I have all these memories of you.
All these memories and I don't know where to put them down.
I have memories back before anything happened.
The way you were shorter than me until middle school.
The way you made my heart race.
I remember telling her about my heart not staying still.
And how a few weeks later you two held hands like my words meant nothing.
(have they ever meant anything)

I remember how good I felt when you laughed at something I said.
Or just at me in general.
I don't remember feeling bad at you making fun of me.
I just liked your attention.

I will never forget the way your feet felt
colliding with my shins in the hallway at school
your fist punching into my stomach.
Everyone saw.
Nobody acted.
I was fifteen.
I will never forget my mother's face when I showed her the bruises.
I couldn't hide them that time because I was limping.
It was like she had failed as a parent.
She had no idea how wrong she was.
(she was great she still is I don't tell her enough)

I remember how two years after that day you told me you loved me.
Will never forget how much of an idiot I was to believe you.
But you were the first, that I remember.
I would have done anything for you.
(sometimes I wake up thinking I still will it's been eight years this has to end)

I remember saying no the first time we slept together
Remember you whispering to me,
"she'll never find out"
"she means nothing to me"
"you know you'll like it"
"i love you i love you i love you"
And I blossomed like a flower the first day of spring
But that doesn't mean it wasn't ****.
I'll never forget the first time I thought that
I thought my lungs were falling out and I cried for hours
(I still don't know what it was but it makes me feel gross)

I remember how once we started dating
I assumed it would get better, I trusted you so much.
We were best friends, of course this was going to work.
I remember how my face stings after it's slapped.
I remember how your hands feel caressing my back when I'm sick.
I remember how your fingers felt pressed into my throat.
I remember the excuses.
"i bumped into something"
"it's not too warm for long sleeves"
"i'm just trying scarves for a look"
I was seventeen.

These are adult issues that no one should have to deal with
But I was
Too young
Too unprepared
Too gullible
Too scared
School doesn't teach you how to act when the abuse is suddenly
knocking at your door.
When you know you need to leave
But you're so into only him it's like you have no one else.
(he's the only person I talked to for two years)

It's been eight years
I still remember everything.
I need to put these memories down.
On a shelf, in a junk door behind the inkless pens.
In the ******* trash.
I feel like I'm not growing because these memories are
Clawing at my central nervous system
freezing me any time someone is too close.
I wish I didn't remember you.

It's hard for me
To feel my heartstrings
Pull apart at the very thought
That we could be
Anything other than this.

It's hard for me
To feel my lungs
Catch on my inhales
Every time you laugh
At one of my dumb jokes.

It's hard for me
To feel my chest
Constricting, clenching,  clasping
At the idea
Of you just walking into my arms.

It's hard for me
To feel my stomach
Explode in butterflies
Anytime you throw a smile
Even in my general direction.

It's just so hard for me
To know you're going home
To a girl who's not me

Kissing someone
who's not me.

Loving someone
Who just
isn't
me

It's hard to feel your brain arguing with your heart
because your brain always knows
how stupid your heart really is.

You
Are the reason
My synapses
Keep firing all at once
And making
My brain light up
Like the fullest
Of moons.

I'm beginning to realize
that maybe
this is the way things have to be.

Well then I think
you need
to tell your eyes to stop lighting up when you look at me

And just maybe
you may
need to stop trying to make me feel better

Because I'm beginning to realize
that I'll basically do anything
that you ask

i have a habit
of falling in love with my best friends
i think it’s my biggest mistake