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399 · Dec 2015
New Year
Swetank Modi Dec 2015
Everyone is writing them,
I guess I should too.
It's a new year,
everyone says it's a new start.
When really you stay the same.
You never restart.
I have no New Year resolutions,
for I will not stick with them.
Things will get in the way.
I don't see the point,
so I shall not bother.
Everyone have a good year,
even though I will stay here.
2016 new year welcome
Swetank Modi Jul 2014
There's a first time for everything.
First love-
First kiss,
First real relationship.
First time I knew you were looking right through me.
First time I doubted you,
First time I questioned the motives for the things you do.
First moment I suspected you didn't love me.
First time I knew you thought I was inferior to thee.
First time you yelled at me.
First time you touched me and it wasn't lovingly.
First time you pulled away from a kiss and then wouldn't look me in the eyes.
First time I knew some of what you said would still be just lies.
First time I could see myself building a life with another person.
First time I loved freely without needing permission.
First time I thought you were different.
First time I realized you were just like the rest of them.
Remember the first time you got so afraid I was going to leave?
First time you made me cry, first of oh so many.
First time you hugged me.
First time you spoke without love or sincerity.
First time you said you missed me.
Our first, and our last, anniversary.
First time you told me I wasn't very smart.
First time someone ever broke my heart.
388 · Oct 2014
I'm not weak, I'm Human
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
I don't remember much
I remember sitting with my mom
She said something that triggered me emotionally
I ignored it, I zoned out
I excused myself
I came to my room
I closed the door
I lay in my bed
Enduring the pain
Of my emotional misfortune
As well as the physical pain
From my pounding head
For some reason
I caught sight of my chest
I could see my nightdress
And I could see my heart
Trying as much as it can
To shy away from the pain
I felt it sink into hiding
I wish there was something
Something I could do for it
It's always been there for me
All the grenades it's caught for me
The scars it's bared for me
The cracks it's cemented for me
I felt a tear fall from my right eye
I was stunned, I touched my tear
I tasted it, salty taste of melancholy
That was weird for me
Because I haven't cried in 12 months
I wasn't expecting to cry
I never thought I would cry
Then I felt it
That feeling you get
When you drown yourself
In your own river of tears
385 · Jun 2014
The Red Overcoat
Swetank Modi Jun 2014
There she was, standing in the rain.

I held my hand out.
She dug her hands deep inside her pocket.

We both looked at the grass-
There was a sharp line.

I took a step forward.
She took a step back.

I listened to the sound of thunder,
She heard the raindrops thud against the ground.

I tried to talk.
She just shook her head.

I clutched at her red overcoat.
She just shook it off, and ran.

I cried out in desperation.
She never turned back.


"I was always holding onto people, and they were always leaving. "
382 · Jun 2014
Little Infinity
Swetank Modi Jun 2014
So ever since I was a kid,

I found myself chasing for the things I could never have.

The clothes I could never wear.

The things I could never eat.

The people I could never meet.

Never love. Never kiss. Never truly have.

The person I could never love.

The person I could never kiss.

I person I could never have.

You asked me today to let you go.

But how can I let you go, my love!

When I never had you at all!

You told me you loved me with all your heart.

That I’m a wild rose and I will always be yours,

And I believed you

Because at that moment – I know you meant it!

But sometimes love is not enough to keep two people together.

And I learned it the hard way,

When I never got the things I wanted.

When I never got the people I love.

And when I realized that every moment,

Every breath is just one more cry.

One more loss.

One more death.

And I feel like I’m a walking funeral

Of the death of all these incomplete wishes,

Oh! They are still haunting me.

You. You…

You are not one of those wishes.

Never was – never will.

You will always be with me.

And I’m talking about forever here.

You will be with me - like my heartbeat,

And my sight.

And my voice.

And my thoughts.

And my dreams.

My desires. My cravings. My soul.

I know that nothing lasts forever.

“Forever” is such a myth.

But in the last couple of days –

When you told me you love me,

Even with my flaws.

