This is not your role. You're not here to stay. But don't forget your lines. Say it anyway... "I love you. I can't live without you in my life. I want to make you my wife"

You play the part well! but you're not the one. You will be replaced when the real star comes.

Of course my part doesn't change. I will promise to love you forever. I will say my heart is yours. That with you my life feels better. But these words aren't meant for you. I'm just practicing my lines. I'm so good at it now.  I've been rehearsing a long time.

You're just another stand in. In a long line of men. The auditions have not finished. That they will, who knows when? But your role here is done.. Call in the next one...

© 2012

Saying my "goodnight"s to God my prayer inadvertently strays
As my mind starts to wander in a million different ways.
I reflect on where we started thousands of years in the past,
When our first parents made a poor choice with consequences that would a long time last.
Imagine:
Not having to pray to God thru Christ his son
But rather speaking to him as a friend one-on-one.
As you walk in your garden with no property bounds
You delight in the peace with the animals & the variety of sounds.
But alas that deadly bite they took
And the hope of everlasting life forsook.
Their once perfect bodies now began to decay
And onto their offspring this curse did relay.

So the wheels in my head now spin
To my inheritance of sin
And my determination to overcome
The inherent sin to which most succumb.

Though the enemies try to fight
To bring me down with all their might
I know there is a stronger power
A refuge & strong tower
Into which I'm able to run
When my own strength is done

Because although we're born from them
God's word like a precious gem
Promises that to us he will incline
Because between our sin & perfection is a fine line.

He made us in HIS image out of love
Exercising His power from the heights above
Instantly displaying His justice when His purpose was diverted
In His infinite wisdom knowing His true lovers could not be converted.

Promising to us he would restore
Conditions of the Earth as they were before
Paying with the life of his Son the ultimate price
So that all exercising faith could once & always live in Paradise..

© 2012

In Praise of Feeling Bad About Yourself

The buzzard never says it is to blame.
The panther wouldn't know what scruples mean.
When the piranha strikes, it feels no shame.
If snakes had hands, they'd claim their hands were clean.

A jackal doesn't understand remorse.
Lions and lice don't waver in their course.
Why should they, when they know they're right?

Though hearts of killer whales may weigh a ton,
in every other way they're light.

On this third planet of the sun
among the signs of *******
a clear conscience is Number One.

When no one is there for me, where do I turn?
Why must I grovel for what I have earned?

How I seek and find you - you who always cares!
When no one else is there for me, will you still be there?

I come to you in sorrow, in anguish & in pain
hoping a solution from you I will gain.

We've been together in sadness and in joy.
I come to you because you know: the heart is not a toy.

You know when I am joking and when I am not.
When in depression I am soaking, by you my happiness is sought.

You're always there - through thick and thin.
If I had a "friend contest" you would win!

You're always there - day after day
When I have a problem, you know just what to say.

When I need someone, I turn to you
When I want to share my joy or when I'm feeling blue.

Will you always be there for me though?
If our lives go through changes, please don't go.

When no one else is there for me, will I still turn to see
your caring, loving, friendly smile loyally there just for me?

© 1998

I can't really say for sure if I ever knew true love, because I have never understood a clear definition of what it is.  I see in the movies - guy meets girl, woos her, they fall in love & live happily ever after;  I see family / friends seemingly in love but bickering, fighting, unfortunately sometimes never reconciling.  I can truthfully say I have known many loves in its innumerable forms. I have opened my heart only to close it again due to fear, uncertainty, doubt or deceit.  I have promised my undying love to not just a few, only to steal my heart back treacherously as if it would cause them no pain.  How could it possibly - they lived successfully before they knew or loved me - yet, what if it did?  and why am I so "numb" to that pain.  Why don't I feel the sting of ripping my OWN heart out of my OWN chest and trampling it every time someone tries to love me? I don't want to be loved - because that leaves me vulnerable to getting hurt.
But I DO want to be loved - God only knows where I'll find it.

© 2012

For years I racked my brain for ways to make you mine.
Today, I finally realized I wasted all that time.

For, here you stand before a joyful crowd
Announcing the love you share for her out loud...

Declaring your loyalty & devotion to her always,
While I watch & listen in a misty tearful haze.

I never thought my feelings for you ran so deep,
but now my feelings, to myself I must forever keep.

And each time I see you both, in your happiness
I will remember to myself that all those years were hopeless.

© 2000

When he looks at me, he stares....he loves me!
Then again maybe he glares...he loves me not.

