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There has been a disturbance to the very foundation
of what I once was,
all starting from one morning I don't remember when,
all ending ever since.
Each day seems another day wasted,
another day tallied before the death
which seems ridiculously far off,
can life really be this long?
It's strange-
when you're happy, death seems all too near,
when you're sad all too far away.
a tiredness overcomes me that is deeper than love
and duller than feeling
I am not sleeping
I have not slept
         and yet I do not think of sleep
         so what do I think of?
I think of love and warmth but my veins are cold and
sticking out of my hands in a disgusting way that bothers me
quite extensively.
I want to get a surgery to get rid of all the veins in my
body, can I do that?
if you know a doctor please refer me.
Death used to frighten me, keeping me awake
at all hours of the night.
Thoughts of my own mortality would arise
in the strangest situations, at the strangest times,
disturbing my relative piece of mind
with the recognition of the impermanence of that mind itself.
I knew that someday I would not be thinking of death-
I would not be thinking at all.
I would simply be a part of the ground
or dust sitting in a vase in the room of someone I have not yet known-
dust now, dust then, what's the big difference?
Well, one of us realizes our own dustiness.

Now, death seems more like a vague invitation
with no set due date for a reply.
Perhaps I have already rsvp'd to Death's invitation
simply by being alive,
but the event seems unknown, far in the distance.
Now sometimes it seems favorable
to invite Death over myself for a more intimate evening,
but it is a hard choice to make,
and one still bringing so much dread.
Here I am, eating alone in our favorite cafe
and wishing you were here.
Can I help feeling so lonely?
I plan on staying miserable for as long as I am,
and no one on this Earth can stop me.
The food is very good, but I must force myself to eat.
What made you want to leave me?
I am the wrong of everything
that makes my once here world long gone,
the bitterness which haunts my life,
the no victory no defeat but also no peace,
the no love no hate but also no calm
but never excitement. always silence.

I am the terrible of whatsoever
makes its way into it all,
the disgustingness of solitude,
the loneliness of thought.

I am the reason for the something else,
though it matters to no one to me,
I am the ****** of the goodnight dear sleep well,
the goneness of the now.
I don't want love that's given like bread to
a bird, just thrown in the pond so carelessly,
though with good will in mind.
I want love composed like a letter,
each word carefully constructed,
enticing me to attempt an even more eloquent response,
this kind of back and forth exchange of wit.
And I want love that is like a long
and scenic walk, like a million flowers
performing lively dances by the edge of the lake;
love that is hard and soft, give and take.
I do not want to be thought a poor, lonely duck
in need of a generous park attender's charity;
I want to be loved with selfish clarity,
as though I am the setting sun.
You have left so suddenly and now
I can hardly bring myself to move.
All I can do is stare at your photographs
with tears in my eyes,
trying to imagine you are beside me,
a vision I cannot make myself have.
I fear that if I take my eyes off of your beloved face
for too long I will forget what made you so beautiful to me,
and if I go too long without speaking to you
I will forget how your voice and your well-spoken words
made me fall in love with you.
But for now this doesn't seem to be the problem,
for I remember all too well.
I've always had enough money,
and enough parental love;
my youth is in full spring,
I've always had more than enough.
But there's one thing that I'm lacking,
keeping me in want of satisfaction,
though what it is
I'm not quite sure.
Words may only become scared when arranged together
to form gentle expressions from the tongue of a lover.
I would gladly give up my sight if only to be guided
by your lovely, graceful voice, which could better show me where the light is,
by far the plain superior of my ever-faulty eyes
which look upon the world with speculation leading to demise.
There is an accepting simplicity in the warmth which you display;
never avoiding anything, from joy to unbearable dismay.
All your words are sacred, for you are the one whom I admire;
it seems the dirt which lies beneath your feet becomes a flowery briar.
Perhaps it is a partial blindness which creates this holiness,
but the only one I'd call my lord is the one whose lips I softly kiss.
As for me, the only words I speak which have much merit or worth
are the ones which celebrate the union of Heaven and of Earth;
this union I have solely found within your steady tone,
a clear and resonant lullaby, a virtue belonging to you alone.

Has this world ever seen a lovelier example of perfection?
What joy exists to equal the harmony of love's finest connection?
To cherish you within my heart has been my greatest gift,
and if I am questioned of my love I surely will admit;
if you find my love abhorrent, I will gladly go away,
for it would be my most dreadful agony to trouble you another day.
But if you feel as I feel for you, or even a tenth as much,
I would be ever delighted to call you my dearest friend in love.
What else can transform fond appreciation
Into contempt within a day?
What else can make malicious
An affection originally divine?
The wicked speculation
On with whom you’d rather stay;
The suspicions which, though fictitious,
Bring my love to a decline,
A decline not meaning loving you any less,
But just that I know I’ve tried my very best, I guess,
And it’s gotten me nowhere,
So why attempt to be closer
To you than she;
I know, though it pains me so, that your eyes don’t rest on me.
But what can break feelings of love apart
Like good old Jealousy?
If I were happier
I might say that the softly dripping drops of rain
tease my senses with sweet surprises,
or that they fill me with romantic desire
to which only you can help me aspire;
but such sentiments are all in vain,
for in my misery I only see the shame
of such a pitiful excuse for a storm
which I would have hoped to knock me roughly to the ground.
it is ugly and certainly says nothing of romance;
i wouldn't want to curse anyone with a kiss under this mess.
in this little life, there is only so much to be done.
most days repeat rather than simply follow each other,
an unforgivable shame.
clearly the world is all suffering and pain.
I am still, however, tempted to fall for lofty declarations of love's
divinity in a godless world-
saying that, yet, love exists, a marvelous anecdote to cure our sorrow,
to fill our hearts with hope divine.
while certainly there is no "hope divine" (any such sentiments are those of a fool)-
I will not deny some excitement-
some strange sort of excitement I get when we
are with each other that is impossible not to entertain.
it often does make me wonder if, though
divinity certainly remains out of sight,
you could offer some variation or other of astonishingly secular hope.
it could be nice to feel that way about someone,
if this otherwise dreadfully dull existence must persist.
if we all must perish without much of a choice,
it may be a bit more tolerable to perish with a kiss.
I shall surely try to become a more worthy self,
but not with myself in mind.
What will it do myself if I am temperate and kind?
Or if I have much virtue, who is that virtue for?
It is solely and completely for you whom I adore.
Love is my greatest wealth,
diminishing purely physical states of "sickness" and of "health;"
when love enlightens my mind and brings me such joyful folly,
the mere act of living or dying makes not much difference to me.
I want to fill my days with laughter; your laughter more than mine.
It must be true that love's great youness is the hope of humankind.
They say the Earth is ruled by gods almighty and strong,
But at this point I say theology has gone utterly wrong.
Divinity may be the flowers blooming in the month of June,
Or, as I prefer it, the gentle shining of the moon.
You sing to me with mournful ease
And bathe me in your light,
Pouring forth your ethereal affection
Into our silent world as you please.
I cannot see much of the night
When you, eternal friend, do dare protect us.