Especially with my flaw.

When you made me smile with just a text message.

When you kissed me Good night.

When you made me love myself.

When you made my world stop.

You gave me my little infinity,

In these last couple of days.

And no one can take that away from me.

Ever.

You will always be my

Little Infinity.
380 · Oct 2014
Be A Poet
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
be a poet
if you must
but know this
from one who cares

it is an addiction
that will cause strife

you will learn
stuff you never really
wanted to know

you will find pieces
of your soul
best forgotten

you will stay awake
late into the night
trying to twist a phrase
til, it turns out just right.

there will be tears
and much frustration
at times you will
neglect your
everyday life

oh there will be angst
and fear as you let
your poems go
and see your words fly

and yes i cannot deny
there will be joy
as you discover
new words
with which to toy

so be a poet, if you must
if you have, a liking
for garrets and starvation
enough to offset your
word lust

just be original
don't be a parrot
it is your life
you get to chose
your own folly...
364 · Oct 2014
Your Chocolate Poems
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
You wrote me chocolate poems once
And asked if the words
Would melt on my tongue
When I spoke them aloud
Would their sweet taste
Linger only as long
As it took for me to say I loved them
Would the verses run together
And make a muddied mess of emotion
That quickly faded
I just laughed at the thought of it
These chocolate poems
Not understanding what you meant
That all you thought you were doing
Was feeding me sugar sentiments
Candy coated love
That I would eat up
And never think of again
So I ask you this
as I pull your chocolate poems
Out of the drawer I kept them in
for all these years
Do you think they have melted?
363 · Sep 2014
A Single Hello
Swetank Modi Sep 2014
Hello
I just want to say hello
In the longest way i possibly can
I saw you there and I knew
I wanted to speak to you
I had to speak to you
And the best thing I came up with
is hello
Hello isn't just a greeting
It has many different meanings
So many ways you can say hello
You can say hey
With just a simple word
I'm telling you all the things
I want to say
Hello can mean I like you
Hello can mean I miss you
Hello can mean please come to my side
Make sure you follow what comes next
Make sure you read between the lines
Hello is just a letter addressed to you
I'm going to write you a letter
And in it a single message
"Hello"
357 · Aug 2017
Broken Promise
Swetank Modi Aug 2017
The promise has been broken
Now everything looks blurry to us
We try to make a head way but yet
We are still not getting what we want

We feel left out
To us every situation mellows us
Because feel we have no say at all
We tell different stories that are both
true and lies

Decieving the wold with our tales
Making it seem true but they are lies
We go about living a double life
Forgeting our background compromising
our life with lies
343 · Oct 2014
Why'd I Grow Up?
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
The internal clock winds down another year
Time keeps going by faster i fear
How much longer am i supposed to be here
That's not up for me to decide
Or is it
Who knows anymore
Certainly not me
Counted my birthdays on five year intervals with my fingers and toes
I've ran out
Nineteen years old still so very concerned with what life is about
I'm wasting time
Or am i
Who knows anymore
Am i still in my youth
What little youth i had
You tend to grow up very fast when self loathing thoughts are all you've ever had
Praying to a god to relieve you of always being so sad
Relative to everything that's happened in the past
I cannot release this hot burning coal
Its not as simple as letting things go
338 · Oct 2014
Annual
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
The internal clock winds down another year
Time keeps going by faster i fear
How much longer am i supposed to be here
That's not up for me to decide
Or is it
Who knows anymore
Certainly not me
Counted my birthdays on five year intervals with my fingers and toes
I've ran out
Twenty one years old still so very concerned with what life is about
I'm wasting time
Or am i
Who knows anymore
Am i still in my youth
What little youth i had
You tend to grow up very fast when self loathing thoughts are all you've ever had
Praying to a god to relieve you of always being so sad
Relative to everything that's happened in the past
I cannot release this hot burning coal
Its not as simple as letting things go
338 · Aug 2017
Why
Swetank Modi Aug 2017
Why
Whats it all really about
Why are we here
Why are we all so driven, so desperately violent when
There is but one certainty
In the whole of lifes continum-
Its end.
Exhaustive questions and berating theories have me deep in
Self reflective madness
But any expression, any writing - any cry - is that but a reflection of Our precociously ill conceived time
335 · Oct 2014
The Best Way
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
She spoke to me in poetry
The only way to communicate with my heart directly without interferences.
330 · Jul 2014
Even you
Swetank Modi Jul 2014
Everyone



needs to be told it's going to be okay sometimes.





