my one wish is
to find someone
who sees the world
as beautiful as i do
with their mouth
preaching poetic beauty
as i have once done
to all the boys
i have loved

tell me how is it easy
for you put yourself to rest
each & every cold night
knowing that i am home
crying tears of you in the dark
cradling myself as a baby
in my bed of depressed moisture
as you once did comfortingly
when you were committedly mine

if you loved me

then

why was there a her?

but if i don't love you
then who will?

it is hard to stay devoted to one
when the devil grants me many
of temptations that look like him
but
you will always be in my heart
the only boy that i have wanted
despite those of many portraying
elements that exemplify you

i cannot keep bargaining with time
if it was meant to be
it would have been

poetry is the worst addiction
after a while you notice
you are immune to it
& your writings
portray no emotions to yourself
but the world is still moved

you talk so proudly about her
i wonder what makes her not me
tell me everything you love
so i imitate her every aspect

dear r,

as i walked into the room, glistening with shimmering bodies that enhanced my life with smells of sweet perfume and views of perfectly structured bodies, i realized that every other girl was just trying to be you. the presence of you wasn't physical, yet mentally you were all around me in the rhythm of the tunes and the flips of the glorious shiny hair. the silence between us creates a realizing because you are all i ever wanted.
  
                                                          - the guy who you have never met

hello

i hope all is well. did not mean to bother. you just happened to appear on my mind during the late hours. i wonder if you remember me. the smell of roses on my chest. the way i did my hair up real nice. & the cold touch of my fingers gliding down your back. i moved out west. i had to escape the haunting memories of you. you were my best mistake. & i still refuse to admit our love was not real.

i hope you found the girl. the one who treats you like a garden. full of all my roses. i know it is not easy to forget. you may love her more than me. of course you do. because your mind tells you to. but if that was not the case then tell me why are you still reading my letter. falling deeper in love with me as i continue. perhaps you should dial my number. there is just a chance i may answer. but with the world we live in second chances are the last of our matters.

i wish you a life of love. heartbreak. & endless thoughts of what if. for i am with the wind. breezing like the yellow petals on my jetting stem of thorns. do not be alarmed by this writing. you will not be able to see me again. we were not paired for eternity in our lifetime. for i am only a young girl. not yet discovered as a woman.

as i place this letter in the ivory envelope & seal it with a kiss. i will not think of your sweet honey dripping lips upon mine but the bitter taste of the way you kissed me goodbye.

my hair blows in the wind as i send this letter off. gray clouds slowly welcome me to the next. a quiet thunderstorm is coming to end me. only to revive me to a new beginning.


- farewell almost lover

was you. all of you.

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i am starting to realize

you cannot give emotions to a reaction
when thee gave birth the action

i sat down in the tub
with the shower head
crying all over my body
reminding me
that i was not over you
i allowed hot steam
to wake my skin
only to realize
i must live another day
without you
in love with me

take precious time
to love everything
not once but twice
because sadly
loving it just once
may only be the offer
given to you in life

your warm soft hands on my body
soothing my temperature of hotness
on the fresh spring afternoon showed
you were only in love with my body
rather than my heart i have gifted you

i am trying to find
the advantage
in the disadvantage

i am stronger than the person
who has stabbed me
but weaker than the lover
who has broken me
because love is the deadliest weapon

your lips made love to mine
every dawn and eve with passion
as your hands and eyes secured my body
to make sure i knew where home was

whatever you want that person to be
that is not currently the way they are
in the life of yours
will never be the way you want them
unless you be the way you want to be
make yourself the ideal way you want
then everything else will fall in place

why do i always allow myself
to experience heartbreak
knowing that i enter the same situations
that will give me the exact outcomes
i have encountered many times in the past
for i keep disrespecting myself
in hopes that people who have never cared
will one day care for a girl like me

it cannot be the color yellow
if shades of dark fade faintly
in the background of falsehood

he shall return to your sweet soul
after every existence has denied
the love he has been searching for
exactly as the one you gave to him
since the day he has left your life

the sky was this
the ocean was that
my shot was miss
another’s turn to bat

i flew in clouds
i swam in lakes
my heart once proud
now only breaks

you made my life yellow
you have karma now due
you make me mellow
you turnt me blue

i look at you & all my heart does is stop
for a second that feels like an eternity
my body cannot support me with air
because of your presence among me
i am silently gasping for a breath

one day i will get
that call from you
& i will not answer
not because
i did not want to
but because
i was too busy
to notice you called