He smiled! He smiled at me!... He loves me!
Oh wait! It was the girl behind me...he loves me not.

He's approaching - maybe he wants to talk...he loves me!
I guess I was wrong - he continues to walk...he loves me not.


He's having a party and I'm invited!...He loves me!
He calls it off for a more important engagement...he loves me not!

He's talking with his friends and at me they look...He loves me!
They start to laugh they think I'm too hooked...He loves me not.

He stares at me, smiles & then approaches... He loves me!
He talks to me - tells me his friends were his 'coaches'... He loves me!
They told him to no longer hide his secret... He loves me!
He tells me how long it was for him to keep it:  HE LOVES ME!!

© 1992

I didn't say I was unhappy by myself
I never said I would be complete if I shared my love with someone else.
I didn't say you give me chills and warm my heart when you stand so near.
When I whispered to myself that you are wonderful I made sure you didn't hear.

You probably don't even wonder what I say about you to others.
You don't know that I have conversations about if I'm a capable wife, with my mother.
You're not interested in hearing that I look up recipes that you might enjoy.
Or that I wish I could tell you about my skills in sewing, cleaning or other talents I employ.

When you asked me if I was interested in you, I assumed you probably knew
So I said sure I like your friendship and qualities and admire the goals that you pursue.
When you told me that you liked me as a good friend
I didn't protest or confess that I was willing to wait til your interest in me ascends.

I won't write of the "L" word or that I'm feeling sad
This poem is not about the horrible day I had.
I won't try to inspire you with philosophical prose
Or tell you about colors of flowers like a rose.
I want to confuse you
Amuse you
Abuse your mind
your thoughts maligned.

With poetry you undress yourself layer by thin layer
Each word, verse, poem or page reveals who you are,
where you've been, how you've been treated, your reasons for despair.

Birthmarks, bad hair, too fat, too thin
you hide your shy smile, or a big toothy grin.
Eye color, the size of your nose too big for your face
imagined only by you but these thoughts have no base.

To others you are beautiful, funny, amazing,
confident, conceited, smart, loyal, sincere.
Against your own knowledge or impression
all these quirks to you others endear.

It doesn't matter what part of the world you are from on this Earth
Even from thousands of miles away through poetry we can evaluate your great worth.

Thank you for sharing yourselves with us
For enlightening our lives
Thank you for giving us your perspective
and with each word making us realize

For you life is ... something different ... than it is for me.

© 2012

I** feel I am not good enough
No one really needs me.
Although I have many skills,
Disapproval is all I foresee.
Everyone looks for more
Questioning my future life goals.
Uncaring to my personal feelings.
Always wanting things their way.
Taking me under their control.
Everyone wants more than I have to offer.

© 1996

This silence is too loud to bear.
As the internal screams pierce the stale air.
My feet feel nailed to the ground;
although I'd like to run away
I'm trapped by all that's around.
My prayers to God are shouted at the top of my lungs - in my private room.
still it seems only a whisper he cannot discern - when done praying the problems resume.
Though I'm surrounded by friends, family & those I love so dearly,
I feel so alone, secluded & lost as I can never express myself clearly.
They shower me with praise, or appreciation or reassurance
My auto-reply is "Thank you" while inside I'm losing endurance.
They say "you're so strong. Keep up the good deeds"
Yet no one asks me if I'm fulfilling all my needs.
Financially secure, well-fed & comfortable home.
In a job that I despise, eating unbalance unhealthy meals, and feeling so alone.
The internal screams get louder with each passing day
As I wonder when they will become so loud that God finally finds me a way
To find peace
Silent the screams
The internal torment
Deliver me from these demons
That haunt me & taunt me
And seek to devour me
So that I can hear The sweet sounds of silence again.

I'm kind of embarrassed to relate
how utterly stupid my tendency
Something about myself I so hate
To give in to the selfish dependency
Of those who will take me for granted
Like a hamster in my wheel
Falling for charming words that are chanted
While ulterior motives are concealed.

Yes I confess I did it again
I caved to his needy whims
I unblocked the calls & gave in
But still only the surface this skims

It's all about the Benjamins, baby
to make him a happy man
or so I thought but it seems maybe
4 or 5 "Large" seems even more 'grand'

And yet I give without compulsion
no need to whimper or beseech
then immediately after i have that gut repulsion
that I'm being ****** like a leech

How do I put an end to this vicious cycle?
When will I learn that 'no' is an option too?
Can I reject the request without being spiteful?
Or do I just have to totally ignore you?