And it will.
You have it in you to be what you imagine
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
The younger kid
Looks at the older girl
And wonders
Why she doesn't drive yet

Why she's still riding the
School bus,

He wonders
Why her ears are plugged
So deep,
Throbbing with sounds
He can almost hear.

He wonders
Why she looks so sullen.
So somber.

At his younger age,
There's not as much
To be sad about yet.
But he doesn't know.
And she's not about to tell him.

They're separated by years
And he can't quite understand her
But she understands
Him,
wondering.
Because she used to do it too.

Why did i ever grow up?
312 · Oct 2014
Like
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
Like my 5 poems
And I will like your 10 poems
Hip hip hurray
Really Trust me I'm serious
308 · Oct 2014
All I Am
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
Don’t tell me being numb
hurts less than a scar.
Don’t tell me feeling nothing
hurts less than a bruise.

After a while nothing
is, but not caring
turns to more pain
than you can imagine.

The only reason not to feel
is because of pain.
I’m told to feel nothing
because words don’t hurt.

Words hurt more than anything
the names I was called
changed who I was
and still hurt now.

You may say it once
but I repeat it.
over and over
until I believe it.

It turns to reality
my whole life story
'till it’s all I see
when I think of me.

And you can say it’s me
who picks up that knife
to hurt myself
but it’s not my fault.

It’s your words
that lift that knife.
And it’s your words
that put it in my arm.

And it’s your words
that I repeat
as I search for death
in everything.

It’s your words
that make me hate me.
And it’s your words
that made me this way.

Your words
take the form of a knife.
The knife that hurts me,
The knife I now need.

And I stand here
wondering how
you could possibly
not know.

Am I really that good
at pretending I’m fine?
that the words you’re saying
aren’t cuts in my arm?

Or is it just
that you don’t care?
That I’m really a no one,
just like you said?

Because to myself
I’m just your insults.
I’m just what you call me,
a person to hate.

All I am is your cruel words.
301 · Oct 2014
Where I Can
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
I'm walking in the rain.
Hooded head tilted down.
Thinking about the school
And its restrictions on me.

Thinking about how this new girl
May be my new love.
Wondering how I've came
To cutting myself.

There's two places left uncompromised.
At home alone or out and about
Where none can catch me.
Where none will doubt me.

Where I can write my heart out.
Where I can cut (myself) without fear.
Where I can believe in Santa Clause.

Where I can listen without judgement.
Where I can be free without conforming.
Where I can love without hate.
291 · Oct 2014
And Breathing Stops
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
Before I come and wake you
With hot tea and kisses
I will say some quiet words
In the dark
where you cannot hear them

I founder sometimes in your beauty
As if the side or depth of it are out of reach
I sink beneath its density
How your body shudders
With unwinding joy
When everything and breathing stops
In one intense point of space and time
Resounding and fading
A sheer pulsing drift of wonder

Then I feel your flesh vibrating
Like strings beneath my fretted fingers
Like an ocean of dazed and dazzled being
Exploding beyond your senses
And flooding your soul with holy vespers

And I am blessed to be in your body at such a time

And I am further blessed
By the intimacy of your secrets
Those fears and hopes
Your most precious self that no one sees
Beyond the energies of life and death
Beyond healing and forgiveness

You let me touch your prayers

In grace and bright dawning
When being is done and the universe explodes
Will the murmurs of our love
taste like Sanctus on the lips of angels

