
without you.

I'm flicked over,
Stressed and confused
I've thrown it up to the Lord
But I have yet to hear news
Painful chest clenching heart wrenching wait
Will they show the value of faith?
Did I believe in the wrong people?
How dire the results if it's true
That all that love and patience
Was wasted on every one of you.


------------------


If you're looking for me
I'll just be here huddled in the corner,
fighting with whatever I can
Waiting for God.

Alas,
once again,
like the emotionally insane refugee
who cannot find comfort in assylum,
there is no communion.

I come to find her gone,
And the vacuous space she left behind
Immeasurable.

Cool morning blues
break warmer
as the sun floats gently
over the horizon.

Eyes flutter open,
the creases and cricks are
pushed out into a polite yawn...

A new day dawned,
lost hopes replaced with a new desire,
freedom whispers you can do it!

And I for once,
believe I can!

Soft floating embers rise
from the fires of long remembered desires
Slowly twisting and twirling  like a sensual  dance
My thoughts reach out to capture the moments
before the cradled embers die
and fade one last time.

♡
Beaten
breathless
bruised
broken
torn
tattered
stiched up
resuscitated
and
resuscitated again.

that was the function of her heart

- to be pulled to pieces
Or pushed back in together again

and still
she managed
the miracle
of love.

...

her love was
unconditionally blind
but the strong quiet
beautiful kind
that no one thought
beautiful at all.

...

A perfectly perfunctory love.

♡

...

Life,
is gouging out holes in me
I dont know how to fill

...

Cavenous expanses,
where life force used to rage

...

each piece of me carved away
by the hands of time
at the whim of fate.

...

I claw on
more determined
to live the life I want
with the things I no longer need
tied behind me
where sentiment flails

...

weighted down
by a useless comfort
steming from a need
in some obscure part of me
I hardly recognise

...

while still,
daring to dream
the possibility
of discovering
the meaning
of my existence
or life,
or even.
the enigma of love
in the conumdrum living
Or perhaps,
so desperately
the unsolvable longing
in my soul.

...

Something

...

And Still.

no closer,

I discover;

more

holes

...

...

Sweet verses
pour from my lucious mouth
plumped with the warmth
of sensuous  kisses

...

Soothed
by careful hands
crushed gently
into the breast of hope

...

surrounded
by the whisper of a beat
played by the arms of fate
invited by
a careless heart

...

I know pain is coming

...

I shut my eyes

tight.

For some small trace of your presence,
In heart or thought.
I ponder the length and breath of the universe
And how someone so closely knitted into me
can still be so far away.
One galaxy,
one star,
One sky,
one city.
in the ether of none of these things,
I find you.
I feel your longing,
your courage,
to keep me close to your soul,
Only far from your heart
That fraction of distance is enough.

Impossible chasm.

So deep and so far
the only way over it
is on the wings of hope
Mine are grounded.
An ancient injury,
further hindered by new wounds.
No matter how time flows,
how life unfolds,
you're still there
above me
hovering over my soul.

I look up to find heaven,

Just out of reach...

Another heartbreak,
another mess
...
emotions lost in translation
I can't hear you
or is it you can't hear me
behind that glass wall
...
You think youre so untouchable
....
Drowning out my pain
as if it wasnt your fault
and the blame is all mine too.
...
I guess theres no reaching you
you lip-read terrible.
...
the perfect piece off the wrong puzzle.
...
Or is that me?
...
I guess youre claiming
the rest too.
...
As if i'd be nothing
with out you
...
the tide has rolled in and out
turns out
im nothing
but ****** up with you.
...
Is it lonely there?
in your self-serving glass house?
...
where my rent is a costly amount
of dignity and sanity.
...
the future i had in my grasp,
i gave up so willingly
on a rescue
has me
playing the victim,
a role
i never cherrished or intended.
...
The script
has been written
The dire twist
is about to befall
Hovering over our heads like
an executioner's sword
...
- but
just like that,
that look,
that sincerity
makes it all ok.
...
I am ready to ***** over again
...


Well played...

Time rules this body and mind
But not this soul.
Searching the endless stars for my dark,
a chance to shine.
Quazars and lightshows glitter so bright,
Evious creations marvels of lightover pure darkness
thier beauty unpolluted by crossed over light.
how i long for you to wrap me up in your darkness,
how wonderfully bright my colours would shine for us, only knowing that your sacrifce, is mine
that each glorous showering lightscape,
pushes you deeper into a darker space
we can never let our true cores touch
or i shall be less me and you less you.
Our tipchasy never at an end
but always our favourite game,
the enless anticipation
of our truest selves on show
to see our colours of love again!
Till then soul love,
find dark and i will find you again.

I have nothing to say
But more than enough
running through my mind.
Vileness and coldness
take over the spaces of warmth
once occupied by love.

Pain left the scar
Love left the pain
You left the love.

Even if it was for only a moment
Too late.

The mark is forever.

And like the scar
our skins won't knit back together
the same again

The frequencies play white noise in my head.
cant seem to catch your tune.
The notes dont make sense the way we used to.
So I write echos caught in the caves of despair
Capturing faded signals from the cracks of light stinging my soul
And the endless night sky.
A meagre emotional existence
clinging to webs of hope
traced from star to star, galaxy to galaxy.
infinite strands;
none seems tethered to you.
Time is endless,
and the missing immortal.

-------------v--------------

unfolded in halves and halves again
heart scrawls written in passionate days
all those years ago, and still...

----------------------

short nothings that meant everything
each letter stroke a symbol of passion
layered with unsaid emotions
each note a plane of love defying existence
and yet here they are.

-----------------------

folded in halves and halves again

-----------------------

I put them back under the draw
I didn't have the heart to burn them
like I promised.
sorry x

------------------------