Any advice or counsel that can be offered
would be very welcome and appreciated
All suggestions shared will be proffered
If you can help me to have this problem alleviated.

If we can't talk to strangers,
How does popularity start?

What can be said about confusion?
What can be said to create the illusion?
When you feel love, but love is not felt.
When you give out your heat, but in return it's not dealt.
Could his heart be in seclusion?

Nobody loves without love.
It's like a gift from above.
When he loves you and yet does not know,
When your dreams come true, will it finally show.
You belong together like hand-in-glove.

Confusion - such a curious thing!
Confusion - how very bafflling!
When you love him, does he love you?
If he loves you, will he tell you?
If he tells you, will your dreams come true?
If your dreams come true, will it last through and through?
It's just too much to think about, 'cause, when you do,
you get curiously confused about your dreams and what is true.

It happened to me so many times years ago.
I met this boy who I wanted to know.
The first time I saw him, I wanted to marry.
Though I was young, this dream I did carry.
Many, many times my dream was shattered.
He loved someone else & my heart broke and scattered.
But never did my hopes grow dim -
I still believed I was going to marry "him".

Something about the look in his eye
Told me that his heart I could buy.
But before I could bring him his love for me to see,
I had to grow more confident - I had to love me.
Once in this I had succeeded
I knew I could do what else was needed:
Love him - sincerely - show him I care,
Let him know I would always be there -
In joy and in pain,
Through sunshine or rain -
Together these times we would share.

But still I am left in confusion
I wish I could clear the disillusion.
Does he love me - does he not?
Are all my efforts for naught?
One day we will have heartfelt fusion.

© 1992

I've tried to tell you at least 1000 times
But the words were too scared to come out
Or the right words didn't exist
In the language I've spoken my whole life
And were I to try another language
They might make more sense
You need to know - it's vital
Both emotionally & physically
And you probably already do
But your mind struggles to process
The immensity of what should have been done
 so long ago
But now seems too late to reverse..

So there I've said it.. Do you understand?
Oh, there I go again. I've said so much &
Tried so hard, but the words won't come out
I'll try again soon, hopefully
Before it's too late....

Stains & worn spots in carpet.
(A heart trampled, abused & neglected)
Torn wallpaper.
(She doesn’t feel as beautiful as she once did)
Chipping paint.
(With a little maintenance & love she would shine)
Mold from water damage
(Nights of tears & heartache stain her pretty face)
Leaky roof
(Her mind only dwells on the past not able to rise above & find something better)
Poor design
(Is it her fault – she was made this way by God – to give her whole heart & soul.  For what?)
Needs expansion to fit more people
(Her heart is cramped and closed – afraid to let anyone in.)
Chairs hard, uncomfortable.
(Unaccommodating, she turns people away so that they won’t hurt her too.)

..BEAUTY visible outside and inside.
..someone who every law abides.
..not just the external display.
..what's inside - the heart we obey.
..you and me sharing the eternal prize
of everyday restoring earth to a beautiful Paradise.
..no war, no crime, no accidents or dying.
..the resurrection & the joyful tears we're crying.
..a young boy at peace with cobra, lion & sheep
..not locking our doors to due fear when we're asleep.
..black, white, young but no one old
sharing without prejudice all the treasures they hold.
..happiness we feel when we meditate
on all the blessings we receive from our God so great!

© 1999

I just needed someone to talk to
A shoulder to cry on
An open ear to hear my worries or
Just talk about life in general.

Surrounded by family, friends, social media
You would think that would be easy to find.
I guess it was - I found you
(or you found me, when I was searching).

I said the right thing at the right time;
or it meant something important to you;
or you said the right thing
about what it meant to me -
whatever the case may be -
We met.  We talked.  We opened our deepest archives.
I told you things I never revealed to anyone.
I guess I felt my secrets were safe with you;
I guess I trusted you.

You seemed to understand me.
You treasured the new perspectives I shared with you.
You wanted what I could give you -
that you never had before.
You needed something to hold onto:
Hope; security; belonging.

I had nothing to hide from you,
I just wanted to talk.
You were a blank canvas that I could paint all of my life's experiences on.
A fresh paint - The pictures were clearer to you.
You were amazed, astounded by my originality, genuineness.
You said you could fall in love with me.
I told you not to - we couldn't help it though.