And I will be blessed to be in you at such a time
289 · Aug 2015
College
Swetank Modi Aug 2015
Silly me, sitting in a new class,
feeling like a social disaster.
At the front, there's no one
to hide behind,
no one who'll turn around
to ask for a pen.
That first interaction-
a distraction from reclusive habits.
There is a bag and jacket
sitting in the seat behind me.
My writing is all that dares
to converse with me.
It's quiet company
amongst the chatter of my peers
the voices I wish I didn't hear.
When teacher asks our names,
and I stutter to respond
there are whispers in my ears.
Am I the only one?
Who doesn't know a soul-
who couldn't say hello,
when that girl's smile showed?
It's not a place I'd call home,
so I keep my nose in the chicken-scratch-
reading the syllabus
silly me, in a new class,
whispering social disaster out loud.
College anxiety introvert stammer scare silly class outcast
288 · Aug 2015
Sister
Swetank Modi Aug 2015
I know that you look up to me;
For one, because I'm six feet tall,
But I think that I have done my best,
To keep you safe -- away from all,
The little things that ****** me up.
287 · Oct 2014
Young
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
The younger kid
Looks at the older girl
And wonders
Why she doesn't drive yet

Why she's still riding the
School bus,

He wonders
Why her ears are plugged
So deep,
Throbbing with sounds
He can almost hear.

He wonders
Why she looks so sullen.
So somber.

At his younger age,
There's not as much
To be sad about yet.
But he doesn't know.
And she's not about to tell him.

They're separated by years
And he can't quite understand her
But she understands
Him,
wondering.
Because she used to do it too.
273 · Jun 2014
At The Day's Demise
Swetank Modi Jun 2014
Turn off the light,
Close your eyes,
Trying to sleep,
At the day’s demise.
Think of your day,
All the people you met,
Pick a special moment,
Mark the date.
Think of the future,
Or maybe the next day,
Of all your plans,
And how to make a way.
Think of someone,
Their eyes, their smile,
Think of their words,
Whether they hurt or beguile.
Think of the past,
Of your childhood,
Think of all the people,
Who helped you into adulthood.
Imagine possible situations,
Maybe cry a bit,
Lose yourself to sleep,
‘Till, again, the world is lit.
268 · Jun 2014
The Poetess
Swetank Modi Jun 2014
The crying sun
The moonless night.
The silent poetess
With words so bright.
The soft murmur
The gentle caress.
The careless whisper
Her silken dress.
She cries in dark
Her pain is veiled.
She puts in fear
A brave new face.
Those misty eyes
With tears like dew.
They speak to me
In words so few.
Her words flow
With unseen grace.
Her lips move
With mingled haste.
The silent poetess
Cries in vain.
For she finds none
To share her pain.
267 · Oct 2014
A Tear
Swetank Modi Oct 2014
If I were a tear
Would you let
Me run down
Your sweet,
Smooth cheek?

~ ~ ~

Would you let me comfort you in
Your time of need
Change the painful tears to
Happy tears, bring out your
Beautiful smile, would you?

