my one wish is
to find someone
who sees the world
as beautiful as i do
with their mouth
preaching poetic beauty
as i have once done
to all the boys
i have loved

beauty upon a delicate creature
innocent young brown eyed girl
perfection bestowed in every feature
every fishers’ catch, shining pearl

perfect from day one
yet she couldn’t see
skinny must be done
perfect then she’ll be

the world was her oyster
everything granted within smile

yet beauty was a destroyer
sudden death of a child

sold the devil her soul
fantasy turned to reality
one’s life desirable goal
perfect she’ll finally be

deceived by image in mirror
years of starvation to the bones
glass of ugliness suddenly clearer
lost completely from her homes

harmful inability to love
all of the world but herself

time revealed a life
truly better than this

repetitive periods of recovery
one’s wish irreversible
beauty uplifted the misery
weight eventually stable

one thousand four hundred sixty days
hidden silent all these years
one thousand four hundred sixty ways
held back brown eyed tears

her name was sydney rose
the girl who suffers with anorexia

i am trying hard to find you
swimming in the middle of the ocean
as currents push against me
it is not easy to swim
when i am given options
to simply drown

my body is the purest element
that i can protect greatly

dressed in shining armor
i only let the right ones in

because my youth
is the most vulnerable gift
that i can easily destroy
through the devil's temptation

poetry is the worst addiction
after a while you notice
you are immune to it
& your writings
portray no emotions to yourself
but the world is still moved

i am exhausted of my continuation  
to start over with a new person
only to introduce myself
later in the path of the two of us
to the problems i never got to solve
in my previous relations

and one day
this person
will enter
the life
existing
and think
of this soul
captivating
an incomprehensible
form of being
and think of it
not once
not twice
but all the time
and this
will be
an everlasting
love

you are waiting for love
from someone
who has never noticed
your worth
from the beginning

woken haste-fully six fifty three
daily serene mid-evening nap
desperate for his loyal presence
yearning to make amends with past

i can feel his company close
desert burning temperature
his hands all over my body
lost innocent catholic girl image

his beautiful name is strictly scripted
only language i have learned to speak
rolling seductively off my tongue
pure temptation to announce hell

room easing with darkness
calming shadows keep me safe
his apparition always present
yet it was only just a dream

his name is on my mind
hauntingly beautiful
i think about him everywhere
turn my dreams to nightmares

was your heart not devoted to mine
when my melodies sung for yours
as the sun rose on my side to wake
the soul of yours you have left behind
in the life you continue to forget
that we have created together
as the sunsets on your end to her

i always disliked
how you knew when to come back around
when my life was finally back in place
after each time you broke my heart

promises mean nothing
when the person you love
breaks them so easily

d is for do not
contact me ever again 
wishing to seek freedom 
no consideration of amends

d is for die
never come back to me
travel across the country
left me painfully hopeless 
strong beliefs of your return

d is for dumb
how you treated me
wrong and disrespectful
crying long and endlessly 

d is for dangerous
deadly love between two
rebellious teenage emotions
modern day romeo and juliet
stabbed my heart touchless

d is for do-over
a new life for myself 
self-love and progression 
no more second chances

and as i lay myself to sleep
my dreams remind me
you are only here
to hurt me

i realized that
i am not in love with you

i am in love
with the person
you promised to be
in my very own life

you cannot regret making a choice
that brings a safety to your heart
when you have been immune to life
with vulnerability to heartbreak

there was so much i wanted to say
but
he was not the one
i wanted to tell it all to

you are the person

i still search for
endlessly striving
to find your existence
in every form of life

yet i cannot succeed
to exhibit the captivation  
of such a loving soul
twice in my lifetime

you are my person

i can make myself feel prettier
than the way you did for me

i am counting stars in someone else’s sky
when theirs do not glow as bright as mine
for i wish for a life different from now
where i am too blind to notice
all of my blessings that have not been counted

i am starting to realize

you cannot give emotions to a reaction
when thee gave birth the action

i learned to save the hard way
by not wasting millions on those
who would not spare a penny for me

i am waiting for someone
who has already boarded
& left me for one of better
but i still wait in the dark
because i am a young fool

and after five tragic years
our sweet, broken souls met.
and looking straight into you,
into your deceiving brown eyes,
finally proved to me
that now you're just somebody
that i used to know.