You loved me selfishly - you needed me almost every minute of every day.
You asked things of me that others had asked for & been denied.
But for some reason, I wanted to give those things to you.
Where once I disguised my heart, or kept it tightly locked up & hidden,
You made me strip off every layer that hid it,
I stripped my heart "Naked" for you - unprotected, vulnerable, defenseless.

You were badly wounded & beaten
by so many who "hated" you from your past.
I wanted to heal your wounds.
I am a caretaker,
A nurturer, a healer.
You trusted me.
Gradually, the pain of your past lessened:
The joy of your possible future = the salve.

As I, you needed a shoulder - I gave you both.
I carried you - you became heavy.
As long as I had the strength or the means or the will
You were happy, content, cooperative.

Really what did I ask of you? Just one simple request.
You could not agree.
I don't fault you for that -
We all have free will.
But I LITERALLY gave you EVERYTHING!!!
Interest-free...

Music? Should I be inspired
By what moves someone else's heart?
I don't know them,
I thought I knew you.
I was wrong.

I said it wouldn't happen,
I wouldn't let it happen;
I warned you that it could:
But I resented that you expected what I gave you!
Only after I told you that I had to draw the line
Did you say you should never have asked.
But you did? You never refused.
I always said yes...

...Until today.
Our last goodbye.
The pain faded fast,
Quickly followed by the realization
That you used me!!
You got All you needed from me.

And you may think I received nothing from you,
But you gave me lots:
Another wound to heal,
Another lesson learned,
Another failed attempt to save someone who is already dead.
Another mistake,
Another story to tell,
Another poem to write,
Another mystery for me to unravel -
about why I always let this happen to me,
why I always give so much to get so little.
What does it really do for me?

I LOVED THE IDEA OF BEING YOUR "EVERYTHING" - I LOVED THAT YOU NEEDED ME - I LOVED THAT YOU WANTED & DESIRED ME - I LOVED THAT I WAS THE ONLY GOOD THING IN YOUR LIFE - I LOVED BEING ABLE TO SHARE MY KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU - I LOVED HOW MUCH YOU ENVIED ME - I LOVED CRYING WHEN YOU HURT ME (BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT IT MEANT MY LOVE WAS REAL) .......

*I loved being strong enough to walk away for the last time........

I don't know where to start - perhaps the beginning is my best bet.
Although I'm not sure if I should start with the "beginning" of my life or just the misery yet.
I write these cliche rhymes to distract from my mental chaos,
To veil the scattered thoughts for which I am at a loss.
Should I explain how at 34 years old I have yet to find true love.
Or how I'm stuck in a hellish job which I'm sick and tired of?
or that I am proud and ashamed of my family at the same time.
or how I worry that I have missed my calling & that I'm past my prime.
Is this the proper venue to SCREAM for a helping hand?
Am I alone in this jungle of inner battles in this foreign land?
Foreign because I don't know who I've become,
don't understand the language in my head, where these surroundings came from.
Makes no sense to you because you don't know my history
Even to me my ramblings are a mystery.
My brain shoots thoughts like comets to the page.
Flashes of light in my mind, Lightning streaks, trampling like a rampage.
How can I feel so capable & confident
and at the same time helpless & insecure?
How can I write so many words
and say nothing.....

© 2012 Cindy Quick

He was born strong, he had to be,
Lest he sacrifice his anonymity.
A force to be reckoned with within himself
Or was it the all-powerful force that enslaves you and me.
Most fall prey to its whims, not him.
He was wise to their tricks from the start
From every social class it claims its victims
But not he with his invincible heart.

Blame it on who you will
Mom when she popped the pill
Or pops when he gulped his swill
Siblings who plotted the ****
Past lovers who could never fulfill
No - none of the above..He blames himself
He is ill.

To be exposed to the public
Makes him physically sick
The panic sets in, then comes the sweat
Body lurching, losing control (tick, tick)
A second feels like eternity in their sight
He just wants to disappear, take flight.
The social fear, anxiety has a vicious bite.

He doesn't deserve the sad fate
Of which he's found hard to escape.
His heart made of iron walls built around the biggest love one could imagine.
His mind exploding with passion
Ambition, strength, desperation
But the fear that holds him captive
A thick Veil creates
Blinding the world's eyes - that they may never see how great
And how beautiful a mind he possesses.

I wish I could make him famous
It's a shame for him to stay concealed
If you had the honor to know what his name is
Perhaps your broken view of the world would be healed.
Because he has a way of telling a story
That is completely captivating
Equally self-shaming & proclaiming his glory
Leaves you for hours or days his words contemplating.