& that is when you
will realize
it has been too late

my phone rests quietly
by my side as i wait
checking for a notification
that i have missed a call
or am receiving a loud ring
from the boy that is on my mind
man i cannot forget your face

i wait each day & night
it has been quite a while
since you have called my name

i wonder if you have forgotten
or misplaced my information
because to this day i am still
waiting for just one ring

you birth love
in places
love has
never existed

for you know
i am not meant to
stay in one place

because rose petals
are meant to blow away

you always leave
without me telling you to go

you never are here
when i beg

but you return
when i do not ask

why are you like this to me

for the longest time i was comparing myself
to anything imaginable in life
i was convinced that everything in this world
was better than me

i would chase shadows down the grocery aisles
thinking that you would be in the floral section
picking out the bouquet you promised to deliver
to my house's porch steps in the pouring rain

i was convinced that if i was a perfect ten
we would be a match made in heaven
and no one else would be worthy of your love

then it took time to realize
that mindset would get me nowhere

i was so terrified of losing you for the longest time
that i became angry with myself
for not finding the perfect solution
to reinvent myself
to make you stay in my garden

i wondered what i could do to make things better
for you to only praise the ground i walked on

day and night i fought battles alone
to become your dream

but then i realized you were sleeping
and never wished to wander
among the roses in my garden

and that made me realize
that you were never the gardener
that i deserved nor should have ever wished to have

for i am the owner of my garden
and i have the power to decide
who should smell the petals on my roses

i fell in love with the soul of your’s
because
you gave me every reason to do so

it’s not a *******. & her. & her. & all the other girls you decided to spend the night with instead of a sober one with me. it’s just simply a *******. because when i was the one to hold it down for you it couldn’t be reciprocated with your nonreligious morals that call you to be an average teenage boy portrayed in society.

you will never see the worth of a female. until one treats you the same way you did to me.

the lust inside of your body rages of addiction. forcing the potential love your mother raised you to show to the world to be rotten deep inside of your wasted body.

so this is my finger & i point it out to you.

i want to dance until my feet are worn
my body dragging me to my destination

i want to step one by one with you
holding me in your arms in the moonlight

i want our routine to create thunder
with each turn & leap we strut dramatically

i wish to reunite & perform once again together
my solo lacks passion without your presence

take my hand & guide me gently
with the rhythm of the melodies

the flowers that grow in the dark
standing shyly alone
are the beautiful ones
that will blossom unexpectedly

d is for do not
contact me ever again 
wishing to seek freedom 
no consideration of amends

d is for die
never come back to me
travel across the country
left me painfully hopeless 
strong beliefs of your return

d is for dumb
how you treated me
wrong and disrespectful
crying long and endlessly 

d is for dangerous
deadly love between two
rebellious teenage emotions
modern day romeo and juliet
stabbed my heart touchless

d is for do-over
a new life for myself 
self-love and progression 
no more second chances

beauty upon a delicate creature
innocent young brown eyed girl
perfection bestowed in every feature
every fishers’ catch, shining pearl

perfect from day one
yet she couldn’t see
skinny must be done
perfect then she’ll be

the world was her oyster
everything granted within smile

yet beauty was a destroyer
sudden death of a child

sold the devil her soul
fantasy turned to reality
one’s life desirable goal
perfect she’ll finally be

deceived by image in mirror
years of starvation to the bones
glass of ugliness suddenly clearer
lost completely from her homes

harmful inability to love
all of the world but herself

time revealed a life
truly better than this

repetitive periods of recovery
one’s wish irreversible
beauty uplifted the misery
weight eventually stable

one thousand four hundred sixty days
hidden silent all these years
one thousand four hundred sixty ways
held back brown eyed tears

her name was sydney rose
the girl who suffers with anorexia

i want to fall in love with myself
but i always seem to come acrosss
a simple flaw among my living
that makes me dislike me even more
perhaps
i should not let the flaws define me
yet instead allow them to inspire me

my heart is beating fastly
because it is not over you
but time is passing slowly
without your presence

my heart breaks in shatters

as you knew it was
always me
but you
always been
for her

i am starting to get disappointed in myself
for allowing acceptance of the ****
that i should not be putting up with in my life

forgive me but i am hopeful

it is still true as time comes
i am still serving you
my master
i am still loving you

i have put my life on hold
for i am sired to you
but you do not recognize
my worth is greater than
the one you hold

but i am still serving you

do not ask me why
for i do not have the answer

you told me that i was your dream girl
i guess you were right
because you never pursued me
to be your reality

your love makes me want to
tear off my clothes
& love myself entirely

i feel as if my life is falling apart
& i am doing nothing to stop it
watching each piece of me
slowly tear away for rotting

i am exhausted of my continuation  
to start over with a new person
only to introduce myself
later in the path of the two of us
to the problems i never got to solve
in my previous relations

there will be people you encounter in life
who are willing to wait for you
and others who are not
& both parties are okay to deal with
once you determine your worth