the sore pain my heart is suffering from
will never heal
as you broke a piece of mine
to bandage yours
to be a better you for your return to her

you are waiting for the right time
instead of creating it on your own

my phone rests quietly
by my side as i wait
checking for a notification
that i have missed a call
or am receiving a loud ring
from the boy that is on my mind
man i cannot forget your face

i wait each day & night
it has been quite a while
since you have called my name

i wonder if you have forgotten
or misplaced my information
because to this day i am still
waiting for just one ring

i cry.
i weep.
i shed tears.
endless flows of water that produce my heartbroken reflection.

i exist.
not live.
i belong to this world full of sweet melancholy opportunities.

i hurt.
i ache.
i struggle.
i bleed saltless tears in hopes i will save myself one day.

i want to fall in love with myself
but i always seem to come acrosss
a simple flaw among my living
that makes me dislike me even more
perhaps
i should not let the flaws define me
yet instead allow them to inspire me

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you are showing me
every possible reason
not to love you
yet i still ignore the warning signs

i can kiss the skies above
see the enchanting galaxies
hear the harmonious angels
embrace the smells of love

but i cannot feel the love of him
if i have yet to discover a love
with the soul that takes my body
for i must fall deeply with myself

caught in the middle of deciding

to wait for you
or
to wait for me

the old me before you

what disappoints me the most

is that i was really wishing

you were rooting for me

in the end of all of this

i only wanted you obsessed with me

to mend the pain
of the absence

of me never loving myself enough

stop tending for dead flowers
they no only can thrive off
the healthy water of yours
your use is better off elsewhere

the sky was this
the ocean was that
my shot was miss
another’s turn to bat

i flew in clouds
i swam in lakes
my heart once proud
now only breaks

you made my life yellow
you have karma now due
you make me mellow
you turnt me blue

i tried texting her,
but my messages didn’t deliver.

i waited a few days,
but she never came around.

i tried making eye contact,
but all i saw was her hair.

i tried talking to her in class,
but she frowned upon my face.

i tried holding the door,
but she opened the one next to it.

i tried talking to her friends,
but they all shook their heads.

i tried going to sleep without her,
but the bed was too lifeless.

i tried not thinking about her,
but her voice was in my mind.

i tried not talking about her,
but her name was on my lips.
pure honey dripped. temptation.

i tried moving on,
but she’s irreplaceable.

i asked my mom,
“why did she leave all of a sudden?”

she replied sadly,
“but did you ever call her back?”

that night.
she cried.
to you.
for hours.
on the phone.
did you ever
call her back?

they shall have no confidence
to sing lips on stage to a crowd
of single furious eyes of rage
as they once did backstage
rehearsing successfully to thee

you were the perfect being
created for my special kind
i am convinced we are meant
but there is only one thing
stopping us from being together
which is sadly time

for i will see you again in life
after i have grown from my youth
to greet you with a loving smile
as i stand next to my husband
watching you two shake hands
with your wife on the side observing
as she rests her hand on her stomach

& that is when we look at each other
& accept that we were both
the ones that got away
because we were only teenagers

i feel as if i can never win
even if i am in first place

i loved you like rainbows
i tasted you like honeydew
little could you tell
i loved you more than she do

our skies were cloudy
my days became sadly
you walked a different path
knew the aftermath

honeydew became sour
not sweet like flowers
my heart was broken
words left unspoken

my innocent brown eyes
with curled lashing winks
will be manipulative to they
who i have no pure intentions for

i realized that everything
i always wanted

can be granted
in the clumsy hands of mine

when i finally release everything
i was never meant to be granted

they come around
always they come back
yet not
at my right time
gosh i hate timing

it’s not a *******. & her. & her. & all the other girls you decided to spend the night with instead of a sober one with me. it’s just simply a *******. because when i was the one to hold it down for you it couldn’t be reciprocated with your nonreligious morals that call you to be an average teenage boy portrayed in society.

you will never see the worth of a female. until one treats you the same way you did to me.

the lust inside of your body rages of addiction. forcing the potential love your mother raised you to show to the world to be rotten deep inside of your wasted body.

so this is my finger & i point it out to you.

the thought of a past without you, makes me wonder how long i’ve been dead

your ears were shut
when i sung to the world
poetic words that made
everyone fall in love

if there is more to this life
without you in it

i wish to go blind
because i rather wait
for another lifetime

to see the world
with you by my side

was your pinky not tightly holding mine
when you promised to have devotion
to only me
as your lips preached the words
of forgotten love
on your strawberry stained lips