You can't just turn away & forget
You can't just say no & regret
When his hand is extended for aid
It's the least you can do. How you're made
In God's image, a God of love & kindness
Can't withhold or turn your eye in blindness.

Despite his pervasive surroundings
Of filth & greed & surrender
He finds a way to self-preserve
Or for a friend a favor to render.
Although he himself has nothing
No worldly possessions to claim
Would give his arm & his leg - risk his neck
To save a friend, or even a stranger, HECK!

This sorry poem still does him no justice
Doesn't convey the full picture
His life account could fill volumes
In libraries in every town of every state in this small nation.
See, even I know only a fraction.
Yet without having known him
Who would I be?
What lessons in life would be lacking?
I have him to thank for opening my heart again
Tearing it out violently & replacing it
With even more capacity to love than before.

He should know how many hearts he has touched
How many have stood at a distance & admired his strength.
He should believe that his potential is real, beyond his wildest imagination.
He should feel proud that he brought life into this world, showed someone what love means while all he's known is hate.
That in itself is a miracle.
He's a miracle
He's someone special.
Someone special to me.

The night was damp & dark & cold and silence overcame the dwelling.
When all could be heard was the repetitious heartbeat & the thickness of fear ever swelling.

The young girl sat up straight in her bed - sweat & tears coursing streams down her face.
She couldn't call for her mother or father to help her the horrid images erase.

As she sat there the dream played reruns in her mind - the screams from a room that could not be found.
She'd opened each door to salvage her loved one, only to find herself captured and bound.

The mysterious man wore a mask on his face to hide heinous scars that lie underneath.
As he stepped from the dark he removed the veiling mask and used it as a gag so she could not breathe.

She writhed and pulled to set herself free, but to no avail the bonds only grew stronger.
She screamed at the top of her lungs for help until she could scream no longer.

He walked around her in ominous circles planning his next evil motion:
"Perhaps vicious torture, or better yet! I'll concoct a death-dealing potion."

Then he whispered damply in her ear as she cringed from the touch of his fingers
and the stench of his breath in the room overwhelmed - even now awake, in her mind the scent odiously lingers.

And after the potion was finally complete he takes creeping paces toward her.
And with each step his monotonous laugh grows louder & louder & LOUDER!

And then, as the vile touches her lips and the bitterness shocks her taste buds,
she breaks free from the villain and puts him to death and runs, but there's nowhere to run.

And she comes to the end of a long, dark hallway and begins to fall through a ravenous abyss
and then came the bottom, which is when she awoke in a cold sweat with clenched teeth & clenched fists.

© 1999

A smile is a beautiful thing - it shows happiness, joy & love.
It makes the birds louder sing; the sun shines brighter above.

A smile is contagious - I smile, you smile, then him & her.
Its results are outrageous, a frown it can deter.

A smile has so much power.  When someone is sad it brings delight.
It's more beautiful than a flower.  It makes a gloomy day bright.

So share your smiles every day. Don't be greedy or else
your sun will turn to clouds of gray & your joy the raindrops will melt.

© 1995

You needed something to eat
I gave you food.
You needed a reason to smile
I improved your mood.
You nearly lost your house
I paid all the bills.
You searched for God
I helped you to know his will.
You were cold in the winter
I bought you a coat
You needed references for a job
A recommendation letter I wrote.
What more could I possibly give you
for you to be complete
You asked me my love to impart
I gave you everything I had
...except for my heart....
.
.
.
.
I gave it on loan but the debt was too steep.
I had to re-possess.

The spring is one of the most mystical seasons,
You're probably wondering why.
Just give me a moment and I'll give you the reasons
for this theory that I live my life by:

First, it's in the soft cool breeze
Just warm enough to excite our senses.
And then in the scent of fresh blooms on the trees
Cause us to abate our defenses.

And the sound of beautiful birdsong
as each species takes its turn
to share with his friends that he's waited so long
for the Spring's warm sun to burn.

And the grass grows greener every day
to depict a completely ravishing display
of contrasts of colors too vast to proclaim
Some so beautiful they deserve a new name!

And the smell that the new-sprung flowers impart
a newfound emotion that seizes the heart.
And you thank the true god for the gifts from above
For providing us offerings that move us to love.

© 1991

Deceivingly sweet, but I'm toxic
The poison will paralyze you
I'll spin my intricate web around your heart
Then **** your life & soul til you're blue.
The poison is subtle & works slowly
My web is soft & warm
You'll feel cozy & safe & complete
But my intentions are to harm.
If you think that you're immune
Stay
If you think you can escape my web & get
Away
I dare you
But be fairly warned
Either way
I'm going to hurt you.