~ ~ ~

If I were a tear
I'd love you
Forever and
Make you realise
We're not all bad.
Swetank Modi Jun 2014
What do you do when your illusions shatter?
When someone who you thought was your dearest
closest friend, the one who could rely on...
Shows again and again that she doesn't care?
That she isn't who you thought she was
Or maybe she's grown up, grown apart, grown different?
What do you do if you still care?
If you reach out your arms to eyes that don't see them?
Plead to ears that don't want to hear?
How long do you stay in place, arms open?
Wait and wait for your turn to talk?
How do you believe that it's over?
How do you deal when the friend you thought would always listen
Brushes away your deepest, humiliating fears with a laugh?
Who shrugs when you told her you needed her, and she wasn't there?
Shrugs because of course -- of course! -- her life is
more important than your own. Her sorrows more tragic.
You are merely to profit from her examples.
How do you react when you realize
this person who thinks she knows you so well
Doesn't know you at all? Barely as much as that stranger
You just met, but who listens when you tell them what you want
And who you are. Who thinks of you as a person
Not someone who should reside in her head.
How difficult it is to let go of an illusion
Even though you've been lonely for so long
To abandon hope is another thing altogether
To turn your back on the past and break
those fragile threads. To look ahead and
Never look back again.
There is no shatter as if of broken glass
Fragile but till now protected.
No cry of anguish except in one heart.
And that's not audible. But if
You listen closely, you might hear
The last threads of fabric tear.
254 · Jun 2014
Lost...
Swetank Modi Jun 2014
She gazed outside the window,
the sun falling on her eyes;
Her eyes full of dreams, full of reason,
but there was an emptiness,  an emptiness that couldn't be defined.
She gave a tiny laugh as she saw two young birds fly past.
The warm winter afternoon filled her heart
with a little happiness, a little sorrow, a little bit of...everything.
The sun made her feel beautiful, made her feel special.
Staring at it with closed eyes made her feel brave. Then why was it so incomplete?
Why did it all feel so, well....lost?
250 · Jun 2014
The Lovers
Swetank Modi Jun 2014
And soon, the day will come,

When all would be set and done!

When all the curtains between

Nothingness and vacuum will fall apart.

They will dig us back,

From the haunted grounds

And desolated cemeteries.

And our soul will dance

On the tongue of salvation!

Our cadavers –

Oh! They will look at each other,

Craving to touch,

To find their eternal ending.

But they will never touch their fingertips,

With each other.

And they will never be together!

Because the most beautiful things in this world

Are always destroyed. Always broken.

And they all would come and see us!

They would display our bodies

In museums and in exhibitions,

They would take tickets from people to see,

The longing and the pain

That would reside on our skeleton.

The longing for a forever that never came.

And from that day onwards, they would call us,

“The Lovers!”
237 · Sep 2014
The Room Without Death
Swetank Modi Sep 2014
I remember your breath,
In the room without death,
You were ranting so strange with your hands.
Stroking your hair,
In the perfumed air
While the blossoms
Lay still on your land.

And those were the days,
And that was our world,
We were running from the filth
And the cash.
And I was in love
With your eerie kind soul,
I still have your
White ribbon sash.

But you weren’t aware,
With the books in your head,
Amongst the butterflies drifting around.
You weren’t aware,
With your bright shining hair,
Just sleep now,
You’re sleeping now,
Just sleep now,
You’re awake now,
Your fingertips gracing the ground.

I remember your breath,
In the room without death,
Your jewels useless,
They lay on the mat.
We sat and we sang,
Ignoring the bang,
As the prisoners were shot through their hats.

And then closing your eyes
From the outside noise,
That tried to sneak up under the door.
You sighed out a song,
You said ‘God no more’
I have lived well
Although I didn’t live long.

And you floated away,
Like a white feathered moth,
Your face
It was warmed by the sun.
You floated away,
On that tropical dusk day,
You’re asleep now,
Please just sleep now,
You’re asleep now,
A constant dream now,
Stop feeling the earth down

It’s done.
236 · Jun 2014
Stay. Stay. Stay.
Swetank Modi Jun 2014
“I love you,”

Was the last thing I wanted to say to you.

Before you walked away

And disappeared with the melting sunset.

When a part of me died with the broken bones

And the cracked ribs that produced an empty sound,

A nostalgic echo with the flawed beats of my heart.

So instead of letting you know,

How much I loved you –

I remained still and I choose to stay.

I stayed like the wrinkles of my bed

That unfolds themselves with your curves

And remains intact even in your absence.

I stayed like the roots of a winter tree

That never lifts up above the ground

And only choose to penetrate within

Until nothing remains to grow.

And I choose to stay,

Like a frozen chunk of ice

Or a heartless bronze statue;

Having a faraway look in my eyes –

Waiting for you to come back.

Waiting for you to turn.

Waiting to forgive you.

Because someone once told me,

That is what love is.

— The End —