I say it all the time but it's never true
I'll put my mind on something else & I'll get over you.
I'll focus on my work or maybe look for another guy
but there's always that internal quirk - I can't forget you no matter how hard I try.
"I only like him as a friend" - that's what I try to say.
But it all comes down to the same in the end, I can't give up - there's no way.

© 1999

I know we've been through it all before.
I know you said we were just friends - nothing more.
But do you know just how difficult it is
To see your face, hear you voice and still feel like this?
A million times I've fought the feelings in my heart
I've wrestled my mind to do it's part, be smart:
That there's nothing more I can say or do.
You've made you choice, I can't have you.
But somehow it's as though there is a secret potion
Something brewing beneath the surface that might change your emotion.
If I put it down in writing, share all the lyrics to all the songs, that make me think of you, or how I feel
Maybe then you'd see the light( so to speak) and realize this is love for real.

But then I fear that even just one spoken emotion would your friendship deter... But in my mind, in my heart..

There are not enough words

Cluttered room, piles of clothes on a queen-sized bed that rarely gets made.
A desk full of papers & pictures she hasn't looked at in over a decade.
Cabinets, book shelves full of candles & nick-knacks,
books she's never read - hard cover & paperbacks.

She looks under her bed, pulls out a locked box.
Finds envelopes stuffed with letters from best friends & admirers she had almost forgot.
She hasn't seen or spoken to the friends in many years -
they said their friendship would be strong forever, would never disappear...
The admirers have since found themselves wives & have some kids,
but re-reading these letters, it stirs up vague illusions of what might have once been,
A romance almost sparked but never ignited.
A life that once existed, if but briefly,
but never was or will be.

Now, amongst all the "things" she has collected & stored,
She wonders to herself: "Why am I so bored?..
How did I let those times get away from me?
Why have I forgotten so much?
What do I have to show for all the time that has gone by?
How do I get it back?
Why do I feel like nothing & everything has changed all at once?"...

She puts the envelopes in the pile of stuff she no longer needs. She fills the bag with trash. Clears the bed & slowly drifts to sleep...alone.

My eyes feel like they're burning through my brain & melting.
I feel fine as long as I don't breathe.
Every nerve, muscle, joint, cell & bone in my body feels sick.
They say the best thing for you when you're sick is to sleep.....
I can't sleep because I'm too sick.
My lungs are enemies: Every time I think I am regaining control, they attack!!!
My nostrils have been invaded by debris. I try to blow it out but nothing budges, yet if I don't try - it's a waterfall!!
Three people have asked me why I'm crying - I'm not crying - I'm dying, slowly.
I'm such a baby when I'm *ill