If I told him all I feel,
would he see my love's for real?
And if he knew my thoughts each day
What would he say?

If I let him read my story
Praising him with love & glory.
If he knew it's about him I pray
What would he say?

And if my poetry he did read
and if he knew it's him I need -
that my days without him are filled with gray -
What would he say?

And if I met another man
and in marriage he asked for my hand
the truth would be told, down it would lay
but what would HE say?

© 1994

The tears sneak up on me and well in my eyes
My chest begins to quiver, as I realize
once again that I miss you like hell
as often as those feelings I have tried to expel.
I thought this would be easy
That I could just say goodbye and walk away
But I find myself wondering
If you're going to be okay.
When our bonds were strong & not a day went by
That we would talk or chat or text & either laugh or cry.
Is this pain caused by the love, or the worry, or the hole
That was left in my heart when from you my heart i stole.
Not just once, or twice but 3 times
I gave it to you and reclaimed it.
And with it I stole yours too
And upon return I maimed it.
I don't want to cry but its my only consolation
I have no control over it, so i surrender - resignation.
The pain of knowing that we will never work
As great as my love grew for you
It is acceptance of the irrevocable fact
That our past and our future is through.
So the pain the emptiness consumes me
Eating me from the inside out
Devouring my soul leaving me hollow.

The EARTHQUAKE of remembering you - I "SHAKE" when I think of everything new.
A TORNADO  of confusion engulfs me - the "WHIRLING WONDER" of what will come to be.
The THUNDER CLAPS" of emotion - my loud "HEART BEATS" with devotion.
HURRICANES* of raging winds blowing - thoughts & feelings "DESTROY" because of not knowing.
RAINS of love, or maybe not - should I "POUR" out my heart or let it be forgot?
Yet, there is SUNSHINE after the storm - my feelings are shared and make my heart "WARM"
From now on there are only BLUE SKIES - I will love you "FOREVER", no more 'goodbyes'.
Your word of love, like a CRISP AUTUMN BREEZE - "REFRESH" me with your promise of love, forever, please.

© 1994

Perhaps it was the season's scent
Or the beauty of the trees
I thought for each other we were meant
We got along with such ease.

In a room of no less than twenty
still it seemed it was just us two.
It felt as though the room was empty
Our eyes on each other like glue.

I felt like I already knew you
As if we were life-long friends.
Everything I say is true
And to these words I make no amends.

Your eyes a handsome hazel shade
a color similar to mine.
and in my mind pleasant ideas played
as to be only yours I did pine.

So charming, handsome, and witty as well
all packaged into one.
For such great & ideal qualities I fell
And soon my heart you had won.

Yet, I was just the next on your list
of young girls to win & then drop.
With your words & actions my heart was amiss
I didn't want it to stop.

But they say "all good things must have a finale"
you set me straight in my ways.
Just beyond the peak, comes the plummet to the low valley
but still the heart my mind obeys.

For my mind says "Forget him!
You can do much better"
But my heart disagrees & insists I hold on
& the battle just makes me "upsetter"

So you're gone & day & night
I keep dwelling on what's to come now
I have a strong battle I continue to fight
The question now raised is - how?

© 2002

I hear your pain - my ears bleed for you.
I sympathize with your suffering - it breaks my heart.
I feel your frustration - I want to fight for you.
I know your strength - I want to celebrate your victories with you.
You deserve to be loved - I want to hold your heart.

The thing is, all her heart knew how to do was love.
It thrived on it, fed on it, was addicted to it.
It explored all of its elusive definitions
Basked in the all-consuming existence of it in her surroundings
She'd see it in the way lovers looked at each other when it was true - she could spot that look anywhere.
She'd hear it in the laughter between best friends, "soulmates"
When a gift was given unexpectedly, or a flower picked
She felt love in the trees and flowers she observed,
In the way birds and other animals interacted with each other.
She knew exactly what love is, and what it was not -
She learned that the hard way, unfortunately.
But, she couldn't catch it, she was never, at the right place or at the right time.
So, she locked up her heart, stored it in a safe place where it could no longer be broken.

She quietly snuck out of the crowded room and walked across the yard.
Heading towards the top of a small hill by a tall tree where the ground underneath was hard.

When she got there, she sat down alone with thoughts racing through her mind:
of life & friends & love & tears & how they can sometimes be so unkind.