The wind and rain do have their charms,
And sunlight does not much of harm,
But there is nothing more of pure delight
Than to bathe within the pale moonlight.
Your appeal is as the most lovely flower in a garden,
Outshining all the rest
Who attempt to mock your grace;
Yet, you have never dared to harden
Your heart to all who can’t be best,
Of pride not showing but a trace.

In the immaturity of childhood I feared your stable glance,
The power of your presence setting the world into a trance.
But this fear, I see, was nothing more than grave misunderstanding
Of a natural devotion your awareness keeps demanding.
Demanding, not in the sense of warning punishment,
But rather in allowing respect to come with nature’s gifts;
Allowing us to perceive what we see not in ourselves alone.
Adherence out of worry is nearly obsolescent-
A fact the world seems to drive us boldly to admit;
For beauty overpowers power standing on its own.
You are the only one for me.
I never knew love until I set my eyes upon thee.
Please, come and be with me.
I cannot stand to be alone anymore;
my daily life has become another dull chore,
forced to go along without the one that I adore.
When you loved me, the flowers bloomed,
and every winter seemed a June,
every lightbulb seemed a moon;
but now that you have left me deprived,
the lovely flowers have all died,
and nothing has anything mysterious or wonderful to hide.
It all makes sense when I'm without you,
and that is the problem.
Only you could make me think it's spring in the colder part of Autumn.
as if the world could collapse with one disapproving
syllable spoken from your mouth,
as if the reason you hardly sleep at all is because the sun
and moon got in an argument over who gets to spend their hours with
you and decided to compromise,
as if the rain falls simply because you look so lovely with
an umbrella in your hands and I secretly forget mine
on purpose because I want to stand under yours with
you.
since you have left, i've been doing some sorrowing;
quite a lot of sorrowing, it seems.
morning sorrowing, evening sorrowing,
all in tune with the sound of the rain.
you brought me pain- even
when you were here, you did.
but it's such a shame
i can't have that old pain anymore,
this new pain being such a bore.
If only I had ignored that weak self, that stupid self,
that self who let it all go wrong.
I could be one of those cheerful people who take
being alright for granted, who strive for excellence
instead of just normality.
one of those people who look in the mirror
and see only themselves never noticing traces
of an unwelcome stranger.
sadness
i am miserable
big cries tell small pleas
lamentations tell ideas
despair tells plans.
plans
to
fall
die
as quickly as possible.
I am tired;
tired of waking, tired of sleeping,
tired of crying, tired of holding back tears,
tired of breathing, tired of holding my breath,
tired of working hard, tired of being lazy,
tired of living, tired of dying,
tired of love, tired of hate,
tired of dreams, tired of dreamless nights,
tired of thoughts, tired of blankness of mind,
tired.
To die-
To cease to be
Anything more than a body
Quietly wasting away.
I have long lived in fear
Of this inevitable departure;
Now I only wish it could be closer,
That I could meet my end today.
But I know this cannot be-
I have too many attachments,
Too many loves
To leave wretched and confused
If I were to do what I desire
And extinguish the dulling fire
That keeps my weary heart from stopping.
Without hope of becoming anew,
What is there for a spirit on this Earth?
What is there in a life of aimless wandering?
Yet I fear I cannot take my life
And risk becoming a horrid blight
Upon all those I've called my own;
I'd rather suffer all alone
Than know, even with senses blinded (for lack of a working brain),
That, for whom I have loved, nothing could ever be the same.
looking for a hidden meaning in your words,
hoping there is one,
perhaps deceiving myself,
hoping you think of me with more than
the plain.
but when I look at you, you are looking away,
never at me.
The problem with my sadness is that I cannot explain it
to anyone.
It is so quiet, so subtle, a reminder in the back of my mind,
a gloominess overlooking all time,
and in its quietness it is unbearable,
unsharable,
a pain all my own.
i want it to not make much sense
when we kiss and
because we are birds

i want you to be a confusing yet very welcome heart
because we are birds flying in an evening sky and
it is hard to see in the dark

i want our bodies to touch in a mysterious. way
i want you to care for me
i want to love you (and i do)
the gloomy morning seems to go on forever,
yet the day ends all too soon.
life is like this

— The End —