She sat there half wanting to be alone & half hoping that "he" would come.
He'd noticed after some time, that he remembered seeing her leave and realized how long she'd been gone.

And he knew she often came here - she had seen him watching her leave.
Some cold nights, when she came here to think he'd let her borrow his warm coat with long sleeves.

He'd join her there but never for long - only to look up at the stars
Then he'd smile & say: "Take your time, but remember I'm not going far"

She loved that about him - how the simplest words could invoke
feelings of love & contentment, then she thought: she loved him whenever he spoke.

And as she sat with her thoughts, she heard the footsteps and a chill rushed up her spine.
Yet, this night was not a cold one, she shivered because she knew who was behind.

And without a word he sat beside her and stared in the direction her head was turned.
and as he waited for her to speak the tears in her closed eyes burned.

She wanted HIM to be the first to speak, to confess his feelings of love.
And she sat & waited to hear those words as the silence was broken by a small bird above.

And he put his arm around her shoulder & in just one word  ("sorry")
He told her how he cared for her deeply and he wished it was from him she first heard.

She said nothing in reply as she reflected on the chatter she heard among the crowd:
that "he has loved her for years & years" & how "his head was in the clouds".

He told her the party had been called in her honor - he wanted to finally reveal the facts
That he had loved her sincerely from the start & now he could never turn back.

And now as she turned to look at him her tears clashed with his own.
Hers tears of joy & his of regret for keeping it secret so long.

And she wrapped both arms around him and whispered in his ear "Thank you!"
And in those two words what she really said was "I love you!"

And on that hill 20 years later they stood together, where he first asked her to be his wife.
And vowed to share eternity together in a happy & love-filled life.

© 2003

My brain is scattered like a fly on a windshield.
I want to convey my thought clearly, but there are so many they become a blur even to me.
I wish i could write something mind-blowing, but I feel like my brain would explode.
I have a deluge of emotions & thoughts & insights inundating inside my mind, but it's like trying to draw up water from a well with no rope.
I finally feel complete & happy & well, embracing who I am, yet I feel like a stranger to all who know me.

I loved you from the deepest part of my heart.
You said you loved me from the start.
I said: "I don't understand.. why me?"
You said: "Because you're you.. I'll love you endlessly!"

You told me, though we had to part
Not to forget you - to keep you in my heart.
I promised I would - yes, always!
And everyday, in my mind, your memory plays.

You - my first true love -
you're the only one I'm thinking of.
Do you realize it's torture on me?
I love you, but you I cannot see.

I pretend the sound of your voice is all I need.
But I am continuously wrong.
To see you, feel you, hold you - I plead!
Without you I can't go on!

I love you, but I still don't understand -
Why me? You could have anyone!
To feel the touch of your kiss again,
I long for that day to come!

© 1995

The story of my life.
HE tells me I'm so smart, beautiful. Will make "some man very happy someday."
"Why not you?", I would think to myself.
We would have the most intense, heart-revealing conversations about life & friendship & loyalty & happiness... but it was just to prepare HIM for someone else (who didn't quite fit "our" description, but mostly...)
Years would pass, even a decade...a phone call, text, email from HIM to let me know the relationship has failed & 'how have I been doing?'
"I'm fine", I'd reply. "Nothing's really changed for me. Still single. Still hate my job. Still living at home." (Mentally grasping at straws for something more interesting or exciting to share, but coming up with nothing)
The conversation theoretically should have been short (because I'm boring) but "we" would talk for hours, about everything. Reminiscing about the past, what could've been.. revealing HIS secret thoughts or feelings that HE once had, "but was too afraid to tell me."
I'd be inwardly proud, validated by the confession & then later, when the conversation was long over: angry, depressed, disappointed, self-loathing. "Why did HE always do this to me? What was wrong with me, that he didn't choose me instead? What good does this information do me now? It's too late."
I'd lie to myself that I'm glad HE didn't pick me, because I wouldn't want to be the one going through the heartache of failure. I'd tell myself I'm happier being single. Cry myself to sleep & then mentally block out that the conversation ever happened with HIM to avoid the pain.

HE should've loved me first, but HE didn't.

I have worn my heart on my sleeve. I have fallen hard & fast & head first. There was a time when I'd fall in love too easily - my heart was designed to nurture & care & love 100% .. Maybe it's a defect or maybe it's closer to perfection - the way God made me; but I do not have the capacity to love half-way.  I give it my everything: soul, breath & life! Unfortunately those I've loved have not been there: to cushion my fall; to put the brakes on my fall and help me stop with them; to put their arms out and catch me before I nose-dive. I have crashed & shattered & had my heart crushed.
That's why my heart is so guarded & protected - I keep it in the deepest archives - the catacombs - the vaults... The access codes are encrypted. The locks are super-enforced. So, some see me as cold & asocial, but it's just me being scared. But some who have that special vision that insight see through it. They know what the vaults contain & they are the victims of my fear. They are the ones that fight to gain access. Only the strongest ones do.......

How strong are you??

Lost, but I know where I'm going - determined to reach my goal.  Helping others, forgetting myself.  I want to be outside, free, getting closer to God. But stuck inside this Hell, as a slave, getting slapped by demons. They want me to fall, to stay down, repeat the same mistakes - over & over & over.  Find ways to deceive and delude my mind, to disguise their crafty tricks. They steal our brains and replace them with implanted ideas and beliefs created by others they have seduced. Little does the "uninformed" mind know that their fate for you is death.  Self-induced, accidental, or judicially enforced they want you dead - with them.  There's one book not many read that leads you to the key, to reclaim your mind, think for yourself & set yourself free. When you do, come find me.

© 2012

I care about you so much & want you to have the happiness & peace you of all people deserve. I've done everything I can & more to help you try to achieve that. My heart is full of love for you. And it shatters into millions of pieces when I think about not being able to be that one for you forever. "The heart is treacherous & desperate" according to the bible, and it's true since I keep trying to convince myself that if I hold on tight enough for a little longer this could be something real with us. But we both know it can't, and we both know why.
On one hand, I feel like it's so unfair & selfish of me to just up & turn my back & abandon this whole thing - whatever this "thing" is. On the other hand, it's like why should I feel so guilty, you deserve more than what I can give you at this distance, you deserve love in person for real. And so do I! And meanwhile, I don't want to search for love anywhere else because when I love someone they are my focus, my one & only. Heart & soul.  I feel like my years are slipping away from me, & I'm losing precious time that could be used finding something solid & tangible & mutually giving. It hurts letting go of something so valuable to you, but sometimes you find that letting it go makes room for something so much more worthwhile & desired.
I'm sorry I'm so long-winded with my good-byes. Maybe I'd be better off with short & sweet, but you're more than that to me.
So I'm really doing it this time, whether or not you understand or agree. Of course, it's hard for me, because I know this hurts you, ... I hope you know it hurts me too. But the saying goes "time heals all wounds".... Maybe not all of them, but some wounds remind us of what it means to feel.
I love you - always will...
Please take care, stay strong, and never give up on yourself. Others are waiting to see your big moment. I'll feel it when it comes, I know I will.. remember? ...we're connected electrically.

The phrase came to me like a silent epiphany...Like an arrow piercing my flesh & reaching my heart like a bull's eye.

From the moment we enter this world, our hearts thrive on love. Screeching infants instantly silenced by the warm embrace & nuzzling caress of their human makers, their parents.

A child's first crush & the rush of holding hands. Chasing young love on the playground, but somehow it always gets away.

A favorite toy lost. A dropped ice cream cone. Being the last one picked for the team.
Our first kiss, first date.. Getting dumped by our first love.

We find love, get married, but maybe they're not "the one". Do you stay or call it quits?

Or maybe we hold out for "the one", single, alone. Love teases your heart like an *** with a carrot.
You go through the motions, too many times until you believe you have lost the vision of real love, true love.
You find your life's passion, your major, your mentor, you the prodigy.

In your mind you hear the warning: "There's a fine line between ambition & obsession."

Through all the stages of life, regardless of our social class, background, history or current circumstances, our heart prods us..
Beckons us to strive for our dreams, pursue our desires, reach our goals & aspirations, proclaim our love .. but that dream, desire, goal, love is always just beyond our reach, at our fingertips but never truly acquired.

Like the chef who slaves over his feast to make it perfect & basking in it's delicious aroma & savoring the taste test to serve it up for others to enjoy, longing to sit down and indulge, but alas! there's not a morsel left for him to partake - it's all gone.

Our heart starves.

How many times can a heart be broken and crushed before it no longer feels - forgets how to love, ignores pain, totally numb & can that damage be healed? You came along, saw through my eyes the beauty of the world. You reached into my chest, cradled my heart & so the ropes were unfurled. Set free. No longer a slave to the fears that tortured me. You are my hero, my savior, grateful to you I'll always be